signs signs everywhere are signs...

Friday, Oct 30th, 2009 -- Although you thought you had a particular problem already licked, today you realize that there's still work to be done now that the situation is progressing. You can make real gains, but you'll need to overcome your own negativity by considering your long-term goals and not just what must be finished before the weekend. Your current happiness depends on finding a balance between the present and the future.

there seriously are signs everywhere. i have been freaking out over this whole greg situation and tonight i feel like i had some break throughs. and then reading my horoscope for the day really was the final kicker. its telling me right there everything i think i need to know. i just needed to put this up to be a reminder to myself to slow down and find the balance between now and later, because like jenni said, this is the best time, this is the foundation, and this is the only chance we have to go through this, so enjoy it. and im going to try.

awkward nights...

so i went to the mos def show tonight, which by the way fucking sucked. well he was hot and sounded good, but he seriously came out at 130 and played for only 20 minutes and half of it was him rambling on and on about some shit, you could tell he was uber blazed and over all it was whack...so not to mention i worked all day, rushed home to watch the phillies, tried to relax to go out because i knew greg would be there and got myself together and got high and went out. but when i got to the show it was super fucking packed with weird people and i was having the beginning signs of panic attacks, it sucked but luckily we got a table and could chill out until mos came on..so besides that, i had yet another weird interaction with greg..

when i first got there, i saw him in the crowd, but i ducked out. i wasnt ready to face it yet, i didnt have a spot, i didnt know where my friends were, so i just ducked and ran. after i got settled, i was still super nervous and like making myself crazy over it, so i decided to text him, but my texts werent working, long story short i finally got a hold of him and met him out front to smoke a blunt. it was him and his friend and it was sooooo weird soooo fucking weird i took a hit of the blunt and it tasted weird and i freaked quietly inside my brain and luckily he asked me to go somewhere else with him. he then tells me he ate some mushroom honey or something and was feeling it. so then we get alone and we are just standing there and its sooo weird, and he goes i hate how weird this is when we are together, and i go me too!! it sucks so bad, then we hugged, but then he wanted to go back inside, which is the last place i wanted to be, so blah blah blah, weird interaction and overall im just scared things wont ever be normal between us. what if we just dont fit? its weird how i never thought that as a possibility at all. after i realized he was perfect, it was kinda like well thats that, but now im starting to second guess myself, which blows i really didnt want to go there. i didnt want to feel insecure or scared of things not working out, its going to pull me away so quick and i hate it. the good thing is we talk about it, but i just dont know how we are gonna get past it. its all him, all of it. so he needs to fix it or hes gonna lose me. and quick. i wish i had time to write more, but i need to go to sleep and go to work tomorrow morning.

goodnight.

in an instant, i remembered everything...

tonight i had a pretty big breakthrough with greg. ive been worried that things werent going to be more relaxed, because i feel like hes a little uptight, but i know hes not deep down inside but he has been with me, and that makes me feel weird and uncomfortable, so tonight i brought it up and it was so smooth and nice to just be able to talk about stuff so openly. like we are so on the same page, and told each other that we liked each other and that we both see this actually going somewhere and everything and he told me he knows he has a shield up but it has nothing to do with me, and he knows it will come down soon, and i agreed, and then things felt a little bit more relaxed..its also been hard because weve just been talking on the phone, but i think its good too. he says hes not really into talking on the phone, and i really think im gonna bring out some parts of him that has held back and vice versa for me too. im really excited about it all actually. i think this is going well and perfect. i also told him i like that its going slow and hes not giving me everything right away, because he wants to get to know me and he agreed..i guess we both just agree on a lot of stuff, and are so honest and open. i told him that he filled all my requirements and more and it felt good to say that. at first i was worried that i was saying too much, but then i realized that i wasnt. i was going with my gut and it was perfect. he talks about the future a lot and plans for us next summer and as much as it semi freaks me out, i like it too. its nice to know that someone wants to spend time with me, and wants to for a long time. its just so comfortable with him, i told him that im not worried about stuff with him that i usually have been, i just know its all gonna be okay, and he said he felt the same! its so nice, i feel like it takes off so much pressure, to actually just be on the same page. i have a feeling there is a tiger inside him that im gonna really be into when it comes out. i look forward to that happening, and im no longer worried about sexual side anymore either. i think its all gonna be great and passionate. i was worried that it would be sloppy and awkward, but i feel like after our talk tonight things just are going the way they are supposed to.

yet again, i am happy. i am even a bit smitten

equality for all in relationships...

so i talked to greg on the phone tonight, and it was awesome. we really got through that hard awkward period, and even talked about it which is cool, and i told him i really liked how weird our date was yesterday..he agreed..we talked tonight about so much, life, and how we both kind of had the same loveless childhood, and dont really know how to accept peoples love and help, and so i think thats really good for us to have met, because its nice to have someone know exactly why you are weird or quirky about stuff especially relationships. i just feel like this dude gets me, like i said before he checks off all my requirements. hes motivated and told me he likes me and i told him i like him, so hopefully next time things will be less weird and more natural. im glad we talked on the phone, it was more open and honest. i wasnt scared to say anything, and i let myself be put out there a bit, but not too much and i feel like he did the same. in some ways, hes kind of hard to talk to, like hes kinda straightish, but yet not at all. its a weird combo, so there are theses weird awkward silences where i feel like i need to fill in, because hes nervous or something. its all pretty cute though. we had some good laughs, and he has good stories. hes a bad boy at heart, but is older and more mature, which is so perfect for me. i really can see this going somewhere, i dont know where but somewhere. we both pretty much feel like fate put us here, and are going for it. i hope that the kissing is all good, i think it will when the time is right. i can imagine it being pretty intense, because i think that we both feel like we are giving ourselves up to the other person, in the best of ways of course. meaning like im gonna really let my guard down and try to make this a relationship, and i feel like he is too, so its like putting it all out there, which will lead to way intense shit. either way im way siked on this whole thing, im excited to see where it goes..i have a feeling i know some of his friends, and that will be interesting. (he just texted me and said hes really enjoying getting to know me, and will be thinking about me) how fucking cute is that? its so crazy to have someone actually like me for me, and me like them back. i know it sounds so elementary, but i feel like i never had it like this. it always had some sort of weird situation, with an ex, or not calling me, or some sex that ruined it, or me trying to make it work..this is different, this is just natural and equal, which is the most important thing to me. ive been looking for equality in dating and i got it. i really feel like i got exactly what i asked for.

im happy.

one of the greatest first dates...

its funny because even thought it was a great date, it was clumsy, awkward and weird at times, but thats what i love about it. it was so perfect, hes so perfect..hes the right amount of me, mixed with the right amount of what i need..i loved it. hes respectful, good looking, interesting, an individual, caring, honest, communicates, has a little bad boy background, disciplined, adventurous, spontaneous, hes the perfect piece to the puzzle. and he didnt try to kiss me at the end! which is sooo perfect, and i know that seems weird, but it was just so right. a kiss would have been forced and weird. it wasnt the mood of us at that point, we were still just talking and getting to know each other, there is no room for kissing yet. we arent there yet, but we will, im sure of it. i bet we have at least 2 more awkward dates before a good kiss moment comes, but when it does i bet it rocks my world. i totally see him as my guy, i thought it the first time we met, and im sticking with it. there is nothing bad i can say about him at all, which is fucking weird. there is no well he does act like this, or say this, hes just perfect. im happy, but its weird because im not all jittery cant wait to see him again happy, im just contently happy, because i KNOW i will see him again and then it will just be. its comforting in a way, its a feeling i like. i know he can take care of me, and wants to..he told me that hes trying to ignore how beautiful i am, so he can concentrate on getting to know me, how romantic is that! i love that a dude thinks im beautiful and also wants to get to know me, and wants to wait to kiss me, its just so perfect. i look forward to our next date!

worries worries worries...

oh my god im so hungover today..i woke up and had the worst feelings ever at like 8am, then slept till like 1130 and felt better, but then i tried to eat and feel like shit..it would be a great day to lounge around the house and do nothing, but this new dude greg called me and asked me to hang out, and so im going to do that, but i dont really feel 100 percent yet so im trying to kill time to just feel better before i jump in the shower and attempt to find a cute outfit..im also worried, because i have this idea of him in my head, and when i talked to him on the phone he seemed so dorky or something. he was very straight sounding, like all military or something haha but i know im supposed to think that, because supposedly the next dude im gonna meet according to my psychic is that hes gonna be a bit more straight laced then im used to, and if it was even a year ago i wouldnt pay an ounce of attention to him, but its the kinda guy that is better for me, a guy that will treat me with respect and honor and its totally what i need. so i guess im just feeling nervous about it. but i should just go back to the me that says if its meant to be it will, etc etc..its good he lives so far away, because we wont just hang out all the time, it will be random and i will still have my space and time to myself to keep myself, that is of course if we hit it off today or not. i just need to remember to be myself and not act like a weirdo but its gonna be hard because i feel like shit!

on another topic, im worried about me and my drinking. its weird i dont drink everyday or anything like that, but when i drink ive been getting so drunk i dont remember the night before and i do dumb shit. like last night i went to go to my friends wedding reception so i had some champagne, then went out with some other friends and drank more and more its like i dont know when to stop or something, but i do too, its weird. i stop when i feel too drunk, but i guess its after i should have stopped, and ive been telling myself to only have one drink and then just chill, but i never remember that and just go for it! so i think i need to stop drinking all together. i need to become clean or something..ive thought about going to aa or something, but im so not into that idea. i think i can do this myself, i need to make sure i remember all the craziness. like last night i made out with this dude, who ive been checking out for a while, but i dont even know why i did. hes too young and dumb and just wanted to fuck..i didnt let him because i had my period, but i wonder if i would have if i didnt. my normal brain says no way would you, but who knows what my drunk brain would think. im starting to think about my liver, and my blood and everything its like my legs hurt when i drink or when im hungover they tingle, and i was a little shaky this morning. its scary. im really starting to scare myself. i do also get all tough and yell and be an asshole when i drink, im totally turning into a bad drunk. ugh i hate it. but i cant focus on the negative, i must stay positive and tell myself that next time i wont do it. i need to stick to the weed for now, but even that has to go. ive been having problems at the gym being able to breathe when im doing certain cardio. that scares me too, esp since im getting older and my body isnt reacting the way it used to with stuff.

well i better go get ready for my date!

no title...

listening to yourself on the radio when your not there is quite weird. but yet cool at the same time..i love technology its so wild..

anyway i wish my technology of my phone would ring or beep a text from that dude greg. actually i dont know why im being so weird about this whole thing, i know that he is going to call when he has the time to, and if he doesnt then fuck it, its no lose..but im gonna be honest, i really feel like this dude is gonna be my boyfriend. there is just something inside me that is so sure about it, and its weird because i feel like maybe ive said that before, or whatever, but this time its kinda different, it feels like its just a fact, like there is no question and the weird part is i dont even know him. i seriously hung out with him for maybe an hour and half the time was with my friends, so i dont know why i feel this way, i just do. he just seems right for some reason. i suppose i will find out sooner or later. but i do feel like im in that weird zone of do i make the first call/text or wait for him to? my first thought is well if i dont call him then he might forget about me, or he might think im not interested, but then my brain kicks in and goes umm if he wants to get to know you he will call no matter what. and thats the bottom line. if its meant to be it will be. i cant go chasing it around anymore, if its gonna come its gonna come.

on other fronts, r texted me with some bullshit last night about if i dont want him to text me or write on my facebook, he wont..and it annoyed me so bad, its totally his game with me, he knows he lost me so hes looking for any excuse to talk to me, rather than just talking to me..either way hes out i cut him off from me, so fuck it. i wrote him back and told him he was being dramatic and if he wanted to text me to do so, because we are friends and nothing more so there is no reason to read into anything blah blah and all he wrote back was "my bad" so whateves, im not playing this game with him. i feel really good about that..

mos def is playing a surprise show up in humboldt and im pretty siked. it sucks that its on a day i have to work and have to work the next day too, but i think it will be worth it. im tired of working, im tired in general. i need a few days to just chill, because i have a feeling that the next year is gonna be crazy busy i think good things are coming for me, and im way siked.

hopped up out the bed...turn my swag on...

i feel like a million bucks this morning, i had a wonderful night last night..
1-the phillies are the nl champs, world series baby
2-i finally got my period yesterday and im so happy it finally came after 2 weeks of pms
3-im back in my gym phase, very happy about that
4-i did all the work i needed to do yesterday
5-it was terras bday and i was having a night with the girls
6-i saw ghostface killah last night and he winked at me when i offered him the blunt, pure bliss
7-i met a nice guy, whos cute and easy to talk to

one bad thing is that i came home and sofia had peed on my bed now this is a problem. i think its based on the fact that my dad left her to spend a whole night alone in my house while i was in seattle, and last night i didnt get home till 2am, so i think she was scared and anxious. im so mad at my dad for that, i kind of cant get over it.

anyway back to the good stuff, so this dude. his name is greg. i got to town earlier than my friends, so i was gonna just sit in my car and smoke, but decided to go have a beer instead, i knew it was pint night so i brought my phillies pint and found my way in the bar. i was gonna sit closer to the door, but decided to go towards the end of the bar, there was a small space between dudes, so i just stood there..we both glanced at each other, but i ignored him a bit..then my friend mike the bartender came out and gave me a hug and a barstool, so i sat down. i ordered a beer and chilled for a minute..after a few sips dude talked to me, and we had a pleasant conversation. i knew i had to leave, because i kept getting texts from the girls, but i didnt want to leave him, so i brought him along. he met all the girls, and got along well with them. he chilled with us for a while, but we had to go to the show. so we all went to go smoke a blunt and hung out, and then me and him exchanged numbers and there was a moment where i thought he was gonna try to kiss me, but i didnt really let him. i just hugged and walked away with a cute smile.

i thought about him all night, and this morning. i was going to text him and see if he was still around or not, but i just wanted to wait and see what happend instead. im going to let this one be natural. he lives 45 minutes away from here, but i think its only for the summertme, so he should be back around these parts soon enough.

im siked.

looks like its gonna rain again..

im feeling really sick of the internet and facebook lately. i feel like i dont want to know anything about any of these people anymore..do i even know them? nope. not most of them, i know who they are on the internet, but in real life i wouldnt hang out with 98 percent of them. so why am i even on there? when i ask myself this question, i say boredom really is the answer. or i guess i felt like it kept me connected to philly and my friends there, but ive been realizing i only got a few friends there, and i talk to them on the phone, so why am i on this thing? i think im gonna stop posting on there. but im so addicted, when i say that my heart hurts, and my stomach drops, which totally means i need to fucking stop it. ive been really changing a lot lately and it feels really good. i even have thought about changing my cellphone number to a california one, but i dont know if its needed or not. i feel like ive had that one for the old me, and i need a new me number to start fresh, not have the energy of that phone number, the people ive called or texted over the years, the weirdness of my life was documented on that phone number, it was who i was in philly, but as its been shown to me, its not me anymore. i am me now. i like the me now too, i am confident, honest, proud, i dont take anyones shit, i know what i want, and i do what i want, i dress how i want, and i listen and say what i want. its wonderful, so freeing. i never knew life could be so good. all it takes is not giving a fuck and having faith in yourself and not letting other people tell you what you should or shouldnt do, feel, or say. we all have it inside, just not everyone is ready or wants to do so..

in this quest, ive found such joy that i want to share it with everyone, and empower everyone i talk to and make them see their worth and what they deserve and respect, since i found my power..but the thing is i think im coming off preachy, like natalie said. i dont know if im getting through, or picking the wrong time, or wrong way to go about it or not. i dunno, all i want is for everyone i love to be happy and do the best they can do and enjoy everyday and not worry about drama, or bullshit..but its not for everyone. not everyone is ready, and i need to remember that more often.

chachachachaaaangess

i am totally in a state of change. i want everything to be different. i want different cell phones, clothes, car, decoration, facebook, seriously every thing in my life i want to be completely different. start a new per se.so i decided to start slow and change my room around. i realized i fucking hated the thing that held my clothes, i havent had a bureau for like 4 years now, so i went to target to go purchase some new items to spruce up my house and bedroom a bit. i changed the location of my bed and put a small dresser in the closet, bought a 5 shelf bookcase but while putting it together realized it is really for 2 people to put together, it even says it on the instructions..so what is a single gal to do? i decided to just use half of it. while putting it together i realzed i could get a 3 shelf bookcase, so i used it, i put all my clothes on it and used the other half very ghetto style, but it works. both actually work in my room. the thing is i just dont know if this is the way it should be set up. im against the bathroom wall and can actually look into the living room from my bed, and i dont like that. i want my room to be my room, when im in bed i want to be in bed. so i guess im gonna have to change things around again. but there is so much space in here now with the way it is, the bed is kinda out of the way and not the center piece anymore, and i like it like that. but we will see im gonan give it a couple days. thats my new thing, giving all my new things a few days to adjust. it almost worked with my new cellphone, but i still feel like im lacking something with it, and so i say fuck it. im moving on and getting a new one tomorrow. returning this shit and hooking up with a new blackberry!

thats all i got in me