And it Stoned me...

so last night i had this dream about Stoney. he comes in my dreams a lot actually. every single time it feels real, it feels like we are totally together hanging out. like when i wake up there is no way that was a dream, and im starting to believe that its not. i think he does come to see me. its not just memories, its real, in some world. last nights adventure was us hanging out in a hotel room. i wish i could remember what we talked about. but i know i was super tired and so was he..he was laying on my lap for a while and i was playing with his hair. the next scene was me waking up on some bed, with him and matt in another bed. they were watching tv. matt thought it was weird we were hanging out, so he came too. i feel really bad for matt, only him and marie know what happened in that car that night, and i have a feeling what they told us isnt true. or it may be. it must be so crazy to have to of scene your best friend laying dead in the street. i couldnt imagine the pain that he must feel every time he thinks about dan. matt is lucky to be alive, and so is marie. im sad dan didnt make it, but everything for a reason. maybe he was taken because he would never stop partying so hard, and end up dead anyway, so this was better for his family, and his memory. he was too good of a person. he always tried to stop doing drugs and drinking. he pulled himself away so many times, but it always chased him. he was strong, but that was stronger sometimes.

i have so many memories with him. the biggest was the drive across country. i wish i was more present during that time, but i was so fucked up. all i wanted to do was talk to matt, and i didnt want to live that adventure. i mean i did a lot but i wasnt so into it. i wasnt really there. the biggest one was when we were on the mountain top in arizona or new mexico..stoney made me get out of the car and climb up with them. it was so beautiful up there, so warm and magical. the sky was so vast, everywhere you turned you just saw sky and more mountain. they were all reddish color and it was unbelievable. he was a good friend of mine. i never in my left felt the pain that i did when i found out he was dead. ill never forget that day. ever. it shook me to the core, i actually fell down, i thought that just happened in movies but it happened to me. the craziest part was i saw it at the news station, i saw the breaking news and wondered if i knew the people inside. and it was my exboyfriend, his new girlfriend and my friend. i still get flashes of the car wreck, but only for a second, which is probably better.

ok im starting to get really sad, and i dont want to. i dont want to be sad, it happend a few years ago, and there is no way to change it, so i need to deal with it. and i like to think of it more positivly, like how awesome it is he comes to visit me in my dreams. i can still hear his voice too. i can see his chip tooth and his crazy ass hair, and see his pumas and how his pants sit in him, and his plain tshirt.

i miss you dan stone. you will always and forever be remembered by me as a good friend, and a good person. i love you always.

make me a mixtape..

so i spent the last three days working on this mixtape i finally just finished. i changed it up and down all over the place more than once. i was never pleased. i still feel a tad bit unpleased, but i realized i just need to stop and finish it. there will be others, hopefully. i made this radical cover, with this picture of a womens legs with louis vitton stockings on, super hot. i glued these two snowflakes on it too, one in each corner. they went really well with the picture. i then glued that onto some cardstock and then glued another picture, and obscure weirdo picture of this dude dressed up as a tree, and one as a wolf. dressed in suits. its too funny. then i wrote the playlist down on a postcard, the postcard has a record on it, and its "good vibrations" from the beach boys..besides being one of my favorite songs, it just looks cool..so i decided to make that the name of the mix..its gonna be fun for the receipant. one day they will get this cool ass cd, they will be forced to listen to it, then a few days later get a postcard with the song titles..its genius i tell you. sometimes i surprise myself with how creative and thoughtful i can be.

im really excited because this is the first thing ive really cared about in a while. it took my thoughts, but not a lot. when i had downtime i sat there and worked on it, but i still lived my life. it was a nice balance, that i usually dont have. im usually so gun ho on stuff that i just jump in, but i realized stopping and taking the time to do it right is the best way. ive learned patience i realized. all good things come to those who wait, its so true.

im excited about who i sent it to as well. i dont know what it is, what its meant to be, or where it will go, if anywhere..but its nice to have a mail buddy and someone to talk to and share my life with. i just gotta make sure i dont get all head over heals before i know what it is. i tend to do that sometimes. i guess overall i feel like im growing up more and more every day. i notice these small things, these differences in how i act and its awesome. this place has really helped me grow into the person ive always wanted to be. im grateful for the past few years of my life (along with them all of course) but esp these past two, i feel like when i moved here novemeber 2006, i am a TOTAL different person. a much healthier, happy, conscious person.

dreams..

i had this super weird dream last night. i was in my grandmoms old house, but it wasnt her house, it was lauras. i was hanging out there watching her dog and sofia together, while they were out and matt t came over and we started making out, we were hiding and going in and out of places making out. it felt so real and so right, we were both so into it. we kept running around the house hiding and stuff. we went into the bedroom which changed into his parents bedroom and we were making out and about to have sex, but i looked up and saw his moms eye. and i freaked out. i started screaming and stuff, i was like ahhhhh your mom shes watching us, she knows!! and i left the room, but i kept saying how weird it was because we had sex in there before and it never mattered. but i think i might have found melanie through astro travel, or at least called her out of sleep or something. its just weird. then laura came home and the dog was lost or something, so i decided to just move out. i started packing all my things, because she was yelling at me, and i just wanted out. i grabbed everything i had and just left. but another weird thing is that matt was moving from seattle to humbldt for me, but i told him not to, and he was moving with me, and we were gonna live happliy ever after. so weird right? or is it?

car crash and heart attacks...

there is this weird energy going around up here lately with car crashes. its so scary. today i got in one, and almost another. i was driving to work and there was this tracker trailer with a "Wide Load" sign on it driving about 10 miles per hour, and i was super late, so i saw it pull over to the side, and thought it was letting me pass, so i start to pass and quickly realize it was starting to make a left hand turn. i was totally impatient and in the wrong 100 percent. my instant karma was that sofia was in the car with me, and she was strapped to her doggy seatbelt, but i guess i had it too loose and she went flying into the dashboard, and fell to where your feet go. she seemed okay so i kept on going.

as we are driving to work with my work buddy in his car, we hit this windy part of the road and hes going kinda fast, (i actually noticed and felt weird saying anyting, in turn lying to myself that everything was gonna be alright, to understand fully refer to my other blog post broken together) so we hit a patch of black ice and go sliding into the embankment. i had sofia on my lap and felt the car lose control and i heard the driver tell me to hold on, but time felt like molasas, it was so weird, it was like i was waiting my eminante situation. either we were gonna be cool, or i was gonna get super hurt. i just helf on to sofia super tight hoping she wouldnt go flying through the window and i just stared. no thoughts either, just stared ahead of me at what we were approaching to hit. finally impact! not too bad, could have been a lot worse. all that happend was the tire got stuck and lost air. it happend to be like 10 degrees outside, but we roughed it and luckily another worker was on his way and came by to help out. they didnt have the right tools so me and sofia went with him to work. the other guy waited for aaa to come and they hooked him up, he came to work and all was well. he drove me home, no problems.

but heres the thing. i feel weird about it in some weird way. im not sitting around thinking about it, wondering what would have happend, or what could have happend. i just feel weird from it. kinda blank. i hadnt gotten in an accident since i worked at toner in like 2000, and i got rear ended. this was my first like going head first into something. i think this is a lesson for me to start driving slower, and more carefully. i feel like everything right now is a sign. i feel like all this crazy ass shit is happening to me to teach me lessons that i need in the near future. i am trying to head all these warnings and take them seriously and keep in mind what i plan to do with my new lessons learnded. i kinda feel nausous, either from the dark room and just the computer light, or im still shook up from todays craziness. either way im out.
peace