don't you know its different for girls..

your all the same.

i have so much drama from past dudes that fuck with me all the time. some dudes who always are around and fucking with my emotions, dudes who totally left, dudes who are still semi around and make me realize why we arent together, but i still have feelings deep down for..dudes who totally lied to me, and strung me along knowing right well they werent going to do anything with me ever, and this has all been going on for about 8 years..i have 8 years of guilt, regret, hurt, love, love lost, sadness, anxiety, pressure, feelings of me not being good enough, insecurities, doubts, walls up greater than i could ever imagine. how i do get rid of this? i dont i suppose. i guess the idea is to get over it, and move on with new people and have new experiences, but how the fuck do you do that? how do you let all that go and give yourself to another one? how do you trust that it wont happen again? you dont is the real answer. you never know, you just have to go for it and do it. and this time will be different, even if it is the same. you will learn something, but its so fucking hard to tell yourself, yea go for it, it may hurt you again, and you may end up alone again but fuck it go for it, try it out, your pain will subside again like it did last time, just do it. openly jump into a situation that will hurt at some point. i feel like its our only option in life. we have to keep trying forever to better ourselves, and be the best person we can be, and how can we do that if we dont try new things just because of fear? i am a strong person whos been through a lot of shit, and i keep forging ahead, but when it comes to love its something that stops me in my tracks. i get a wall thats so thick, i feel like i cant overcome it. i need to just jump over it and knock this wall down that i have up.

last night when i was on the phone with him, i was siked. i was really into it, feeling all cute and smiley and laughing, but as soon as i hung up i totally analyzed the whole thing and was all negative and finding the things i dont like about it. why the fuckkkkkkkkkk do i do that? why couldnt i just stay happy? i have this date tonight, and i cant even imagine it. what are we gonna do? are we just gonna end up back at my house again? maybe if i just try to be chill and get dressed all pretty and treat this like a real date then maybe ill be cool and can get into it. why do i always hate dudes in the beginning of a relationship? its like my test or something. hey if you deal with me being a complete and utter bitch to you for a while and get through it and stick it out you will have me forever! i guess thats true. i need to know they really want to be with me, but why does it have to be such a fucked up process?

kiss them for me i may be delayed..

can't you hear me knockin

yeah you got satin shoes...

i wish to god i wasnt so fucking insecure..i realized that i totally make myself feel crazy and i am a sponge for vibes and shit, and that doesnt always work out in my best interest, because i take it on myself and think its all about me all the time. i am so fucking paranoid i guess. i always feel like some people are mad at me or whatever, and its stupid.i have all this guilt from nothing and its so silly, ugh im being so negative right now and totally need to change it around.

i am feeling insecure in this new relationship that has come my way. it came outta nowhere and moved really really fast and now im scared and insecure. not that im not going through the motions and just seeing what happens, because i totally am, but there is this other shit that happens sometimes or whatever and it reminds me of past dudes that have fucked me over and broke my heart, and i really dont want to go there again. but the thing is he is different, i need to remember that. he isnt those dudes who hurt me before, he likes me and wants to hang out with me. we just need a little space, which im taking this week. im going to go back to my normal life again and squeeze him in somehow, rather than just hanging out with him. i want to live my life for me again. i need to keep me up front and important, because i worked too hard to get where i am to just throw it away in a 2 week stint with a dude. i met his bff today, it was intense. i hope she liked me. i didnt do anything weird, i was just kind of quiet, didnt really talk much, but i didnt have much to say really. terra told me i need to hang out with her in a better environment, and shes right, i totally do. it was just an intense day, and im ready for it to be over and go back to normal life!

sticky fingers is a great album.

the spell is finally broken

i did it! i did the deed that 1 year and 10 months ago i last did and had a horrible panic attack and a terrible situation in front of me..ive lived through these months lonely and bored, and even sometimes forgetting what its like to even feel that way towards somebody else. i totally had myself in this tiny ass box and never let anyone in, or close enough to me to do that..well except that freak aaron, but thats a whole other story, which ultimately ended just as poorly..but this situation is different, its weird because its not like i feel like im going out with him i feel like we are just hanging out and having sex. i sometimes even wonder if he really likes me or how we will even take this to a level thats outside of my home. i wonder what life is like out there with him, will it be weird? is he going to introduce me to his friends? am i going to be that girl who just stands around? what is gonna happen? how is he to wait staff? he is nice and kind? does he make bad jokes? will i be embarrassed by him? will he not want me around? we defiantly have been moving pretty quickly, today i mentioned karaoke and he said what that was like two weeks ago right? i said nope, that was last tuesday, and i could tell that he was a bit freaked out. this has been moving pretty quickly, we are a little too comfy with each other for it to work i think. i think slow and steady is what wins the race, but hey fuck it, this is fun right now and maybe its getting me ready for something else, who knows or cares. well i guess i do. kind of. i guess somewhere in my head i want this to be something, i think it would be cool to have a real boyfriend, but i feel like i cant think that way about this one..it doesnt seem like its what he wants, he doesnt tell me im pretty or even ever compliment me, can i live like that? no. but then i was thinking maybe hes holding back since its been so quick, but i mean we had sex 5 times i think its cool to compliment me. i actually even asked if we were gonna go on our date this week, and he said why do we still have to, we already are doing this..meaning sex, so that was off putting for me to be honest. like why dont i deserve a date? im trying to back off kind of, im glad jon and amy are coming tomorrow, because that means we probably wont have sex again until the weekend, and he is supposed to come hang out with us tomorrow night, but who knows if that will even work out. i dont know what jon and amy are going to want to do..maybe just hang out and get high. but there is no point in him coming over here, if they are here, i dont have a bedroom door, there is no privacy at all in this house!

i dont know what to even think anymore. im just confused, and have never really been in this situation with an open mind like this..i mean i have been in this situation, but i never have my eyes open, i always think oh they are so into me! blah blah and i get all wrapped up, but then i get screwed over or fall head over heels and never notice that they never really liked me in the first place and we were just fucking. i always was so naive, not this time, i am on high alert..this is all good practice. for what i dont know, but for something im sure.

i have the worst sunburn on the front half of my body. it looks funny.

the curse is never broken..

so im a freak, i totally decided im a freak and i think too much and am way in my head too much. i have anxiety like a motherfucker and i dont know how to get rid of it. im so nervous about this new boy, and all the things that come along with it. i have all these questions like is he just into me sexual, does he think i want to hang out with him too much, does he think im smothering him, do i can too much? do i text him too often? is it annoying? am i annoying? is the only reason you deal with my annoyingness is because you know your gonna fuck me next time you see me? are you really tired? do you even want to go out in public with me? am i pretty enough, or just good for around here? do i entice your mind or is it totally my looks and or body? are we moving too quick? is this gonna fizzle out quickly? does it even fucking matter?

i keep telling myself that it doesnt matter, if i just hang out with this dude for a week or two at least i got to have sex and have my body feel good, and get over that, because it was really starting to bother me, it was consuming my thoughts and i just was feeling so out of touch, and then bam! here comes this hot ass dude, who wants to make out with me and wants to have sex with me and my semi skinny body. i have a belly, and i cant get rid of it, but he doesnt seem to mind. is this all too good to be true? is this why im freaking the fuck out? i literally try to think of reasons not to like him, or things that would annoy me and the worst part besides the fact that im trying to sabotage it is that i couldnt find anything. nothing annoyed me, nothing weirded me out, nothing made me hate him. well im not so down with his clothing, but im going to fix that at some point, by buying him some jeans that fit his hot body. anyway, there was nothing negative about him, and the things that i did think or were excused immediately. i really like him and it scares the fucking shit outta me. i am so scared to get fucked over, i am so scared to let myself go and just feel it and feel love or the act of love. im scared to show too much just in case its not what he needs or wants, im scared to lose myself and lose what i do. today i told myself that i need to keep being me, and go along with this shit and hang out when we hang out, but not to think of it too much and just fucking go day to day.

on a lighter note why is the arcade fire such an amazing band? they are so fuckin good.

every spark of friendship and love will die without a home..

i got hit so hard and didn't even see it coming..

wowowowowowowowow my life is so crazy! i cant believe i met this dude, it is unbelievable! i feel like ive known him forever and ever, we are so comfortable with each other and both seem to be into each other the same, there is no weirdness, its just always so chill and nothing makes it weird..there hasnt been a time ive felt weird in the many hours ive hung out with him so far. its incredible. hes like a gift from the gods! i have been feeling something cool coming on for sooooo long and this seriously hit me sooo fucking hard. i didnt expect anything like this this week. all i did was go to the crabs game and be the odd girl out without the date, and boom! 5 days later and only 1 day not together very very intense and awesome. i feel so lucky to feel so happy right now, this moment. thats how im looking at things with this dude, be in the moment, who cares about a month or a year, it doesnt matter all that matters is right now and getting to know each other and hanging out. weve had some very serious situations happen that could be quite uncomfortable but neither of us acted weird, and so it never got to be weird. i like how honest and open he is, it makes such a difference to just be with someone, rather than wondering what they are thinking. i had my doubts last night, thinking he was staying away from me, but then he told me he saw his recent ex's roommate and i bet he just felt weird so he tried to keep his distance out of respect for her, which i totally am down with. i need to be confident and know he likes me and be get weird. which i think i can actually do this time, i guess when they say when it just feels right its just right, ive never experienced that in my whole life until now and even if this doesnt work out, its cool to have just have felt these feelings.

my cousin brooke's cousin died the other day at a phillies game, and i cant imagine what the fuck that must feel like to lose a cousin so close to you. ive been lucky that none of my family members have died in a long time, and its starting to freak me out a bit knowing that could happen at any minute. our lives are so short and precious i really feel like we need to be happy and grateful and appreciate each minute we do get to live. its hard to do too, its hard to always be happy or grateful for your situations, but i always know someone has it worse, always. so heres a list of what im grateful for..im grateful for my life, my family, my friends, sofia, this new boy, a house over my head, food in my fridge,a car in the driveway, work that i make good money at, a whole bunch of clothes and shoes, and hair products and other dumb shit that doesnt really matter..im grateful im into music and im on the radio, and i am able to collect records and actually hear them. im grateful for my body, my arms, my legs, my eyes, my vision, my senses, my heart pumping blood properly, my cells not turning into tumors and getting eaten by cancer, im grateful my moles are okay and i dont have skin cancer, im grateful i have lungs that work and let me exercise, im grateful for my petite body structure and nice hair and eyes and face..im grateful for my talents in art, and writing and music, my ear for music and the intution i have to live in this world, im grateful im a strong woman and have gone through some crazy ass shit, but still am living and am happy, im grateful i didnt actually die from all the drugs ive done in my life and even when i was at my lowest i was always okay, im grateful i never been arrested, or got in real trouble for some of the fucked up things ive done, and witnessed, im grateful ive never been in a real fight, and have not had to feel that pain. im grateful that im alive!!!

that felt good.

papa don't preach..

so a lot of feelings have been coming up around me and my dad lately..it started when my friend was getting upset because he never really taught me how to grow plants and garden properly..he kind of just let me do my own thing, and then the electric in my house is all fucked up too. i just feel like hes never really been a dad to me, and now he is, but hes not. he is my father, but hes not a dad. he never really taught me anything, and always is on my ass about using my degree and all this crap about going to college and using those skills so tonight when i went over there i told them that i got an interview with a radio station around here to be their intern and all this stuff and he pretty much just went cool dude. that was it. like could i get some support? some praise? or is it too late? does he think im too old and should be in those positions already? or this is how im trying to think about it, because its how i always do. none of this is my fault. im living my life, doing what makes me happy and sorry if its not 40 hours a week at some shitty job i hate making no money. i would rather be doing what im doing, even though im broke as fuck i feel like im happy. im so much happier than i would be at a full time job. i just never have had support from my parents ever really. i mean my dad has hooked me up with money when i was in dire straits but he cut me off which is cool, but ever since he has been more of a good friend than anything. i try to talk to my step mom about it all and she always has an excuse for him, like oh hes been sick, or not feeling good, or hes had a rough week or month blah blah blah and then she does the same thing with blake too,and i realized she has to. she has to think like that or she would probably leave. i mean part of me thinks ignorance is bliss, but then again being happy is the most important thing in life. and it does come down to balance. but all this does is make me realize what type of relationship i have to have in my life, and how i want things to go. i dont want to have to make excuses for my family i want to talk about things when they happen and never let it get to that point. i want to be able to say yo what the fuck? why dont you seem siked for me? i wish i could have said that tonight, but i couldnt. i could not wait to leave that place tonight after dinner. i just felt like i would be better off by myself, and i was right. its how i deal with everything, just go be in my own space and man im getting sick of it. i need to learn how to stand up to them at these situations and tell them that it hurt my feelings. i think the reason i havent done this yet is because im pretty sure i would get the same reaction for that, it would be so unfulfilling honestly. he would go oh im sorry, im totally into that blah blah. he was kind of like that for his birthday too, i made him this awesome thing took all his old dead tickets and made this awesome art piece with it, and he gave me the "cool thanks dude" part of it is its just who he is. its just him, he doesnt really know how to be any different, but arent people supposed to be able to change and fix the things that dont work? or is that a thing that i do and i expect other people to do it just because i did it...but then i think thats putting myself down kind of because im like well if i could you could, im the bottom of the barrell and if i can do it you totally should be able to, but the truth is not everyone is as strong as i am and can find it in themselves to change like i can. its so easy for me, i want to be a better person and am alway searching on ways to better myself and learn and become the person iw ant to be..wow that was empowering to just type those things out. awesome!

kissing the lipless..

so after about a year and a half i finally got to make out with a boy!! oh my god it was such a crazy weird day. i woke up from the craziest dream about stoney and he wasnt dead in the dream, and i told him i thought he was dead and he laughed and hugged me and made me feel better, but when i woke up i realized he totally is dead and what a weird fucking dream..then i thought about josh and how hes dead and how on earth the people closest to them ie girlfriends deal with their deaths. it must be so fucking hard to deal with. like one day your boyfriend is sleeping in your bed and the next day hes dead..must be sooo fucking wild. fucking wild man.

oh get to the kissing right? ok well after i woke up i wanted to go for a swim at the gym, so i got my stuff together and went down there, i swam for about 20 minutes and then went to get food..i knew my friends were at the crabs game (the local baseball team) and i decided to go hit it up. i got there and it was a couple fest, i was with 3 couples, but it was fun..hung out yelled a bunch, chilled out..then afterward we all went to the bar and had a few shots, i got kinda drunk! haha which is super funny since i barely drink anymore, but anyways this dude brian was with us and he was really cool, we played some dice and totally hit it off. i dont even know what it was, but we just got along. so we hung out at the bar telling stories, making fun of things and just talking all while the basketball game was on, which i dont even know who won yet! haha so we decided to leave at the 3rd quarter i wanted to just get out of the bar with all the creeps..the whole time he was talking i wanted to just make out with him! it was so odd, i never really feel like that to be honest. then we were walking to the car and stopped on the street, got kinda close and i was like you want to kiss me dont you? so fucking bold of me! he said yes and kissed me, and guess what he kissed just like me! sooooooo crazy i dont know too many people who kiss just like me, but its sweet when i find it. it was so comfortable with him the whole time. i dont know if it was because there was no pressure, and we just hit it off or if it was just vibes, or both..either way im kinda into it. the only bad things were that his semi beard kind of hurt my face, and he was at the game with a date! this girl was so not into being at the game at all, she left a few times, and left early..he told me he wasnt really into her either, but thought he would never find a good girl up here so he decided to just try to stick it out, but now that he met me he thinks hes over it. so weird, i feel like a home-wrecker in a way, but i also dont give a fuck. they didnt seem to be getting along too well anyways.

ok so after the kiss we went to the marsh to go smoke some weed, and sat on this bench for about 3 hours, which went by so fucking quickly, we seriously just told stories all intertwined with each other, holding hands and everything. i was so engrossed in the conversation. i honestly never thought to check my phone or do anything, but look at him and listen and talk back. we kissed a few times there but it was just that a few kisses then right back to talking which was awesome. i liked how chill it was, then he got this weird phone call and things kind of got weird, but we decided to leave because it was getting late and cold anyway. we were going to go get food, but i wanted to go home and eat and take sofia out. so we left each other. he kissed me goodbye and we said we would hang out again this week. im so siked! but not too siked, its weird. im just whatever about it honestly. i dont even plan on telling a lot of people. i just want to be chill and hang out when we hang out. see what happens, and also get the scoop tomorrow from jenna and nate on him, since they are his friend. the funny thing is jenna has been telling me about this dude for months now, and i didnt know that until late in the game which is so funny. funny how things turn out sometimes.

i think we are gonna hang out again this week sometime. he already texted me with the good old, making sure you got home safe text which really just means he wanted to talk to me, but felt silly about it so it was the safe way to do so. this dude is pretty cute too, and fun and funny. hes a breath of fresh air around here for me.his clothes are a little not for me, but very humboldt. boots, hoodie, carhart pants. same old same old..i need to be careful on this one, i need to be available but not too available, and not say too much or let him in too much. i need to keep being honest and open with him and see where it goes. maybe we were just drunk and thought we were into each other. who knows. ok i gotta stop it now. bedtime!

peel sessions..

Ive been feeling kind of weird lately, like confused and upset and stuck in the past, something has reminded me of how i used to feel all the time, and i dont like it. ive been trying to talk myself out of it, but its quite hard to do. old habits die hard as they say right? i feel good because im not stuck in my little bubble anymore, i realize whats going on, how unspecial i am to a certain someone and how im just another one of the many many girls he talks to, and im done with it. im not going to let myself look like a fool and be played out like that. its not fair to myself. i cant believe i even thought of having sex with him! i was going to give up my newly found virginizm to him?? what the fuck was i thinking? ive been saving myself for someone special, someone who loves me and cares about me and my feelings, someone who wants to openly spend time with me, someone who doesn't lie and say the same thing to a million people. thats what im saving my body for, not some fucking dude who just wants to fuck me and doesn't give a shit about my feelings. sometimes its so fucking hard though because i get all crazy and want to have sex, its been sooooo long! but i know it will be worth it one day, hopefully soon.

as for the peeling, i took a bath today. not like in the sense of i was super dirty and took a bath, im clean i just felt the need to soak my body and lay there and chill. my mind was working too hard though, i couldn't just stop and relax at all. but i did try my hardest to! my favorite part is when i open the drain and all my dirty water and bad energy and vibes go down the drain..they float away like they never existed..i love it, i love the process of it all. water is so important in so many ways, i get my best ideas around water, and feel the most empowered. i seriously have my best ideas in water its nuts, if i need to think i usually take a shower and it all comes to me..ive been learning to use those signs and follow my intuition more often, i find that im usually right.alright im out yo.

the mind is a crazy place yo.

i came to the harsh reality today that i need to give up the ghost, the ghost of you know who..i let him in way too much and i dont know how to control myself when i talk or am around him. he has fucked me over so many times in so many ways and i keep coming back and i keep inviting more of the drama into my life. i confide in him, i let him see me in ways other people dont, i show him noodz, i mean man when the fuck am i gonna learn? i hate myself for it seriously. i cant even believe i was getting excited to maybe make out/have sex with him. why would i do that? ive waited this long to have sex with someone who loves me and cares about me, and i was ready to just give it all away to him? he doesnt respect or love me. we had something back in the day, and i fell for him but man o man am i falling again? i dont even know if thats what im doing or not. i dont know if im falling back in love with him or if im falling in the idea of having sex. i think im so deprived from it all that my mind gets all foggy and confused and just wants to have it. but on the flip side the good side is that i realized this way quicker than before. it only took me a few times of talking to him to realize it and the funny part is he made me remember. when i talked to him last night he made me feel weird and uncomfortable with myself because he i asked why he was being so quiet and he said well i already talked to you today, and that was that. i was done. it made me feel stupid and then it all came flooding back about how stupid he used to make me feel all the time. he doesnt want anything with me, all he wants is someone who he doesnt have to commit to, someone who he can fuck with and waste time, well im not that person. im done. i might not even go to that show anymore. i might say fuck it and stay home. id like to hang out, but really do i want to? isnt it going to be weird? i think if jon and amy are there it will be better, but otherwise its gonna be weird. its so funny how you can convince yourself of stuff when you really want something or someone. the mind is a crazy place yo.