we keep on playing those mind games..

together..

or alone either way its all a mind fuck. i went to bed last night at 1030, then woke up at 2 and was up till 4 in those 2 hours i thought so fucking much. i thought about my future, my house in philly, my job in philly, what i need to do out here to get those things. i also thought about my quality of life, and what i wanted and i realized that i used to always look at people from delco, who marry their high school sweetie and live in the burbs as people who arent living life or enjoying it fully. i felt like those people were missing out, but then i realized im missing out. i want their lives. i want to live in the burbs with my honey from the burbs and have huge family parties and holidays. its all i want actually. i couldnt help but think of what life with would be like with r. we have the same friend group, so growing up with friends would be amazing. there would be no weirdness, or need for girls to like each other, or vice versa. it would be so smooth. then i started to think about how we never dated and what that would be like and i actually saw it working out just fine. we would just hang out a lot and go out with our friends and have fun, play games, etc. i really really want that life. how the fuck do i get it? patience? endurance? love? faith? i suppose all of these things actually. i feel it deep in my bones thats the life i will have one day. i am making it happen somehow. i guess he needs to get on board, but isnt he already? didnt he tell me these things in the summer time? does he still think them? i also realized that nobody or nothing can take away what we shared. that day i left philly and we sat in our cars and waved at each other crying, that happened. it was real. he has a memory of that wether or not he chooses to recall it is a different story, but i know he does. i bet he secretly listens to my cd and trys to figure it out, and lays in his bed and sees me laying in it. its impossible not to! i also re-listened to that cd i sent him and boy o boy if he dissects that thing im in trouble. the second song is who loves the sun, and it says stuff about broken hearts, then london dungeon by the misfits is on there, "aint no mystery, why im in misery, in hell, heres hoping your swell" hahahaah too funny. oh well. i thought about writing him to tell him not to dig too deep, but fuck it. let him thinks what he wants.

its all up to the universe now...so hey universe, can you let me fish my wish please?

they go we go..

i want you to know what i did i did....

i made a decision tonight to stop. stop obsessing, stop wondering, stop trying, stop texting, stop expecting anything. when i first got back i had talked to my spiritual advisor about remaining vertical, and not expecting anything from anyone, and just doing what i feel is right is right, and to trust myself and the people around me, because we all are one. and the things we love and hate about people are the things we love or hate about ourselves. its that simple. and i think my period really fucked with me bad this time and really really screwed up my emotional state and made me fucking apeshit crazy. so now its time to be normal again and just be. shit is always better when your not wanting it so bad. it has to be natural, and this is not natural at all. and i bet those feelings can be read, or im doing a really good job of appearing chiller than i am. but i will think that the first part is more right. vibes are wild and people can read them easily. i think i appeared desperate in some ways, and im not like that and i dont want to be perceived as it either. he doesnt like desperate me, he likes independent strong me, thats the woman he knows best and trusts and wants to talk to. not this girl who is all up on his shit. i am taking some steps back and getting back to my life.

i also was getting worried that he is the only reason i want to move home. which isnt really true. in some ways yes, id love to come home and be in a relationship with him, but i honestly cant say that will happen. so i need to get it out of my head. ive been thinking a lot about what my life will be like there. who will i hang out with, besides the obvious people like jenni and my family and derek. i mean who else is really gonna want to be friends with me like that? i mean people like hanging out with me when im home to visit, but who will want me back in their daily lives? will i even hang out with r and mk and pdawg? i mean is that really gonna happen? probably not, i mean dont get me wrong ill be invited to parties and i will see them there, but on the daily or even weekly most likely not. unless of course me and r really hang out, but for some reason i cant see it. i see him being weird still. but who knows. who knows what will happen over these next 11 months. a lot can happen, a lot can change, and a lot could stay exactly the same. so this year is all about me and getting ready to get my career in order and move back home and get my shit right. start paying some bills off, saving money, and really not going out to spend so much. i dont need to buy anything anymore, i need to move so less is more. ill get my tv but thats it. i got everything else i need.

it is time to make moves man

ya gotta have faith, faith faith

all day today ive thought about what my christmases would be like with him and how we would split our days between our families and eat a lot of italian food, and get drunk and just have fun. i see this life. i really really do. it is the life i think i have always dreamed about in some way, but i never imagined it with anyone, but now i do. i see it. and i keep thinking about how he is probally sitting aorund thinking the same thing. there is no way he can change that in a month. he told me he thinks about that all the time, and so im sure its popping up today and tomorrow. im going to follow jenni and wait to see if he hits me up first. or to see how long it takes. but i dunno i might give in too..im not feeling so crazy about him anymore either. its like i came out of my crazy ass fog that made me overly obsessed with him. its good to be out of it though, but yet its still hard. i watched hes just not that into you today, and man did it remind me of how shitty things can be and how they are. and the main theme is "if he really liked you then he would be doing anything to be with you" and that just rings so clear to me. its all about faith, which i guess is a big part of tonight, christmas eve. the faith in a day of good, a day to celebrate with your family and loved ones, a day to share presents and food and just faith in faith. so im gonna keep the faith like george michael told me to do..

i wish i could buy back the woman you stole..

seems harder and harder to just be me. i feel like a robot zombie, just doing what i need to do with the day, but as soon as im alone, either in my car, my bed, the bathroom, im sad. its never been like this before. usually if im sad, im sad. thats that. there is no question, but im putting on a good face for people or something. this is serious. im seriously depressed, and i dont think its going away anytime soon.

every song, every thing i see, every person, every pair of jeans, anything fucking reminds me of him. i miss him so much, and then i try to think, what am i missing? am i missing a person who is still ungrounded, and insecure, who couldnt be a good person to me right now even if he wanted to? nope, i am missing those nights and mornings, and those moments only between us that just isnt being discussed. and i dont understand why. why wouldnt we want to be talking about how wonderful they felt? is it really too much for him? can he really actually not handle it? am i an asshole for assuming he should? am i just so advanced? what is going on with me? how the fuck do i get normal again??

i just want to be happy and positive melissa again, how do i buy her back?

sleep will save me from thinking..

i dont even know how i feel these days at all anymore. i thought i just wanted to say those things to him and i did, but now what? now where are we? we are pretty much exactly where we;ve always been and it still isnt enough, it will never be enough for me.

my life is crumbling around me and i wish i knew why. whats the common theme? electronics? entertainment? communication? yes yes and yes. but what the fuck seriously? how can i stop the madness? is it all a shedding of the skin per se? letting these old things go and buying new ones? is that what all this has been about? even the show when the cord broke!

what did he mean when he said i knew you were lying! was that playful? was that a fact? was that really all good?

im so sick of thinking about this shit. tomorrow im sleeping all day so i dont have to think once. just my dreams. which by the way erykah badu was in my dream last night and we were at r;s house and he was sleeping on his bunk, and i went into the other room with someone else, and she was there. i told her how much her music meant to me and how some songs really get me like see ya next lifetime, and she went on to tell me about how this lifetime is here, and i have it all now, there is no see ya next time. then she started showing me pictures of her trip to hawaii or someplace like that. jamaica maybe.

i feel so empty, i dont feel christmas at all, i dotn want anything to do with it. my house is decorated, i made cookies, sent gifts, shopped, wrapped, drank egg nog, watched elf, listened to all my favorite music and still nothing. that shit is in 5 days and i could not care less. i want to care again, i want to be positive again, i want to trust myself and the world around me, but i feel like im in this void, this hole in the earth that has me held captive.

what the fuck for reals.

thank god for saved messages...

jesus man i found all my old emails on myspace and facebook about me and r. and boy oh boy did i learn something wild. things have not changed an inch, like seriously. some of the shit he wrote me then, hes said now. right down to the wanting to hide under rocks and not talk to anyone about anything. and about us and how isnt ready and all this shit. the other thing i noticed is the time frame, one day iw as getting cute emails from him, then about a week later was some super intense email about how hes not giving me enough, or how im cool if we dont hang out. jeez louise im a little impatient and suppose i still am. another thing real quick was that he said, that when it comes to emotional things and things that are important or deep it takes him a long time to figure it out and talk about it, so not to be upset, and that really applies to this situation too. melissa, its been a week and a few days since you were back in philly get a fucking grip dude hasnt even processed this shit yet. i think this is the problem between him and i, my lack of patience. maybe it means something, maybe it doesnt. but i defiantly think its what broke things up before. we were on a path of dating and i didnt see that because i was so overwhelmed by how much i liked him. and im doing that now too it fucking sucks!

i seriously jump at the response from him at all, i jump right on it like an impatient little kid who was sititng by the phone. its pathetic and i bet he can smell it all the way across country. tonite he posted on one of my status updates and i couldnt just be cool i wrote something so cheesy back and then texted him, twice. to no response again. when will i learn? well tonight im learning, im going to chill the fuck out and step a few steps back. give him space for real. space isnt going to make him think i like him less, its going to give him time to figure me out. he already knows i have something to say about us, i made that abundantly clear. everything comes in good time and i need to keep that in mind..and jenni so do you. its fucking hard man, hard hard hard, but i bet if we do it it wil be well well worth it. in many ways actually. if it lets our dudes work their shit out and they come back to us, awesome, if not weve moved on and kept our respect to ourselves. lets do this together. k?

and if you don't love me let me go..

im quite bored tonight. i had a pretty crazy night last night after my jewish experience i went up to the bars and hung out with my eagles buddy and his friend jessica. she was pretty hot and me and her clicked immediately so it was fun, we ran all over town, drunk and silly. i felt like i was 22 again, just being drunk and not caring or even really looking at people, i cant even remember one person i saw last night besides her. we totally crushed on each other and did kiss a little bit! it was exciting. i mean ive done that before, but this was different, it was so much like tv or something. it made me really see what it must be like to be a lesbian and just go out to the bars and find a cute girl and hang out with her all night. it was the same as if i found a dude i liked, but a lot more comfortable. because we just could openly flirt and the funny thing was we were all over each other too. of course dudes kept checking us out, but i didnt care, i just went with it. i was a little embarrassed this morning, but decided to get over it because it was fun. i guess i felt a little irresponsible of me to be running around acting like that, but fuck it i decided. she wants to go on a date with me she said, but she lives in lake tahoe and is just visiting, but is planning on moving here or something. so i guess that kinda freaks me out. it was a lot easier to play around and flirt knowing she was going to leave.. ahhhhhhhhhh fuck fuck fuck as i typed that i realized thats what r must have thought about me when i was in philly! oh my fucking god. wow thats so serious shit. i guess its true though, you can act however you want knowing its not going to lead anywhere. he hasnt written me back after that email or anything. i imd him a long ass time ago and still no reply. i guess im blending into those girls. i haven't really tried either, i really want to keep my distance, but i think its so silly. there is nothing i can about any of it, i seriously have to take this all day by day and its quite hard some days.

ive written pages upon page...trying to rid you from my bones...

marginal over..

sometimes i question myself a little too much. its been over a week since ive been back and thats all, weird right? so fucking weird. ive already gone through so many fucking emotions in this week its bananas. i need to chill out on that kind of shit. i already started to get angry and impatient that i havent really had a chance to talk to r about anything, but dude its been a week. chill. this is what i tell myself over and over again, but i cant help it. i feel so cheated or something when it comes to his time and talking to him. its so retarded. i know if i keep trying to talk to him, i blend into those girls who keep pestering him and texting yadayada so i stopped. i knew he wouldnt respond to my email yesterday, but its all good. i reread it and im glad i wrote it. all i did was say im his friend always and if he needs me im here. thats all i can do. all the other stuff needs to do its own thing when and if its supposed to. im started to get scared thinking maybe im wrong, maybe he isnt the one for me, but then i laugh and go duhh its so obvious, but is it? is he just an addiction? am i addicted to the drama he puts me through? we never even dated, we never went on a date once in the 4 years this has been going on! how could i imagine marrying him? its so odd. but then again its not at all. this all makes sense in some weird twilight zone kinda way. i also go to the whole, well maybe hes over me now that the fantasy came true, and he got to be with me and now hes not brutting over it anymore..which may or may not be true. when i asked him about that post sex he said it was better than his fantasy, but i mean who wouldnt say that? i need to relax and keep writing on here instead of writing him. maybe this is a lesson for me to learn in patience and trust.

give me your eyes, i need sunshine..

so i got to talk to him again tonight, and for some reason i thought maybe it was the time, we were chatting about life and being in philly and how short ago it really was, but how long ago it seemed, etc. and i was like yeah ive been thinking a lot about last week and he was like about how it was only last week and i was like no about you, then immediately said but i am cool to not discuss it yet, because its not time or space to..and he still had to come back with i got so much going on i cant talk about emotions right now, which felt like a knife through the heart, but im an idiot because i knew it already, i knew i should hav ekept things cool and surface for the next few weeks until school is over at least, but bam i couldnt wait i had to slip it in there and say it like a fucking moron. when i am going to learn to listen to myself?

but something else curious came up, he is a perfectionist and wants things to be perfect and the way they are supposed to be, and it made sense about me and him. he told me he isnt ready and all that shit but wants it later, so it makes sense because doing that now wouldnt be right or perfect. also we were talking about the josh thing and he said that josh keeps being my protector and saying things to him about me and how he is either lying to himself or everyone else..and i responded with well he really wants me to know your with other girls and shit, and i told him i knew that already i wasnt stupid, and he told me he isnt with girls. he was like i know i dont need to tell you but i want to that im not with girls around here, its a common misconception about me, i personally dont believe him fully especially since hes talking to girls blah blah, but i dont care still. it doesnt matter what we have is more and im okay with that. but my response to him was this.."thank you for telling me that, but its really none of my business what you do..what me and you do or say with one another is my business and nothing else" i was hoping that got across what i wanted to put out there...anyway im sure it didnt happen, im sure he didnt follow, but either way its cool. i need to stop it with him, because i am making it worse. it sucks but i am. i wrote him a message on fb saying if you need to talk im here, i know all you need right now is a friend, and thats what im offering. its all he can handle honestly. imsure i wont get a response, and its cool i dont need one.

i got a bad desire..

i dont know what to do with myself at this moment. i just went onto his page and hes been talking to this girl, probably the girl who wanted to be his girlfriend and he had to diss. and the problem is this..i know that this girl cant mean anything, doesnt really mean anything or else he would be with her and be all in love etc, etc, but fuck does it still hurt. ive been giving him his time to chill and do his thing and sort shit out, but this whole time hes been talking to other girls? how do i not get jealous? how do i keep my composure and let things be the way they are supposed to be? i need to gain so much strength to deal with this situation, and i guess i wasnt prepared. i still havent even told him how i feel and i still cant stop thinking about how the last thing i told him was i was over him and closing the book on us. he thinks that somewhere, and i want to tell him otherwise. i keep having the internal argument about just telling him now because sieze the day and such, then the other side saying how it wil be so much more worth it if he hears it when hes ready to hear it. you havent even been gone for a whole week. his phone is supposedly broken, ok i guess not supposedly but its broken, and i cant help but think hes siked. he doesnt have to deal with any of this shit going on around him, which includes me too. which im fine with i guess im just bummed that hes still talking to her or whomever else. why can he talk to them and not me? we just spend two weeks together! god i hate to think jb was right and that i dont know half the shit hes doing. but then to flip it over again, does it even matter? arent we meant to be anyways? isnt it going to work out if its supposed to? if i know all this knowledge i should be ok with this all, but

i just help but be jealous. jealous. jealous.

there's a light in your eye that keeps shining..

like a star who cant wait for night...

so im feeling much better about everything. i went and got some energy work done yesterday, which also starts out as talking about all different types of things and one of the topics was spirituality and we got to talking about a lot of stuff, and it all made sense to me, especially about this situation im currently in with r. she really helped me realize that just because i broke off that bond its not a bad thing, i broke off all the old shit, all the old ways, all the confusion and bad feelings, and insecurities so that now we can have it be normal. i guess thats kind of confusing, but overall i have no worries because i know there is a deeper connection and who cares who he dates or who i date, because overall we are going to end up with each other at some point. and its knowing that, that can let us grow together. i also think that if i just keep the faith on the fact that we will end up together sometime will help me get through this. i think that there is a lot of expectations and its not needed. he at least had the sense to tell me that he wasnt ready for me, but he did say that wants to be, and i never really took that as anything. actually like i said in another blog that i dont take anything he says serious because i never believed him or something stupid. so im no longer going to freak out about texts, emails, blah blah blah none of it matters. we are who we are, and it will work when its supposed to work.

i foresee me being here for at least one more year, maybe out of here by the fall or something and then maybe moving back to the east coast somewhere. not sure its philly, but at least somewhere close enough to there to visit pretty regularly. i believe im on the right path and that things are going how they are supposed to. everything that happens is for a reason, and i need to trust myself and the universe more and just know that i know everything already. i know that at some point in my life we will be together. so its just about living life and building a stronger friendship or whatever over the next section of life.

wish me luck!

deep in the ocean..

there lies a wave for you...

im feeling much better than i was a few days ago, i think music has really helped me through all of this. i played a fantastic radio show last night. it really brought out all my emotions and made me feel better. then even better i think he listened and maybe got weirded out or maybe liked it i dont know. he was online, and he usually listens when he gets home from the bar. i dont know why i care, he hasnt even talked to me since i was home. he replied to one of my status updates, but thats about it. i did happen to play the song that he commented with on my show. im doing my usual thing where i freak out and think the worst thing possible about everything, just because i havent talked to him in a few days, but the reality is if he had feelings for me, he would want to talk to me right? i am just giving him and myself time to process all of the stuff that happened over the past few week, its a lot to deal with really. part of me is scared that if i dont tell him i changed my mind about us then he will move on, then i laugh at myself and go well fuck him then if he bounces that quick, and he actually might. so i need to just trust that things will be how they will be.

greg is another issue im dealing with. im so uninterested in him, but i dont know what to do about it. he texted me last night and i just ignored it. i really ignored it and i feel bad, and i feel like things are left open, and i need to close them. he is not right for me. i need to notice this type of stuff earlier. i need to take things slower and not open up so much so quick, because it always leads to a bad thing. i need to go back to thinking im not going to meet a dude around here. its not happening. especially when i think rickie is my one. but i get scared to say that. it seems impossible in a way. i read yesterday this thing about falling in love with the potential of a person, rather than the person who they are. i did that with matt, and i think i am doing that with rickie. its like they let me see this side of them, and i hold onto that side and want it to exist all the time, but they dont let it out all the time, and they hide those feelings and part of themselves, so i just wait for it to come out again. but then i find myself waiting around for years and then are disappointed when it doesnt. i feel like i know this other side of them, which could be a lie honestly. they could just be talking shit to me and i eat it up. just like an idiot. i need to protect myself better from falling too hard. i need more, i want more. but i also want him. i want to go back to the bubble of waking up and cuddeling and kissing, and just having fun, playing like little cubs, i was so comfortable all of it was comfortable. i miss it.

live through this..

its looking like a limb torn off...

today has been terrible so far, i cant seem to stop crying. im so emotional, leaving philly was so hard for me. luckily i ate a ganja cookie and slept the whole trip across the country, but when i woke up it was gone for maybe 5 minutes, then hit me again. i seriously feel like someone died, like rickie died. like im never gonna have a chance again or something, which i dont get at all. our goodbye wasnt that bad at all. he said some really nice things to me and even shed a few tears, it was nice to see that he actually cares about me and has emotions for me. its weird i never really believe him, or believe that he really likes me enough, so im always on guard and it makes me wonder how much i have missed out on because of it. im so glad we got to spend so much time together though, it really was nice and what i needed. what we both needed, we had been building that up for over 3 years, and im glad it went so well.

i decided the only thing i can do now is manifest my way out of this situation. not in a bad way, but just really concentrate on moving, and having things work with him. i really believe hes my guy. he makes me feel like no one else. this has been going on for years, on and off, but we always come back to each other, always. i think about him every day and vice versa, or so i was told. i do fully believe that if its supposed to work out it will no matter what happens in between. i do have to believe that, otherwise i think ill go nuts. i think that there is a connection between us that is very special, and apparently has been going on for many many lives, so one of these times we have to work out right? i just honestly cant see me with anyone else. like in a few years when he finds himself more and is accomplished, he will be the most perfect person for me. but i do need to remember that right now, hes not. and i cant force it. i must just go on with my life, and go with the flow, because thats all i can do..funny how positive i can be typing, but yet crying while typing it. fuck you band of horses.

no one's gonna love you more than i do...

my philadelphia heart is broken

im so sad. so so sad.

i love him more than i thought i ever could

how do i go back to life with out all of this?

how do i pretend none of it happend?

how do i be happy with what i got?

how how how?

im sad...so so sad..

dance dance dance

words can never make up for what you do...

man i feel so weird, im leaving philadelphia tomorrow morning bright and early and its strange. its like i dont want to leave, but only because i dont want to break this bubble ive been living in. i live in this weird bubble here that keeps me going on, but its not real, its not reality at all. its like this fake world. im home and visiting, but if i lived here it wouldnt be like this i know it. its a weird thing. a lot of it has to do with r to be honest. its like we have these wonderful intense times, but they arent real either. they are based on the fact that im leaving tomorrow. none of it has to be real by any means. it can be what it is, and it can be intense and emotional, but its all not really gonna matter tomorrow, when our worlds go back to the way they were. i wonder to myself if i am still going to talk to him as much, or if our relationship will be the same, or if this trip would have taken away from the dream and fantasy of it all. its weird i feel a bit of both. i feel like i want it to be gone while im away because what difference does it make? i live 3000 miles away, why be hung up on someone who doesnt even live close to me? sometimes i dream of it working out long distance, etc etc, but it wont. i need more, i want more from a person im with. i want to be me and be loved for me, and not feeling weird around dudes. i seriously feel like i fell back into this shitty pattern that i am always in in philly. falling for a dude who doesnt really want to be in a relationship with me, but has this piece of me, so i act like a fuckin idiot and let him walk all over me. i do it for the fix, the drug fix of this person and how they make me feel while im in it. its so unfair to myself and to all the work ive done over the past few years to find full respect for myself and my body, but all that got thrown to the wayside when i came here. i knew it would be like this though, i knew i would try my hardest to spend time with him, and he would fuck around with me and only call me late night, and not let it be real at all, because he doesnt want to feel what it feels like to be real with me. hes scared or honestly just doesnt really have the same feelings as me. which is totally possible, and i am just a fool.

just a fool on a hill....

blinded by the lights..

oh man, i dont even know what to do or think anymore to be honest. i feel so weird and confused. sometimes i feel like a girl who just got her heart broken from a dude, like a super bad break up but then i think about it and its actually nothing like that at all. at all. i am actually in some what control, im the one who said lets just hang out and be each others company, but man every time we hang out its more intense and intense. last night was so special, like we were both so present and really in that moment and really felt the vibe and the playfulness of one another. then i wake up and leave and am left with a feeling of emptyness, and a feeling of regret of decision. but how can that be? i have a wonderful time i wake up with him cuddling me, and holding my hand, we lay there together in the morning and just hold hands and be quiet, its so incredible. so special to me, these are the times i will always remember forever, no matter what. its the times when i feel loved and like a lady. i never have liked waking up to being held onto, it usually makes me feel so confined and weird but not with him and it seems like he sleeps well with me in his bed too, i dont know there is so much good and so much bad to this whole thing. its always on his terms, and on his time, and he makes me feel like i have to walk on egg shells sometimes so that i dont freak him out too much, or make him feel uncomfortable, and those are the times when i think to myself, why the fuck do you even bother hanging out with someone who makes you feel this way??whats wrong with you! but my heart comes in and remembers laying chest to chest and just feeling as a single unit. it is something not easily left, but i must do it. i must.

but i will wait until the very last minute.

We are the ever living ghost of what once was..

the hole in my heart is larger than the grand canyon..

last night was by far one of the craziest nights ive had in a long ass time. i am so glad i am able to write about it now, because ive been a mess all day.

so where to begin..well it all started sunday when me and r slept together, it changed a lot of things, but i was kind of okay with it knowing that i would see him again on tuesday (ie last night) so i go there and we leave for the phish show then we went to the show which was fun..we did the whole shakedown street situation which was something ive always wanted to do. just hearing stories of my dad and other friends going to dead shows and traveling around, it was nice to be apart of it and experience it on my own with my own friends and it was everything i had imagined it would be. i was very stoked on it. we eat magic cookies and fungi, then drink a few beers have some food and then go into the show. in the show we have the best seats! we are so close to the stage and in a row of just 4 people, all of it, it was so perfect. so the show starts and i just go into it, i enjoy it and i dance, and i just let go, i let myself be free. but during this i go deep into myself and into my head and something brought it all out. i saw this vision of it all going away, floating off into the crowd, leaving my body and then my heart felt like it was bleeding, like seriously bleeding, ive never felt that feeling before in my life and i was holding my chest so hard, so hard, i felt like maybe i could help the pain, and i look over at him and he has his hands on his chest too, like he somehow knew that just happened, maybe not consciously but he knew somewhere inside him. so after this im just so whacked out of my head, i feel so weird and feel so upset, but i need to just get through it somehow and i do. we all take the train back to his house and sit there and chill for a while..then he goes upstairs and i do too..

we are in his room and its kinda awkward, not all excited like woo hoo we are alone, just weirdish. so i lay down on the floor and relax and he sets up some music, and when he joins me i bring up the other night and we discuss, and he says he doesnt usually do that but he made an exception for the situation, and then we discuss how nothing really changed because of that, everything else is still the same, so why not us just enjoy ourselves and just be together and do what we do..so we do that, and it was awesome, we were so intense and so together for a while, then i fell asleep in his arms, and through out the night he kept hugging and cuddling me and vice versa..i woke up before him and laid there for a while feeling so sad, knowing this was the last time this was going to happen between us. it was over for good. there is nothing more that can come from this, he isnt what i need, and i had to swallow this pill, and it was one of the hardest things ever. so i just laid there and stared and his freckles on his back and listened to him breathe and just tried to soak it all up. he woke up and i wasnt sure how it was going to be but it was incredible. we hugged, kissed a bit, rolled around just were like little bears playing. it was so nice. i kept calling it the bubble, because once we broke out of it, it was done. the first thing he said when he woke up was, i dont want to wake up because it will all be over or something along those lines and i couldnt agree more. we were living in a bubble together for the night, and as much as i loved it it hurts so fucking bad.

so i spent my day being a zombie. i was okay for a while, just zombie like and then i went to the tattoo shop to meet up with jenni and decided to finally get my philadelphia tattoo, and when i was getting that it all was getting harder and harder, then when i was driving home i fucking lost it. like lost it more than i have in so long. screaming literally. screaming crying, and people say that all the time, oh i was screaming crying, but i seriously was screaming i couldnt stop it. it was so involuntary. it just kept coming, i was crying so hard i couldnt breathe. i was so devastated i still am, but i feel a little bit better, i dissed so many people tonight, i couldnt be around anyone. i just couldnt. and im sorry i didnt get to see them all, but i needed to do it. i needed my time and space to try to cover up this wound in my chest.

so the question i keep getting is what now? are you going to not talk to him anymore? what do you do? honestly i dont know. i feel like i cant just be friends with him, but i cant not have him in my life. fuck my head is spinning just talking about this. i have such a love for him, that i dont think will ever be replaced by another human being. but this is all my doing, i am leaving him, i am deciding to move ahead and i decided he wasnt right for me. until he proves otherwise i need to stick to my guns, because i will never let anyone in if i still am waiting for him.

fuck i really let him go didnt i?

and the sky was all violet..

i feel like im in crazy world a little bit..yesterday as i was at the airport, r texted me and asked me if i wanted to hang out at his house after i flew in..i thought this was kind of bold of him, but i liked it. it was all i wanted too. i just wanted to hang out with him and see him and be in his presence. so then i go over there and for like 3 hours we sit around and talk, and once we talk about how we think about each other everyday and how weird it is that we are actually hanging out with one another. we would catch each others eyes and it felt so wild. like my heart would race, and my stomach was in knots. so the whole time nikole is waiting for me to come to georges parents house and sleep there, and its like 3am and shes like you have to come home, i have the door unlocked etc, etc, so i walk to the door and say goodbye and we hug, and just stand there and hug for a little while and it felt so good, so perfect, so right. then we start kissing and its kind of on, like so crazy and fast and intense and then we go into the other room and make out and so on and so fourth. but then when we were done it was kind of awkward and we just laid on the floor and didnt talk for a while, and all we could really say was wow did that just happen, etc, etc, and the weird thing was i wasnt so into it. i didnt feel like i felt last time, it was cold and harsh kind of. i have dreamed of it being romantic and soft and intense, and he was so overly excited that it was hard, i am still sore today. i feel like we both were disappointed with how it turned out, but lied about it to each other. like he said that it exceeded his expectations and dreams, but i dont see how, i was obviously not feeling it. he tried to look into my eyes a few times and share that, but i wasnt there. i dont know if i was just too up in my head about it, or if i really wasnt feeling it. he wants to hang out with me all week, its kind of weird to have this side of him, like i should be siked and eating it up, but im not. like he wanted to hang out tonight but i said no. its so weird, but i think its exactly what i thought it would be. i knew this would be closure time for us. i knew i would come here and get it, and not like it. i feel like my dream have been smashed kind of. like its been over 3 years since we had sex last, but we have sexted and everything, but never actually went through with it, that i think maybe my expectations were too high or something, but i guess i will find out tomorrow because im sure im gonna sleep there tomorrow.

when they get what they want, and they never want it again

you were wrong..when you said everything's gonna be alright..

fuck i told someone tonight that rickie was the love of my life. i actually said those words, what am i doing? why am i thinking these things? is it just how im dealing with being over it? its not gonna be over if i sleep with him, and sleep next to him and have this passionate night. its not going to be over. fuck. how does this make any sense at all? i cant seem to figure out how this would ever work. hes not ready. hes said it many times, its bullshit. either way im stuck with it. ive been thinking about him every single day since we talked last, i think about every aspect of him, i listen to his music, i listen to music he likes, im obsessed. im preparing myself for being in his presence. im so nervous, yet so anxious. i cant wait to spend a real night with him. no lies, no hidding, no anything. out there in the open, hanging out. i cant fucking wait.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

wolf i am...

one day the waters gonna wash it away..

my heart stops when i hear this song, actually it stops every time i hear any song off that album. i am semi disappointed in myself these days, its like im a living a fake life or something. i make decisions, and stick with them, but then fall back into my old pattern again and again..i know the title of this blog isnt the title of the song, but its what i typed in, and even though its backwards, i feel like its significant. i am a wolf sort of, or maybe he is..either way we are both fucked up and wrong. i need to move on, i thought i moved on. but i cant help but get a knot in my stomach while day dreaming us hanging out. i think about the fact that next tuesday at this time, im going to be with him, possibly alone in his bedroom with him, or maybe not at all, but i cant help but think about it and fantasize about the whole scenario. its unfair of me to do to myself and to greg. i needed to move on from him, let him go, he needed to be let go, but who the fuck am i kidding? that kid has my fucking heart and i am so scared that he always will.

today terra asked me a question i havent been asked in a long time.."why not go for it? why not make it work" she then went on to discuss how ever since shes known me, hes been a hot topic with me, thats only been 3 years, this has been so much longer than that. i cant believe it to be honest. almost 5 years of my life have i been loving and dreaming and wishing for someone i cant have. he is so unavailable, and i sort of am as well. i dont want to move back to philly, and he doesnt want a girlfriend or to move to california or anywhere for that matter. how on earth could it work? am i going to break my own heart next week? am i going to be fucked up over this? is anything even going to happen? am i going to finally get closure? if i do am i going to be okay with it all? can i really give up the ghost that is rickie? is it possible? i am scared to find out.

is the water going to wash it away one day?

lonesome tears, i cant cry them anymore...

im sick and it sucks. i really dont want to be sick when i go home, but i have this uncanny feeling im gonna get sick and get sick bad there, so im trying to change my perspective and be positive and just take good care of myself this week. im semi pretending im not sick at all, its weird it goes in and out, one minute ill be sneezing all over the place and then my eyes burn and im soooo sick, but then 10 minutes later it clears up and im ok for like 20 minutes. weird right?

as for the greg thing, well thats another story. after our craziness we talked the next day and both said sorry. i was kind of an asshole to him and i realized we both got mad issues and we both need to work on a few things and decided to slow it down a lot! we went too fast and the good thing is both of us realized it. i dont even know why im still talking to him, any other person id be out like shout, but i feel like i cant give up on him. i told him a lot about myself that night, i delved deep into the serious shit about myself. today i was supposed to hang out with him and watch the game, but he had other things to do, and i partially think he wasnt ready to hang out with me as much as i wasnt ready to hang out with him. i think i need my space from him, i semi dont want to hang out with him again until i get home from philly. give us like 2 weeks to chill out and for him to get into his new groove of his house and new job. when i talked to him today we talked about us and i said i just want to hang when we are supposed to, and he agreed and then told me that he knows all the pressure was his fault and he was sorry. he totally realized where he went wrong, and it was really nice to hear. i told him i still have some bruises from that night, and that i was sure he did too, he agreed. we both need to heal from that. the one thing that freaks me out is i was just talking about what i needed and he freaked, granted he didnt freak about me or my needs, but i need to accept that a bit more and be okay with it.

i think something at home is going to make or break me and greg. more likely make us, but i think maybe something has to go down with r. i need to finish off the cut from him, and im not sure what it will take but its coming, i feel it. i mean we are 98 percent done, but not 100 and i needs it to be 100 before i can give myself to someone else.

im tired of fighting for a lost cause..

wheres the fucking money lebowski

so i just had the most fucked up night ive had in a long time. ive been feeling kind of weird about everything with me and greg and have known for a while that we were way too ahead of ourselves, and tonight that really came to a head. it all started when he asked me to go to his house at 5 for dinner, and i just didnt want to. i straight up was not interested. i was so confused by this because this morning i woke up at like 4am and couldnt stop thinking about seeing him and hanging out and just being with him, but when it came up i freaked. i wanted nothing to do with it at all, and kind of tried my hardest to put it off. i was convincing myself that it was because im broke. but it wasnt that at all.

so he comes over and we are chillin and start making out a bit then decide to go to my room, and "lay down" so we do and the whole time im nervous because i know he wants to have sex with me, so i tell him i dont want to..then we start talking and i decide to tell him about my weird issues with sex and how ive always found myself to be an object and all that bullshit and he freaked the motherfucking out soooo fucking hard. it was nuts. i couldnt believe my eyes, sweet chill dude went fucking nutso in like 2.3 seconds. he started going off and about how hes not doing this and girls always put this shit on him and how they dont want to have sex all the time and he just doesnt want it. i was so fucking confused at this point. all i was doing was telling him about me and he freaked. i thought he was going to leave and never talk to me again, but then he sat down and we talked about it for a while, i told him everything i felt about it and everything ive been through through out the years, and he was listening and understanding, and things got cool again kind of. then we talked about how maybe all this time i didnt really like sex and just made myself believe that i am way sexual and all this shit, and it hit me so hard, like its so true. i only have enjoyed some sex not all of it and not all the time. i always thought i was this other girl, this sexy girl who loves sex and porn, but in reality i just like masturbating. because its just me, there is no pressure to please anyone else, its all alone. so that was wild then i was like where do we go from here, and hes like i dont know..so i decide to suggest maybe just hanging out and maybe not have sex for a while, and then he fucking lost it again, it was crazy..one minute i was laying on his chest talking and the next minute hes got his jacket on and is fucking losing it. so at this point im like woah fuck this shit, if i cant talk to you then we got nothing, peace yo. he starts going off about how hes so much better off being single and how when hes single nothing can hurt him and dating sucks and all this shit, which really confused me and i was like yo how can you say that when two days ago you were telling me you loved me? how does that make any sense?? so then we talked a lot more about everything and finally i made him realize that we were going too fast and weve only hung out like 5 times and he already said he loves me, when i dont even really know him. and he got it, he finally got it we were on the same page finally. (oh and the fucking craziest part is that we were on weed cookies, and they just decided to kick in during this conversation)so then we just watched its always sunny in philadelphia, but i wanted him to leave and he said he didnt want to leave, so right now im hoping that he will either fall asleep or feel well enough to leave. i dont know how to ask him to leave without it causing another huge fight. so all i came up with is i gotta go write, and left him in the living room watching big lebowski. its ten of 2 and i need to wake up early but cant imagine trying to sleep in the same bed with him. i understand we both kinda freaked but he freaked hard. i tried to tell him how angry he got etc and it started another little weird thing, so i feel like i cant talk now, and that is no fucking good. i need some time, some space. i need to work this shit out. and i need to be in my own house alone, and not feeling trapped. oh and the other crazy part is the electric went out for the first half of this whole night too, talk about fuckedddd up.

i hate whats going on right now. i am even unsure if i can hang out with him and take it slow. i dont know if i want to be with someone like this who freaks, but then i think well these are his issues and he doesnt know how to say them properly and its coming out like this. i feel like hes totally right for me, in so many ways except this one way of us not understanding each other, and its so fucking weird because i did our birth charts and that was the one thing it said too. it said it will never last because of it. it may be right. but on the other hand i think maybe i have to go through this and so does he, we need to say why we are who we are in relationships and maybe we need to work it out together and it will make us stronger. either way i need my space tonight and dont know how to get it. i have nothing else to type, but i dont want to go back in there!

hahah im such an asshole.

***update***
so after i wrote this blog, i went to brush my teeth and had the worst feeling in my stomach. i was so anxious and fucked up and freaked out that i told myself i need to just ask him to leave, because i really couldnt even imagine having to deal with that kind of anxiety any longer, so i went into the living room, asked him how he felt and he said fine, then i was like i feel like shit and would you mind maybe...and then he went yeah i was gonna go anyways. so it actually was a lot easier than i thought it would be. im sure i was putting off the vibes pretty clearly. the second he left i felt like a weight had been lifted off of me, it was amazing. i was so proud of myself that i did what i had to do, i was bummed it took me so long, but either way i stood up for myself and my emotions. the whole night i did actually. i honestly dont know how we are going to bounce back from this. i think i need some serious time to myself, and its good im going to philly so soon, because it will get me away and give us both the space we need to work this out. if there is anything left to salvage, but i dont see this thing being over yet. we like each other too much, and we did decide to just give it a chance, so i guess thats what we will do, but i think we should only hang out like once before i leave. i think it needs to be one of those things where we hang out outside of our houses and just hang out. go on dates, kiss, but no sex unless it just happens naturally, but otherwise everything was too forced and we werent ready for it all. we went from 0-60 in no time and it just be like that.

oh and heres my horoscope for today..wildness
Friday, Nov 13th, 2009 -- You don't like being told that you cannot do something because you truly need your independence. You also have an additional emotional charge because of the similarity between the obstacles you now face and ones that you previously couldn't overcome. Although you have had to be flexible in the past, today it might make more sense to push through your own insecurities. If your ideas are worthwhile, they are also worth defending

flowing with the flow..

im sitting here on a wednesday night on the computer on weed cookies and couldnt be happier. my friend ernie asked me to be a music reviewer on this new website he is making. He asked for 5 reviews and he said hes gonna make a profile for me and everything. i am so fucking excited about this. its like a dream come true. i mean how cool is it i have to listen to new music and talk about it? i decided to just write in my voice, the way i write on here. im even cracking jokes and everything. it just feels so natural for me. i couldnt be happier. its so fun searching the web for new music to listen to. i kind of fell out of the loop on the whole new music thing, but i feel like this just rekindled my love for hearing new music. right now im listening to this new morrissey that come out, its kinda horrible and im gonna tell people that too.

the youth radio project is coming around too. katie is working on finding grants and im working on writing the project and coming up with ideas on t they can do and how to do it and how many i want, and all this stuff. its really exciting to have to be the boss and think of all this. im like creating a class pretty much! its so cool. i feel like all this stuff is really coming together for me. its kind of a lot because its all happening at once, so my only option is to just take it all and run with it. like take it all head on and just go for it. dont think, dont stop, dont be scared just go for it. follow yourself, i feel like im int he flow of my life and following this current and am just floating down the river of my life.

greg told me he loved me last night.

umm yeah. loves me, already? 2 weeks and he loves me? its kind of weird, but i kind of like it, because some weird part of me feels the same exact way. overall i decided im most freaked out because i have a feeling this is it for me. this is the end of the line, this is the guy for me, the guy who is gonna love me so much and be such an amazing dude to me. i need to just jump in head first and go with it.

no need to fight the current right?

i guess ill see ya next lifetime

so today i hung out with greg and it was only weird for like the first 5 minutes and we both talked about it all, and how we are both feeding off each others energy and how it was circular. i felt like it was a good date. towards the end i was getting over it, but i think its normal, its like where else do we go? this is taking it slow, so 5 hours is plenty of time to spend on a technical second date. it was nice though, we went to the beach sat on a rock, chilled out then went to patricks point, my favorite place and hung out there for a while, then headed to see these really cool indian fort things, they were rad, and i thought he was gonna make out with me there, but he didnt, so i was kind of confused, but kind of happy it didnt happen there..then we went to dinner and talked about us and how when we have sex it will make everything better, because all that sexual nervous energy will go away, it was cool to talk about it so openly. i have a feeling its gonna happen sooner than i think, but i think im semi ready to take it to that level, i mean how long are you supposed to wait? ive been in this for 2 weeks now, even though we only have hung out twice alone, i still think the time matters. he also hasnt had sex in a while, so i understand his intenseness about him now. he just has pent up energy he needs to release, then i think he will be a lot cooler. i started to kind of freak out at the end, i wasnt so into the car make out, it wasnt hot. it didnt have me going at all, but i guess its cause there were a lot of people around and we were in the car, and i was leaning over on him, and his face was unshaved which totally hurt my face hahaha. but overall it was nice, there was no weird silences or anything along those lines. it was very relaxing the whole time. we both pretty much said we like each other more than friends, and see this going somewhere, so i guess that means we are dating?? haha i dont know. im looking forward to seeing where this goes though..

on a lesser level, im housesitting for my friend and her cat comes in and out, and i was trying to get him to come inside, and grabbed his collar to pull him in, and he pulled out of his collar and ran off, and its been like an hour and he hasnt come back yet, i dont know what to do! im hoping he comes home sooner than later, its only 630, but hes out there with no collar at all, and im so worried, and im scared he wont want to come back because hes scared of me! they will kill me!! they have had this car for like 15 years..eek i think he will come home before monday, im sure he will get hungry right?? eekk

and it appears to be a long time before the dawn..

so last nights blog discussed how i feel like greg is over me, and today pretty much proved it..well sort of..he told me "im sorry i havent gotten back to you, im just really stressed about this housing situation and dont want to put the negativity on you" so i take this as, either 1-an excuse that hes just not feeling me, or 2-hes being serious and feels like he needs to ground out and get a place then he can focus on me. of course im hoping for the ladder but who knows. all i can do is wait to see, but im not like waiting waiting around, if something else comes up in the meantime im gonna go for it, but i really hope he does get back to me, and gives this a chance. i hope he loses all his crazy anxieties and just realizes he likes me and just acts like a normal person and starts to date me.

i have this feeling thought that things arent over. i am still semi convinced hes my next boyfriend. i am so sure of it and i think thats why im not so freaked about this whole text message thingy. but yet i am quite sad, because there is that this may be it, and we may never talk again. and yet that means that i got my hopes up again over nothing. then makes me think whats wrong with me? why does this shit keep happening, then i think well fuck it, your time is still coming, just because you hit another speed bump doesnt mean its never happening. it will..

but it does appear to be a long time until the dawn

live life lonely??

since im an internet stalker, i found gregs myspace, and thats his status that he put up an hour ago..live life lonely, what the fuck does that mean? i called him about an hour ago and left him a message asking if he wanted to hang out this week, or not, and he never responded, actually we havent been talking too much lately things have been uber weird on the phone and ive been feeling like we both are kind of over this thing, but then on the other hand i feel like we never really gave it a shot. i feel cheated kind of, like i met this cool person and got a taste but it got taken away before i could even swallow it..our timing has been fucked up no doubt, but i was awaiting a nice alone hang out where we could get to know each other and actually talk, but i guess maybe if its meant to work it will and if not it wont. i think we both put too much clout on it, like it was too perfect for both of us, so we automatically decided we met our ones, without even knowing each other, which of course leads to a let down. now im wondering if i was too honest and sounded bitchy or something, or if he assumed i complained too much because i was honest about how i felt, but i guess i cant care about that kind of shit, if people dont like what i gotta say then fuck it right? it just feels weird to be written off so quickly, without a chance. i was giving him a chance, a chance to get settled and do his thing and be all ungrounded and now i feel dissed, and its fucking whack. i wanted to say something about it on the message i left him, but i didnt i just said lets hang out sober and alone and get to know each other, but i guess hes over me. oh well. time to move on i suppose. just like baseball season, both stabs to the heart, but oddly enough the phils loss hurts 10 times more. i put more into it than this situation with greg.

when will i learn to stop getting too ahead of myself?

Otis Redding has so much wisdom..

i dont even know what i want to type to be honest. every time i get on the internet i go to the same 3 sites and i hate them all, none of them do anything for me, im bored of the web to be honest. im bored in general. i feel in such a weird position recently, its like im happy but yet not at all, its weird. i have nothing to really be bummed about but there is this underlying sadness i feel and i hate it. i guess it has to do with my mom, and its like i want things to be cool with her again, but i really dont even know what to say. im not sorry for a word i said, at all. so where does that leave me? i already said sorry if i hurt her feelings there is nowhere else to go from there. i just dont like the uneasiness of it all. its going to be weird when im home for sure. i made a good decision tonight to go down to atlantic city with my sister for girl talk i think it will be fun to just leave everyone at home and go to this show with sarah and her friends, get wasted go dancing, just be me. its gonna be awesome. i decided to do this because otherwise i would be home and stuck doing some shit i dont want to do. i want to live a different life out there this time, and be the me now there, so this is the me now, doing things different and besides it will be cool to hang out with sarah, and maybe getting to see her out will give me a better look into her life, and maybe bring us closer together or something. either way it will be cool. i plan on keeping busy while im home, living it up per se. i think im seeing phish, def seeing girl talk and trying to go to an eagles game! i got 10 days and i want to keep busy and see as much of my family as possible, and old friends, like justin and teresa.

i talked to greg today about the whole touchy thing and it was nice. its so nice to be able to be open and honest and not scared that he will want to bounce. to know what i say matters and that he listens and takes into consideration what i want and need. i realized thought that i need to be lovey to him and show him that i like him too, because as of now, ive been so obsessed with myself and my feelings of overwhelming that i never stopped to think what that may come off as. i want him to trust that i like him and am trying to make this whole thing work out. i am kinda sick of talking about us and how much we are compatible when we dont really even know each other. im hoping to hang out with him on tuesday, i just wanna go to the beach or something and talk and cuddle and kiss and just be cute together.

fuck the yankees by the way

ill get him high, show him what i got...

so tonight i was lady gaga for halloween!! it was awesome, i really think my costume came together nicely. everyone knew who i was supposed to be which was awesome, and there only was one other gaga the whole night! but the best part was greg. we hung out the whole night together, and had a good time. he totally kissed me! we had our first kiss on halloween! he was a good kisser too which is awesome, but the only bummer is he kept trying to kiss me in public, like in the middle of the crowds and shit. i hated it. i couldnt really get into it fully, it made me uncomfortable, and unable to be in the moment, i really believe that shit is special and should be shared alone, ive always thought that, and tonight i only let it happen because i was in costume and nobody knew who i was, i had sunglasses on too!

greg and i really are in a better spot then we were two days ago..we talked about how things were weird and how both of us were wondering if this was gonna go anywhere, because of how weird it was, and both knew that the other one was thinking it too, and decided to just go with the flow. the one thing that gets me is talking about us the whole time, us as a couple, not as individuals. like i want to have real conversation with him, but i guess we havent been in the proper space to do that yet. i look forward to hanging out with him this week, under normal date circumstances. like where its just us, and we can talk and play and kiss uninterrupted. he was a really good kisser though, and he has great lips..he was kinda pawing me though too, i cant decide if i just am so used to being single that i dont like being all enclosed in someone, i mean i should want to be all over him and just be in his energy, but i didnt. but there was a million people out and constantly someone bumping into you or something weird, so i dunno. its halloween, nothing really counts until our next date.

so lets hope it goes well!!

signs signs everywhere are signs...

Friday, Oct 30th, 2009 -- Although you thought you had a particular problem already licked, today you realize that there's still work to be done now that the situation is progressing. You can make real gains, but you'll need to overcome your own negativity by considering your long-term goals and not just what must be finished before the weekend. Your current happiness depends on finding a balance between the present and the future.

there seriously are signs everywhere. i have been freaking out over this whole greg situation and tonight i feel like i had some break throughs. and then reading my horoscope for the day really was the final kicker. its telling me right there everything i think i need to know. i just needed to put this up to be a reminder to myself to slow down and find the balance between now and later, because like jenni said, this is the best time, this is the foundation, and this is the only chance we have to go through this, so enjoy it. and im going to try.

awkward nights...

so i went to the mos def show tonight, which by the way fucking sucked. well he was hot and sounded good, but he seriously came out at 130 and played for only 20 minutes and half of it was him rambling on and on about some shit, you could tell he was uber blazed and over all it was whack...so not to mention i worked all day, rushed home to watch the phillies, tried to relax to go out because i knew greg would be there and got myself together and got high and went out. but when i got to the show it was super fucking packed with weird people and i was having the beginning signs of panic attacks, it sucked but luckily we got a table and could chill out until mos came on..so besides that, i had yet another weird interaction with greg..

when i first got there, i saw him in the crowd, but i ducked out. i wasnt ready to face it yet, i didnt have a spot, i didnt know where my friends were, so i just ducked and ran. after i got settled, i was still super nervous and like making myself crazy over it, so i decided to text him, but my texts werent working, long story short i finally got a hold of him and met him out front to smoke a blunt. it was him and his friend and it was sooooo weird soooo fucking weird i took a hit of the blunt and it tasted weird and i freaked quietly inside my brain and luckily he asked me to go somewhere else with him. he then tells me he ate some mushroom honey or something and was feeling it. so then we get alone and we are just standing there and its sooo weird, and he goes i hate how weird this is when we are together, and i go me too!! it sucks so bad, then we hugged, but then he wanted to go back inside, which is the last place i wanted to be, so blah blah blah, weird interaction and overall im just scared things wont ever be normal between us. what if we just dont fit? its weird how i never thought that as a possibility at all. after i realized he was perfect, it was kinda like well thats that, but now im starting to second guess myself, which blows i really didnt want to go there. i didnt want to feel insecure or scared of things not working out, its going to pull me away so quick and i hate it. the good thing is we talk about it, but i just dont know how we are gonna get past it. its all him, all of it. so he needs to fix it or hes gonna lose me. and quick. i wish i had time to write more, but i need to go to sleep and go to work tomorrow morning.

goodnight.

in an instant, i remembered everything...

tonight i had a pretty big breakthrough with greg. ive been worried that things werent going to be more relaxed, because i feel like hes a little uptight, but i know hes not deep down inside but he has been with me, and that makes me feel weird and uncomfortable, so tonight i brought it up and it was so smooth and nice to just be able to talk about stuff so openly. like we are so on the same page, and told each other that we liked each other and that we both see this actually going somewhere and everything and he told me he knows he has a shield up but it has nothing to do with me, and he knows it will come down soon, and i agreed, and then things felt a little bit more relaxed..its also been hard because weve just been talking on the phone, but i think its good too. he says hes not really into talking on the phone, and i really think im gonna bring out some parts of him that has held back and vice versa for me too. im really excited about it all actually. i think this is going well and perfect. i also told him i like that its going slow and hes not giving me everything right away, because he wants to get to know me and he agreed..i guess we both just agree on a lot of stuff, and are so honest and open. i told him that he filled all my requirements and more and it felt good to say that. at first i was worried that i was saying too much, but then i realized that i wasnt. i was going with my gut and it was perfect. he talks about the future a lot and plans for us next summer and as much as it semi freaks me out, i like it too. its nice to know that someone wants to spend time with me, and wants to for a long time. its just so comfortable with him, i told him that im not worried about stuff with him that i usually have been, i just know its all gonna be okay, and he said he felt the same! its so nice, i feel like it takes off so much pressure, to actually just be on the same page. i have a feeling there is a tiger inside him that im gonna really be into when it comes out. i look forward to that happening, and im no longer worried about sexual side anymore either. i think its all gonna be great and passionate. i was worried that it would be sloppy and awkward, but i feel like after our talk tonight things just are going the way they are supposed to.

yet again, i am happy. i am even a bit smitten

equality for all in relationships...

so i talked to greg on the phone tonight, and it was awesome. we really got through that hard awkward period, and even talked about it which is cool, and i told him i really liked how weird our date was yesterday..he agreed..we talked tonight about so much, life, and how we both kind of had the same loveless childhood, and dont really know how to accept peoples love and help, and so i think thats really good for us to have met, because its nice to have someone know exactly why you are weird or quirky about stuff especially relationships. i just feel like this dude gets me, like i said before he checks off all my requirements. hes motivated and told me he likes me and i told him i like him, so hopefully next time things will be less weird and more natural. im glad we talked on the phone, it was more open and honest. i wasnt scared to say anything, and i let myself be put out there a bit, but not too much and i feel like he did the same. in some ways, hes kind of hard to talk to, like hes kinda straightish, but yet not at all. its a weird combo, so there are theses weird awkward silences where i feel like i need to fill in, because hes nervous or something. its all pretty cute though. we had some good laughs, and he has good stories. hes a bad boy at heart, but is older and more mature, which is so perfect for me. i really can see this going somewhere, i dont know where but somewhere. we both pretty much feel like fate put us here, and are going for it. i hope that the kissing is all good, i think it will when the time is right. i can imagine it being pretty intense, because i think that we both feel like we are giving ourselves up to the other person, in the best of ways of course. meaning like im gonna really let my guard down and try to make this a relationship, and i feel like he is too, so its like putting it all out there, which will lead to way intense shit. either way im way siked on this whole thing, im excited to see where it goes..i have a feeling i know some of his friends, and that will be interesting. (he just texted me and said hes really enjoying getting to know me, and will be thinking about me) how fucking cute is that? its so crazy to have someone actually like me for me, and me like them back. i know it sounds so elementary, but i feel like i never had it like this. it always had some sort of weird situation, with an ex, or not calling me, or some sex that ruined it, or me trying to make it work..this is different, this is just natural and equal, which is the most important thing to me. ive been looking for equality in dating and i got it. i really feel like i got exactly what i asked for.

im happy.

one of the greatest first dates...

its funny because even thought it was a great date, it was clumsy, awkward and weird at times, but thats what i love about it. it was so perfect, hes so perfect..hes the right amount of me, mixed with the right amount of what i need..i loved it. hes respectful, good looking, interesting, an individual, caring, honest, communicates, has a little bad boy background, disciplined, adventurous, spontaneous, hes the perfect piece to the puzzle. and he didnt try to kiss me at the end! which is sooo perfect, and i know that seems weird, but it was just so right. a kiss would have been forced and weird. it wasnt the mood of us at that point, we were still just talking and getting to know each other, there is no room for kissing yet. we arent there yet, but we will, im sure of it. i bet we have at least 2 more awkward dates before a good kiss moment comes, but when it does i bet it rocks my world. i totally see him as my guy, i thought it the first time we met, and im sticking with it. there is nothing bad i can say about him at all, which is fucking weird. there is no well he does act like this, or say this, hes just perfect. im happy, but its weird because im not all jittery cant wait to see him again happy, im just contently happy, because i KNOW i will see him again and then it will just be. its comforting in a way, its a feeling i like. i know he can take care of me, and wants to..he told me that hes trying to ignore how beautiful i am, so he can concentrate on getting to know me, how romantic is that! i love that a dude thinks im beautiful and also wants to get to know me, and wants to wait to kiss me, its just so perfect. i look forward to our next date!

worries worries worries...

oh my god im so hungover today..i woke up and had the worst feelings ever at like 8am, then slept till like 1130 and felt better, but then i tried to eat and feel like shit..it would be a great day to lounge around the house and do nothing, but this new dude greg called me and asked me to hang out, and so im going to do that, but i dont really feel 100 percent yet so im trying to kill time to just feel better before i jump in the shower and attempt to find a cute outfit..im also worried, because i have this idea of him in my head, and when i talked to him on the phone he seemed so dorky or something. he was very straight sounding, like all military or something haha but i know im supposed to think that, because supposedly the next dude im gonna meet according to my psychic is that hes gonna be a bit more straight laced then im used to, and if it was even a year ago i wouldnt pay an ounce of attention to him, but its the kinda guy that is better for me, a guy that will treat me with respect and honor and its totally what i need. so i guess im just feeling nervous about it. but i should just go back to the me that says if its meant to be it will, etc etc..its good he lives so far away, because we wont just hang out all the time, it will be random and i will still have my space and time to myself to keep myself, that is of course if we hit it off today or not. i just need to remember to be myself and not act like a weirdo but its gonna be hard because i feel like shit!

on another topic, im worried about me and my drinking. its weird i dont drink everyday or anything like that, but when i drink ive been getting so drunk i dont remember the night before and i do dumb shit. like last night i went to go to my friends wedding reception so i had some champagne, then went out with some other friends and drank more and more its like i dont know when to stop or something, but i do too, its weird. i stop when i feel too drunk, but i guess its after i should have stopped, and ive been telling myself to only have one drink and then just chill, but i never remember that and just go for it! so i think i need to stop drinking all together. i need to become clean or something..ive thought about going to aa or something, but im so not into that idea. i think i can do this myself, i need to make sure i remember all the craziness. like last night i made out with this dude, who ive been checking out for a while, but i dont even know why i did. hes too young and dumb and just wanted to fuck..i didnt let him because i had my period, but i wonder if i would have if i didnt. my normal brain says no way would you, but who knows what my drunk brain would think. im starting to think about my liver, and my blood and everything its like my legs hurt when i drink or when im hungover they tingle, and i was a little shaky this morning. its scary. im really starting to scare myself. i do also get all tough and yell and be an asshole when i drink, im totally turning into a bad drunk. ugh i hate it. but i cant focus on the negative, i must stay positive and tell myself that next time i wont do it. i need to stick to the weed for now, but even that has to go. ive been having problems at the gym being able to breathe when im doing certain cardio. that scares me too, esp since im getting older and my body isnt reacting the way it used to with stuff.

well i better go get ready for my date!

no title...

listening to yourself on the radio when your not there is quite weird. but yet cool at the same time..i love technology its so wild..

anyway i wish my technology of my phone would ring or beep a text from that dude greg. actually i dont know why im being so weird about this whole thing, i know that he is going to call when he has the time to, and if he doesnt then fuck it, its no lose..but im gonna be honest, i really feel like this dude is gonna be my boyfriend. there is just something inside me that is so sure about it, and its weird because i feel like maybe ive said that before, or whatever, but this time its kinda different, it feels like its just a fact, like there is no question and the weird part is i dont even know him. i seriously hung out with him for maybe an hour and half the time was with my friends, so i dont know why i feel this way, i just do. he just seems right for some reason. i suppose i will find out sooner or later. but i do feel like im in that weird zone of do i make the first call/text or wait for him to? my first thought is well if i dont call him then he might forget about me, or he might think im not interested, but then my brain kicks in and goes umm if he wants to get to know you he will call no matter what. and thats the bottom line. if its meant to be it will be. i cant go chasing it around anymore, if its gonna come its gonna come.

on other fronts, r texted me with some bullshit last night about if i dont want him to text me or write on my facebook, he wont..and it annoyed me so bad, its totally his game with me, he knows he lost me so hes looking for any excuse to talk to me, rather than just talking to me..either way hes out i cut him off from me, so fuck it. i wrote him back and told him he was being dramatic and if he wanted to text me to do so, because we are friends and nothing more so there is no reason to read into anything blah blah and all he wrote back was "my bad" so whateves, im not playing this game with him. i feel really good about that..

mos def is playing a surprise show up in humboldt and im pretty siked. it sucks that its on a day i have to work and have to work the next day too, but i think it will be worth it. im tired of working, im tired in general. i need a few days to just chill, because i have a feeling that the next year is gonna be crazy busy i think good things are coming for me, and im way siked.

hopped up out the bed...turn my swag on...

i feel like a million bucks this morning, i had a wonderful night last night..
1-the phillies are the nl champs, world series baby
2-i finally got my period yesterday and im so happy it finally came after 2 weeks of pms
3-im back in my gym phase, very happy about that
4-i did all the work i needed to do yesterday
5-it was terras bday and i was having a night with the girls
6-i saw ghostface killah last night and he winked at me when i offered him the blunt, pure bliss
7-i met a nice guy, whos cute and easy to talk to

one bad thing is that i came home and sofia had peed on my bed now this is a problem. i think its based on the fact that my dad left her to spend a whole night alone in my house while i was in seattle, and last night i didnt get home till 2am, so i think she was scared and anxious. im so mad at my dad for that, i kind of cant get over it.

anyway back to the good stuff, so this dude. his name is greg. i got to town earlier than my friends, so i was gonna just sit in my car and smoke, but decided to go have a beer instead, i knew it was pint night so i brought my phillies pint and found my way in the bar. i was gonna sit closer to the door, but decided to go towards the end of the bar, there was a small space between dudes, so i just stood there..we both glanced at each other, but i ignored him a bit..then my friend mike the bartender came out and gave me a hug and a barstool, so i sat down. i ordered a beer and chilled for a minute..after a few sips dude talked to me, and we had a pleasant conversation. i knew i had to leave, because i kept getting texts from the girls, but i didnt want to leave him, so i brought him along. he met all the girls, and got along well with them. he chilled with us for a while, but we had to go to the show. so we all went to go smoke a blunt and hung out, and then me and him exchanged numbers and there was a moment where i thought he was gonna try to kiss me, but i didnt really let him. i just hugged and walked away with a cute smile.

i thought about him all night, and this morning. i was going to text him and see if he was still around or not, but i just wanted to wait and see what happend instead. im going to let this one be natural. he lives 45 minutes away from here, but i think its only for the summertme, so he should be back around these parts soon enough.

im siked.

looks like its gonna rain again..

im feeling really sick of the internet and facebook lately. i feel like i dont want to know anything about any of these people anymore..do i even know them? nope. not most of them, i know who they are on the internet, but in real life i wouldnt hang out with 98 percent of them. so why am i even on there? when i ask myself this question, i say boredom really is the answer. or i guess i felt like it kept me connected to philly and my friends there, but ive been realizing i only got a few friends there, and i talk to them on the phone, so why am i on this thing? i think im gonna stop posting on there. but im so addicted, when i say that my heart hurts, and my stomach drops, which totally means i need to fucking stop it. ive been really changing a lot lately and it feels really good. i even have thought about changing my cellphone number to a california one, but i dont know if its needed or not. i feel like ive had that one for the old me, and i need a new me number to start fresh, not have the energy of that phone number, the people ive called or texted over the years, the weirdness of my life was documented on that phone number, it was who i was in philly, but as its been shown to me, its not me anymore. i am me now. i like the me now too, i am confident, honest, proud, i dont take anyones shit, i know what i want, and i do what i want, i dress how i want, and i listen and say what i want. its wonderful, so freeing. i never knew life could be so good. all it takes is not giving a fuck and having faith in yourself and not letting other people tell you what you should or shouldnt do, feel, or say. we all have it inside, just not everyone is ready or wants to do so..

in this quest, ive found such joy that i want to share it with everyone, and empower everyone i talk to and make them see their worth and what they deserve and respect, since i found my power..but the thing is i think im coming off preachy, like natalie said. i dont know if im getting through, or picking the wrong time, or wrong way to go about it or not. i dunno, all i want is for everyone i love to be happy and do the best they can do and enjoy everyday and not worry about drama, or bullshit..but its not for everyone. not everyone is ready, and i need to remember that more often.

chachachachaaaangess

i am totally in a state of change. i want everything to be different. i want different cell phones, clothes, car, decoration, facebook, seriously every thing in my life i want to be completely different. start a new per se.so i decided to start slow and change my room around. i realized i fucking hated the thing that held my clothes, i havent had a bureau for like 4 years now, so i went to target to go purchase some new items to spruce up my house and bedroom a bit. i changed the location of my bed and put a small dresser in the closet, bought a 5 shelf bookcase but while putting it together realized it is really for 2 people to put together, it even says it on the instructions..so what is a single gal to do? i decided to just use half of it. while putting it together i realzed i could get a 3 shelf bookcase, so i used it, i put all my clothes on it and used the other half very ghetto style, but it works. both actually work in my room. the thing is i just dont know if this is the way it should be set up. im against the bathroom wall and can actually look into the living room from my bed, and i dont like that. i want my room to be my room, when im in bed i want to be in bed. so i guess im gonna have to change things around again. but there is so much space in here now with the way it is, the bed is kinda out of the way and not the center piece anymore, and i like it like that. but we will see im gonan give it a couple days. thats my new thing, giving all my new things a few days to adjust. it almost worked with my new cellphone, but i still feel like im lacking something with it, and so i say fuck it. im moving on and getting a new one tomorrow. returning this shit and hooking up with a new blackberry!

thats all i got in me

just do it

im starting to feel a bit more like myself..the last three days all i did was drink, eat and watch baseball and go to the beach. seriously. it felt good while i was doing it, but i would always feel bad. sofia has bad fleas and i was supposed to get her flea medicine for the past three days and didnt. i was an asshole mom. i totally dissed my kid to go party. i felt like shit about it this morning. i woke up and decided i didnt want to do that today. today i wanted to do what i had to do to get back to me. i went to therapy today for the first time in months. it was nice, but weird at the same time. i told her everything that happend, but it just felt old. like old news, but there is something still holding me back from feeling like me again and i thought going to the therapist would help me find the answers. but alas it didnt. i made another appointment for 2 weeks from now. if anything its just nice to talk about yourself and only yourself for an hour. i tooted my own horn a bit about myself and my newly found goals. i think im gonna take classes here for the next year while i stay here and save money. i was gonna just save money and then go to school, but why not do them both at the same time, or at least take some classes? get this ball rolling a bit. ive been meaning to do it for so long, but it finally made the most sense to me. im gonna be here either way, might as well do something with my time. even if i fail who cares, it doesnt matter to me. i just want to do something i need to pick something and do it. just do it like nike says. its time to do something with myself.

nikole told me today that her and her friend were talking about me moving, and they were discussing how hard it will be for me to adjust to a new setting, and settle in and find friends at a new place, and to take that into consideration on where i move, and to be honest they are right. at first i played it off like i already thought about that, but i didnt. i never stopped to think about the day to day of a new place. which kinda blows because its like im either stuck here, la, or philly area. and none of them sound too appealing to me. i mean i guess they do kind of each in their own ways, but i just dont know. it feels too confining or something. here is just here, ive been unhappyish and single forever, la is too nikole and her life, and too expensive and too easy for me to fall back into party melissa, and philly is pretty much dead and gone to me, but i could just hang out with other groups and make a new place for me there semi easily. like if i lived in media or west chester or something. i could be close but not too close. i dont know man i dont know what i want or where i want, i just know i want.

gimme gimme gimme

i wish i knew what i was really holding back..

i want me back. i want to feel like i felt before i went to philadelphia. i want the confident, healthy, exercising, happy melissa back. shes gone, i know shes not gone for good, but she is gone. she is on some extended vacation that i am so unhappy about. where did i go? why did i check out? i guess i could sit here and list the reasons, but thats the weird thing, i know the reasons, i feel like i have dealt with them, i acknowledged them, talked about them, cried about them, and so what now? what else is there to do?

my body is even taking it out on me, i tried to work out twice since i got home and my body was like taffy. it didnt want to work out, it didnt want to do anything. i wanted to lay there. as soon as my muscles started working, they would shake, shake like a herion addict coming down. shake like they couldnt even deal with the fact they were being strained. so what do they do? they fucking strain on me, take me down to the ground. unable to preform anymore tasks. all i can do is lay around and why why why? why is my body doing this? well i suppose its telling me to chill the fuck out and take the time to sit around the house and figure out whats going on in my life and how to fix it. but ya know what? i dont want to fix it, i fixed it already. time to move on.....ughhhhh on top of this pain im in from my whole body, oh yeah forgot to mention my chiropractor wants me there 3 times this week, because my bones arent aligned, my neck is out of whack and my back is just fucked. and they wont move, so he needs to make them move. how do you think i go about telling my doctor that its not gonna happen until my brain lets it? he would think im fucking nuts. oh yeah while i was torturing my body with exercise this morning, i just started crying. burst out in tears. it was the oddest thing ever. i was one second trying to remember to keep my abs tight and the next thing i know im crying. i had to leave the class, and go sit in the locker room and cry to myself. i didnt even let it all out either. i held it in and it hurt. it always hurts your chest and throat when you need to cry and you hold it back.

i wish i knew what i was really holding back.

more than a feeling...

there is so much to say about the things ive been feeling and going through over the past week. its crazy how so much can happen and change your life. ive dropped so much of the shit ive been holding up inside and i really shed my skin, i left r behind, i realized a lot about him, i told my mom everything i thought and feel like i broke some sort of barrier with her, and then last night was the icing on the cake. realizing the life i thought i always had just waiting for me, wasnt. its like my identity is lost. who am i if im not the person ive always been? ive always identified myself as melissa from philly who was into hardcore, sxe, then partied hard, then moved to cali, then graduated temple, then partied, go out dancing, and just having fun in the city....all of those were me. they were my life, but im now forced to start making a new life. not that i havent done that already, but somewhere in the back of my mind i didnt realize thats what i was doing. i was just doing what i had to do, living this life, but i never identified myself as it. but the reality is that it is me, this is the me, this is the me im letting just go on everyday waiting for the other me to come back, but shes gone man. gone. and she has been gone, but i just never believed it. i thought she could come back, but shes not. shes dead and gone. so now its time to live in the now and accept me for me. accept this is my life, and what im doing. not that i havent before, but just on a different level than i ever have before. its a weird feeling. so freeing, but so so scary too. its refreshing to realize i dont have anything to answer to, or to be. i can be me and do me, all the time now.

when i was out with t and k it was so weird, we all had nothing to talk about until other people came. we sat there in silence for a lot of it, and i tried to teach them dice and k was into it but t wasnt. t treated me like i was crazy for wanting to play dice, like it was so uncool. but thats who i am, i go to the bar and throw dice, and i have friends who do that with me and love it and love me for it. they dont love me for me. they dont even love the old me, its more a habit i think than anything else. like we all are clinging to one another because we remind each other of who we used to be. its just all so weird. i feel like i havent even really settled into the idea at all. i bet i will when im back in california though. this whole thing kinda makes me not wanna come home for thanksgiving, but then i realize that i just dont gotta do those things. i need to make my coming home better and different. hang with the family and a few friends and thats it. i dont know, i dont feel like typing anymore..more to come later i guess.

its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday,....

man tonight i got wasted, so wasted. i drank so much whiskey straight and thought i was okay, i honestly think now im okay when i know im not. im so drunk still. my night was horrible. when im home i dont show me off, i show the old me off, i live in the past when im in philly, its just weird. i think the people are the same, the things are the same, and the life is the same, but its not. i live a totally different life, and i guess i expected other people to live the same life with me out of it. it was wrong of me, and im glad i recognize it. i never realized it before, and i feel like such an idiot about the whole thing. this whole weekend has made me realize how much of an idiot i am about a lot of stuff. that whole r thing, man im a fucking idiot. i seriously believed him and all he said to me, and i held onto it so much, i guess i just wanted the good out of it, i wanted to believe that this shit was true, like i wanted to believe i could come home and live the same life i did before. its not happening and i realized it tonight. i always thoug tthat part of me still was there, it would always be there, but its not, its dead and gone and it happened right before my eyes and i didnt even notice, i guess i didnt want to notice. but ive been gone a long ass time and should have seen it. but home aint the home i left at all. and everyone else knows that but me, i feel dumb about it all to be honest, i wrote tara and kerri and said sorry, but i got no response i dont know what i was expecting either. penance? forgiveness? a free pass? an oh its okay, no worries? i guess so but im not getting those and probably wont either, they are both probably hating on me so much right now. but i know i shouldn't worry, because its part of the process, but i do. i worry a lot. but im still drunk and need to go to sleep. night

its good to be here..

man when i was flying over philadelphia tonight my eyes teared up, i was so utterly happy to be landing in my hometown. this place hold so much for me, and i never ever forget it. ive lived in california for 3 years now, and every time i think of home, it has the same great feeling it alway did. over those 3 years ive kept in touch with the majority of my friends, (thanks to facebook) and on the phone, i talk to my family regularly and feel pretty up to speed on life back here. i guess i feel like im on some extended vacation sometimes. its weird because the place i live in in cali is so home to me, i made it mine. its all me up in there, but im starting to feel detached from it all. im feeling like its holding me back. that place was a place of solitude and healing, and now i feel ready to start moving on from those feelings and start my new life. my newly found awesome life that im going to make for myself. but i wish i knew where i wanted to move to. i want to move back east for sure but i jsut dont know where yet. i know i will figure it out.

i feel like this trip was so needed and so in my destiny, i cant explain it but i feel like a lot of people need me here and i need them too. jenni, tara, nikole, aunt lisa, my grandmom, my mom, my niece, my sister i feel like me and r really need to close this thing up too. its weird he was the first person i really wanted to see when i was landing. i was thinking of all these ways to see him, i even drove by the bar we all used to hang out at hoping he was there. i wanted to walk in and surprise him, and then hang out with him, and make plans to hang out this week and just have things be cool. i wanted so much, but its weird since i felt like i let him go, i let those feelings go away and i have felt good about it until i was landing, and could see him. i dont know if i did all that in cali to help myself heal and feel like a free woman, but its weird i still do feel like a free woman and like i can go over there and hang out and maybe have sex, but it doesnt matter, because im not gonna get all tied up in that again, i know where we stand, i know we arent meant to be, so why not just have fun? maybe i am tricking myself, but maybe im not. he probably wont even want to hang out with me, so its whatever. he did invite me to hang out tomorrow, so i might try to do that if nikole isnt into hanging out, but im sure she will be. shes not gonna want to be hanging out alone, but maybe she wont be either. i dont know im leaving it up to the fates. whatever happens, happens and is meant to be that way.

this trip is fated for sure..