just do it

im starting to feel a bit more like myself..the last three days all i did was drink, eat and watch baseball and go to the beach. seriously. it felt good while i was doing it, but i would always feel bad. sofia has bad fleas and i was supposed to get her flea medicine for the past three days and didnt. i was an asshole mom. i totally dissed my kid to go party. i felt like shit about it this morning. i woke up and decided i didnt want to do that today. today i wanted to do what i had to do to get back to me. i went to therapy today for the first time in months. it was nice, but weird at the same time. i told her everything that happend, but it just felt old. like old news, but there is something still holding me back from feeling like me again and i thought going to the therapist would help me find the answers. but alas it didnt. i made another appointment for 2 weeks from now. if anything its just nice to talk about yourself and only yourself for an hour. i tooted my own horn a bit about myself and my newly found goals. i think im gonna take classes here for the next year while i stay here and save money. i was gonna just save money and then go to school, but why not do them both at the same time, or at least take some classes? get this ball rolling a bit. ive been meaning to do it for so long, but it finally made the most sense to me. im gonna be here either way, might as well do something with my time. even if i fail who cares, it doesnt matter to me. i just want to do something i need to pick something and do it. just do it like nike says. its time to do something with myself.

nikole told me today that her and her friend were talking about me moving, and they were discussing how hard it will be for me to adjust to a new setting, and settle in and find friends at a new place, and to take that into consideration on where i move, and to be honest they are right. at first i played it off like i already thought about that, but i didnt. i never stopped to think about the day to day of a new place. which kinda blows because its like im either stuck here, la, or philly area. and none of them sound too appealing to me. i mean i guess they do kind of each in their own ways, but i just dont know. it feels too confining or something. here is just here, ive been unhappyish and single forever, la is too nikole and her life, and too expensive and too easy for me to fall back into party melissa, and philly is pretty much dead and gone to me, but i could just hang out with other groups and make a new place for me there semi easily. like if i lived in media or west chester or something. i could be close but not too close. i dont know man i dont know what i want or where i want, i just know i want.

gimme gimme gimme

i wish i knew what i was really holding back..

i want me back. i want to feel like i felt before i went to philadelphia. i want the confident, healthy, exercising, happy melissa back. shes gone, i know shes not gone for good, but she is gone. she is on some extended vacation that i am so unhappy about. where did i go? why did i check out? i guess i could sit here and list the reasons, but thats the weird thing, i know the reasons, i feel like i have dealt with them, i acknowledged them, talked about them, cried about them, and so what now? what else is there to do?

my body is even taking it out on me, i tried to work out twice since i got home and my body was like taffy. it didnt want to work out, it didnt want to do anything. i wanted to lay there. as soon as my muscles started working, they would shake, shake like a herion addict coming down. shake like they couldnt even deal with the fact they were being strained. so what do they do? they fucking strain on me, take me down to the ground. unable to preform anymore tasks. all i can do is lay around and why why why? why is my body doing this? well i suppose its telling me to chill the fuck out and take the time to sit around the house and figure out whats going on in my life and how to fix it. but ya know what? i dont want to fix it, i fixed it already. time to move on.....ughhhhh on top of this pain im in from my whole body, oh yeah forgot to mention my chiropractor wants me there 3 times this week, because my bones arent aligned, my neck is out of whack and my back is just fucked. and they wont move, so he needs to make them move. how do you think i go about telling my doctor that its not gonna happen until my brain lets it? he would think im fucking nuts. oh yeah while i was torturing my body with exercise this morning, i just started crying. burst out in tears. it was the oddest thing ever. i was one second trying to remember to keep my abs tight and the next thing i know im crying. i had to leave the class, and go sit in the locker room and cry to myself. i didnt even let it all out either. i held it in and it hurt. it always hurts your chest and throat when you need to cry and you hold it back.

i wish i knew what i was really holding back.

more than a feeling...

there is so much to say about the things ive been feeling and going through over the past week. its crazy how so much can happen and change your life. ive dropped so much of the shit ive been holding up inside and i really shed my skin, i left r behind, i realized a lot about him, i told my mom everything i thought and feel like i broke some sort of barrier with her, and then last night was the icing on the cake. realizing the life i thought i always had just waiting for me, wasnt. its like my identity is lost. who am i if im not the person ive always been? ive always identified myself as melissa from philly who was into hardcore, sxe, then partied hard, then moved to cali, then graduated temple, then partied, go out dancing, and just having fun in the city....all of those were me. they were my life, but im now forced to start making a new life. not that i havent done that already, but somewhere in the back of my mind i didnt realize thats what i was doing. i was just doing what i had to do, living this life, but i never identified myself as it. but the reality is that it is me, this is the me, this is the me im letting just go on everyday waiting for the other me to come back, but shes gone man. gone. and she has been gone, but i just never believed it. i thought she could come back, but shes not. shes dead and gone. so now its time to live in the now and accept me for me. accept this is my life, and what im doing. not that i havent before, but just on a different level than i ever have before. its a weird feeling. so freeing, but so so scary too. its refreshing to realize i dont have anything to answer to, or to be. i can be me and do me, all the time now.

when i was out with t and k it was so weird, we all had nothing to talk about until other people came. we sat there in silence for a lot of it, and i tried to teach them dice and k was into it but t wasnt. t treated me like i was crazy for wanting to play dice, like it was so uncool. but thats who i am, i go to the bar and throw dice, and i have friends who do that with me and love it and love me for it. they dont love me for me. they dont even love the old me, its more a habit i think than anything else. like we all are clinging to one another because we remind each other of who we used to be. its just all so weird. i feel like i havent even really settled into the idea at all. i bet i will when im back in california though. this whole thing kinda makes me not wanna come home for thanksgiving, but then i realize that i just dont gotta do those things. i need to make my coming home better and different. hang with the family and a few friends and thats it. i dont know, i dont feel like typing anymore..more to come later i guess.

its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday,....

man tonight i got wasted, so wasted. i drank so much whiskey straight and thought i was okay, i honestly think now im okay when i know im not. im so drunk still. my night was horrible. when im home i dont show me off, i show the old me off, i live in the past when im in philly, its just weird. i think the people are the same, the things are the same, and the life is the same, but its not. i live a totally different life, and i guess i expected other people to live the same life with me out of it. it was wrong of me, and im glad i recognize it. i never realized it before, and i feel like such an idiot about the whole thing. this whole weekend has made me realize how much of an idiot i am about a lot of stuff. that whole r thing, man im a fucking idiot. i seriously believed him and all he said to me, and i held onto it so much, i guess i just wanted the good out of it, i wanted to believe that this shit was true, like i wanted to believe i could come home and live the same life i did before. its not happening and i realized it tonight. i always thoug tthat part of me still was there, it would always be there, but its not, its dead and gone and it happened right before my eyes and i didnt even notice, i guess i didnt want to notice. but ive been gone a long ass time and should have seen it. but home aint the home i left at all. and everyone else knows that but me, i feel dumb about it all to be honest, i wrote tara and kerri and said sorry, but i got no response i dont know what i was expecting either. penance? forgiveness? a free pass? an oh its okay, no worries? i guess so but im not getting those and probably wont either, they are both probably hating on me so much right now. but i know i shouldn't worry, because its part of the process, but i do. i worry a lot. but im still drunk and need to go to sleep. night

its good to be here..

man when i was flying over philadelphia tonight my eyes teared up, i was so utterly happy to be landing in my hometown. this place hold so much for me, and i never ever forget it. ive lived in california for 3 years now, and every time i think of home, it has the same great feeling it alway did. over those 3 years ive kept in touch with the majority of my friends, (thanks to facebook) and on the phone, i talk to my family regularly and feel pretty up to speed on life back here. i guess i feel like im on some extended vacation sometimes. its weird because the place i live in in cali is so home to me, i made it mine. its all me up in there, but im starting to feel detached from it all. im feeling like its holding me back. that place was a place of solitude and healing, and now i feel ready to start moving on from those feelings and start my new life. my newly found awesome life that im going to make for myself. but i wish i knew where i wanted to move to. i want to move back east for sure but i jsut dont know where yet. i know i will figure it out.

i feel like this trip was so needed and so in my destiny, i cant explain it but i feel like a lot of people need me here and i need them too. jenni, tara, nikole, aunt lisa, my grandmom, my mom, my niece, my sister i feel like me and r really need to close this thing up too. its weird he was the first person i really wanted to see when i was landing. i was thinking of all these ways to see him, i even drove by the bar we all used to hang out at hoping he was there. i wanted to walk in and surprise him, and then hang out with him, and make plans to hang out this week and just have things be cool. i wanted so much, but its weird since i felt like i let him go, i let those feelings go away and i have felt good about it until i was landing, and could see him. i dont know if i did all that in cali to help myself heal and feel like a free woman, but its weird i still do feel like a free woman and like i can go over there and hang out and maybe have sex, but it doesnt matter, because im not gonna get all tied up in that again, i know where we stand, i know we arent meant to be, so why not just have fun? maybe i am tricking myself, but maybe im not. he probably wont even want to hang out with me, so its whatever. he did invite me to hang out tomorrow, so i might try to do that if nikole isnt into hanging out, but im sure she will be. shes not gonna want to be hanging out alone, but maybe she wont be either. i dont know im leaving it up to the fates. whatever happens, happens and is meant to be that way.

this trip is fated for sure..

is this growing up?

man i really feel like im going through such an emotional and important time in my life these days. i feel like im really tapping into those things that i never really thought about before, like women and the importance of them. also racism and how fucked up it was and is still. i cant believe that people still think of black people as less than them, or women for that matter. im really tapping into the fact that im a woman and women are strong. women have been through so much, but they always care, they always look out for other people and love them no matter what. women put up with so much bullshit over the years from men, esp white men. what gave anyone the right to be better than anyone else? where did this all come from? its so fucked up. i feel that its important that ive been thinking about this, and movies that i happen to stumble upon to and decide to watch have these themes. i obviously am supposed to be in this frame of mind. im meant to be looking deeper into these topics, for some reason or another. maybe its to find my inner woman, and my inner woman strength, maybe its to overcome diversity or something along those lines. to feel that everyone is equal and not to ever judge someone. who knows but either way its a huge in my life right now.

i feel like there is a lot going on inside me that im not even noticing really. but its taking a toll on me and my psyche. i feel trapped in this weird place similar to purgatory, where its not good and its not bad, it just is. im making all these big moves, an statements and trying to really control myself and my thoughts. lately ive been so concerned on whos working where, and why im not involved, or who was talking about me, or why and then i have to stop myself and say who gives a fuck. it doesnt matter, its not you. it has nothing to do with you really, just because you think it is, doesnt mean it is. so get over it. who cares if people talk about you, you are doing your thing and living life the best you can. your watching out for yourself, and what makes you feel the best in the situation. you are no longer dealing with things you dont want to, or people you dont want to. (to an extent of course) you are really watching out for yourself and its amazing. i never have done that in my whole life, and it feels awesome. there are all these things i want to do, and how i want to live my life, and im trying to do them. why wait? why put things off? for what? why not read that book instead of watching tv? why? why why why why? i dunno the answer to that particular question yet, but i will stop with the tv and pick up a book one of these days. i feel like a different person, i wonder if people around me feel the same way. i wonder if thats why im losing people left and right. is it ok, is this whats supposed to happen?

is this growing up? i guess so.