lonesome tears, i cant cry them anymore...

im sick and it sucks. i really dont want to be sick when i go home, but i have this uncanny feeling im gonna get sick and get sick bad there, so im trying to change my perspective and be positive and just take good care of myself this week. im semi pretending im not sick at all, its weird it goes in and out, one minute ill be sneezing all over the place and then my eyes burn and im soooo sick, but then 10 minutes later it clears up and im ok for like 20 minutes. weird right?

as for the greg thing, well thats another story. after our craziness we talked the next day and both said sorry. i was kind of an asshole to him and i realized we both got mad issues and we both need to work on a few things and decided to slow it down a lot! we went too fast and the good thing is both of us realized it. i dont even know why im still talking to him, any other person id be out like shout, but i feel like i cant give up on him. i told him a lot about myself that night, i delved deep into the serious shit about myself. today i was supposed to hang out with him and watch the game, but he had other things to do, and i partially think he wasnt ready to hang out with me as much as i wasnt ready to hang out with him. i think i need my space from him, i semi dont want to hang out with him again until i get home from philly. give us like 2 weeks to chill out and for him to get into his new groove of his house and new job. when i talked to him today we talked about us and i said i just want to hang when we are supposed to, and he agreed and then told me that he knows all the pressure was his fault and he was sorry. he totally realized where he went wrong, and it was really nice to hear. i told him i still have some bruises from that night, and that i was sure he did too, he agreed. we both need to heal from that. the one thing that freaks me out is i was just talking about what i needed and he freaked, granted he didnt freak about me or my needs, but i need to accept that a bit more and be okay with it.

i think something at home is going to make or break me and greg. more likely make us, but i think maybe something has to go down with r. i need to finish off the cut from him, and im not sure what it will take but its coming, i feel it. i mean we are 98 percent done, but not 100 and i needs it to be 100 before i can give myself to someone else.

im tired of fighting for a lost cause..