we keep on playing those mind games..

together..

or alone either way its all a mind fuck. i went to bed last night at 1030, then woke up at 2 and was up till 4 in those 2 hours i thought so fucking much. i thought about my future, my house in philly, my job in philly, what i need to do out here to get those things. i also thought about my quality of life, and what i wanted and i realized that i used to always look at people from delco, who marry their high school sweetie and live in the burbs as people who arent living life or enjoying it fully. i felt like those people were missing out, but then i realized im missing out. i want their lives. i want to live in the burbs with my honey from the burbs and have huge family parties and holidays. its all i want actually. i couldnt help but think of what life with would be like with r. we have the same friend group, so growing up with friends would be amazing. there would be no weirdness, or need for girls to like each other, or vice versa. it would be so smooth. then i started to think about how we never dated and what that would be like and i actually saw it working out just fine. we would just hang out a lot and go out with our friends and have fun, play games, etc. i really really want that life. how the fuck do i get it? patience? endurance? love? faith? i suppose all of these things actually. i feel it deep in my bones thats the life i will have one day. i am making it happen somehow. i guess he needs to get on board, but isnt he already? didnt he tell me these things in the summer time? does he still think them? i also realized that nobody or nothing can take away what we shared. that day i left philly and we sat in our cars and waved at each other crying, that happened. it was real. he has a memory of that wether or not he chooses to recall it is a different story, but i know he does. i bet he secretly listens to my cd and trys to figure it out, and lays in his bed and sees me laying in it. its impossible not to! i also re-listened to that cd i sent him and boy o boy if he dissects that thing im in trouble. the second song is who loves the sun, and it says stuff about broken hearts, then london dungeon by the misfits is on there, "aint no mystery, why im in misery, in hell, heres hoping your swell" hahahaah too funny. oh well. i thought about writing him to tell him not to dig too deep, but fuck it. let him thinks what he wants.

its all up to the universe now...so hey universe, can you let me fish my wish please?