and the sky was all violet..

i feel like im in crazy world a little bit..yesterday as i was at the airport, r texted me and asked me if i wanted to hang out at his house after i flew in..i thought this was kind of bold of him, but i liked it. it was all i wanted too. i just wanted to hang out with him and see him and be in his presence. so then i go over there and for like 3 hours we sit around and talk, and once we talk about how we think about each other everyday and how weird it is that we are actually hanging out with one another. we would catch each others eyes and it felt so wild. like my heart would race, and my stomach was in knots. so the whole time nikole is waiting for me to come to georges parents house and sleep there, and its like 3am and shes like you have to come home, i have the door unlocked etc, etc, so i walk to the door and say goodbye and we hug, and just stand there and hug for a little while and it felt so good, so perfect, so right. then we start kissing and its kind of on, like so crazy and fast and intense and then we go into the other room and make out and so on and so fourth. but then when we were done it was kind of awkward and we just laid on the floor and didnt talk for a while, and all we could really say was wow did that just happen, etc, etc, and the weird thing was i wasnt so into it. i didnt feel like i felt last time, it was cold and harsh kind of. i have dreamed of it being romantic and soft and intense, and he was so overly excited that it was hard, i am still sore today. i feel like we both were disappointed with how it turned out, but lied about it to each other. like he said that it exceeded his expectations and dreams, but i dont see how, i was obviously not feeling it. he tried to look into my eyes a few times and share that, but i wasnt there. i dont know if i was just too up in my head about it, or if i really wasnt feeling it. he wants to hang out with me all week, its kind of weird to have this side of him, like i should be siked and eating it up, but im not. like he wanted to hang out tonight but i said no. its so weird, but i think its exactly what i thought it would be. i knew this would be closure time for us. i knew i would come here and get it, and not like it. i feel like my dream have been smashed kind of. like its been over 3 years since we had sex last, but we have sexted and everything, but never actually went through with it, that i think maybe my expectations were too high or something, but i guess i will find out tomorrow because im sure im gonna sleep there tomorrow.

when they get what they want, and they never want it again