Existential Craziness....

SO I started a new blog called "existential craziness" which came from a conversation with my friend Tibora about my life. She commented that it would be a good band name, I thought a great movie, or book title. Instead I decided to use it for a blog title. That is over at my website, www.melissaculbertson.com and I wanted to write in that tonight, but decided this be a bit more personal. I have decided recently that since I am not working a proper schedule, that its time to start working on myself and my passions. I am going to write and do art, whatever on the daily. Its time to step up to the plate and knock this ball out of the park. The sad part is that I did step up to the plate today and totally failed. I realized that I have no idea what I am doing and questioned all i know about myself and my talents. I have yet again fallen to my negative, degrading side of myself. I have to realize that this is a big step and I need to go through a few rounds before I can be good or even produce anything that anyone will want to read. The main problem is that I have a lot of ideas and stories. I see them all so much, so full, so perfect, but when I sit down to write I am blank. I decided that I have to just do it, and keep doing it over and over again until I am producing quality. I have never been trained, nor had any writing classes. I think it would be helpful to take a summer class for creative writing and learn some skills. Its just about doing now and not sitting around talking about a bunch of bullshit that I am not doing anything about. Shit I am even kind of doing that right now, but yet not. Its all so confusing and weird, thinking about my future and money and happiness. I never really thought I would be truly be happy in my life, and I now know that I can be. I know that I am meant for something great, and its time to choose and do. It has been a statement I have made several times for several years, but its do or die. I am going to perish if I dont start doing something and making a name for myself. All I really have to do is write every single day. Its that simple. But yet so fucking hard to do. What do I write about? How do I speak to? How do I format? What is even interesting to anyone, or even myself? I go about my days, but never really think about it. I am in the moment and the moment passes and I move onto a new moment. Anything really cool, I share a bit but then let it go. Its like I have been trained to think I am uninteresting and uncool. When I have been told several times by other people that is untrue. I need to believe it myself to have anything I produce be great. I need to back it, I need to back myself really. Its about trusting myself and just being me. Today I had a job interview and I honestly didn't care either way if I got the job or not. I was honest, open, communicative, intrigued and most of all ME! I felt so good when I left that interview because I knew I didn't lie, nor diss myself at all. I said what I truly believed and felt. I wasn't comprised what so ever and it felt good. I need to take that with me and continue on my journey. I am now telling myself and you if your reading this that nothing happens over night. I am starting with this week. I can write every day for 7 days. Just like I did with my diet. I just went week by week and before I knew it I was 10 pounds lighter. The same will happen with this. Before I know it I will be more confident in my writing and finding a bunch of cool stuff to write about, because I will be looking and listening. It always goes back to the basics. Always.

I am love

So I just spend the last night with Tyler in Santa Monica and it was incredible. I had such an amazing time with him. Its been weird over the past few times its been different, its like I finally let him love me. I let it happen, and it is glorious! I cant believe all this time has gone by and I never really let anyone in this way. We are so free, we are so one when we are together. We go to a magically place with one another and have such an amazing experience. We were playing for 7 hours yesterday and got room service, we never left the room till it was time to go home. This is the type of love affair you read about in books, its so intense. We have these really amazing conversations that are deep and insightful. He always has my back and truly loves me for who I am. He accepts my craziness fully and understands me. Sometimes I wonder why I am not married to this guy. He is pretty much perfect for me. But there are many things that bother me about him, but I wonder sometimes if they would melt away if we were in a serious relationship. I honestly dont think I can be in a relationship with him, because I am looking for someone else. I feel like there is someone else out there for me somewhere. Someone who is more artistic and creative, but I am learning to see how much Tyler is artist and really is a lot deeper than I first thought. I assumed him to be plain jane and such a normal dude, but he really isnt. I also never really thought of him as street smart or anything like that, but yet again I was wrong. There is nothing really wrong with him besides his anal retentiveness, but its not even that bad anymore. I can over look those things when I am with him. Its weird though, when i am with him sometimes I wonder how the fuck I will get through, but I just think its maybe a bit awkward when we see each other for a while until we get comfy again. If we were to live together or something all that would go away.

I did say to him that some part of me wished I could just move in with him and get pregnant and just be, I do wish I could, but I cant. I would be so unhappy there, unless I really tried it here and hated it. But I dont see that happening. I think its just feeling this way because I just moved, and all things are so new right now and confusing. I am just going to keep going day by day and feeling how I feel till I dont feel like that anymore. Thats all you can ever do anyways, right? Even if your married, you just go till you dont love them anymore, then you get divorced. I think I am going to be fine.

He is fucking hot too.
xo

you are such a loser

is all that keeps going through my head tonight. i want to make all these changes in my life and i plan on them over and over again, but doing them is so much harder. i wanted to stay in tonight to just be alone and be with myself, but all ive done is watch tv. its exactly what i shouldnt be doing. i should be reading or meditating while i have the alone time, or something like that but i am not. i am laying in bed high watching gossip girl and 30 rock. i could do that any night of the week. i am still trying so hard to run from myself. the good thing is, the only good thing is that i see this. i recognize me doing it. this means a lot. this means i am aware and really headed towards the change. this happened to me after ciggs and coke. its now naturally happening over weed. its so crazy to think of me not smoking weed. its been such a big part of me, my life. its been with me for the whole 11 or so years i have spent with it. it has been my crutch and my strength, my advice, my love my cure for boredom, my escape my wisdom my awareness my awkwardness my laziness my creativity i could go on and on and on, but there is no point. weed has been good and bad to me through the years, but right now it seems to be really bad to me. its so demotivating, and sucks me into a bad habit and place. it makes me eat junk food at 11 pm and gain weight which makes me feel bad so i eat more and its a bad cycle, its a cycle i am killing. the worst part is losing tyler. without weed i think tyler and i can not exist. we are based on weed. we smoke and it lets us get to our zone, it rarely can happen without it. but hey it might be good for us. but he and weed and sex are the reason i smoked tonight. cause i know i am going to see him on sunday and smoke so why not just make monday the day i start? its the beginning of the week, it makes the most sense. yes it does. but its also a fucking EXCUSE! all i do is give excuses for every fucking little thing. its terrible and its running my life in such a negative direction. but i am vowing to myself that monday is the new day. monday is the day of change. monday it means working out, meditating, and actively looking for a job. going out more, sitting online at a coffee shop instead of sitting in the house. it means putting my face out there, meeting people creating a life here. monday is the day. i will be 33 in 12 days from monday, its like the 12 days of christmas, its a countdown to the best day. its giving me gifts and making me uber aware and ready to go into my 33rd year clear minded and hopefully with a job that is paying me something decent to depend on.

33 is my year!