its good to be here..

man when i was flying over philadelphia tonight my eyes teared up, i was so utterly happy to be landing in my hometown. this place hold so much for me, and i never ever forget it. ive lived in california for 3 years now, and every time i think of home, it has the same great feeling it alway did. over those 3 years ive kept in touch with the majority of my friends, (thanks to facebook) and on the phone, i talk to my family regularly and feel pretty up to speed on life back here. i guess i feel like im on some extended vacation sometimes. its weird because the place i live in in cali is so home to me, i made it mine. its all me up in there, but im starting to feel detached from it all. im feeling like its holding me back. that place was a place of solitude and healing, and now i feel ready to start moving on from those feelings and start my new life. my newly found awesome life that im going to make for myself. but i wish i knew where i wanted to move to. i want to move back east for sure but i jsut dont know where yet. i know i will figure it out.

i feel like this trip was so needed and so in my destiny, i cant explain it but i feel like a lot of people need me here and i need them too. jenni, tara, nikole, aunt lisa, my grandmom, my mom, my niece, my sister i feel like me and r really need to close this thing up too. its weird he was the first person i really wanted to see when i was landing. i was thinking of all these ways to see him, i even drove by the bar we all used to hang out at hoping he was there. i wanted to walk in and surprise him, and then hang out with him, and make plans to hang out this week and just have things be cool. i wanted so much, but its weird since i felt like i let him go, i let those feelings go away and i have felt good about it until i was landing, and could see him. i dont know if i did all that in cali to help myself heal and feel like a free woman, but its weird i still do feel like a free woman and like i can go over there and hang out and maybe have sex, but it doesnt matter, because im not gonna get all tied up in that again, i know where we stand, i know we arent meant to be, so why not just have fun? maybe i am tricking myself, but maybe im not. he probably wont even want to hang out with me, so its whatever. he did invite me to hang out tomorrow, so i might try to do that if nikole isnt into hanging out, but im sure she will be. shes not gonna want to be hanging out alone, but maybe she wont be either. i dont know im leaving it up to the fates. whatever happens, happens and is meant to be that way.

this trip is fated for sure..