dollars and sense...

I decided to listen to some old music, that a friend of mine sent me on facebook. The Army of the Red Museum. This band was my ex boyfriends band, and I knew he wrote a song for me that I thought was on the cds, so I listened to most of them looking for it, but instead I found another one that I totally recognized but when I listened to the lyrics I quickly realized that it wasn't the song, but it was this other sad song, with lyrics such as "oh how I wish you could be with me today" was this song written after our break up? I don't even remember when we broke up to be honest. Its kind of sad how much I have forgotten about my past. I seriously feel like it was another life, someone else 's life. I lived almost 32 years of life so far and I can barely remember last week. What the fuck have I been doing with all my time? Where has it all gone? Where is my money? What the fuck am I doing? I need to fucking get it together. I need to whip my ass in shape, physically, mentally, and spiritually. This shit needs to end. I cant keep going on every day doing nothing with myself. The past few weeks, I've spent my nights watching tv. I haven't even wanted to. Its no longer as enjoyable as it used to be. I find that I just do it out of habit. Its like I don't even know what to do with myself if I wasn't sitting in front of the television. I know I should have done some art, or even meditated or anything but sit there blank and silent. Watching other people live their lives, while I waste away here alone. Fuck fuck fuck that. I am taking control of my life again. I can't do this shit anymore. Its not cool. I am not cool, and I am not going anywhere living like this. At this speed I will be here forever, alone and lonely and fat and ugly and unhappy. I can't let that happen.

I have some options coming my way to help this process move a lot quicker, but at a high price. If things went wrong, they would go really wrong. I decided I can't do that. I can't take the easy way out. I need to prove to myself that I can live in a budget, and work a job and make money and save and live by my means. I think its my last hurdle. I think thats why I haven't found the place or the job I've been looking for. It hasn't come to me yet, because I am not ready for all that. I haven't paid rent yet for November, if I lived in LA right now, Id be getting evicted. I am lucky enough to live with my dad being my landlord. I am granted the opportunity to learn and go through these hurdles in life in a sacred place that will allow me to fall and comfort me to get up and fight through it. This is my last hurdle, I know it. Money is the key to independence and independence is all I ever strive for, but I've never beaten out money in that fight. I plan to as of now. I have gotten over drugs, alcohol, self disrespect, lack of confidence and everything else in between. Money and controlling it has never entered the race to be beaten, well money I fucking call your ass out. Lets do this shit. Bring your best foot forward its time to rumble. You can coheres me with your allure of fun and excitement, but really all it is is putting me back. I make 10 steps every time I get excited to move, and look at apartments and jobs, but then you come crawling in to fuck it up when I get lonely and upset. I feel the need to go out and play, and eat meals with people to stay connected. Which is great, but it needs to end. I can hang out with people doing free things. No more restaurant meals, and excess for Melissa. Its time to hunker down and save save save for my future future future. It can be good, I do see good things for myself in the future but I need to get it together. (and see what's happening)

But for now I will just leave you with this little ditty..

woe is me..

I feel crazy as fuck lately. I am so annoyed with myself. I was so hyped up and pumped for moving and for this new potential of love that could have been coming my way, and now I am back to old lazy me who wastes away. I have been drinking, fucking, smoking weed, smoking cigs, I am a hot fucking mess and a half. What happened to me? Why does this shit always happen? I feel like I have all these great ideas, ideals, goals, etc and then I always go against them at some point. I can't even keep myself on a proper eating schedule. I was asking myself if it was because of where I live, and it allows me to stay in this perpetual state of nothingness or if its just me. I think its both honestly. I think I have a tendency to be lazy and lay on my couch all day long and not do anything but watch tv and smoke weed, but I also think its because of where I live. I live 20 minutes from anything at all. I have to drive to do something. It would be way different if I lived in a city where I could run out on the street and go to the gym, or get some food, or even walk my dog. I think living in a place like this is for married people. Or at least someone in a relationship.

Which speaking of, is never gonna happen for me if I keep just fucking people. I know this to be true, I promise I do, but sometimes I don't give a fuck. I just wanna make out or get laid, but the funny thing is its never good. Never. Its always so empty and filled with nothingness. I feel like shit and empty afterwards, every single time. But I keep going back for more. Its like I'm punishing myself over and over again. Do I think I am not worth more? Why am I so scared of a real relationship? I sometimes wonder if I do or if I just haven't met one single person worth it. Can that even be possible? Have I just had the worst luck over the past 6 years? I have yet to meet a man thats dateable? It seems highly unlikely. It seems like I am the one who is undatable. FUCK! I am going to be 32 very soon, and I never have had a real relationship. What does that say about me? This is starting to be depressing. Dominic was my only real relationship, but that wasn't even real, real. I was 16, clueless and he was more like a parent who helped me out more than anything. How am I ever gonna let someone in enough to be my boyfriend? How is that even going to happen? I seriously can not imagine it. Does it just happen? Will it just be natural and all these weird things about myself will just melt away? I sure hope so.

I think I have been drinking and all this shit because I am processing. I am making a really huge move, and a huge change. It is coming to me, and I honestly don't know how to act or feel. This is huge, huge, huge, humungous! This place I live right now, may suck and I don't like how I feel but its home. Its the first home I've had where I felt safe and like it was all mine. It feels like home in this house. Its all me, and has been and always will be. Nowhere else has had this feeling. Its always been with someone else, or roommates, or whatever, never just mine. Its safe, its my cocoon. I've learned and grown here, and really come into myself here. When I leave I am leaving a lot behind here. I am scared. I am scared to get a real job, and work full time and be broke and live a shitty life. But I am scared to keep living this life as well. This isn't getting me anywhere, I am drowning. There is no security, there is no guarantee of money to come my way. I have a lot of money in products right now, but literally have 27 dollars to my name. I have yet to pay rent, or any of my bills. This always happens to me, I can't blame the industry as much as I should blame myself. I get money, but I spend money too. I am broke because I bought a plane ticket to go home for christmas for 555 dollars. I could not be here for christmas again, I just couldn't mentally handle it. I knew I would lose my mind if I had to spend a Fifth christmas in this place. I cried so much last year, I hate it here, especially during the holidays. I want to be home with my family and friends.

Thats the other thing I am trying to figure out. I want to move to New York City. It makes the most sense, but I am fucking scared. Its a scary city to live in, a lot of crime and mean ass people. I hear of bad shit happening all the time there. So then I think of LA and it seems nicer and prettier and warmer and happier in many ways. But I am still 3000 miles away from home. The flip side is, its cheaper to fly to Philly from LA. I could go home more often, probably for as much as my train ticket would cost from NY. There is the shadow of Nikole though. I don't know if I can deal with living like that. Under her thumb per se. I had thoughts the other day of how this is all in my head and how I can choose not to be under her. How I can live my own life, and make my own friends and not fall into her trap. In reality thats silly and isnt going to happen. I will end up spending most of my time with her, but why does that bother me? She is one of my best friends and has known me forever. HA! Maybe thats why. Maybe I don't want the old me to be known. I am the new me and I want her to shine, and not be held back by my old ways.

fuck.

upcoming challenges of mc

so i decided that today i was going to start everything, do it all. i do this all the time and it never works out. i have such high hopes for myself and i have these big plans and expectations on me, and then i fail and get bummed out and depressed. i decided that i am not going to do that anymore. i am going to take one day at a time, do what i can that day and thats it. if i work towards my goal everyday than i am doing something. i used to think i was supposed to find a job soon and move to new york before the new year, but now i am giving myself some more time. i need to save money, i need to pay some bills off and clean this house up, get it together, throw the piles of shit away. so much stuff to do, and i need to get prepared mentally and emotionally. this shit is gonna be hard to do. no matter how much i want to move and get out of here, no matter how bad i hate it, i need to take time and do it right. when i moved here from philly we decided in august to move, and picked november 1st to do it. we gave ourselves 2-3 months, and thats what i am going to do too. i am going to tell myself i am moving in march with or without a job. march is when i am out of here. the east coast is a lot nicer, winter is pretty much over, but not really and spring will quickly be coming. meanwhile humboldt will be raining still and miserable. i think march works because ill be home for xmas in 6 weeks then it will only be like 8 more weeks till march, i think i can do it. scratch that, i know i can do it. it gives me serious time to save up and have a nice cushion for moving. i dont want to move somewhere and be broke as fuck when i get there. its already going to be hard enough moving to new york where everything is so fucking expensive. march also allows more time to spend with my family here and friends and really enjoy them and also to maybe find opportunities with people or places. if i am putting my energy out that i am moving, and looking for jobs then they will come to me at some point. patience is my practice now. which i am really not good at at all, i always want things now! i think its because i am so phase oriented that if things take too long than i get over them and move onto the next thing. i need to stay focused and motivated and that will be a challenge for sure. 4 months is a long time, but not even really. a lot can happen in 4 months, but as long as i keep my eye on the prize of moving out of here i will be ok. i will move from humboldt and join the rest of society. i need to stop being so negative about how this place makes me feel dead. its true, but its not helping at all. i need to also not talk to people about moving and make it more like i want to look for new oppurtunites or something like that. if i keep up on my blog, and art and just keep doing what i like to do, i will be ok. the lazy, stoner part is the hardest to get rid of. i feel like i am stuck in this weird vortex where everyday there is another reason to stay home and smoke weed and do nothing. i am done with all that shit. i want to be busy and productive! i know i know, i am the only one in control of that, and i am making an effort to be that person. changing yourself is not an easy task, but its one ive taken on for over 6 years now and its quite a fucking feat.

back to the old house..

so im back in california now and wow do i live a double life. its so fucked up how it feels to me all the time. i go away a lot from this place, and i hate it here so much sometimes, and then other times i love it. its like i get so wrapped up in living here, i forget how much i need to move. the push is on though, ive been really talking and wanting to move for a while, but it feels like the last month has really shown me i need to get the fuck outta here. i also really need to pick a job to start looking for, or a company and some sort of job in that company. its time to be more decisive. im so fucking wishy washy all the time and never make decisions, because im always thinking there is something better out there for me. theres not, and if there is i will find it but i need to decide and move on. ive been practicing with this new theory the past few days and its wonderful. i bought a pair of boots, they were awesome i really liked them and i did it. sucks they hurt my feet, but im sure they will stretch out sooner than later. i was all confused about judging this dancing contest, i wanted to, but didnt. so i didnt. i had work today but had the opportunity to say no, so i did. which in retrospect is stupid for my finances, but good for my body. i decided also that its time to stop just working because i want the money, i need to listen to my body and go with that. i have suffered so much through work, it hurts every time and its never gonna make me better. i keep re-injuring myself every time i sit down to work. its time to pick and choose and save save save. i will never leave here if i dont save money. i spend like a motherfucker and just try to live this glamourous lifestyle, but its actually holding me back now. the sparkle is gone, there is no need to be so sparkley here, when if i save and be disciplined i can move and be a lot happier and live a good life somewhere else. New York is where I think I wanna go. i never thought i would want to move there in a million years, but i love it. i loved being in that city so much, it felt so right, so at home. its so where im meant to go. its close enough to philly that i can go home when i want and see my family but yet still be far enough away that i can live my own life. so i just need to pick a job that i can see myself doing. i never put enough energy into one thing to make it work out for me. i was talking to my stepmom last night and she said that i dont put energy into anything because anything i have has backfired on me and hurt me, so why would i bother? if i just put a little bit in at a time i can pull back whenever i want, i never get hurt. but i also never try hard enough. it is time for all of this to change, in every aspect of my life. essentially im a slacker, i give everything a half ass try and give up so easy, those days are over. its just time to be dedicated to me and my future, i will give the energy to myself bettering myself.

some hard times fell upon me while i was in ny, with the whole thing with that dude. it was horrible, i felt like i was at the end of my rope with dudes. like what the fuck, why does this shit keep happening me to? oh because the only energy i put out there is to attract dudes to fuck, or make out with. not dudes to start a life with. and ive had to take the morning after pill seriously like 4 or 5 times in the past year it feels like. that shit is not good. i hate that i had to take that pill again, and never again do i want to. i thought last time i took it it was over, but i was wrong. i did my pimpin, i did my playing, i did my heartbreaking, im done. i want a relationship. but not one that im desperate looking for one, thats silly. one that comes to me in a nice way and i accept it. im not gonna look for a dude. im not gonna put a bunch of weight on one that i meet that i think is the one. its stupid and childish and im almost 32 and i need a real man, a man who will love me and comfort me hang out with me fuck me kiss me hold my hand cuddle with me. i want it all.

i dont give a damn about my bad reputation..

except i really do. i mean dont get me wrong i try not to care about little stuff, or petty bullshit about people not liking me or having some beef over something silly. all that stuff goes through me and over me, i dont hold onto it. but today i had two instances where i was really disrespected and i kind of laid down and took it and after wards realized how fucked up it was. i dont even want to talk about anymore, cause im kind of over that. hes a douche and i am over it. but the second thing is a little worse it totally has to do with my career and it sucks. i wrote a blog for my work and when it got published, the editor published it with all the edits on it, and made me look incompetent and stupid and i am defiantly the butt of everyones jokes. and now i have to talk to him on the radio and call him out. i need to be strong and ready to talk to him about all this shit. he really disrespected me by doing this, and i didn trealize it at first. i was told about it in such a way that it was funny and i went along with it, i guess cause i was in shock, and didnt know what to do but to take the high road and go with the flow, but then i realized it was just mean and really made me look bad. like super bad . so we are having it out on the air today, which i also think is kind of bullshit because it exposes it more and brings more attention to it, but i need to suck it up and stand up for myself and my career and life in general.

one good thing is that i had a real realization last night. i need to choose something to do for a career and go with it. i have always been so confused about what direction i want to go in and i never decide, or just get it. i do it with boots and boys all the time. i seriously havent bought boots in years because i think there is a better one out there, same with dudes, if a guy is right, but not fully right i think there is something better out there. what am i waiting for? its not all just gonna come to me. i need to be more decisive and just pick something and go wtih it. give it my all and go for it, and if it doesnt work out then find something else, but its time to choose a path. some would say i have chosen radio, but i dont really like being on air per se. its not really my thing at all. its too fake and weird. then i think well i need to get over that too, i need to embrace everything and just do it. i have been telling msyelf that for years now, just do it. and i think its time to take my own advice. i need to move and i need to find a job and just do it. its time. its time to stop playing these games and move on and move out.

fuck! i need a job!

common people..

last night i did a little internet stalking of my new love interest, now let me start by saying, i realize people do this because they like someone and they want to look at them and find out everything they can about a person to keep them at bay before their next encounter. but in this situation i found a little too much information, since his father and him share the same name. and boy oh fucking boy i wish i didnt know the stuff i know. i know way too much and it kind of ruins it for me. i dont want to know how much money this dude has, i dont want to know about class and society and have to worry about my clothes looking too cheap, or my car being a hot mess. i want to be myself, so yes the answer is be myself, and if he doesnt like me because of these things, fuck him. yes i am aware of this. but fuck man, fuck.

saturday i got all dolled up for this wedding. i missed the first few shuttles, i showed up to the marriott to catch one and derek had already left, so i assumed i would be alone for this adventure which i wasnt too happy about. i remember driving there thinking jesus, here we go again another situation where i am showing up alone, and having to do things alone and really wanting not to. so luckily a good friend johnny is there and i feel safe and comfortable. we all get on the shuttle together and start driving up. there are so many people i dont know but i am trying to just be cool and go with the flow. then all of a sudden this dude introduces himself to me and we ask each other what we do, and i tell him i am a radio dj and he tells me he has a label and i ask the name and he says ohlala and i go oh thats sweet is it because of the faces song? and he tells me he is impressed, but its not from the song, blah blah so we seriously chat it up the whole way to this wedding and talk about music mostly but then about california and weed and then we arrive at the wedding. which was just bananas. small finger foods everywhere, mini cheeseburgers, grilled cheeses, tacos, but mini and so cute mixed with small drinks like mini coke bottles, that were rum and coke with a mini straw, so adorable. oh yeah mini spaghetti and meatballs it was lovely. i decided to drink a bit too, but thats a whole other blog. the night goes on and we go to our tables at the main event, and i am at the same table with the boy! so im siked. we have a nice little cocktail hour with music and stuff, and here and there me and the boy talk or flirt and then go about our business. finally we get together for the fireworks and we go sit down by the river and watch the fireworks and it was so romantic, and then right afterwards he kisses me and just by his kiss i could tell it was gonna be awesome. so then we were pretty much attached at the hip, we went everywhere together, and hung out. there were couches and we went to one and made out hard, like kissed so much and just were together. it was so nice and easy and comfy and nice. i felt semi embarrassed because i dont usually act like that at all, but i couldnt help myself. it was so hot, he would be so nice to me, and say these really amazing things compliment me and treat me like a lady, but then would be whispering in my ear about how he wants to fuck me or lick my pussy or have me cum all over him. it was fucking sexy and i liked it a lot. we really are quite compatible in that realm. its nice and way fucking hot.

when we were getting ready to leave, kole was like dont fuck him, do not fuck him and kept going on about it. i was like whatever its one night, i want to have sex im going to fuck him. i am single and can bang and she was like okay cool i was just making sure that if you liked him not to fuck him. i totally thought about it while she was talking and was like yeah right i am so fucking this dude no matter what. then she was like oh cool go for it. so we leave and i had to drive derek to manayunk, and i was bummed i couldnt believe that derek wouldnt let me go bang of all people! so we drive him to his friends house and then i go back to this dudes house with him. it is his parents house and boy oh boy was i in for it. a fucking whole huge mansion. it was nuts. but i didnt get the whole tour or nothing, just up to his wing of the house. it was fucking on the second we got in his room. we were up for like 4 hours fucking and kissing and laying around then finally went to sleep. i woke up and kind of thought he wasnt into me anymore for some reason and got really nervous. then we cuddled and he played with my clit a bit, which the night before was quite the challenge for him, so that ruled. then we had some pretty amazing sex and laid around. the weird part was he was preparing me to meet his mother, which was gonna be weird, but i was like well whatever ill get over it, but luckily she had left to go horseback riding, so we had some time but not too much. i left and when i did he was like keep in touch, and i was like you too! so then i left my earrings there, which werent mine, they were nikoles and i had to text him. now mind you at this point i was still eh, but drunk in love, but i guess i had my wall up and didnt want to like him. hes 26, he lives in new york, and i live in california, how on earth would this ever work out? but then i started to catch feelings, while home in the shower and driving, it was sinking in that i wanted to hang out with him again. i get to george and koles and they proceed to tell me all about this dude and his family and how rich they are, etc etc. and yet again i didnt want to know that. its weird.

this whole thing really weirds me out. i wish i thought he was poor and got to know him in that sense, because i feel like now i am going to always try to show that i dont care about his wealth. which frankly i dont. i dont want anything from him except him and i dont want money to interrupt that. i also dont want to be the poor girl he dates that his mother hates. i dont want any of that bullshit at all. i looked up our birth charts and its weird its the very first one that any of the negatives werent that negative. i mean there was sections but they all said these things were workable, which i have never read before on the birth charts. same with numerology and compatibility charts..they all alluded to the fact that if we had a strong bond, and worked hard enough it could work out and if it did it wouldnt be a relationship that would be easy to get over, that is if i could ever get over it to quote one thing. which i find intriguing to say the least. he asked me to come to see him in new york when im back in a few weeks, and i think i am gonna. i think i am going to change my flight info and stay a few extra days up there with him and go to cmj. im gonna talk to my boss when i get back about panels and shows and stuff and see if he is interested in either helping me pay for the flight change, or get me passes or something. but i want to give it a shot. i am gonna ask him too if he wants to come to sf and see arcade fire with me. im gonna offer to buy his ticket if he wants to come, i already have the hotel room booked anyways, it would be awesome! but we will see what he says. i feel all jumbled up inside about this, but i think i need to not worry at all. it should be easy since he lives so far away. he called me last night, which was really sweet, and asked me to call him today, which i am siked on. i cant wait to find the right time to call and chat!! we will see how it goes! im gonna drop the arcade fire bomb if the time is right. that would be so much fun!

oh boy am i in for it with this one..we will see where this ride takes me!

this quote was in my horoscope for today and really stuck out to me "there is beauty in simplicity" and im gonna keep it with me all day. xo

i'm coming out...

i want the world to know..i got to let it show!!

this song just popped up on my itunes and i couldnt agree with it more right now. i had such a down trodden day and felt really upset and depressed and lonely, but not anymore. i was feeling so down that i just wanted to smoke weed and have fun and not give a fuck, but the universe wanted more from me. i made plans to go to this dudes house and get high and chill out, thought there might be a chance of make out, even though i didnt really want to, i figured there was always the chance. so i get ready and i leave, i get to the bottom of my hill and realize i left this plastic container that my comforter was in was directly in front of the heater, like right there, like could burn my house down. so i drove back up the hill moved it and drove back down. this should have been the point where i decided to stay in, but i went against myself and went anyways. when i was driving i felt like i should just cancel, but i felt weird so i figured i would just go and see what happened. so as i was driving down his street, i saw a fucking SKUNK! can you even believe it? i havent seen or heard of them since the last time with that dude casey!! so nuts. so that kind of set the tone for me. i got there and his house was just a mess, it was a dudes houe who hasnt had a girlfriend in a long time. which is fine, i wasnt really going there thinking he was gonna be my boyfriend, i was lonely, but i was just like umm yeah nope. so i was there and ready to smoke weed, but he happened to only have the one strain i refuse to smoke! oddly enough right? trainwreck makes me feel like im having a panic attack all the time and it doesnt go away for a while, so i was like nope. im not breaking my cycle early for this shit. and besides his bong and everything was dirty and ew i just wasnt into it. so i didnt end up smoking! another day down, 3 more to go. i can do this. i thought about how i would feel and i think i would be okay with it, depending on the situation, but not that. even if he had good weed, i dont think i would have. i want it to be special. i might just do it on sunday night which would be my 4th week, a month. not 30 days, but a month, they are pretty much equal. i want to smoke alone and just enjoy myself. its kind of like my virginity or something, i know it seems silly, but i really started to look at it like that tonight. im not just giving it up to anyone and anytime. fuck that. its for me. sunday it is.

another thing i realized was that i want a dude who doesnt drink a lot. i want a dude whos not super into drinking, but does every now and again and doesnt smoke too much either. i need someone who has found a good balance between it all. i dont want a dude who cant say they havent taken a week from drinking in forever. its too much excess, its too much control over them and their brain and their thinking. i need a clear headed dude. tonight while driving home i was blessed with the thoughts that this person does exist for me and its all gonna be ok, and its all gonna be apparent. i know this all the time, but i never believe it for longer than a day or so. i start to get lonely or upset and i dont believe myself, but its gonna be so easy and i am going to know right off the bat when it comes to me. kind of like dan platt, i really judged him, but hes right when you know, you know. trust in that and you will be fine. i know my man is out there, i know he is. i fully and utterly believe it. when we finally get together, we are going to have such a wonderful life together. so filled with love and happiness. i know it is there for me. it will come to me. as i was thinking these thoughts and how this dude was just another lesson to learn, bob marleys coming in from the cold came on the ipod and it couldnt have been better timing. it made so much sense and felt so good to hear.

when one door is closed, another is open.

expectations only ever fail..

so i had been waiting for tonights hang out with my new man toy casey and boy o boy was i left disappointed. i think its because of my expectations, i thought he would want to come hang at my house and make out again. i mean why wouldnt he? right? WRONGGGGGG melissa, way fucking wrong. we had talked about having lunch together and then decided upon dinner after my ballet class, and i thought we could make dinner at my house or whatever and he wanted to grab some at this little restaurant, neither of us were super hungry so we just shared a salad and gourmet pizza. the beginning of the hang out was super fucking awkward as i knew it would be. the last time we saw each other i had his dick in my mouth. so i knew there would be some sort of weirdness, but i didnt think it would be that weird. so we really didnt have much to talk about, which is so odd because both of us are interesting people and have had interesting lives, but it was weird and blank. i tried to roll with the punches as much as possible. i kept smiling and was interested in all he said and really paid attention to him. towards the end of the dinner he seemed to have loosened up a bit, but not too too much. i felt like he had a wall up tonight, like he wanted to hang out but had something on his mind or was just not fully there. when i got out of my ballet class i called him and he didnt answer, and didnt call back for like 20 minutes. he said he was on the phone for a belated birthday call, but later mentioned it was a girl. i have a feeling its some girl he really likes or liked or have had something with and maybe that put him in a weird space. who the fuck knows.

anyway after dinner was over we were walking and i asked what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go home. so i said cool. then he said he wanted to hang out and watch a movie at my house with me, so we decided on friday. but i just feel super weird about the whole thing. i know i shouldnt, i know i am over reacting, i know i am thinking way too much into this thing that isnt anything at all but i cant help it. i over think things and get so insecure when it comes to dudes. but my tarot did say i have to do things differently and adapt to things better, so maybe this is one of those things. maybe just maybe he really likes me and wanted to have dinner and talk and get to know me before we went any further. who knows. we both are supposed to go to this reggae show tomorrow, but i really dont want to go, i have to wake up way too early friday morning and have work all day tomorrow..so who knows what im gonna do. overall i feel the weirdest because i know this isnt going anywhere. i have never stayed with someone who i knew was a waste of my time. i never just took a lover for a lover, and i thought thats what this was, so its just weird that its not. we were talking about my love of sports and he said "i never dated someone who was into sports before" like as if we were dating or something weird weird weird. am i just weird? am i the weirdo? do i expect too much from people? i am over it really i will just look forward to friday nights movie hang out aka sex night hopefully ;)

sadness settles in like it never left..

its so funny how quickly i can get upset and go right into depression, its like a warm bath sometimes. its quite scary actually to know how accepted i let it be in my life. i know i have the power to get over it and the brain strength to let it go away, but ill be honest i like it. i like the days when i feel down in the dumps and want to be alone and quiet and weird and take baths, the only thing im missing today is weed, which is actually interesting in itself. i know i want to smoke weed today and its because i feel shitty and want to suppress some feelings im having. one is my friend tibora. i thought she was upset with me a few weeks ago and it was over taking me and i finally decided to write her a nice long email about it and she called me and pretended she didnt get it yet and acted all super normal and nice to me, which made me feel absolutely insane. i was like wow i gotta chill with this shit, so when we hung out the next day i semi brought it up and she acted like no way was she upset with me..but then i see her boyfriend today and we get to talking about some stuff and he tells me she actually was upset with me, its so fucked. i mean she straight up lied to me. i have been trying to think about what to do about it and how to feel and to not take it so personally, like well maybe she didnt want to deal cause it was stupid and she was over it, but its not true, she just doesnt want the conflict, but fuck that! how are you supposed to be friends with someone when you never know when they are upset with you? i know i will take that and run any time she doesnt respond to an email or text, i will over think it and never know, and i will never feel secure enough to know the truth. and all over one lie. lying is so horrible and creates such tension in so many ways. i am going to talk about this with her for sure, but i just need a few days to get over my hurt and think of it as an adult and deal with it responsibly.

the other thing bothering me is this dude from last night. i dont know why i feel so vulnerable or whatever. i know its nothing, i know this is just what it is, but i feel weird. is the blow job? is it the letting myself go? is it the lack of conversation today? why do i take things so personal?? i always think that people are against me and blowing me off, etc. but its silly i need to know people are people doing their things and will get ahold of me when they can and or want to. i dont know why i feel like this dude doesnt want to hang out with me again, of course he does. why do i even care? i let my guard down in so many ways, not mentally but physically and i think thats bothering me on some level. i keep telling myself to take it slow and not let it get sexual but i feel like this is different. this isnt a dude whos gonna marry me by any means, its just a dude. someone to kiss and hold and fuck (hopefully) but when we were laying there last night he wanted us to take our pants off, due to comfortableness and then said im not trying to have sex or anything, we dont really even know each other yet. then i mentioned my period and it felt a lot better. the pressure was off and gone, but then we got so hot and heavy if i didnt have my period we would have fucked for sure. i think thats my problem. i have no self control when it comes to sex. i want it, i want to be in the moment and i want to feel it. whatever i know im over thinking this one too much, hes just a dude who will be out of my life in 2 weeks. ahh fuck it

it is happening again..again..

wow wow wow. is all i can say about tonight and its events. i will describe as best as possible, but partially i want to keep it to myself so i dont forget it and forget the feeling along with it. the dude i was talking about last night came over. i went to the block party that he was at and we got to hang out a little bit then my friend tibi came and we did our thing, then i hung out with him again and left. we never really talked about hanging out but we exchanged numbers. when i was at dinner he texted and asked if i wanted to hang out and i invited him up to my house. pretty much with the intention of making out with him at some point..which didnt take long. we went outside to look at the stars and then we kissed and it was fucking horrible like so fucking horrible. so awkward and weird and confusing and horrible period. i cant even believe where the night lead with the start being so horrid. i seriously sat in my bathroom going ok what are you gonna do now? but then we cuddled and rubbed our heads and kissed our faces and stayed away from the mouth and slowly but surely he started to kiss like me and it was all good. i didnt realize how one sided i am with kissing, but i am. i cant change how i kiss for anyone and thats really not fair, but to be honest i know i kiss well, so fuck it. follow me and you will be good to go. so we just shared a few magical hours together rolling and rubbing and kissing and touching and it was grand! i have my period so no sex, but man did we fucking grind hard i seriously got so sweaty i felt like i had sex, it was everything like sex minus penetration. i decided to give him a blow job since he was being such a good sport about everything, and besides i thought it was semi unfair to leave him with such huge blue balls on his birthday! yes it is his birthday technically at midnight. so that pretty much blew his mind..haha no pun intended. he said that he never really had a girl give him a blow job and let him cum in her mouth, i thought that was crazy! i didnt swallow or anything, but i let him cum in my mouth, i mean come on now. haha

i really look forward to hanging out with him again and it really sucks that he is leaving in 2 weeks, but its good at the same time too. im sure we will hang out these two weeks and have a fun time, and then go off on our lives and maybe reconnect, but maybe not. i need to not fall for him, i need to keep this casual and fun and not let my feelings get all wrapped up in it. there is no reason to get attached to him, he doesnt even live here. i felt myself falling for him, but i realized i was falling for the ecstasy that i was experiences, he used the term "love drunk" and its true. i felt love drunk and its fabulous! he also asked if this was the first time i made out with someone sober, which isnt fully true, but no weed in my system at all, or to buffer the awkwardness or anything like that yes it was, and i enjoyed it more. it was so nice to feel all these feelings sober and know they are real and they are the real me, and not the drugs. man i am so curious if we are gonna hang out again soon! he is having some little shindig tomorrow at his friends house, and i really dont want to go cause i dont know the people but i want to hang out with him, but i dont want to push it and make it weird. so im just gonna see what happens, and be honest and open to him about it and ask. hes very honest and up front so it wont be weird. i need to remember i dont know him though, i need to remember just because we made out and had a great night doesnt make us anything. we are still just friends, not dating nothing, we are friends and thats it! i need to remember this!! ok time to go to sleep!!

skunky

while driving home tonight i saw a skunk, i havent ever really seen a skunk alive i think. it was weird it was black and then all of a sudden i saw the white stripe and knew it was a skunk. it really made me think, hmm what was that for? why did i see a skunk out of nowhere?? they are odd animals to just kind of run into. animals lately have been really important signs for me and help me realize things i may not have seen before. so i just looked up skunk and what it means in native culture, and its funny what it means. it is representing what your putting out there, what odors or feelings or vibes are you putting out, and are they clear or confusing. now i find this funny because i met this person tonight, who i was defiantly interested in, he was one of the most interesting people i think i have ever met and i felt like after i left that i was giving him hot and cold vibes. i had really bad allergies tonight and he suggested me to go outside and get some fresh air, and he came out too, but when he came out and we were alone i froze up and acted like a weirdo and semi rushed us back inside and pretended i was chilly. but in reality i was just feeling awkward and didnt know what to say anymore or how to act. i really wanted to kiss him actually, but i just froze up and went back inside. while inside i was giving all these im into you vibes, but i think overall he thought i wasnt interested. which totally sucks. when we left he didnt offer nor ask for my number. i tried to give him the chance to ask for mine, or suggest we hang out this week or sometime and he didnt really pick up on it, but then i was thinking it was because of all my mixed signals. i hate that i do that, why am i so scared? what freaks me out so bad? why not just say what i think or feel at the time? i will lose opportunities in life if i keep doing this. hey maybe thats my lesson from this experience.

so let me gush about this dude for a minute. heres the thing he is not striking hot or anything along those lines at all. if i were to see him in a room full of people i would over look him in 2 seconds. he would be nowhere on my radar..but after talking to him for a while i was so intrigued by him. he is so his own man in so many ways. he has lived everywhere, he never graduated high school because it interrupted his life and his goals and dreams. he is a mime and is going to school in italy for a week to see if he likes it and then if he does he is moving there for 3 years to learn performance. he speaks fluent spanish and has a boat that he has lived on. he grew up around here, but doesnt smoke weed at all, and doesnt care about what he wears or anything. he doesnt even brush his hair, he is so odd...in some ways he reminds me of scott from dr dog and aaron weiss, just so his own person. i am sooo attracted to that about him. i love him being him. he is an inspiration to me to learn how to be myself more and not care about silly things like designer sunglasses and clothes. i really struggle with things like that because they are things i like, but they are so silly and un needed in so many ways and really dont matter in the long run at all. i am so taken by this fella, hopefully he is taken by me too and we get to hang out at some point. he is working this street fair tomorrow, and i should go there to see him and give him my number, but i am going to have some stuff in my car and sofia, so i cant really hang out, but i should at least give him my number and ask him to hang out sometime this week. he is leaving here for like 2 months in 2 weeks, so i need to cease my chance. what do i got to lose? if he isnt into me, he wont call. thats the worst that can happen right?

i made some new friends tonight and im loving it. i feel like i am really open to new people and new things and i decided to take ballet! i want to join classes and get to meet new people and feel good about myself and be into something. i am into music so much, but i do that, i am already there its time to branch out. i feel so self centered sometimes and dont really try at anything at all, so i want to change that and try new things. if i dont like them i dont. i will move onto something else. i need to go to bed my allergies are fucking killing me.
xo

love reign o'er me..

man i hate when i feel so desperate it totally sucks. cause normally im not so desperate, but for some reason recently ive been super horny and wanting anything and anyone really. i mean not really i could go fuck some random dude, but dont want to. i thought i had a good prospect open up when my ex fuck buddy came to town for the week, but hes playing some serious mind game action, or im just over reacting, but either way its weird and whack. he was all up on me via facebook, then i went to his show last night and it seemed like he wanted to hang out, but he lost his phone, so thats where the weird factor comes into play. he cant really get ahold of me easily, but he still could if he really wanted to. anyways, so he called me and i went over there and hung out with his whole band and ended up watching a movie and he fell asleep immediately and then when the movie was over i was like ok i guess im leaving, he was so weird the whole time, i kept putting my leg close to his and stuff and got nothing back. he kinda threw his energy away from me honestly. so when i left i was so confused but was like whatever then fuck it. so i get home and i left my water bottle there, so i wrote him on facebook and was like yo lets meet up, but if not its cool too, its only a water bottle, then thanked him for hanging out and thought i wouldnt hear back..then 10 seconds later i get a message back that says this exactly "we are hanging out tomorrow. i should have went home with you. i cant wait to go to the river" thats all i got. so i wrote back, i was gonna ask if you wanted to come up but you seemed too sleepy, but your always welcome. so i pretty much put it out there for him, like yo if you wanna fuck im game. so all day goes by and not a word at all, nothing. he was the one who said we were hanging out tomorrow!!! and tomorrow came and went buddy. what the fuck. but the weird thing is when i read that i was like that aint him, thats his friends fuckin around on him and me and then i felt weird and all awkward. but im trying to tell myself that it doesnt matter because if he wants to hang out he will get ahold of me and i need to not write him or anything at all. i put it out there and its not up to me anymore. but i hate this feeling of desperation. i feel like i did when i was waiting around for matt to get a hold of me or to tap on my window. i do this a lot, and its always with the wrong dudes, but its like i need it or something. either way it sucks, hopefully he gets ahold of me sometime this week and i get to have some sex, but im thinking my period will be here very soon, so hopefully it happens before that!! ok enough bitching..

jenni-mercury is in retrograde again until sept 12th, beware!

too much horror business...

i just watched a few videos of horror show, i saw some from the recent show they just played and one i found online of their last show in 2005..while watching these videos i found myself smiling and giggling about it, watching these kids run around on stage, and then kids jumping all over the place and all over each other, really brought me back to so many shows ive seen. ive been to so many hardcore shows its bananas. i feel like its totally different now, but its not at all, its exactly the same as it was 10 years ago, and even 20 years ago, its all the same. kids expressing themselves through bad music and emo lyrics and running around like chicken with their heads cut off, its a release, its therapy, its amazing.

watching those videos really made me remember where i came from, and who i knew and all ive seen. i have seen so much shit, and done so much its incredible im still alive, and never been arrested for it all (knock on wood) some stuff ive seen i couldnt tell the story and have a normal person believe that that kind of stuff actually happens, and also that its a real story and even worse than i actually witnessed it. there was a point in my life where i needed to get away from that whole scene, from those people, from that vibe. i somehow took myself way out of it, (well i guess moving 3000 miles away kind of helps with that huh?) and somewhere thought id never really look back, or care, like i was so past it, so above it or something..but in reality i miss it. i miss the community of it, i miss knowing most people when you go to a show, i miss being vip's at american nightmare shows and getting to hang out backstage while hundreds of kids are awaiting this band, my friends to get on stage and fucking play their asses off. i miss traveling for these shows, and going to new places and automatically being liked because i was from philly and with this band. it was exciting and i dont think i ever viewed it as that when i was in it. i was always worried about what was happening and how to afford everything and how to just live life. i mean i was always there in way, but i was never fully present like how i am today. i regret not having the knowledge to stay present through those important years of my life, and sometimes im glad i wasnt, because how would i have survived if i actually knew what was going on at all times, i would lose it. i was never a bad kid, i never wanted to do anything bad, or talk bad, or act bad, but here i was stuck dead in the middle of bad. i do wonder what type of karma im going to have from some of the stuff ive done during my "bad" phase. i guess i just hope that i turned over my new leaf in enough time to make up for it in this life, so i dont have to bring it over with me.

i had an interesting situation happen at work today and im quite proud of the outcome. i got into a bit of a tiff with one of my co-workers because of the music. now i work with these people all the time and we listen to the same old music all the time, and today i just had enough. i made comments, jokes, i even put my headphones on. i was over it. i knew it was gonna come to a head at some point and i guess today it did. i got into with the person whos ipod it was and we were yelling back and fourth about whos more selfish with the music, and how nobody cares but me about it and im always saying something about it and never doing anything about it, and my responses were like well you dont like when i put my music on, etc etc etc. you get the gist. so i was fucking livid mad, like seriously so mad, so mad i havent been mad in soooo fucking long i was pissed. i didnt like the feeling of getting chumped what so ever (i have this in me due to my "bad" phase btw) so i sat there fuming mad, just an asshole and everyone around me kept making it worse and worse, and i just got madder and madder, it was nuts..then all of a sudden i imagined what i must look like to everyone, i essentially got a mirror thrown directly in front of my face and i hated it. all of a sudden i went fuck this, i am not letting anyone bring me down and make me have a bad day, fuck that, fuck that fuck that!! so i just all of sudden switched to happy. fuck him, fuck the music, fuck these people, none of it matters enough to ruin my day..so immediately i was cool and calm and collected. during break i went to him and made a truce and said sorry and so did he. it was so easy to get mad and frustrated, but it was just as easy to get over it and move on.yet again forgiveness comes into play and makes everything better!! im convinced forgiveness is a super hero. it seriously has changed my life so drastically its incredible. it was nice to have that happen and see that work itself out. i was really proud of myself and the way i handled it. an apology always helps too, even if you think they dont think about it, they do. everyone does at some point and an apology will help cut down on the thought process and the analyze of the situation. once there is a sorry nobody is mad anymore, ther eis no reason to dig deep and talk shit and get frustrated all over again, a sorry squashes it just like magic!

ok im starting to get soo sleepy and tipped out. but i miss josh and stoney a lot. watching josh in that one video really freaked me and out and made me feel really bad for nicky. it must have been so hard to go on stage with a new band and play those songs they wrote together. and you could feel his disconnect from the show altogether, he wasnt there, he was just going through the motions to get through the whole thing, im not surprised at all that he threw up afterwards. he needed to get back into his body. its so sad, it thought about what if jenni died and i had to watch videos of us, it would be so horribly painful, but so nice at the same time. i just want to go home and hug everyone i care about. i live too far away :(

where is my mind?

i just spend the last 2 days in a crazy world and i kind of feel like i cant even really type. yesterday morning i woke up early and me and my dad drove to berkeley to go see Phish play at the greek, which is one of my favorite venues in america! so i was siked. the drive was whatever, it kind of went quickly, honestly quicker than most 5 hour rides..then we got there and the hotel was packed with hippies, trustafarians, jock looking dudes and chicks and just straight up phish heads, i dont know how else to explain them haha. so our room happens to be next to my dads friends room who had the party room which was cool to just be connected and close to people we knew and were gonna be hanging out with. this is the guy who got us the tickets too, so it all worked out. there was so much energy in the air, people were buzzing all around making plans about seats, and waiting in lines, and everything. so we decide to get showers and get ready to go out for the night, because we heard people were waiting in line since 9am to get in and get good seats, i thought it was bananas, but hey if these people wanted to do it, i say go for it. so anyway then we went got dinner, went to amoeba! i got 50 dollars worth of records and wen back to the hotel, we took a quick nap then it was time for the show. i decided it would be a good idea to eat a weed cookie to get ready for the night. i usually only eat a half and for some reason i decided to eat a whole cookie. i thought oh well fuck it, im going to this show i might as well just party down, its gonna be a long ass night. so i feel good about my choice then get to the show and hang out and immediately am offered L, i turned it down and then a part of me really wanted to do it, so when i was offered a quarter piece i took it, i thought oh well maybe it will just be a little bit of a buzz or something mixed with the cookie. then i decided to freak out about the fact that i ate a whole cookie and just took this other thing. i thought the combo seemed stupid and that it was gonna make me into a hot mess before the show even started. which did semi happen, i thought i was gonna die!! i had waves and my heart was racing and i was like great here we go, another bad show where i gotta freak out and deal with it alone for hours. so i tried to chill out a bit, took deep breathes and thought good thoughts..then the music started..

once the music started i was just on. no more worries, nothing i was just in it. the first couple songs it took me a little to get fully into it, but i finally let go and had fun. i had a permanent smile glued to my face. the music just flowed through me, i just went along for the ride and it was awesome. i just really felt free, like i didnt even notice anyone around me at all, i was just there, very present very in the moment and enjoyed the music. time felt so weird, sometimes it felt like hours were passing in minutes, it was kinda cool to just "be" . i danced and danced and started to feel over it, because i was getting tired, as i should have after 4 hours of dancing!! but it was cool, when it ended it was nice. then i was still tripping but for some reason i thought it would wear off by then, people kinda made fun of me cause of it, like sorry sister that isnt going away for a while. so then we walked back to the hotel which was so fun! it was like i was gliding down the street! i kept saying hello to people and just really enjoyed moving around, then got back to the hotel and went to the room and chilled out and listened to music with the people i was with. it was pretty chill, but i kept feeling like i was crawling out of my skin and my muscles kept tightening up randomly i hated that part. my stomach also hurt pretty bad, but i just kept breathing and tried to chill out as much as possible. i did try to take a trip downstairs to the bar area, but it really felt like i was in fear and loathing in las vegas, it was bananas!! finally me and my dad tried to go to sleep, so i thought music would be a good idea, but it was bad actually, it kept me up, once i turned it off, i fell asleep.

the bummer was that we had to wake up at 7am and drive 5 hours to get home to go to my brothers 5th birthday party at a bowling alley. it was crazy. luckily my dad is a seasoned vet and drove the whole way, i just smoked weed and spaced out, it was nice. the party part sucked thought, i didnt really feel like dealing with people at all, but i totally had to. i worked through it though so it was cool. i came home last night and just chilled out, i didnt feel like doing much, i was so tired and a tad bit grumpy. its nice to not have to think or talk sometimes. i watched mad men and true blood, and honestly i dont really remember either of them really, and kind of dont care. there is a big part of me that wants to never watch tv again, it kinda demotivates me. i will want to do art or clean, but then i think about sitting down and spacing out to the television and its more enticing to just blah out and not have to worry about anything else, let other people talk for me and entertain me.

i just feel weird today. i woke up and saw pictures from my first boyfriend's brothers wedding and for some reason it made me feel so fucking weird. i dunno if it was the fact that i saw all these family members i havent seen in like 10 years or if it was because i saw him with his gf looking super happy, or if it just reminded me that im alone. which is odd because i actually like being alone, i crave it and love it. but i guess it wouldnt be so bad to have someone sometimes. i guess thats what i want, someone sometimes. so that i can live my life the way i want and have someone to share with sometimes too. think ill ever find this magical person who is cool with sharing me with myself? i sure hope so.

im moving past the feeling..

what a night! i feel on fire i feel so good its amazing. so amazing. its crazy how good you feel when you do what you need to do and dont compromise yourself or your beliefs and you stick to your guns. i was so worried about how my feelings might change when im there with him and being around him, but i saw him totally different. things were different for sure, he even looked different. i said earlier today to nikki that i thought hanging out tonight might ruin the beauty i saw in the small 2 day stint, but i knew that we needed closure in some way and talking about it would do that. but i was right, it did ruin something. it was still a little forced in a way. i went to his house afterwards and i shouldnt have, but i felt like he needed it and there needed to be more clarity. he kissed me when we got to his house and i kissed back and felt absolutely nothing at all. nothing! can you believe how much i changed?? its bananas he could say my name or even just talk about nothing and it would make my heart stop and vagina tingle. tonight--nothing! it makes sense though to me, he broke my heart and i healed it and there is no room for him anymore. i pretty much got to say that to him tonight too which was really good. we were laying on the couch and he kept talking about going with the flow and his feelings and how hes not gonna date anyone till hes over me, and everything, but i got to say its weird being in your house, last time i was here my heart really hurt, it really was broken. at that moment i realized that it was the truth, and that what happened had abruptly broken my heart. as far as i knew we were going well and dating and having sex and laying naked at 7am and i was all blissed out, until he freaked and it hurt me a lot. thats why my ribs popped out and hurt so much, but i got to heal them very quickly. another weird thing is that i had this small rash on the outside of my lips down there wink wink and it was itchy and i thought maybe it was hurt from the river rocks or something, then i was convinced maybe i had poison oak there either way it fucking hurt super bad and nothing made it feel better. as i went to the bathroom tonight at his house, i realized it didnt hurt anymore, it had magically disappeared its funny cause i cant seem to find the connection with him and that, but i guess it was somewhere deep inside. maybe because most of our problems came from sex or something, who knows. either way its over, dead and gone and i feel great.

another thing that had happened while i was there was i was laying on his chest listening to his heart beat and all i could do was think about john. i had wished john was laying there underneath me and breathing on my forehead, and rubbing my arm. i wanted it to be john. i could never imagine something like this before, but i could tonight. as i sat there i kept thinking about how i wanted to leave to call john and hear his voice and flirt with him on the phone like i did last night. he keeps showing me sides of himself that i needed to see to feel more attracted to him. but who knows tomorrow i could walk into work and feel nothing, or try to hide those feelings away, who knows. there is no rush, if its meant to be it will no matter how many doubts i have or worries. but i feel like we are on the right path. we make sense. we are good compliments to one another, we are opposite yet not. its good.

i fucking feel so good! so free! so happy! im loving life! i never thought i could really feel this good, that this good existed in real life, but it does. you too can feel happy!!!!

nerves nerves, silly nerves..

i woke up with a knot in my stomach, an elephant on my chest. its crazy, i havent been upset or stressed out like this in a while. i am so nervous for my dinner tonight with stan. i dont want to go, i dont want to deal with what im about to deal with at all. i know its so silly because i know what i have to do, i know i have to stand strong and stand up for what i know is right, but its going to be really difficult. its going to be like a date, and i wish it wasnt, i dont have any good news for him, so its kind of strange that we are going to share a meal and talk about stuff when its going to go nowhere. i know he will take it well and not push me, but its going to be awkward indeed. actually i have this feeling that yesterday he finally decided hes done with me too. he sent me a video of bruce springsteens streets of philadelphia and said something along the lines of hope this helps make you think of home. i HATE that song, it freaks me out and reminds me of all the bad things about philly, the drugs, the diseases, the homeless people, the anger, the aggression, the oppression. so i wrote back thank you so much for thinking of me, but this song weirds me out etc etc..he wrote me back sorry not my intention, i wrote him back, i know it was really sweet, etc, etc..but i have a feeling he read that first email back and was mad or upset and over me. i could feel it. he cut me off. which is good, but it sucks that we have to have this dinner together still. there is nothing there, we dont know each other at all and are going to be forced to be in this weird situation together that neither of us want to be in at all. but whatever, its happening and there is nothing i can do about it besides go into with a good head and to be happy and myself and be positive. right?

i guess i feel like part of me doesnt want to get chumped or left to feel weird, but the funny thing is i have the power to feel this way or not. its all about how i take it, and react to it and what i do with it all. it might be fun, we might get to just hang out and laugh and be cool with each other, i never think of that. but it could happen, even though it most likely wont happen. i just think what happened the other day really rocked me and rocked my soul and my heart and everything that its too much to go back. we went too deep into nowhere land. there is no coming back from that conversation, those feelings. i just want it to go away. i want the memory to be wonderful and lovely in my head forever. im scared tonight might ruin that.

for the other dude, john, hes starting to show me a side of himself i wasnt aware of, a side that i actually complained didnt exist but it does. he lives in a small office pretty much right now that doesnt have a kitchen or a bathroom, its just horrible, and i was like eh i cant date a dude like that, no way. but hes been talking about how he wants to get a house in the suburbs and cook dinners and have a life. and hes not meaning california, hes meaning east coast and i can totally see us doing that together. i have this funny feeling things are going to be friendslike until he finds a job and decides to move, then i gotta choose whether or not i want to go with him, i can totally see that happening. i kind of hope it does happen. which just means i need to save up money constantly in case this does happen in any way. if i get a job off, or if i decide to move really quickly i need a nice nest egg. which i had but now its dwindling really rapidly. i am starting to get fucked up money wise again and i didnt even realize it. i am still spending quicker than im making. when am i gonna get it together? it blows my mind that i dont cook a good meal, or exercise every day. it makes no sense to me that this stuff never happens. it does somewhere in my mind, somewhere inside myself i feel like i do that stuff, that i am busy all day doing real shit, but in reality im not at all. i dont do shit.

the new arcade fire rules btw

every little thing..

is gonna be alright..or so i hope so.

im in mass confusion mode. i cant seem to know if i should be following my mind or my heart. i really feel im being torn in two directions and i know i need to make a decision and go with it. its time to be the captain of my own life and just go for one or the other or none. this whole stan thing has got me threw a loop, because i decided that we had something special and to keep it that way and not force anything else out of this, and how arent really compatible and the whole age thing is there, but i am sooo into him and how he made me feel, its totally a drug type of addiction that i need to not give into like cigarettes or something. im meeting up with him on wednesday for dinner which is good that we will be in a public place and wont be able to be all over each other, and get to just converse a bit. but i know im gonna be like butter when i am around him. he does something to my body i cant describe. its like electric when he even talks to me. i just am so attracted to him its wild. it actually is making things hard for me with other dudes because all i want is the feeling i have with stan, which i know i cant get from anyone else. he is magic to me.

my friend john and i have been hanging out for a while, and in this blog i know i have mentioned this whole idea of him. and something keeps telling me that i need to be with him, but i dont want to at the same time. i had several chances tonight to kiss him or to say something about our attraction to one another, but i couldnt bring myself to do any of it. i kept hoping he wouldnt bring it up to me either, because i knew i couldnt deal with it yet. i dont know what it is, im not in any rush or anything but i just dont really see how i will change my mind on this one. its even harder right now because he is totally up against stan which is hard for anyone to compete with. what a decision to make, but do i even have to make one yet? cant i just hang out with both of them then decide at some later point? hahahahaha no way, even as i was typing that i was yelling at myself at why put myself and those two threw such jagged emotion because i cant make up my mind, but i already have pretty much. i know i cant be with stan and should be with john. i may just not choose either. its definitely not going to be that easy, i know that for sure. i need to keep a clear head and make educated decisions at the time i need to make them. one of my fears is that at dinner stan will say something along the lines of, i really thought about the other night and im so sorry i will never be like that again, it opened my eyes to so much, blah blah blah where i will fall right back in, and i know i shouldnt, but then again why not if he were to say that stuff? see my peril?? fuck!!! but honestly there is a very good chance we will both say this isnt going to work out, but lets try to stay friends. who knows i wont know until wednesday and i look forward to seeing what happens. i need to go to sleep now. goodnight. xo

leave the horror here..

sooooooo after i wrote that blog last night i went to sleep, i slept for like 2 hours and kept dreaming of that dude over and over again and i woke up and i knew i needed to call him. i was kind of putting it off here and there, but my guts were screaming at me to do it, so i did. all that i had in my mind was to go over there right then and there and to go make out or something, i dont know how i switched so quickly, but i just knew it would be amazing. so we chat and make dinner plans for next week, blah blah and then he invites me down to go there. i say yes, jump in the car and go to his house.

as soon as i get out of the car hes outside waiting for me and we just start making out immediately, like the second we see each other i dont even think we said hello! it was everything i usually dream of, i have dreamt of something like that happening to me for years!! so we go inside and its on! we make out he goes down on me, which was fucking amazing, then we have sex and thats that. we spend the next 7 hours laying naked with each other holding each other, kissing, making love, talking, laughing, all of it. it was so special and incredible. we looked into each others eyes, held each other it was like two people in love in deep deep love. so amazing. we have this way about us that i cant describe, but we are open and honest and communicative and can express how we feel without any inhibitions. he does have two teenage boys and an ex-wife, but has been divorced for 6 years and its been way over and they are cool with each other. the funny thing is i dont even care at all. there are parts of me that can see us together for the long haul and then not. but i decided to keep this to me and not really share with people..

ok so that post was written yesterday (7/28) and i just never had a chance to finish it or post it..so im back to write more, but oddly enough they are quite opposite than the post above, that these two things should be two different posts, but fuck it here it goes..

ok so i went over there yesterday and we started to make out more and more, and then stopped again and we talked about how this was going too fast and how we should take it slowly and just get to know each other better before we add the sex thing to it and stuff, so that was great. it was an open honest conversation, very adult, very real, very good. i was siked. we then hung out the rest of the night and made food, ate, talked, kissed, talked more, looked at pictures, told stories, the whole thing. it was great. i had so much fun, laughing, feelings, all of it was incredible. it was magical and special and so important. he would say some of the nicest things ive ever heard someone say to me. and i believed him, and i took it all in and let my body and mind feel these things. then we go to sleep, have a wonderful evening in the bedroom, sex here and there, which i thought was a bad idea because of our conversation earlier, and had mentioned it to him but he said he was just going with the flow, so i just went along with it too just to be in it, and it didnt really work out so well, he would get hard for a minute or two and we would start to have sex and then he would get soft, and then say sorry but i never cared, i just wanted to hang out too, so i tried to stress that and whatever, it all got lost in the mental and physical bliss we were in the whole past two days. he said some of the most amazing things to me, that i cant eve believe my ears heard. he told me that he could see all the bright energy coming off my face and it looked like he was looking up at the stars, the constellations i got so overwhelmed and cried a bit. it was so intense, so emotional, so everything for only knowing each other for 2 days, but it all just seemed so right..until the morning..

so we go to sleep and sofia was sleeping with us, and she snores a lot so he woke up a few times from her snoring and then finally asked me to put her out of the room cause he couldnt deal with her snoring waking him up, so i did i put her on the couch and went back to sleep. he woke up a lot and moved around a lot i could tell he was having a rough night sleep, but i had only slept 2 hours the night before and was so fucking tired and knew i had to work, so i just tried to sleep. we woke up and had this blissed out morning sex that was cool, but yet turned disastrous. he kept having me on top of him like right on top, and it didnt feel the best for me, but every time i would lean up to get better footing per se is when i noticed he would lose his mojo, and it made me feel like shit so i would stop being into too, but it all simultaneous so it was hard to tell who stopped first. anyway this lead to a discussion because he was upset that i wouldnt rub his nipples. he told me he liked that being done, which is fine, but its whatever and its weirdish and i guess i didnt rub them the proper way and he said thats how he gets off and was upset that i wasnt giving him what he needed, he said i just rubbed them hard and it didnt feel good, but he never told me, so then the can of worms opened up and i wont go into too many details but basically he was just really sensitive and it seemed like he was just picking on everything, and getting so upset over everything and then it didnt matter what i said it was just hurtful to him. and the energy in the room was so bad, like he threw his walls up so quickly and just kinda shut down, but yet was crying. he kept crying so much and it was so emotional and so hard to deal with. it felt like an elephant was sitting on top of my chest and my heart was breaking all at the same time. i had just met this person but had gone so deep emotionally it was tragic this was happening, but i somehow knew it would at some point. i guess i just didnt think it would happen this quickly or something, but it did. we seriously just hugged each other for like an hour, i kept thinking it was because we both knew this was going nowhere and that this was it. we were done.

so i left there very upset and shaken up, but kind of felt good too at the same time. i didnt do anything wrong, i spoke my mind, i spoke truth, i listened, i tried to help him see the big picture, i tried to communicate and work through this whole situation..(the sad part was we did get over it, and started talking about what we like during sex and i mentioned my little strangle addiction i have now, and in passing mentioned how i found it with another dude and he fucking lost it, and said he hated that i said that to him while holding his hand, and it was wrong, etc etc) so yeah i tried my hardest, and it wasnt good enough, but its ok. i feel ok about it and realize that it cant go anywhere and we must have had some karma to work out or something. its funny cause i kept calling him david in my head, he must have been david in our other life together. but i do feel sad about it all, i really liked what we had, it was special and awesome and fulfilling and grown up and mature and sexy and hot and passionate and fun. he is an amazing person and i wish i could be with him i really do. i was ready to be a stepmom for him, the connection we had and how i felt was 100 times crazier than rickie, which is saying a lot. especially only after two days. we are supposed to get together next week, but his birthday is monday and i dont want to do this on his birthday, so im assuming tuesday. i dont know what im going to say yet, im not sure how i feel about it all yet. part of me wants us to make up and fall in love and be happy and part of me thinks we wont be able to work out so i should cut my losses now before my heart gets way too involved and this type of shit happens all the time. i dont need a nervous nelly anxious wreck who cant let things go. but i do feel a love for him. this is really long so im gonna stop now. that was my last two days.
xo

green river..

so today i went to work, we got done super early which i knew was gonna happen, so i brought my stuff to go to the river, it was gonna be amazing! so we got done and out of there by 1, which was perfect river timing, so i put my suit on and hop in the car and head to the river. im sitting there for a while, and then this dude comes down with his bike and his bike outfit, etc. i say hi politely and keep on with my business. he then asks if i want to smoke weed with him, i say sure without even thinking twice and go over and smoke with him. i can tell he is diggin on me, but its whatever im semi used to it, and i continue on and he then starts brushing by me little by little and im feeling eh about it, but hes kind of hot and super built and nice and full head of hair, etc

so we start hanging out and hes close to me, touching me etc, we decide to go swimming in the river, which was freezing!! so we just sat there for a bit, but i felt into it, i was vibing this guy, i just wasnt so into the touchy touch part..but kind of went along for the ride, since i never do stuff like that, i never really go for it, i never live by the spur of the moment, im always thinking too much about everything before i do it. so i sat there and let him rub on me, he started to rub my feet and i became a freak, im a weirdo around dudes in general, but i was super weird. so we talked and i let him rub my legs and feet and we got along nice flirted, talked, flirted, blah blah..then i just started feeling eh about the whole thing and just knew i couldnt really be with this dude, he is turning 49 and has two kids who are 16 and 12, and an exwife who lives around the corner from him. just too much for me, i knew i didnt want that kind of life, so i knew this was semi pointless, then i was done. he asked me to have dinner with him tonight and i didnt want to. so i said no then he started to rub my shoulders and i just turned off like fucking just turned off. i was like i gotta go and he was all umm ok, jumped up and then walked away and it was super weird. i said i was sorry for the whole thing and that i dont know what happened but my body just stopped me and i had to honor myself and leave. i said sorry again and again and then he gave me his number, but it was one of those things where i needed out immediately, i was done and over it it was time to leave now! so i left and that was that. i feel super weird about the whole thing i come home and my angel card today was "love" which i laughed at this morning, like how could i have love today? another weird thing is that sofia just stayed away from us, she just stood in the same place and stared at us for about an hour. standing. it was eerie weird and freaked me out. im not gonna lie and say that didnt affect how i thought. it was just weird. it was too much too fast all over me. i felt constricted and everything, but im sooo fucking intrigued by this dude especially since his name is stan, which is odd from my dreams lately and what happened with the other stan too. just strange all together. i am writing this going, umm this happened to me today, this happened about 2 hours ago, this really just occurred. it felt so fake and movie like, but it was real.

i think my body freaked out because i didnt honor myself right off the bat. i didnt say hey i know we are vibing each other but lets save that for later when we know each other. i didnt use my voice, i let things happen and i didnt like it. it happens to me al the time, i never say what i need until i lose it. so this was a lesson on saying what i need and dont need. i feel kind of sick from it all honestly. still hasnt sunk in yet on what actually happened to me there, did i like him? did i not? confusion is all around me.

life. death. life. death. life. death. and so on...

about el dying. at first i thought it was good that he wont be suffering or having to deal with his psychiatric problems any longer, and thats totally right, but he will be missed. its really made me think about the years ive known him and how hes always been a part of my life since the day i met him. no matter what phase of my life i was in or where i lived, he always called me and wrote me and thought of me. so many of his messages were deleted before i could even listen to them, due to the mania, but it was always so nice when he would call out of nowhere and just be happy and actually interested in my life. I am really happy that my last conversation with him was so amazing. he had called me and i didnt answer at first, but then i listened to his message and he seemed normal, so i decided to call him back and we had such a good talk. he was so happy and excited about his life and really seemed genuinely happy. i always knew that conversation was something special, but i never really knew why except just connecting with an old friend, but i guess this is why. because it was the last time i would talk to him on this plane of existence. i am glad he didnt suffer for too long. i feel really upset for his family, and wish i was home to give them hugs. hes such a part of my life too, he always would say, culbertson, ive known you for so long, since you were a young teenager and i would go yup el pretty cool huh? and he would go yup. i will miss him for sure. but i know that he is in a better place and can feel happy and no pain any longer. he is safe and sound on a higher plane. rest in peace elliott. xo

i wish he was my boyfriend...

man im loving this Best Coast band, so fucking good..if you havent heard them do it! here is a link to the whole album to stream


anyways im on here to write about my dreams last night they were so vivid and crazy. so the one that is really sticking with me is the one with stan. yes stan. i saw him the other day and he apologized to me about everything that happened and told me that he did really like me and he wished it could have turned out different. i said me too, thanks. etc, etc. so my dream last night was we were trying to date, and he was totally cheating on his wife with me, and we kept going and i felt so uncomfortable about the whole thing, i didnt like being the other woman, or didnt even know if things would work out and if it would be worth it or not. but he really wanted to try so i just went along with it. and in the dream when i was just going along with it but knew it was wrong and kept saying to myself i gotta just be honest and do what i need to do and not worry about how he feels, i need to tell the truth that i dont like this. but i liked being with him, so i really wanted to be with him. its so crazy. i bet we were in a past life together at some point, because our connection is so deep rooted. but it just was such a weirdo dream. very very real. i woke up and went oh my god thats not real, thank god.

my other situation is that i think i really like this guy john i work with, but all day long and night i think about it and as soon as i wake up i go nope. and based on past situations, thats usually my answer. but i havent smoked weed in a few days so its not a difference of being high and sober, im sober all together. that is clue one, and clue two is that i didnt want to go to a restaurant with him that people would see us the other day. i felt scared for some reason, i didnt want to be seen with him. but i have noooo idea why. if anything he would up my status quo, hes more popular than i am in the community and everything. the main problem is that i dont know if im sexual attracted to him. i cant picture us making out or having sex at all. i do feel like he compliments me well in many many ways though. hes a lot like dominic which was good for me, very responsible and practical and on top of his shit and also isnt lazy about anything, and gets shit done. where as im so lazy about doing stuff, unless motivated and put things off forever and forget to pay my bills, etc. we also get along well and have been hanging out for like 6 months and going on semi dates here and there, but i just didnt know they were dates. which they werent they were just us hanging out, but it seems like everyone else kind of sees our connection except me. even yesterday at dinner with my friend greg he said he heard our radio show and how good we sounded together, and i totally agree. we are going to start a podcast soon with music, so i kind of feel like i shouldnt think about it and just see what happens, but hes the type of dude who wont make a move. as my friend justin said, hes probably is just happy to have a hot girl to hang out with but thinks she is out of his league.

we work together and thats bad, our working relationship is so good, if that were to get fucked up id be so upset. its funny its like the movie clueless when she finally realizes she likes josh and acts all weird around him and stuff i feel like that haha. like he was there the whole time but wasnt the obvious choice. eh i dont know i hate thinking so much about it or even talking to people about it. i gotta just go with my gut and hope it all works out the way its supposed to work out. i go to my psychic tomorrow so i will see what she says too.

i miss jenni.

my love is a life taker..

ahh life.

every time i go out it gets better and better. the more and more i become comfortable with myself, the more fun i have. the less i worry about other people or anything around me. its taking less and less time for me to get to that point these days. tonight i went to see this band "weeple" a weezer cover band and i felt weird at first like the spotlight was on me while i was singing and dancing, i couldnt let myself relax. then i just did, i let it all go and i enjoyed myself so much. i didnt know what i was in for with this band, i figured it was pretty much just like "sleezer" at home, but wasnt sure if this band was gonna play some of the newer stuff or not, but i got so lucky and they only played songs off the blue album, oh and lady gaga's bad romance. weird combo right? but man say it aint so, the sweater song and surf wax america was some of the funnest times ive had in a long ass time. it was just nice to be surrounded by weezer fans all singing and fist pumping at the same time in unison nerding the fuck out. i loved it. the funniest part was that my stepmom kristina and her friend maya from bend oregon were with me and neither really like weezer and or heard of them that much, so that was amazing. i just fucking rocked out while they chilled and watched the band. i felt stupid at first, but i got over it. they were staying for me and it was ok, cause thats what you do. and if they wanted to leave they would tell me, so i just partied. i love this no drinking thing too, i get to really enjoy things more when im only high and not all wasted and pukey feeling.

i had a funny situation happen the other day which i may or may not have blogged about. my friend at work jm, we always have this thing with each other, where there is something there, but its never talked about and we just kind of go along with it and be friends. the past few times ive hung out with him ive thought hmm maybe i like him more like a dude than a friend and other times i dont. i realized tonight he sees me usually when im sober which is incredible, not too many people get that. im usually pretty high at some point in the day with people im with, but with him im never high. i actually feel uncomfortable around him high and would rather be all there. i dont know if any of this stuff makes any sense at all, or means anything, but its just is what it is. so yeah. he told me tonight two things where i feel like i kind of dissed him. one was he told me he would go to this show if i was, and then when we were at the show and the horrible band were on, he said "im not here for the music" but he could have been there for our mutual friend andy but then i think maybe it was for me, who knows. i feel bad though cause i didnt really hang out with him too much at all. i did when i first got there and i was super high , but i had to leave when some dude kinda pushed by me, and i felt him get all protective and kind of eye the guy down. i didnt like it, which is odd cause i always think there is a part of me that wants a dude to be able to protect me and stand up for me, but i never really want them to do it, especially over being at a show and a dude pushing by me. i dont know why i felt so weird but i did, and i bounced and didnt really see him again for the rest of the night. i think im over thinking it and i need to get over it all really. cause none of it really matters anyways. it happened, its over. ok im going to sleep. goodnight.

as they took his soul, they stole his pride..

i just watched the double rainbow video and i understand how america thinks its funny, it is, but it is also touching. that dude wether on mushrooms or not saw an amazing, mystical natural occurrence. its intense. there are things about the universe and earth that are just so overwhelmingly beautiful and breath taking and its hard to understand how you are lucky enough to get to witness such a beauty. he kept saying over "what does this mean" and i really got it when he said that. he was out there camping, in a very spiritual place, on shrooms and saw this. to him it meant something. and people are fucking laughing at him??? it makes me so upset that our world is like this. people cant be spiritual, open minded, or metaphysical without sounding like a crazy person. i know this because i used to make fun of people for that kind of stuff. oh my god your talking about energies and past lives and psychics and chakras?? i think that these people, most people dont understand or are open enough to understand so they make fun of it. its too hard of a concept to grasp, or they are so wrapped up in their lives to stop and pay attention to whats really going on. we are all here for a reason, a purpose. we choose to come to this life, and we choose every step of the way how to live it. if you are having a seemingly horrible life, change it. do something about it. dont sit around and let it keep getting worse. take action! we all, including myself, have been through hard times when you just cant change it, you have to sit around and wallow in it for a while, but eventually you can get out of it. time heals. i

ive been finding myself feeling uncomfortable around a lot of people these days. people who i feel like i cant be myself around and its weird. i want to be comfortable and myself around them, but i just cant, and i dont get it. i guess im feeling misunderstood or going through an intense period of awakening and its just hard to relate. al the little stuff, doesnt matter. none of it. none of it all together matters. someone is being a dick, fuck em. this confusion or that confusion, talk about it. its just weird life is so simple, but we complicate it over and over and over by words and thoughts and actions. everything has a bottom line, look there and deal with it from that level and it wil be ok. dont let things get out of hand, if you fucked up and know it tell the person. apologize as soon as you realize and let it go. this is advice im giving myself and other people. i find myself focusing on little interactions that have occurred and i hold onto it for so long, it takes over my brain for a while and i literally have to fight it off. i have to sit down with myself and tell myself to let it go, it doesnt matter what happened you dealt with it in whatever way you did and it happened. move on. the more we hold onto things, the more it festers and the more it fucks with us. somehow, subconsciously its there and next time we are in a similar situation we will be weird and act weird and have it be because of that little thing we held onto which we shouldnt have. its silly. moving on really cleans the slate for new experiences to be real and lets us be present.

"nobody ever seems to remember; life is a game we play"-oasis

forgiveness

what a concept huh? ive been thinking a lot about it today. the whole idea of forgiveness and really just letting things go off you. how do you do it? i was at the river and had these ideas of just forgiving my mom, my dad, matt, rickie, eric, everyone who ever hurt me at all. i laid there and envisioned it all going off me. and i do feel lighter, i feel like i let some of it off, but how do i go about life now? do i just love them all unconditionally? i want to write my mom a letter and tell her i forgive her. i want things to be ok. i mean ill never spend christmas there or nothing, but it would be nice to not carry this shit anymore. that is all her karma not mine. i would have to go on other lives dealing with her again and again until i end it and deal with it, and forgive her for everything she has ever done to me. part of me feels like i dont need to even tell her, to just feel it ends it. ive been told weve spend many lives together and always were in battle, and she always was the mean one, the one who got over on me, but this life i feel like she tried to do that, but i overcame her. i see her for who she is, and she doesnt even know how fucked up she is, so i cant tell her, thats her own debit she will pay in many many more lives until she gets it. i cant let her and her karma fuck me up anymore. i need to feel love and give love and have respect for myself and go on and just be happy. same for my dad, ive carried around that he left me and that he left me in a horrible home with no love and abuse, etc. but what does it matter? what does he have to do to make me get over it? hes done so much for me over the past 10 years and i hold onto stuff that dont matter anymore. it is old news, it happened so long ago and so much other stuff has happened, but ive held onto and i didnt even really notice that i have been until today. i make myself feel like im not part of the family, i make myself be the outsider. its all in me, and its all my fault that ive let myself feel this. only i can control what i think and feel and do and ive choose to stop it all. i want to be free, i want to be happy and share with people. i want to feel loved and give love. it is all about love.

i really am changing, i feel it inside. i want these things to change and i am changing everyday. each day i think of new ideas or theories about life that help me grow as a person and as a spirit. i am helping myself reach a higher level of understanding. the one thing that keeps coming up for me is that i might die soon. i dont really believe it, but the idea keeps coming into my head. like what i figure allt his out and that was my purpose for this life, and then i go. its funny cause as scary as it is, its not at the same time. i do believe i will see all my loved ones again and again for many lives to come, and if not in human form than in soul form. its all ok. but then i think im meant to live a long life and die an old lady who lived life to the fullest filled with love and family. i still dotn know if i want to have children, but maybe. i want to be in love with someone who loves me the same. it will happen, i know it.

ps i dont have my cellphone right now, i spilled water on it, and i dont have money to pay the deductible for my insurance so its gonna be a couple days. hit me up on fb or my house. xo

the queen is dead boys..

and its so lonely on a limb....

this song is really speaking to me today for some reason. ive been doing a lot of thinking about this whole eric situation and im convinced it came down to him leaving. maybe in a past life he left me or died or something and its really affecting me in this life, so when he left it brought those feelings which in turn made me hate him. i dont hate him, but i do not like him at all. he put this video on facebook and i couldnt even make myself think any of it was cool. i was annoyed and made fun of it out-loud to myself. and as i was talking i knew i was being an asshole and just couldnt stop myself. the same thing happened today with blake, i had to babysit him this morning and i couldnt be more annoyed with him. its been like that forever, i bet we have a deeeeeep history and i need to learn from him. i really try to learn from him a lot like when he does something that annoys me i ask myself why, and it happens all the time and i a lot of the time hes like me. but hes a little kid so its so much purer, like him wanting to do things for himself and doesnt want to listen to me about how you play super mario brothers, and he wants to do it his way, mixes my annoyance of him being too independant it made him controlling, which is exactly my problem in a lot of aspects of my life. i know that life is about the journey and learning from every thing that happens and trying not to do it again, but its so hard sometimes. sometimes i just want to disappear until its all over, till time has passed and i dont have to deal with anything anymore, but the problem is the will never happen. this shit is gonna happen forever. there is always going to be issues, there are always going to be people who are mean, evil, judgmental, murders, rapists, wars, rudeness, everything, it will never stop. i know its all about how i live my life and how i can help people and share love, but its so hard. love is so hard to give sometimes, and its way harder to receive. "its so easy to laugh its so easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle and kind"

"and as i climb into an empty bed...oh well enough said"--that kinda wraps up the last few years of my life. i am a loner, i am scared of intimacy, love and sharing myself. i have so much control over myself and my life that i cant give it up. i cant let go of myself. i think that my main problem with dudes is that i give myself up too quick , i allow myself to fall head over heals and jump in and go with my emotions. i need to not do that ever again. i need to take it slow, go on dates, hang out randomly in the beginning, make it interesting, make him want me and vice versa. all this early jumping always backfires on me, and i waste all this time with people who arent right for me over some connection i felt for a few weeks at some point with them.

my brother billy is currently sitting in a jail cell. what a horrible sentence huh? i mean i had a friend go to jail im not a virgin to this situation, but its just weird when its your little brother. i remember being young and telling him i would take care of him and never let anything bad happen to him. i made this promise to him at one point in my life, and i meant every word. that conversation has always stayed with me and when i think of him, this usually pops up, but i lied. i never kept him away from harm, i dont help him, i dont even talk to him. i dont try at all, and look what happened. i dont blame myself for his life decisions, but i feel like maybe my positivity could have somehow helped him out, but then i think it wouldnt make a difference at all. he is way under my moms thumb, and hes her little boy baby and is too brainwashed by her and her ways to even get it and on top of it all hes kind of slow and mentally retarded. so he cant even really comprehend what i would say to him. my mom wrote me a message on facebook and in it she wrote "i just wonder if it somehow is my fault" and my first thought was fuck yeah it is, your a horrible mother who never showed love, etc etc..then i stopped myself and really thought about it. she is a woman whos son is in jail. she must think she is a complete failure as a mother, and wonder where she went wrong. and how shitty it must feel also to know there is nothing you can do to help him. its just sad. i actually felt bad for her, which i cant say i have felt in like 10 years+ but the coolest part was her even saying it, to have her even question that and actually blame herself is a big step and especially to say it to me of all people. the one who has called her out on being "a bad mom" to her face, its big. i took this opportunity to take the high road, i wrote her something very nice back and pretty much said the past is the past all we have is the future to change things we dont like about ourselves, etc etc..and said that she has abby to show love, caring and compassion and support. (all the things i never got) because i dont need it from her anymore. ive accepted she can not give me what i need and what i needed was needed many many years ago, and i needed to let it go which i did, but i do want her to treat abby better. i was on the phone with her the other day and she was talking to abby like she was an asshole, and i hated it. it made me mad that the cycle was gonna repeat itself and abby was gonna be raised with the same bad vibes as i was. but she has natalie and sarah too, so she has better chances of a better life.

its just sad. i feel bad for my brother. he has adhd, and sitting in a cell is probably the worst thing for him, i know it would pretty much kill me to be in his shoes. but i guess thats why i dont drink and drive anymore, why i dont pop pills anymore, why i dont smash glass all over my sister. he deserves to be where he is no doubt, but you gotta think what else would he really do? where else would he really end up? he failed the military test 3 times and i heard it was easier than the GED. its so sad, hes my little brother.

life is very long when your lonely..