paper hearts

i just watched this movie, and im feeling such a love buzz from it. i got it from netflix soooo long ago and several times i meant to return it, but i never did and today something told me to watch it, so i got in bed and turned it on. it was so sweet and real. i really loved how unsure this girl was in love and how she didnt really believe in love at all. she thought she just didnt have it in her to feel any sort of love towards a dude..and then boom! michael cera comes into the picture and they fall in love with each other. it was really really cute and a lot of the interviews that she did were really uplifting and insightful. there are so many different types of love and how to feel about love, and how to recognize it and notice it. and this movie showed all the differences, it was neat. i found myself smiling and laughing, and really feeling for this girl and her new relationship with michael cera. i also thought it was adorable to see these two awkward people getting to know each other, because it is so weird. dates and dating is weird.

i was talking to my friend tibora this morning and she said that she thinks its interesting that im dating butter sober..and i just agreed and then went on with the conversation, but now the more i think about it its pretty fucking cool. ive been so high all the time in every situation with a dude, that it fogs it up for me. i just let my emotions go all over the place and i never really know what i really feel. ive been siked all day about this new thing, but trying to tell myself to chill out about it, and just let it be. i never just let any of it be ever. i always jump right in and fall in love so quickly, and then out of it even quicker. but is that because im always so high when i fall in love? does the weed distract my real thoughts and just let me go with what feels good and what i think i want? there is something to this thing im doing right now that is interesting and i am interested in continuing to see where it goes. i know last night i said i dont see it going anywhere, and maybe i dont. but i am willing to see if anything can come of this, even if i hang out with him for a month or two weeks, im sure i will learn a lot about myself and relationships. but he called me and i was so fucking happy and excited! i had a smile from ear to ear and just felt liked. last night i felt so dissed about the whole kissing thing, but i think tib is right and hes really really shy and nervous, and i never took that into account. i never take those things into account when its me. i always just assume these people are perfect and not human or something. but its interesting to realize that people are people and are nervous or scared, and that maybe i am intimidating to some degree. i know i want to hang out with him a lot more now and i hope we do. i can see us having fun together in whatever we do. i am going to try my hardest to not over think this situation and just go with the flow, because thats what i need to do. i need to just do it. just be me, and just accept me for me, and not go crazy or think about marriage or shit like that, which is what i usually do..and dont get me wrong, i already had a few flashes of those things. but like jenni said i think we can put anyone in those situations that we want. its always the same setting and situation, but its always a different dude in the pic, so why does it matter? there is no need to go there. when and if it is meant to happen it will.

as for today, im just gonna be happy about my amazingly romantic date last night, and live off that good energy.

butterfly(s)

so i went on a date tonight. ive been really wanting to hang out with this person all week, there is something about him i cant describe. i am interested, but not too much. i dont see this turning into anything exciting, or even really going anywhere, but its something to do, and someone to do hahah not that i can right now anyways since i got my period today, but either way down the road i hope to be able to sleep with him and his hot ass surfer body! he is a weird one i gotta admit. hes really really really hard to read. when i talked to him yesterday he was so weird to me, and all like my dad is coming into town and im gonna be busy all weekend blah blah..so i blew it off, and thought not too much of it..but then out of nowhere he texted me and asked me out to dinner, and i was siked, so i went down to meet up with him, and i was sure he was gonna be in jeans and a hoodie or something like that, but i was pleasantly surprised to see his cute style of this knit hat, nice suit jacket and cool button up shirt underneath, with jeans and shoes..his shoes werent so exciting, but they were probably his "nice" shoes. you could tell he knew this was a date, and decided to get dressed nice. im glad i decided as well to get dressed up and do my hair all pretty! his dad was there and was really nice, had good energy and i felt like i was in high school again, it was cool. we went to this one restaurant but it was packed, so i suggested we go on a picnic, i was scared to say that being as though both of us were dressed nice, but he was really into it, so we went to the supermarket and got some premade food and took it up to the beach. there is this really cool spot that overlooks the ocean and there is a ledge to sit on..so we put the food out and ate there and talked and talked and talked for hours. it was cold, but not too bad. the moon was so full it illuminated the whole evening. it was really magical looking to be honest. sometimes the clouds would part and it would be like a flashlight shining down on us, but it was really fucking cool.

i was waiting and waiting for him to make a move, and i knew he would never do it..so i started to do the moves where i got closer and touched him more, and all that, until he said down next to me and put my legs on him and we hugged and started making the moves. it was so sweet and nice. then i decided to go for a kiss, and it kinda put him off a bit it seemed like. but then we had a bit of an intense make out for a little while and here is where it gets weird. he kinda was a shy kisser, and i wasnt really that into it but told myself to just go with the flow and hope we just figure each others kissing method out. and as the make out sess went on and on we got more into the grove, but then it seemed like he wasnt so into it anymore, and just hugged and kissed my forehead and stuff. it was weird. i got the vibe right then that he wasnt into it. and then he checked the time and it was time to go. im not sure what happened, if he was just tired from redoing his house all day with his dad, and it was getting late, or if he was into it and knew it wouldnt go any further, or if i was intimidating to him, or if he just straight up didnt feel it. i automatically thought he didnt like kissing me, it was the vibe i got. it seemed like we didnt really ever find that good flow with each other. but he is kind of shy and maybe isnt a good kisser, i dont know. i know i am. ive been told several times i am a good kisser, and i believe to be one. he wouldnt really open his mouth that much and kinda did the fish thing in and out real quick and i kept going in for full mouth tongue action i think it freaked him out. i dunno..then i go to his house and have to use the bathroom, and then he was like k thanks for hanging out bye! so i dunno i was losing it a little bit, but then he sent me a message on fb saying he had a great time and sweet dreams and xo and such, so i dunno. he sent it like 10 minutes after i left too..im so confused. so so confused.

hopefully we get to hang out again and see what happens then.
ahh dating. how much you confuse people every single day.

dream on...

so i realized that my dreams are a lot more realistic now that im not smoking, but i do wake up foggy and like i smoked an ounce the night before. its just that my dreams are so real, so so real. i had a dream last night that me and my freind were being chased and tryin to hide out, like in the movies, and the dude who was chasing us ran by us but then saw me not hiding out so well, and came in and started to pull us out, but then oddly enough he all had a drink together, and we were at a bar out of nowhere. i got a drink and so did my friend, (who my friend is i have no idea, it was a girl, im assuming jenni) then the dude ended up being my boyfriend, and we were together, and i remember specifically in my dream thinking why am i dating this dude who was chasing us and trying to kill me? its so weird. then we flash to us in a trader joes, me and all my friends and there was a recording studio going on in the back and my friend jon was there recording, and my first boyfriend dominic was there and was leaving with stacey grande and her boyfriend, and i was being super weird..like bouncing all over the place and dominic thought i was crazy, so he was leaving with a mic he lent jon. thennn me and jenni were standing there, and nicky rolled up because we were at matts art show, and he walked up and jenni went to me, he turned around didnt he? and i was like yup, it was like real life. he went and talked to someone else, then was like hey jenni i heard you were in la this weekend, and didnt even hit me up, and you were like sorry man, and i asked him which part of town he lived in and he never answered because i woke up. how fuckign weird? i never remember so much detail, or have such vivid dreams.

im getting really annoyed with b lately, i wish i knew what switched inside me. i was so into it, and then boom! i go to la and im over it, like over it. but i just feel different all together really. i feel like a huge switch was turned off or on inside me and im a new woman. like all things in the past that werent set in stone are out. same with r, i talked to him the other night, and didnt even care about one word he said to me. it was all bullshit. it was all the same drama he always was talking about, just to talk i feel like. hes so concerned about the future, i feel like its so he can complain and get sympathy or something. but i didnt do it, i told him he will regret spending so much time thinking about the future that he wont get to really live his present. then i signed off. he is a waste of my time. i guess im starting to think b is too. he just talks about the same shit too, about how he is, or what he thinks or does. and its all negative, its all going nowhere, no change at all. just so closed off from people, and how weird he is, and his relationship with certain parts of philadelphia and how hes going to spend time alone and be weird in philly. it just is annoying me now. i dont know how i ever fell for it. i guess he was my savior from r, and being obsessed with r, but i lead him on. he was my rebound i suppose. wow he really was! he was my fucking rebound!!!! man it makes a lot of sense. i need to stop even wasting my time talking to dudes or getting close to them right now. its a waste of my time and theirs. i think i need to not get so caught up, and just keep that shit on the side, maybe make out a few times and bounce. i realize i have power and i dont need to do what they want, nor do i need to go on dates or feel weird telling them im not interested.

man something switched for reals.

window seat

man im back home and its fucking weird to me. i dont know how to feel i just feel weird. i am home alone, and i am alone again. as much as i usually want this feeling, i kind of hate it. i liked being surrounded by people who love me and i love. i feel sad. i feel lonely. i feel confused and scared.

on my drive up from la to sf, i had an epiphany about my life, and i decided to start this project tomorrow. it is fucking crazy too. it is me doing everything i put off doing. i am spending 30 days sober and healthy. no weed, no drinking, no meat, and everything everything i put off, i am doing. my house will be clean, just the silly things too, like flossing, or washing my face, or stretching all are going to be done. i woke up this morning really scared about it. it is a total fight between me and my willpower. i am going to battle the fuck outta myself. its going to be so hard, i havent taken a more than a few days off weed ever. this is going to be 30 full days of no weed at all. i bet it will get easier through out the month, but the first week is going to be so hard, and its going to be hard to be around people. but i am siked for the result. i want to prove to myself that i can do it. because i know i can, i can do anything i want to do and its a good time to actually show that to myself. i smoke so much fucking weed i dont even know what i think anymore. i think maybe weed has made me confused about a lot of stuff, and it makes me so lazy. i put so much stuff off, because of pure laziness, id rather sit on the couch and get high, then do them. or i act like im tired, which i bet i will be for a while, but its time. its time to buck the fuck up and be who i can be. i have such potential and i dont show it at all. i will be a better person after this whole thing. it will show me so much about myself. i feel like its a great process to go through and deal with. i am going to video record myself and blog about it everyday. maybe even make it a book later. who knows. i need to do something new, because my old ways arent working for me anymore. its time for a drastic change in my life.

fucking a.

bass pumpin under my feet..

so its weird, i feel really annoyed by b today. i havent even really talked to him or anything like that, but i feel annoyed and like i dont like him right now. its weird. i feel so fucking confused on this whole thing. what happend to me? what made me change my mind? it might be because im in LA and there are so many dudes who i look at and their style and tattoos and i get all into them, and i think i want to be with a dude like that. but part of me knows im not meant to be, and i hate it. i would so much rather be with a dude who looks a certain way, but has all the good stuff inside. i feel there is more flava, and more to them or something. like a dude who has style is really important to me for some reason. b dresses kinda dull and is kinda nerdy, but all the stuff about him i do like. am i just finding excuses? why the fuck do i do this? i feel like i will never be happy, the grass is always greener they say, and i think i am forever going to be looking for something else, something that seems more right to me. but what is right? what do i even want? am i just scared? is that the issue here? i wake up everyday and think we are meant to be friends and thats it. always. every single morning. i feel like that means something. they do say the morning you are the most clear in your thoughts, so maybe its true. maybe i do want to be friends with him more than anything else. it just doesnt seem right other wise. i cant see me married to him and sharing that type of life with him but then again i do totally. i can see us living together and all that. its just weird. i feel so weird. and i know im being weird to him too which totally isnt fair at all. but what am i supposed to say? i think we are only meant to be friends, when i havent even been around him to know that for a fact? ughhhh so frustrating.

im a dancer im a dancer im a dancer

i dont even know how i feel right now, but i feel the need to blog something. i feel the need to express myself. i feel weird. i feel uneasy, i feel broke, i feel nervous, i feel scared, i feel relief, i feel anxious, i feel confused i feel cold, i feel lazy i feel hungry i feel i feel i feel

i feel so much all the time, i sometimes like to check out and feel nothing. right now i feel like the middle of those things. i feel so much but yet nothing at all. its like im on a come down all the time. this shit with b is crazy and it makes me feel so many different emotions all the time. i feel so dope about it, then i wake up and get scared again. every day i wake up and say oh my god what the fuck are you doing!!! but then as the day goes on i let myself fall back into it and fall right back into like, love, confusion, etc. its wild. i just want to feel happy all the time about it and have one feeling and feel confident in this situation i am in. he told me today that every body else is going to be jealous because im his best friend and they cant be. its shit like that that gets me that bothers me, it makes me feel pressure, not happiness. is that weird? is that fucked up? i dont even know. its so hard since we live so far apart and dont get to hang out nor know if we will be attracted to one another. its really confusing. i think part of me hides how i feel because of that..also a lot of the songs that remind me of r remind him of me. its weird and makes me feel weird. very fucking weird. r is so special to me, in so many ways and holds such a special spot inside me and he exists in me.

oh my god, im listening to in the flowers by animal collective, which is a song that is me and r 100 percent to me. he made me this video a long time ago to show me his bedroom, and it had this song on in the background, and knowing r, he made it that way..so when i listen to this song i think of him so much, and the lyrics and everything else makes sense. but ive been noticing that b has been listening to it a lot too..and im listening to it now, and listening closely and i know b is listening to it for me! it makes me feel so fucking weird and creepy. i hate it. i think i need to tell b about r. its one of the only things i havent shared with him yet. he knows nothing about r at all. i dotn even think ive mentioned his name once. but i think i have just put r on the shelf since this whole thing has happened to me, but its still there inside me. i feel its so unfinished, so up in the air still, which is weird, because i know r cant give me what i need at all. he doesnt have it in him to give me the love and attention i need. if he did we would be together, end of story. but it doesnt stop me from having these intense feelings for him at all. he fills me up in a way i can not describe, and i know nobody else will be able to do the same thing, and that fucking drives me nuts. why do we always have to not have it all? why cant one person fulfill us in whole? why is there always a piece of us that is with someone else? is it human nature? it is just life? is it just me and the people i know who feel this way or is it everyone in the world? does everyone feel like they can not get 100 percent from their partners? how are we supposed to live happily ever after if we arent fulfilled in full? i dont get it. this question actually has just fucked me up so much.i never really thought about it until now and im losing it. this question is sad, lonely and depressing.

and now i am.

its incomplete without you...

so much family around its wild. i realized all this weird stuff about them all individually lately, and about myself too. i think i havent spent this much time around my family since i was a little kid and we all went up to the mountains. we all have just gone about our lives and done our own things and all are our own people. the thing i realized about myself is that i am kinda stuck up or judgie on certain topics. my aunt michelle is the worst with just normal interactions with people, acts weird, says things she shouldnt, no common sense when it comes to what is proper to say or not to say, and it got me thinking because i kept correcting her, or we all would make faces, but isnt she the free one? its so weird that yet again balance comes into play. its like yes she should do and say what she thinks, but there is a time and a place. i felt bad about being so mean to her, or making faces or feeling annoyed. she was so happy flying all the way cross country to see her nieces play and just be somewhere different. i didnt give her enough credit for any of it. all i did was think about how annoying and white trash she is going to be. i need to learn how to stop judging situations and just let people be, because its all i want. i want to feel non judgement and be accepted for who i am, all the time. these are good lessons for me to learn.

i talked to b last night on the actual phone, and it made a difference to me. i think i could kind of pretend he wasnt real, but once i spoke to him, i felt it all again. it all came flooding back to me. i really am fighting this one, and hard, but somehow i keep coming back to it. i think its because i havent been around him. i think this actually bothers me a million times more than i let on. i dont sit around and think about it though, i just try to go with the flow.

1130pm cont--
so tonight i had some weird conversations about life, love marriage, trust, communication, sex, all those things that relationships are made out of, and it really made me appreciate b. i just felt so lucky to have him who is so openly into me, and communicates it, and want to do cute things for me, and treats me like a lady, and really appreciates me as a person and accepts me, and i forget sometimes that not everyone has this special relationship. even though we havent seen each other or had sex, this is the best i could wish for for this point in our situation.i dont know why i keep questioning this shit, its so obvious and amazing..he told me this morning he feels like the luckiest person in the world because he gets to hear from me everyday. how fucking cute is that? i never have had someone tell me these things, and if they did i didnt know what they really meant or how important they actually were. i have someone who thinks about me all day long, who waits for my texts, and wishes for me to sing them to sleep, so they can dream about me. crazy. the craziest part is i do the same fucking things. i look at my phone seriously like every 20 minutes if not more. i hear his bing, and my heart drops for a second. this has become such a normal routine in my life, and it just feels right. i need to stop thinking so much and just keep going with the flow, because its worked well for the past 7 weeks, why fuck it up now?

silver soul wrecks me. its like getting into a hot tub, like after you just sink your whole body in, how the hot water surrounds you and just makes you melt. thats how i feel when i hear that song.

year of the tiger....rawrrrrr

so today i feel super weird, not like my normal weird, but weird about b. i dont know why. i feel smothered. i partially think its because im in la, and im not in my environment and he represents the me that lives in humboldt which when i am around the city i totally want to forget i live there. i like to pretend i live in the city and i leave it far behind. i try to just be different. when im in cities i realize how much im missing from not being there, and being so isolated in my life. i really think its starting to isolate me too much. i think its making me weird and unsociable, and i hate it. it takes me a while to get back into my rhythm back there, because i live these two lives. i say it all the time when it comes to city life vs mountain life. i need to chill about b until i get back there. everything hes doing is so cute and everything, but i am kind of hating it. well not hating it but just easily annoyed by it. but the weird thing was last night at the club there were all these dudes staring at me and trying to dance with us, and all ic ould think about was that all these dudes are douche-bags and i know they wouldnt get me, like b does. he is all i could ask for in a person but it freaks me out. this is all too good to be true.

marathon (wo)man

last night i was on the phone with b for 7 hours, 7 fucking hours. isnt that crazy? i dont think i have ever in my life talked on the phone for 7 hours in a row. its bananas. it seems unreal and unlikely. i wonder to myself, what the fuck did we even talk about for 7 hours? how did we keep that thing going without getting bored? is this going to continue this way? i kind of dont want it to. i like the funness of not talking so much sometimes too or maybe im just freaking out a little bit today. i woke up and felt scared and unsure of it all, all of a sudden. yesterday i was on cloud nine and today im freaked out a little. the conversation started weird, i felt weird a bit. i was kind of bitchy and he was kinda weird himself. we got into long drawn out talk about the future again, and how he feels like all the stuff he tells me and learns from me he only will share with me for the rest of his life. he never thought he would with anyone, except someone special, and i am it. i didnt realize the intensity of it last night when we were talking, but today i do. hes pretty much telling me, he never planned on being so open with anyone, except the one he would be with forever, and it seems to be me. even though we have only been talking for 6 weeks. what a fucking intense 6 weeks too! they always say if you can make it past that mark, then things are good, and you obviously like one another. and i do believe in some ways i will marry him, and some times i think we will be all good,and then try to have sex and it wont work. it just wont be right. thats my newest fear. because i dont think hanging out will be weird anymore, i just am scared about the sex thing. but i shouldnt worry about it at all. because its so far away, and who knows as of yesterday i was convinced that it would be the most passionate sex ever. so im just crazy. he is everything ive been looking for in one person. everything i ever have wanted he possess. and its funny as i write that i smile, and my stomach did a flip flop and i get giddy inside. so yeah i guess im just freaking out a little bit due to the intensity and seriousness of this all.

today is also a big day for me. i am starting my internship at the commercial radio station here. its the alternative rock station, which is gonna be awesome. but i am scared. its my first "real" job in like 3 and a half years. its scary starting something new. i feel like my life is falling into place a bit, and its just creepy. cause its all new and shiny and im waiting for the other shoe to drop, and i think thats why i freak too, cause there is no shoe anywhere in sight, so i have to make one up. but that was so 09 of me, this is 10 and 10 is different for me. my birthday is tomorrow, and it seems so weird. it doesnt seem right. i usually am so concerned with my birthday and this year i feel like its just gonna come and go and it will be so uneventful. i think really the scariest part about this whole thing is how much its pulled me away from my life here. like i need to get out of fantasy land and back to real life. i need my time at night, i think i need to take it back. but this spell will be broken soon enough, cause im going to la on thursday for 9 days pretty much so i wont have the time to chat so much. it will be a well needed break. i dont want to feel overwhelmed by him and vice versa. i still cant believe im in this situation at all. where did it come from? how did it happen? where is it going? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i dont know, but i know i like it. i know i woke up this morning disappointed that there wasnt a message from him, and i would be bummed if i didnt hear from him all day. i just need to chill the fuck out.

its all going to be okay.

im into techno now...

its so crazy how everyday i question this whole thing, then i talk about it with him and then boom, its okay again. this has always been my problem with dudes, i get weird about something then i run away, and with him i just face him. it may take me a little bit of time, but i just let it out and let go of the weirdness i was feeling and im right back to being super fucking happy and in serious like with him again. he is perfect, and i will not for the life of me understand it if we dont somehow end up together it will make absolutely no sense. this is all the kind of shit that ends you up together. he sent me a package today and i was reading this letter he sent (12 pages worth) and was like butter the whole time. he is so unique and awesome. he is really like nobody ive ever met, and he gets me. he seriously calls me out on my shit and i love it. i realized nobody really does that isnt nikole or jenni. and i think it shows your genuine care and interest in someone when you notice and care enough to call them out on it. its so attractive how interested and excited he is about me. cause i feel the same way, and every time i get nervous or scared about it, i just think of all the awesome stuff i feel about him and it goes away. i love how open we are about everything. we seriously talk about everything, nothing is taboo, im so myself, i dont hide anything, ive never been this open with anyone so quickly and intensely. we talk on the phone or internet for a minimum of 3 hours a day, its crazy. i never get bored, and the hours melt away and nothing else exists during those times. im not even scared of his family finding out anymore, i want them to know so next time im home and we are hanging out its all good. i see it all happening, and im not really scared at all. im really starting to believe that all this talking will overtake anything weird when we see each other, we will be so in awe of each other that it wont matter, we will just be so happy to be together and not even care about appearances or the fact that we havent hung out yet. i dont see it being weird at all. he accepts me for me, he likes me. like likes me for me. all of me. its so different. so different.

ps im into techno now, i listen to drum and bass non stop. well and beach house.

im in serious like..

so tonight was a big night!! he told me "i like you" and i said "i like you too" i know this may sound silly, but i love it! its the best feeling ive had in a long time. to know someone i like likes me, and wants me to know. and says it to me, and acts like a normal person and just tells me they like me, and shows me. i havent had this in soooooo fucking long i am so scared and siked at the same time. i feel like this shit is real, for real. but i am still scared, being as thought we havent been in each other presence yet, but im sort of not worried about it. i bet by the time 2 more months go by i will like him so much it wont even matter. he has gotten to me, the soul deep root of me. hes the first person i dont feel like i have a million walls up, or anything. i want him to know every single thing about me, and i want to know every single thing about him. i told him i feel like the bag is overflowing with things i want him to know, and its true. i was trying to think of my deepest darkest things that i think about, or that are fucked up about me, and ive already told him, openly. without any kind of delay at all. its the weirdest most awesome situation i could ever be in. i really enjoy the feeling of knowing someone is crushing on me, thinking of me through out the day, listening to music because it reminds them of me, or wanting to text me to tell me everything they see..this is stuff i always do with dudes i like, and yet have i noticed them doing it, besides this one. he likes me for me. he likes me for more than sex, or my body, or getting drunk with, or anything. he likes me. the realest version of me available, he wants everything to do with it. its fucking amazing. it came out of left field too which is the weirdest part. i started talking to him on new years day, and that was the day i told myself that i was gonna give up on r. i was done. i was leaving all that in 09 and not bringing the craziness into 2010, and if something came up with him, i would consider it, but i was no longer going to text, or obsess or live my life for him after new years day, and BOOOM!!!! here comes bobby. out of fucking left field. i immediately felt something towards him, i wanted to talk to him since i looked at his music likings, i was interested from the get go, then he imd me while he was listening to my show, or i imd him im unsure, and we talked the whole time i was on the air, then a few days later, then it was everyday. i looked forward to talking to him every day since.

me and nikole havent really been getting along lately. its upsetting to be honest. i feel like we arent communicating properly. i told her about bobby liking me and she was like "oh cool, its so funny its like 15 year olds, oh i like you, oh i like you too, its so silly" i fucking lost it. why did she have to say that? why did she have to put me down like that? it was such a half assed answer, it made me think she wasnt into the idea at all, and she did the same the other night she was at my house and we were talking about it. she kept making fun of me and him and our internet relationship. she doesnt understand how important this is to me, and so we talked about it a little bit and it came down to her being worried about me. i told her no dude has told me he liked me since matt g, and she was like im so surprised and upset that youve been loving r for 4 years and he never told you he liked you. which in turn fucking wrecked me. man i cant believe it either! how could i be so stupid and naive? i am not sure, but either way, now that ive seen what it can be, and how it feels, i will never let anything less happen to me again.

but yay!!! im in serious like!

we parted our lips and reached from inside..

i was in a mood today like no other, i felt so weird. i was so not myself, and felt so out of place. i felt uncomfortable in my own skin kind of. im starting to get worried that all this talking online to b has made me socially fucked up now. like i spend the majority of my night talking to him for hours, and so it kind of leaves me not really having anything to say to anyone else, which is weird because i used to be able to tell the same stories or whatever to kole or jenni, but this is different. this whole situation is different. he is getting so deep into me, i dont know if he is ever going to leave. and i dont even think thats a bad thing. im starting to not be so worried about seeing him in real life. i think its going to be awesome, and i bet we spend every second together, and are super happy..(unless something happens over the next 2 months to change that) today one of my friends told me that she ultimately see me and him as friends in the end because of our fundamental differences, (being as though hes pretty much straight edge and im a huge stoner who drinks weekly) i was thinking about it tonight and i can see it not mattering which is super fucking weird, because im the hugest advocate of never dating a non smoker, because it causes so many issues and stuff, but i seriously think we both like each other so much and for so many other reasons that its not going to matter. we are going to be past shit like that (this is of course if we end up dating) i was also thinking why i think its working out so well is because there isnt sex to mess it up. its my favorite part. there is no weird pressure for kissing or fucking or knowing when is too much or whatever. its all about us, our personalities, and just getting to know each other as people. i already am day dreaming of our hangout session, and its funny because i day dream about that kind of stuff all the time with different people through out the years, and always had these romantic thoughts and just being cute in the city walking around like a happy couple, even if just for a weekend, and its weird i see that with him, but like for real, like really happening. i never really thought i would have it. and hey i might be wrong, of course. i am just going with the flow, and the flow seems to be working out pretty good!!