dance dance dance

words can never make up for what you do...

man i feel so weird, im leaving philadelphia tomorrow morning bright and early and its strange. its like i dont want to leave, but only because i dont want to break this bubble ive been living in. i live in this weird bubble here that keeps me going on, but its not real, its not reality at all. its like this fake world. im home and visiting, but if i lived here it wouldnt be like this i know it. its a weird thing. a lot of it has to do with r to be honest. its like we have these wonderful intense times, but they arent real either. they are based on the fact that im leaving tomorrow. none of it has to be real by any means. it can be what it is, and it can be intense and emotional, but its all not really gonna matter tomorrow, when our worlds go back to the way they were. i wonder to myself if i am still going to talk to him as much, or if our relationship will be the same, or if this trip would have taken away from the dream and fantasy of it all. its weird i feel a bit of both. i feel like i want it to be gone while im away because what difference does it make? i live 3000 miles away, why be hung up on someone who doesnt even live close to me? sometimes i dream of it working out long distance, etc etc, but it wont. i need more, i want more from a person im with. i want to be me and be loved for me, and not feeling weird around dudes. i seriously feel like i fell back into this shitty pattern that i am always in in philly. falling for a dude who doesnt really want to be in a relationship with me, but has this piece of me, so i act like a fuckin idiot and let him walk all over me. i do it for the fix, the drug fix of this person and how they make me feel while im in it. its so unfair to myself and to all the work ive done over the past few years to find full respect for myself and my body, but all that got thrown to the wayside when i came here. i knew it would be like this though, i knew i would try my hardest to spend time with him, and he would fuck around with me and only call me late night, and not let it be real at all, because he doesnt want to feel what it feels like to be real with me. hes scared or honestly just doesnt really have the same feelings as me. which is totally possible, and i am just a fool.

just a fool on a hill....