It felt like love...

So I decided yesterday to take back control of my life. I felt like i was spinning out of control for the past few weeks, and finally the wheel stopped and i could get a grip again. I honestly cant even beleive this tyler thing is even still an issue. I wanted to break up with him 2 weeks ago, and I was sticking around because I was scared to lose the sex. I was being selfish and really just wanting to bang. I know he is not the guy for me, I have known it for a long time now and its just time to break it off. So yesterday we were texting back and fourth about the fight we got in on Thursday night. I was being very honest and telling him how its not working for me. He didnt seem to think I was being serious, because after I wrote the final chop, he wrote back that hes on the road and lets sleep on it. Its like yo dude I just broke up with you. This is going to be a lot harder than i thought, but I am sticking to my guns here. The sex isnt even good anymore anyways. Its hard for me to get into because I dont like him. I just dont like him anymore. I really really tried to, but I couldnt make myself do it. And besides I never should have to try to like someone. Either you do or you dont. The thing we had was not a relationship at all, it was bullshit. It was based on sex and it wasnt fun otherwise.

The other thing I took control of was my living situation. This place sucks. Plain and simple. I told my landlady I am moving out on the 21st and sadly I am moving into my parents house. i really dont want to do that, but I have to. Its my last straw honestly. I wont have internet or cable or anything that i want or need. I will also be back up on the hill, which I dont wanna do either. But its free. I need to save any money I would be spending on rent on moving. Living there will save me 750 dollars towards moving, and possibly rent for a place in LA. Its very apparent I am meant to be there. I dabbled with the idea that I didnt have to go there, but its not true. I need to be there. I need to go work some job, and deal with it. I am going to apply at the airport first thing when I get there. I am also gonna apply at temp jobs, just because. I will need to make money asap and its gonna be hard working so many hours for no money, but it will be steady and stable and its what I need. This whole saving money thing is new to me, and not spending my money when i go do whatever I want to do. Its gonna be good for me to have to start saying no to things that cost money and start saying yes to work. Tomorrow i am going to work with my friend fuzz at this new place and hopefully its good and hopefully they like the work I do. I realized I am a bad trimmer if there is bad weed. i need to be more aware though, and make sure I keep doing a good job. Constant quality check tomorrow. I might not make that much money, but I will give myself a good reputation, which i dont have in some circles. I know a lot of people that I work with trim together at other places, but I have never been invited, which makes me think someone said I wasnt good at it. Otherwise I am sure they would ask me to come along. Everyone enjoys my company, but nobody invites me. Even Emma was asked to work a job with J&N and that hurt to hear, and I know they felt awkward about it, as they should. It shouldnt be a secret whats up. People need to tell me these things. I have been told many times by many different people how to fix my work, and I never do. I need to get on that, because I need to learn how to suck it up and do a better job. This is my money and I cant afford to lose it. The good news is I work at least once every week for the next three weeks. Fuck though I only really work 7 more times before Jan 15th. which is my projected move date. What am I gonna do? How is this gonna work out? I just really hope that these jobs are really good and none of them are bad turn outs. I need to make the optimum amount of money from each one. I just have to keep the faith and know its gonna be okay.

Can this really be the end?

I am thinking Tyler and I are on the verge of a break up. Today was day two of cleansing and not smoking or drinking and barely eating any food at all. It didnt go over so well honestly. I felt like shit all day long and almost passed out trying to pack up some stuff around the house. I was in a shitty mood and didnt really feel so good, and he kept sending me sext messages and it grossed me out. like seriously grossed me out. I read one and went ewww. now thats no good. i decided to be a bitch and write him a message back asking him to please stop sending those to me. i knew i kinda lost my mind when i reread that later. i was embarrassed by my words and i should have just left it and not responded. i dont really know how to do that. i also realized that when i date someone i dont look at them as humans. i dont think they have emotions and i get all into myself and how i feel but i never realize how they feel. i am so fucking selfish in a relationship, and i didnt really realize it until tonight. i think i do get it once they leave but its like i make them leave by treating them like they are nothing. i am so overly concerned with myself and keeping myself happy that i never give myself fully. i never really care about them. i focus on me and how they treat or talk to me, and never how i do to them. its like some part of me thinks its okay since i communicate so nicely and make time for them, but thats not what a relationship is. its give and take and i think i just take. maybe because with matt i gave so much and same with rickie that they kinda fucked me up to the point where i dont have it to give. or maybe nobody has been worth it yet. but can i keep saying that for the rest of my life? dont get me wrong there is a large part of me that knows tyler is not meant to be in my future, but my teacher for future relationships, and possibly why i dont give in. but how can i learn while keeping myself back? ya know its true with the dog situation too, i hate his dog, but maybe he hates my dog. maybe he just hides it better. maybe sofia is super fucking annoying to him too, with how she sleeps with us or snores or lays on top of him. maybe he takes it in stride better than i do. i am a mess. holy shit. some part of me thinks that i am great and everything i do is okay and great too because i am so intune with myself, but i do disregard other people and think nobody can be like me or that nobody gets me. but i dont let them.

i got a lot of learning to do.

I AM MINE!

I am falling with no one to catch me....

I am feeling crazy lately. Life is kinda sucking in many ways, but oddly enough i know this isnt going to last and that i will be okay. i know it will work out, i know it will be okay, i know i know i know. but fuck man. fuck. this waiting and wondering is crazy. i have to be out of my house, my nest, my special place in the woods on the 24th, which is less than 20 days away and i havent done shit, literally shit to pack. i cant. i try to want to do it and i cant do it. i look at the stuff and just look at it and lay there. today i literally did nothing. not a thing. i laid on the couch and watched tv. i took a nap and watched more tv. i caught up on some shows, but mostly just watched baseball. i couldnt do anything else. the only good thing is i kinda fasted today which ruled. i only ate fruits and veggies until dinner time which i ate a piece of salmon and a bit of brown rice. i am kinda starving now, but its okay. i need to cleanse and lose some weight. im gonna do it tomorrow too. if i can lose 3-5 pounds i would be happy. it would be a start. its weird how i feel skinnier already. thats how it works for me. i need to see some sort of change and it makes me work harder. if i dont see anything i give up.

tyler and i had a really bad argument last night. I honestly dont even know how it happened, but i felt it coming. it all started when he suggested to pick me up, i had a bad feeling about it especially since we were planning on sleeping at his house. i dont like that feeling of being stuck. never had never will. Next time i will not let something like that happen. anyways so we go to dinner and hes had a busy day and i can tell his energy is weird but i figured he would chill out a bit once we got to dinner. which he kinda did, but there was this weirdness still. so we have dinner and are chatting about nonsense and i mentioned that wedding i went to and how i ran into my friend bryan who is also one of my bosses and how we got to chatting and hung out for a while and it was cool. it was cool because we never really had a chance to actually hang out and it was fun. then there was silence and i had moved on from there, and i asked him what he was thinking about cause he looked weird. he then said "i am thinking about how jealous i am of that story you just told me" i responded by, oh really? come on dont you feel secure with me? and thats when the shit hit the fan. he lost it about how i am moving and how could we be secure about anything and got this terrible tone in his voice and this look in his eye that made me sick. this has happened twice before but this time i wasnt fucking taking it. i straight up told him to not talk to me that like that and i dont deserve any of this shit due to his fucking insecurity. i was really proud of myself for standing up for myself, which oddly enough ive never done with dudes. it was empowering and great and i will not take any dudes shit again.

Ok so then we kinda figure that whole thing out about the voice and tone and he accepts that he was wrong and even starts to cry a bit. i hugged him and moved on. then i was thinking about it and realized if he is upset about me hanging out with my boss then what is he gonna do when im in LA? so i bring it up and it starts a whole other war. he kept asking me why i even told him that, etc etc. it was nasty and i was fucking pissed. he was kinda drunk and it sucked. we eventually made up kinda of. i didnt know what else to do but let it go until i had more time to think. we go to bed kiss a little and then pass out. the middle of the night we wake up and have sex, he fucking cums inside me and it automatically put me in a bad mood. its one thing to do that when im on my period, but fuck man fuck. i still think i am okay, but its scary and stupid. so i have a terrible sleep, i HATE his dog so fucking much. Makes the worst noises ive ever heard. so i wake up and hes trying to cuddle and i just go, umm can i go home? we get in the car and i dont say a peep. he drops me off and i give him a peck on the lips and tell him good luck on his drive and go in my house. as i shut the door i said im done. im fucking done.

As the day has gone on though i dont feel done. its so weird how fucking mad i was and how i hated him so much and somehow still want to see him. i dont know why. i know this shit isnt going to last at all. but i am still here for a few weeks and it would be nice to have someone help me move and have sex with. right? or am i an asshole? god i wish i knew. either way i know we will be done sooner than later. hes not the one for me at all.