we keep on playing those mind games..

together..

or alone either way its all a mind fuck. i went to bed last night at 1030, then woke up at 2 and was up till 4 in those 2 hours i thought so fucking much. i thought about my future, my house in philly, my job in philly, what i need to do out here to get those things. i also thought about my quality of life, and what i wanted and i realized that i used to always look at people from delco, who marry their high school sweetie and live in the burbs as people who arent living life or enjoying it fully. i felt like those people were missing out, but then i realized im missing out. i want their lives. i want to live in the burbs with my honey from the burbs and have huge family parties and holidays. its all i want actually. i couldnt help but think of what life with would be like with r. we have the same friend group, so growing up with friends would be amazing. there would be no weirdness, or need for girls to like each other, or vice versa. it would be so smooth. then i started to think about how we never dated and what that would be like and i actually saw it working out just fine. we would just hang out a lot and go out with our friends and have fun, play games, etc. i really really want that life. how the fuck do i get it? patience? endurance? love? faith? i suppose all of these things actually. i feel it deep in my bones thats the life i will have one day. i am making it happen somehow. i guess he needs to get on board, but isnt he already? didnt he tell me these things in the summer time? does he still think them? i also realized that nobody or nothing can take away what we shared. that day i left philly and we sat in our cars and waved at each other crying, that happened. it was real. he has a memory of that wether or not he chooses to recall it is a different story, but i know he does. i bet he secretly listens to my cd and trys to figure it out, and lays in his bed and sees me laying in it. its impossible not to! i also re-listened to that cd i sent him and boy o boy if he dissects that thing im in trouble. the second song is who loves the sun, and it says stuff about broken hearts, then london dungeon by the misfits is on there, "aint no mystery, why im in misery, in hell, heres hoping your swell" hahahaah too funny. oh well. i thought about writing him to tell him not to dig too deep, but fuck it. let him thinks what he wants.

its all up to the universe now...so hey universe, can you let me fish my wish please?

they go we go..

i want you to know what i did i did....

i made a decision tonight to stop. stop obsessing, stop wondering, stop trying, stop texting, stop expecting anything. when i first got back i had talked to my spiritual advisor about remaining vertical, and not expecting anything from anyone, and just doing what i feel is right is right, and to trust myself and the people around me, because we all are one. and the things we love and hate about people are the things we love or hate about ourselves. its that simple. and i think my period really fucked with me bad this time and really really screwed up my emotional state and made me fucking apeshit crazy. so now its time to be normal again and just be. shit is always better when your not wanting it so bad. it has to be natural, and this is not natural at all. and i bet those feelings can be read, or im doing a really good job of appearing chiller than i am. but i will think that the first part is more right. vibes are wild and people can read them easily. i think i appeared desperate in some ways, and im not like that and i dont want to be perceived as it either. he doesnt like desperate me, he likes independent strong me, thats the woman he knows best and trusts and wants to talk to. not this girl who is all up on his shit. i am taking some steps back and getting back to my life.

i also was getting worried that he is the only reason i want to move home. which isnt really true. in some ways yes, id love to come home and be in a relationship with him, but i honestly cant say that will happen. so i need to get it out of my head. ive been thinking a lot about what my life will be like there. who will i hang out with, besides the obvious people like jenni and my family and derek. i mean who else is really gonna want to be friends with me like that? i mean people like hanging out with me when im home to visit, but who will want me back in their daily lives? will i even hang out with r and mk and pdawg? i mean is that really gonna happen? probably not, i mean dont get me wrong ill be invited to parties and i will see them there, but on the daily or even weekly most likely not. unless of course me and r really hang out, but for some reason i cant see it. i see him being weird still. but who knows. who knows what will happen over these next 11 months. a lot can happen, a lot can change, and a lot could stay exactly the same. so this year is all about me and getting ready to get my career in order and move back home and get my shit right. start paying some bills off, saving money, and really not going out to spend so much. i dont need to buy anything anymore, i need to move so less is more. ill get my tv but thats it. i got everything else i need.

it is time to make moves man

ya gotta have faith, faith faith

all day today ive thought about what my christmases would be like with him and how we would split our days between our families and eat a lot of italian food, and get drunk and just have fun. i see this life. i really really do. it is the life i think i have always dreamed about in some way, but i never imagined it with anyone, but now i do. i see it. and i keep thinking about how he is probally sitting aorund thinking the same thing. there is no way he can change that in a month. he told me he thinks about that all the time, and so im sure its popping up today and tomorrow. im going to follow jenni and wait to see if he hits me up first. or to see how long it takes. but i dunno i might give in too..im not feeling so crazy about him anymore either. its like i came out of my crazy ass fog that made me overly obsessed with him. its good to be out of it though, but yet its still hard. i watched hes just not that into you today, and man did it remind me of how shitty things can be and how they are. and the main theme is "if he really liked you then he would be doing anything to be with you" and that just rings so clear to me. its all about faith, which i guess is a big part of tonight, christmas eve. the faith in a day of good, a day to celebrate with your family and loved ones, a day to share presents and food and just faith in faith. so im gonna keep the faith like george michael told me to do..

i wish i could buy back the woman you stole..

seems harder and harder to just be me. i feel like a robot zombie, just doing what i need to do with the day, but as soon as im alone, either in my car, my bed, the bathroom, im sad. its never been like this before. usually if im sad, im sad. thats that. there is no question, but im putting on a good face for people or something. this is serious. im seriously depressed, and i dont think its going away anytime soon.

every song, every thing i see, every person, every pair of jeans, anything fucking reminds me of him. i miss him so much, and then i try to think, what am i missing? am i missing a person who is still ungrounded, and insecure, who couldnt be a good person to me right now even if he wanted to? nope, i am missing those nights and mornings, and those moments only between us that just isnt being discussed. and i dont understand why. why wouldnt we want to be talking about how wonderful they felt? is it really too much for him? can he really actually not handle it? am i an asshole for assuming he should? am i just so advanced? what is going on with me? how the fuck do i get normal again??

i just want to be happy and positive melissa again, how do i buy her back?

sleep will save me from thinking..

i dont even know how i feel these days at all anymore. i thought i just wanted to say those things to him and i did, but now what? now where are we? we are pretty much exactly where we;ve always been and it still isnt enough, it will never be enough for me.

my life is crumbling around me and i wish i knew why. whats the common theme? electronics? entertainment? communication? yes yes and yes. but what the fuck seriously? how can i stop the madness? is it all a shedding of the skin per se? letting these old things go and buying new ones? is that what all this has been about? even the show when the cord broke!

what did he mean when he said i knew you were lying! was that playful? was that a fact? was that really all good?

im so sick of thinking about this shit. tomorrow im sleeping all day so i dont have to think once. just my dreams. which by the way erykah badu was in my dream last night and we were at r;s house and he was sleeping on his bunk, and i went into the other room with someone else, and she was there. i told her how much her music meant to me and how some songs really get me like see ya next lifetime, and she went on to tell me about how this lifetime is here, and i have it all now, there is no see ya next time. then she started showing me pictures of her trip to hawaii or someplace like that. jamaica maybe.

i feel so empty, i dont feel christmas at all, i dotn want anything to do with it. my house is decorated, i made cookies, sent gifts, shopped, wrapped, drank egg nog, watched elf, listened to all my favorite music and still nothing. that shit is in 5 days and i could not care less. i want to care again, i want to be positive again, i want to trust myself and the world around me, but i feel like im in this void, this hole in the earth that has me held captive.

what the fuck for reals.

thank god for saved messages...

jesus man i found all my old emails on myspace and facebook about me and r. and boy oh boy did i learn something wild. things have not changed an inch, like seriously. some of the shit he wrote me then, hes said now. right down to the wanting to hide under rocks and not talk to anyone about anything. and about us and how isnt ready and all this shit. the other thing i noticed is the time frame, one day iw as getting cute emails from him, then about a week later was some super intense email about how hes not giving me enough, or how im cool if we dont hang out. jeez louise im a little impatient and suppose i still am. another thing real quick was that he said, that when it comes to emotional things and things that are important or deep it takes him a long time to figure it out and talk about it, so not to be upset, and that really applies to this situation too. melissa, its been a week and a few days since you were back in philly get a fucking grip dude hasnt even processed this shit yet. i think this is the problem between him and i, my lack of patience. maybe it means something, maybe it doesnt. but i defiantly think its what broke things up before. we were on a path of dating and i didnt see that because i was so overwhelmed by how much i liked him. and im doing that now too it fucking sucks!

i seriously jump at the response from him at all, i jump right on it like an impatient little kid who was sititng by the phone. its pathetic and i bet he can smell it all the way across country. tonite he posted on one of my status updates and i couldnt just be cool i wrote something so cheesy back and then texted him, twice. to no response again. when will i learn? well tonight im learning, im going to chill the fuck out and step a few steps back. give him space for real. space isnt going to make him think i like him less, its going to give him time to figure me out. he already knows i have something to say about us, i made that abundantly clear. everything comes in good time and i need to keep that in mind..and jenni so do you. its fucking hard man, hard hard hard, but i bet if we do it it wil be well well worth it. in many ways actually. if it lets our dudes work their shit out and they come back to us, awesome, if not weve moved on and kept our respect to ourselves. lets do this together. k?

and if you don't love me let me go..

im quite bored tonight. i had a pretty crazy night last night after my jewish experience i went up to the bars and hung out with my eagles buddy and his friend jessica. she was pretty hot and me and her clicked immediately so it was fun, we ran all over town, drunk and silly. i felt like i was 22 again, just being drunk and not caring or even really looking at people, i cant even remember one person i saw last night besides her. we totally crushed on each other and did kiss a little bit! it was exciting. i mean ive done that before, but this was different, it was so much like tv or something. it made me really see what it must be like to be a lesbian and just go out to the bars and find a cute girl and hang out with her all night. it was the same as if i found a dude i liked, but a lot more comfortable. because we just could openly flirt and the funny thing was we were all over each other too. of course dudes kept checking us out, but i didnt care, i just went with it. i was a little embarrassed this morning, but decided to get over it because it was fun. i guess i felt a little irresponsible of me to be running around acting like that, but fuck it i decided. she wants to go on a date with me she said, but she lives in lake tahoe and is just visiting, but is planning on moving here or something. so i guess that kinda freaks me out. it was a lot easier to play around and flirt knowing she was going to leave.. ahhhhhhhhhh fuck fuck fuck as i typed that i realized thats what r must have thought about me when i was in philly! oh my fucking god. wow thats so serious shit. i guess its true though, you can act however you want knowing its not going to lead anywhere. he hasnt written me back after that email or anything. i imd him a long ass time ago and still no reply. i guess im blending into those girls. i haven't really tried either, i really want to keep my distance, but i think its so silly. there is nothing i can about any of it, i seriously have to take this all day by day and its quite hard some days.

ive written pages upon page...trying to rid you from my bones...

marginal over..

sometimes i question myself a little too much. its been over a week since ive been back and thats all, weird right? so fucking weird. ive already gone through so many fucking emotions in this week its bananas. i need to chill out on that kind of shit. i already started to get angry and impatient that i havent really had a chance to talk to r about anything, but dude its been a week. chill. this is what i tell myself over and over again, but i cant help it. i feel so cheated or something when it comes to his time and talking to him. its so retarded. i know if i keep trying to talk to him, i blend into those girls who keep pestering him and texting yadayada so i stopped. i knew he wouldnt respond to my email yesterday, but its all good. i reread it and im glad i wrote it. all i did was say im his friend always and if he needs me im here. thats all i can do. all the other stuff needs to do its own thing when and if its supposed to. im started to get scared thinking maybe im wrong, maybe he isnt the one for me, but then i laugh and go duhh its so obvious, but is it? is he just an addiction? am i addicted to the drama he puts me through? we never even dated, we never went on a date once in the 4 years this has been going on! how could i imagine marrying him? its so odd. but then again its not at all. this all makes sense in some weird twilight zone kinda way. i also go to the whole, well maybe hes over me now that the fantasy came true, and he got to be with me and now hes not brutting over it anymore..which may or may not be true. when i asked him about that post sex he said it was better than his fantasy, but i mean who wouldnt say that? i need to relax and keep writing on here instead of writing him. maybe this is a lesson for me to learn in patience and trust.

give me your eyes, i need sunshine..

so i got to talk to him again tonight, and for some reason i thought maybe it was the time, we were chatting about life and being in philly and how short ago it really was, but how long ago it seemed, etc. and i was like yeah ive been thinking a lot about last week and he was like about how it was only last week and i was like no about you, then immediately said but i am cool to not discuss it yet, because its not time or space to..and he still had to come back with i got so much going on i cant talk about emotions right now, which felt like a knife through the heart, but im an idiot because i knew it already, i knew i should hav ekept things cool and surface for the next few weeks until school is over at least, but bam i couldnt wait i had to slip it in there and say it like a fucking moron. when i am going to learn to listen to myself?

but something else curious came up, he is a perfectionist and wants things to be perfect and the way they are supposed to be, and it made sense about me and him. he told me he isnt ready and all that shit but wants it later, so it makes sense because doing that now wouldnt be right or perfect. also we were talking about the josh thing and he said that josh keeps being my protector and saying things to him about me and how he is either lying to himself or everyone else..and i responded with well he really wants me to know your with other girls and shit, and i told him i knew that already i wasnt stupid, and he told me he isnt with girls. he was like i know i dont need to tell you but i want to that im not with girls around here, its a common misconception about me, i personally dont believe him fully especially since hes talking to girls blah blah, but i dont care still. it doesnt matter what we have is more and im okay with that. but my response to him was this.."thank you for telling me that, but its really none of my business what you do..what me and you do or say with one another is my business and nothing else" i was hoping that got across what i wanted to put out there...anyway im sure it didnt happen, im sure he didnt follow, but either way its cool. i need to stop it with him, because i am making it worse. it sucks but i am. i wrote him a message on fb saying if you need to talk im here, i know all you need right now is a friend, and thats what im offering. its all he can handle honestly. imsure i wont get a response, and its cool i dont need one.

i got a bad desire..

i dont know what to do with myself at this moment. i just went onto his page and hes been talking to this girl, probably the girl who wanted to be his girlfriend and he had to diss. and the problem is this..i know that this girl cant mean anything, doesnt really mean anything or else he would be with her and be all in love etc, etc, but fuck does it still hurt. ive been giving him his time to chill and do his thing and sort shit out, but this whole time hes been talking to other girls? how do i not get jealous? how do i keep my composure and let things be the way they are supposed to be? i need to gain so much strength to deal with this situation, and i guess i wasnt prepared. i still havent even told him how i feel and i still cant stop thinking about how the last thing i told him was i was over him and closing the book on us. he thinks that somewhere, and i want to tell him otherwise. i keep having the internal argument about just telling him now because sieze the day and such, then the other side saying how it wil be so much more worth it if he hears it when hes ready to hear it. you havent even been gone for a whole week. his phone is supposedly broken, ok i guess not supposedly but its broken, and i cant help but think hes siked. he doesnt have to deal with any of this shit going on around him, which includes me too. which im fine with i guess im just bummed that hes still talking to her or whomever else. why can he talk to them and not me? we just spend two weeks together! god i hate to think jb was right and that i dont know half the shit hes doing. but then to flip it over again, does it even matter? arent we meant to be anyways? isnt it going to work out if its supposed to? if i know all this knowledge i should be ok with this all, but

i just help but be jealous. jealous. jealous.

there's a light in your eye that keeps shining..

like a star who cant wait for night...

so im feeling much better about everything. i went and got some energy work done yesterday, which also starts out as talking about all different types of things and one of the topics was spirituality and we got to talking about a lot of stuff, and it all made sense to me, especially about this situation im currently in with r. she really helped me realize that just because i broke off that bond its not a bad thing, i broke off all the old shit, all the old ways, all the confusion and bad feelings, and insecurities so that now we can have it be normal. i guess thats kind of confusing, but overall i have no worries because i know there is a deeper connection and who cares who he dates or who i date, because overall we are going to end up with each other at some point. and its knowing that, that can let us grow together. i also think that if i just keep the faith on the fact that we will end up together sometime will help me get through this. i think that there is a lot of expectations and its not needed. he at least had the sense to tell me that he wasnt ready for me, but he did say that wants to be, and i never really took that as anything. actually like i said in another blog that i dont take anything he says serious because i never believed him or something stupid. so im no longer going to freak out about texts, emails, blah blah blah none of it matters. we are who we are, and it will work when its supposed to work.

i foresee me being here for at least one more year, maybe out of here by the fall or something and then maybe moving back to the east coast somewhere. not sure its philly, but at least somewhere close enough to there to visit pretty regularly. i believe im on the right path and that things are going how they are supposed to. everything that happens is for a reason, and i need to trust myself and the universe more and just know that i know everything already. i know that at some point in my life we will be together. so its just about living life and building a stronger friendship or whatever over the next section of life.

wish me luck!

deep in the ocean..

there lies a wave for you...

im feeling much better than i was a few days ago, i think music has really helped me through all of this. i played a fantastic radio show last night. it really brought out all my emotions and made me feel better. then even better i think he listened and maybe got weirded out or maybe liked it i dont know. he was online, and he usually listens when he gets home from the bar. i dont know why i care, he hasnt even talked to me since i was home. he replied to one of my status updates, but thats about it. i did happen to play the song that he commented with on my show. im doing my usual thing where i freak out and think the worst thing possible about everything, just because i havent talked to him in a few days, but the reality is if he had feelings for me, he would want to talk to me right? i am just giving him and myself time to process all of the stuff that happened over the past few week, its a lot to deal with really. part of me is scared that if i dont tell him i changed my mind about us then he will move on, then i laugh at myself and go well fuck him then if he bounces that quick, and he actually might. so i need to just trust that things will be how they will be.

greg is another issue im dealing with. im so uninterested in him, but i dont know what to do about it. he texted me last night and i just ignored it. i really ignored it and i feel bad, and i feel like things are left open, and i need to close them. he is not right for me. i need to notice this type of stuff earlier. i need to take things slower and not open up so much so quick, because it always leads to a bad thing. i need to go back to thinking im not going to meet a dude around here. its not happening. especially when i think rickie is my one. but i get scared to say that. it seems impossible in a way. i read yesterday this thing about falling in love with the potential of a person, rather than the person who they are. i did that with matt, and i think i am doing that with rickie. its like they let me see this side of them, and i hold onto that side and want it to exist all the time, but they dont let it out all the time, and they hide those feelings and part of themselves, so i just wait for it to come out again. but then i find myself waiting around for years and then are disappointed when it doesnt. i feel like i know this other side of them, which could be a lie honestly. they could just be talking shit to me and i eat it up. just like an idiot. i need to protect myself better from falling too hard. i need more, i want more. but i also want him. i want to go back to the bubble of waking up and cuddeling and kissing, and just having fun, playing like little cubs, i was so comfortable all of it was comfortable. i miss it.

live through this..

its looking like a limb torn off...

today has been terrible so far, i cant seem to stop crying. im so emotional, leaving philly was so hard for me. luckily i ate a ganja cookie and slept the whole trip across the country, but when i woke up it was gone for maybe 5 minutes, then hit me again. i seriously feel like someone died, like rickie died. like im never gonna have a chance again or something, which i dont get at all. our goodbye wasnt that bad at all. he said some really nice things to me and even shed a few tears, it was nice to see that he actually cares about me and has emotions for me. its weird i never really believe him, or believe that he really likes me enough, so im always on guard and it makes me wonder how much i have missed out on because of it. im so glad we got to spend so much time together though, it really was nice and what i needed. what we both needed, we had been building that up for over 3 years, and im glad it went so well.

i decided the only thing i can do now is manifest my way out of this situation. not in a bad way, but just really concentrate on moving, and having things work with him. i really believe hes my guy. he makes me feel like no one else. this has been going on for years, on and off, but we always come back to each other, always. i think about him every day and vice versa, or so i was told. i do fully believe that if its supposed to work out it will no matter what happens in between. i do have to believe that, otherwise i think ill go nuts. i think that there is a connection between us that is very special, and apparently has been going on for many many lives, so one of these times we have to work out right? i just honestly cant see me with anyone else. like in a few years when he finds himself more and is accomplished, he will be the most perfect person for me. but i do need to remember that right now, hes not. and i cant force it. i must just go on with my life, and go with the flow, because thats all i can do..funny how positive i can be typing, but yet crying while typing it. fuck you band of horses.

no one's gonna love you more than i do...

my philadelphia heart is broken

im so sad. so so sad.

i love him more than i thought i ever could

how do i go back to life with out all of this?

how do i pretend none of it happend?

how do i be happy with what i got?

how how how?

im sad...so so sad..

dance dance dance

words can never make up for what you do...

man i feel so weird, im leaving philadelphia tomorrow morning bright and early and its strange. its like i dont want to leave, but only because i dont want to break this bubble ive been living in. i live in this weird bubble here that keeps me going on, but its not real, its not reality at all. its like this fake world. im home and visiting, but if i lived here it wouldnt be like this i know it. its a weird thing. a lot of it has to do with r to be honest. its like we have these wonderful intense times, but they arent real either. they are based on the fact that im leaving tomorrow. none of it has to be real by any means. it can be what it is, and it can be intense and emotional, but its all not really gonna matter tomorrow, when our worlds go back to the way they were. i wonder to myself if i am still going to talk to him as much, or if our relationship will be the same, or if this trip would have taken away from the dream and fantasy of it all. its weird i feel a bit of both. i feel like i want it to be gone while im away because what difference does it make? i live 3000 miles away, why be hung up on someone who doesnt even live close to me? sometimes i dream of it working out long distance, etc etc, but it wont. i need more, i want more from a person im with. i want to be me and be loved for me, and not feeling weird around dudes. i seriously feel like i fell back into this shitty pattern that i am always in in philly. falling for a dude who doesnt really want to be in a relationship with me, but has this piece of me, so i act like a fuckin idiot and let him walk all over me. i do it for the fix, the drug fix of this person and how they make me feel while im in it. its so unfair to myself and to all the work ive done over the past few years to find full respect for myself and my body, but all that got thrown to the wayside when i came here. i knew it would be like this though, i knew i would try my hardest to spend time with him, and he would fuck around with me and only call me late night, and not let it be real at all, because he doesnt want to feel what it feels like to be real with me. hes scared or honestly just doesnt really have the same feelings as me. which is totally possible, and i am just a fool.

just a fool on a hill....