i want you.

i want you sooo bad...

i found the mixtape r made me today, ive been listening to it and just remembering all the times we had together, all the good all the bad, everything. i was thinking about how if we got together what would our issues be, what would annoy me? would anything make me not want to be with him? the answer is it doesnt matter, i think he is my one, the one im supposed to be with. i know it for sure, with every ounce of my being i know that. ive known it for 4 years. the scarry part is he might not think that way. he might get freaked out and not do anything, and if that happens im done. i have to give up the ghost. i dont want to though, because we make sense. we go together like peanut butter and jelly. we just make sense, its all i can say. he totally read my email and hasnt responded, im going kinda crazy. i just want to know what hest hinking, and there is nothing i can do. i cant call him, or text him or write him i cant do anything. he needs to come to me when hes ready. its one of the hardest things i have to do. i know im in love with him, and have been forever. we are meant to be, and i wish it would just work quicker, but i know its not going to. this is going to take a long ass time, and it might not even work out. if it doesnt work out i am done forever with him. i am so vulnerable right now, its gross. i feel like my heart is out there on the line, and i am giving myself up, taking a leap taking a risk and saying if you want me you can have me. and there is the possibility he will not want me. i just hope hes serious..

i have been thinking a lot about moving back to philly if this whole thing pans out, and i think it would be quite nice. i would be so willing to live back there if i had love with him. i can see our perfect little life in some cute place in philly or ud, and hanging out with all our friends and being back part of that whole crew and being wanted and special to him. i can see us being all grossly in love and people just looking at us and saying yeah im glad that finally worked out, took long enough. i just want to try it out. lets just see please. fuck fuck fuck, if this is all some emotional bullshit im gonna be so pissed. luckily i will have a heart of stone..

youll never break this heart of stone..

get up stand up..stand up for your rights..

i did!!

i woke up this morning with this feeling of weirdness about my conversation last night with you know who..i kept thinking about how its all bullshit and how i dont want things with him right now, im nowhere near ready and that i lied about b to him. i wasnt honest, i said those things to appease him, and so i decided to write him an email and let him know the truths. i feel good about it. i really like this standing up for myself thing. i like being honest with people about my feelings and just being real. it works out so well. well in some situations it does,and some it doesnt. either way im real to me and them, so fuck it.

i also think i want to be brians girlfriend. i want to stop being so emotionally unavailable. i want to get deeper and have a more serious relationship with him and i want to tell him when he gets back.im ready to put myself out there a bit more with him. and thanks to r! it all made me realize how much i do like brian and how much i want to be special to someone and go with it for once. everything for a reason right?

if you cant be with the one you love honey love the one your with..

so tonight i was in a weird position. i knew that if i called this old friend of mine, old feelings would arise and i would feel weird about my current relationship, which i have been kinda jazzed on the past few days..so i decided to tell him that i couldnt talk, oddly enough we ended up ichatting for 3 hours. in those 3 hours we discussed it all, and he pretty much told me that if i lived there we would be dating, and its what he wants to do. can you fucking believe it? after 4 years he finally decides to tell me this, but yes there is a but..this is after i told him i was dating someone else. this bothered him beyond belief and he openly told me so. it was all laid out on the table tonight. i said sentences like i think even if both of us married people, 10 years later you would still be on my mind..him discussing how he sees us at communion parties, me saying how i see us at his parents house watching football and eating wings. we are way compatible there is no question there at all. where is the problem in this you may be thinking? well the problem is that i know its all bullshit, tonight i realized all of it is bullshit..he wants me now because he cant have me, but if he could have me he would freak out. he said if he had the chance to make out with me, he knows it wouldnt just end there, and i agree in many ways, but dont as well. he said that there really is only two ways around this, 1-stop talking, 2-taking the leap and start dating. neither of us are ready for either, so we are still in limbo. i thought i was ready for him, i thought at any minute if he asked me to date him i would jump for joy and do so, but tonight i realized i was wrong. tonight i realized how much i actually do like brian.

he asked me all about brian and i kept blowing it off saying it was nothing, and it was just something to keep me busy, yada yada, but when i was done talking to him i realized that was all a lie. none of that was true, i was saying it because its what i do with him. we both fully bullshit each other to the point of craziness. i knew this would happen tonight since he had such an emotional day. im his go to girl, his girl who he has deep emotional connections to, the girl who is 3000 miles away and has no chance of ruining his perfect little life out there. i put it out on the table, but none of it is really true. i mean dont get me wrong if i decided to move home i would love to try it out with him, but its not happening. we both have this idea in our heads of how it was, the magic that we felt 4 years ago. who knows what it would be like today. who knows if it would really work. all i know is i gotta live for the now, and today and love the one im with. he is a good guy, and i see how we can grow closer, and all those little things that i hate about him are just me being scared, and me being mean to him is my defense mechanism to see if he really likes me enough, its like can i torture him enough to leave, or is he gonna stick it out? its a fucked up game i play, and at least i realize it. the other boy asked me tonight if im obsessed with new guy, and i lied and said no. but i totally am. he is all i think about, every time my phone beeps i wish it was him, im counting down the days till sunday when i see him again. i just want to be in his presence, i dont even care what we do. im really starting to fall for him i think. and conversations like today oddly make that stronger, where as i thought it would make it worse.

glad i was wrong.

rock the boat, dont rock the boat baby..

why cant i just be pleased with my life the way it is? i feel like im constantly thinking of reasons why i do or dont like him...its silly to the max seriously. each day that goes by all day i think of both reasons, its like im obsessed to figure out how i feel. i seriously change back and fourth all day between liking and not liking him. i have great reasons for both too, both options make total and utter sense to me. i really enjoy having someone to spend time with and keep me busy and to have sex with a lot. those parts are fun to me, but all the rest is eh! haha man i guess it sounds like im using him in a way, but im not, i do enjoy him and his company, but i guess the thing is i just dont see it working out in the long run at all. and yet again i dont know why im wasting my time then. so unlike me to do, once i realize that fact im outta there..not this time oddly enough. i wish my brain would just stop rockin the boat so i could just enjoy this time however long it turns out to be. i guess when the time is right to end things i will.

wait a second is it groundhog day because i feel like maybe i already wrote about this..sorrrrryyyyy

you gotta roll with it...

you gotta take your time, you gotta say what ya say dont let anybody get in your way..

so ive always been a talker, and someone who feels the need to express their ideas and thoughts, and sometimes this turns out bad and sometimes it turns out good..this week it was both. with my friend laura it was bad, because she isnt willing to hear anything bad about herself, and with brian it was bad in the beginning, but good in the long run. all week i was stressing on the words he said and the vibes i felt, so i took a few days to not respond to him, and then finally when he came home, i decided to go meet up with him and grab a drink, which we didnt actually do. we sat there at the slot machines and just talked for a while about his week and my week and the whole time i was a bit cold to him, i didnt know when the right time was to broach the subject so finally there was a point where i semi brought it up and i stared it so childish i made an off handed comment about how hes mean, and he was so confused and asked what i meant then i was all like well your words are mean, and they hurt my feelings and he was still not following, so i told him. i explained myself and my side of things and the things that i needed and wanted in a relationship and he totally listened to me and tried to explain his side too. i mentioned us maybe moving too fast too furious and he disagreed, he said when you like someone there is no too fast, but i dont really get that because i think there is, and he was the one who said that earlier..so that was weird..oh i also said things like oh your selfish and an only child and he went yeah and that hasnt really worked out for me this far has it? and then said that at this age we are too old to just be fucking people anymore, so obviously he likes me, blah blah..then he invited me over his house! he was like my mom really is excited to meet you and i want you to come over and see the place so i did go over and it was awesome. we hung out in his space and i got to be involved. sadly i had to leave and not sleep over, but i went back today to hang out with him and his family it was cool. we just all did our own things, i sat with his mom outside for a while, while he did other things then me him and his mom went on a walk to the beach then chilled back at the house and made dinner. it was comfortable too, like ive known them forever too. i then realized that my other two relationships thats exactly what i did too, i always hung out with their families and got to know them really well, so maybe its just how it should be.

overall i feel good about it. im still unsure about how much im into him for the long run, but for right now its great. its what i need. he really stepped it up tho, i feel like he really listened to what i said and took it to heart and decided to change. ohhh one big thing he said was that he never had a girl who stood up for herself, and he always really wanted one to, and he was glad that i did. i feel like this was a turning point in our relationship, i feel like we took it up a notch. i can just feel it, we are more serious about each other or something. which is way cool, like i said im not sure if its gonna be forever or anything, but it works right now, and im gonna roll with it.

feeling oddly well about all this..

so i did it i had the talk with him. it didnt go so well to be honest. some key points: he wasnt really ready for a real relationship; he admitted out of nowhere that he is selfish and an only child who always can do whatever they fuck they want, so its hard for him to know how to do anything else; (ie if he thinks like that for real, he will be lonely forever) he never had enough time between relationships, so he doesnt really feel closure from the last girl, who still texts him pretty often; when me saying, well if you liked me enough you would make more time for me, and he didnt disagree; he actually thinks we are going to hang out on saturday, actually he thinks that "if im drunk at the party you'll pick me up, right sweetie?" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????

what is wrong with this dude? my idea is that he is clueless and never has had to deal with a woman who needs him to act like a fucking man and treat a lady with respect and love. the good thing about all of this is that i said what i had to say, so i feel a million times better. also that i stood up for myself and told him i want and need more. the next time he calls and trys to act all cool, im going to let him know that we both want different things, and that im not into some fling. i think hes gonna be like ok cool, peace out...and im a little scared to lose him a bit, but im more scared to be miserable over a dude again. i know what i want and need and will not settle for anything less. i will totally give him a chance if he steps up his game, otherwise, peace yo. im just glad i didnt share too too much with him.

the whole conversation was odd, it was like he never had a serious talk with a girl before, he kept talking in circles, and tried to hang up a few times, because he didnt know what to say. he wasnt ready to talk or calculated to talk or something. fuck this shit ive spent enough of my life talking about this this week, im over it. goodnight.

annie are you okay? are you okay annie?

umm nope.

well kind of actually, i think i figured out my issues. i always always always let other people be ahead of me and i put myself last in most situations especially when it comes to men, and im doing it again and my body and brain arent letting me. brian came in here and took over my life, he comes in and takes my side of the bed, puts his beer in my fridge, brings over his own chocolate syrup and milk for his eggs because its how he likes things. none of this has anything to do with me. im a chill person and i think that gets taken advantage of, and im so sick of it. i need to have things my way too. there needs to be a balance and we dont have it. its all him all up in my shit, but i know nothing about his shit. he only tells me stories about drugs and shit, while i try to tell him real shit about life. ya know im actually sick of talking about this, i just need to talk to him about it. he needs to woo me too, im a woman who deserves to be chased and treated like a queen, ive held myself back away from men for years because of all this shit and now here i am doing it again and it aint cool. part of me wants to talk to him tonight about it all before he goes away so he has time to think about it, but then the other part of me doesnt want to yet, because im scared i guess. fuck it i need to talk to him tonight. i just need to let him know that all of this is moving quickly which is awesome, but a little too quickly and its become routine and it should be super exciting, we should be doing things and going out on dates and wanting to hang out way more than we actually do, not just hang out at my house and have sex and sleep kind of. i also need to tell him that i feel like im giving up so much of myself and my life for him, but not really getting too much in return.


omg i just called him and my heart was pounding! i was so scared i didnt even wait for voicemail! god im such a pussy! i felt like it was time to call and let this shit out, but when i did i got so scared soooo scared im kind of shaking actually about it all. why do i feel like my feelings dont count as much or something? this should be the most important thing to me, and i should feel like a strong independent woman! because i am! i always envy those girls on tv who say shit and walk out, they make a stand and if the dude wants them they chase them, im always just the fucking doormat. well i guess tonight will be the night if he calls me back! if not his loss i suppose.

baby im a lost cause..

man i really woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, or really fell asleep in the wrong mood. im starting to really think that things arent working between me and brian. i dont think he really likes me, and hasnt this whole time, so thats why i really never felt like i could get into this relationship. he doesnt do anything to make me feel special at all, doesnt tell me im pretty, i think hes said it once. im pretty sure this is just one of those situations where sex is being confused for feelings. i need someone to take me out and do things, and not just hang out with me at night time and fuck. this whole time i thought it was me with too many walls and shit, but really its because of him and his walls. i havent seen his house, weve been on one date, gone to one show and out to brunch once. and its been a month. what the fuckkk. im just glad that i figured it out. he also was making me sacrifice too much, like my side of the bed and sharing food..these are things im not willing to give up, its kinda like he came into my world and stuck his claim all over the place, but isnt giving me anything for it besides sex. the one thing i dont know is how to go about ending this. what do i do? what do i say? why am i so scared? is it because im so used to be treated like shit that i expect this? did i bring this on myself? i know i deserve and need more than this, why cant i just ask? is it because i feel like its not possible to get from him? or do i feel like its not possible to get from anyone? why cant i just have a guy who fucking showers me with love and emotion? who actually really likes me for me and wants to know everything about me? who wants to learn about me and my life and actually seems like they care! i want someone to tell me their stories too and not just drug ones. i want that deeper understanding, ive realized that the last few guys its been the same problem, i hit a wall and them im done.

i guess i hit my wall..

fuck

communication breakdown

its always the same..

its so wild how much just talking about something with someone can really change your attitude and vibes around that person. i totally feel back "in serious like" as i like to call it. there is no way im in love yet, its impossible, but i am way in like. its kinda wild how much my mind can take over and make me feel weird, i need to get a handle on that shit. it can ruin my life if i let it, and sometimes i totally let it. i just dont want to feel needy for anyone, ya know? i want to still live my life, but share it with him too. i do really enjoy my time with him, esp since we actually went out on a date and were in public and such. it felt real, unlike just hanging out at my house. i really want to hang out with him tonight too, but i feel like we arent going to, and maybe we shouldnt, but i just had such a good time last night i want it again. i want to just hang out with him all the time, but i know i cant and 100% should not do that. it would be super unhealthy to do.

im bored hense why im writting this blog, i feel like i dont have much to say, but i just want to do something. i took a nap for 3 hours today, so fucking wild. i guess i was super tired, i feel like thats why he wont want to hang out, we never sleep right when we hang out, and if hes tired hes not gonna wanna chill. woah i just got a weird taste in my mouth for picas pizza, which is odd since i never really liked their pizza that much, but i do love their chicken parm sandwiches! ok well i guess i should eat dinner or something. peace.