they go we go..

i want you to know what i did i did....

i made a decision tonight to stop. stop obsessing, stop wondering, stop trying, stop texting, stop expecting anything. when i first got back i had talked to my spiritual advisor about remaining vertical, and not expecting anything from anyone, and just doing what i feel is right is right, and to trust myself and the people around me, because we all are one. and the things we love and hate about people are the things we love or hate about ourselves. its that simple. and i think my period really fucked with me bad this time and really really screwed up my emotional state and made me fucking apeshit crazy. so now its time to be normal again and just be. shit is always better when your not wanting it so bad. it has to be natural, and this is not natural at all. and i bet those feelings can be read, or im doing a really good job of appearing chiller than i am. but i will think that the first part is more right. vibes are wild and people can read them easily. i think i appeared desperate in some ways, and im not like that and i dont want to be perceived as it either. he doesnt like desperate me, he likes independent strong me, thats the woman he knows best and trusts and wants to talk to. not this girl who is all up on his shit. i am taking some steps back and getting back to my life.

i also was getting worried that he is the only reason i want to move home. which isnt really true. in some ways yes, id love to come home and be in a relationship with him, but i honestly cant say that will happen. so i need to get it out of my head. ive been thinking a lot about what my life will be like there. who will i hang out with, besides the obvious people like jenni and my family and derek. i mean who else is really gonna want to be friends with me like that? i mean people like hanging out with me when im home to visit, but who will want me back in their daily lives? will i even hang out with r and mk and pdawg? i mean is that really gonna happen? probably not, i mean dont get me wrong ill be invited to parties and i will see them there, but on the daily or even weekly most likely not. unless of course me and r really hang out, but for some reason i cant see it. i see him being weird still. but who knows. who knows what will happen over these next 11 months. a lot can happen, a lot can change, and a lot could stay exactly the same. so this year is all about me and getting ready to get my career in order and move back home and get my shit right. start paying some bills off, saving money, and really not going out to spend so much. i dont need to buy anything anymore, i need to move so less is more. ill get my tv but thats it. i got everything else i need.

it is time to make moves man