its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday,....

man tonight i got wasted, so wasted. i drank so much whiskey straight and thought i was okay, i honestly think now im okay when i know im not. im so drunk still. my night was horrible. when im home i dont show me off, i show the old me off, i live in the past when im in philly, its just weird. i think the people are the same, the things are the same, and the life is the same, but its not. i live a totally different life, and i guess i expected other people to live the same life with me out of it. it was wrong of me, and im glad i recognize it. i never realized it before, and i feel like such an idiot about the whole thing. this whole weekend has made me realize how much of an idiot i am about a lot of stuff. that whole r thing, man im a fucking idiot. i seriously believed him and all he said to me, and i held onto it so much, i guess i just wanted the good out of it, i wanted to believe that this shit was true, like i wanted to believe i could come home and live the same life i did before. its not happening and i realized it tonight. i always thoug tthat part of me still was there, it would always be there, but its not, its dead and gone and it happened right before my eyes and i didnt even notice, i guess i didnt want to notice. but ive been gone a long ass time and should have seen it. but home aint the home i left at all. and everyone else knows that but me, i feel dumb about it all to be honest, i wrote tara and kerri and said sorry, but i got no response i dont know what i was expecting either. penance? forgiveness? a free pass? an oh its okay, no worries? i guess so but im not getting those and probably wont either, they are both probably hating on me so much right now. but i know i shouldn't worry, because its part of the process, but i do. i worry a lot. but im still drunk and need to go to sleep. night