more than a feeling...

there is so much to say about the things ive been feeling and going through over the past week. its crazy how so much can happen and change your life. ive dropped so much of the shit ive been holding up inside and i really shed my skin, i left r behind, i realized a lot about him, i told my mom everything i thought and feel like i broke some sort of barrier with her, and then last night was the icing on the cake. realizing the life i thought i always had just waiting for me, wasnt. its like my identity is lost. who am i if im not the person ive always been? ive always identified myself as melissa from philly who was into hardcore, sxe, then partied hard, then moved to cali, then graduated temple, then partied, go out dancing, and just having fun in the city....all of those were me. they were my life, but im now forced to start making a new life. not that i havent done that already, but somewhere in the back of my mind i didnt realize thats what i was doing. i was just doing what i had to do, living this life, but i never identified myself as it. but the reality is that it is me, this is the me, this is the me im letting just go on everyday waiting for the other me to come back, but shes gone man. gone. and she has been gone, but i just never believed it. i thought she could come back, but shes not. shes dead and gone. so now its time to live in the now and accept me for me. accept this is my life, and what im doing. not that i havent before, but just on a different level than i ever have before. its a weird feeling. so freeing, but so so scary too. its refreshing to realize i dont have anything to answer to, or to be. i can be me and do me, all the time now.

when i was out with t and k it was so weird, we all had nothing to talk about until other people came. we sat there in silence for a lot of it, and i tried to teach them dice and k was into it but t wasnt. t treated me like i was crazy for wanting to play dice, like it was so uncool. but thats who i am, i go to the bar and throw dice, and i have friends who do that with me and love it and love me for it. they dont love me for me. they dont even love the old me, its more a habit i think than anything else. like we all are clinging to one another because we remind each other of who we used to be. its just all so weird. i feel like i havent even really settled into the idea at all. i bet i will when im back in california though. this whole thing kinda makes me not wanna come home for thanksgiving, but then i realize that i just dont gotta do those things. i need to make my coming home better and different. hang with the family and a few friends and thats it. i dont know, i dont feel like typing anymore..more to come later i guess.