leave the horror here..

sooooooo after i wrote that blog last night i went to sleep, i slept for like 2 hours and kept dreaming of that dude over and over again and i woke up and i knew i needed to call him. i was kind of putting it off here and there, but my guts were screaming at me to do it, so i did. all that i had in my mind was to go over there right then and there and to go make out or something, i dont know how i switched so quickly, but i just knew it would be amazing. so we chat and make dinner plans for next week, blah blah and then he invites me down to go there. i say yes, jump in the car and go to his house.

as soon as i get out of the car hes outside waiting for me and we just start making out immediately, like the second we see each other i dont even think we said hello! it was everything i usually dream of, i have dreamt of something like that happening to me for years!! so we go inside and its on! we make out he goes down on me, which was fucking amazing, then we have sex and thats that. we spend the next 7 hours laying naked with each other holding each other, kissing, making love, talking, laughing, all of it. it was so special and incredible. we looked into each others eyes, held each other it was like two people in love in deep deep love. so amazing. we have this way about us that i cant describe, but we are open and honest and communicative and can express how we feel without any inhibitions. he does have two teenage boys and an ex-wife, but has been divorced for 6 years and its been way over and they are cool with each other. the funny thing is i dont even care at all. there are parts of me that can see us together for the long haul and then not. but i decided to keep this to me and not really share with people..

ok so that post was written yesterday (7/28) and i just never had a chance to finish it or post it..so im back to write more, but oddly enough they are quite opposite than the post above, that these two things should be two different posts, but fuck it here it goes..

ok so i went over there yesterday and we started to make out more and more, and then stopped again and we talked about how this was going too fast and how we should take it slowly and just get to know each other better before we add the sex thing to it and stuff, so that was great. it was an open honest conversation, very adult, very real, very good. i was siked. we then hung out the rest of the night and made food, ate, talked, kissed, talked more, looked at pictures, told stories, the whole thing. it was great. i had so much fun, laughing, feelings, all of it was incredible. it was magical and special and so important. he would say some of the nicest things ive ever heard someone say to me. and i believed him, and i took it all in and let my body and mind feel these things. then we go to sleep, have a wonderful evening in the bedroom, sex here and there, which i thought was a bad idea because of our conversation earlier, and had mentioned it to him but he said he was just going with the flow, so i just went along with it too just to be in it, and it didnt really work out so well, he would get hard for a minute or two and we would start to have sex and then he would get soft, and then say sorry but i never cared, i just wanted to hang out too, so i tried to stress that and whatever, it all got lost in the mental and physical bliss we were in the whole past two days. he said some of the most amazing things to me, that i cant eve believe my ears heard. he told me that he could see all the bright energy coming off my face and it looked like he was looking up at the stars, the constellations i got so overwhelmed and cried a bit. it was so intense, so emotional, so everything for only knowing each other for 2 days, but it all just seemed so right..until the morning..

so we go to sleep and sofia was sleeping with us, and she snores a lot so he woke up a few times from her snoring and then finally asked me to put her out of the room cause he couldnt deal with her snoring waking him up, so i did i put her on the couch and went back to sleep. he woke up a lot and moved around a lot i could tell he was having a rough night sleep, but i had only slept 2 hours the night before and was so fucking tired and knew i had to work, so i just tried to sleep. we woke up and had this blissed out morning sex that was cool, but yet turned disastrous. he kept having me on top of him like right on top, and it didnt feel the best for me, but every time i would lean up to get better footing per se is when i noticed he would lose his mojo, and it made me feel like shit so i would stop being into too, but it all simultaneous so it was hard to tell who stopped first. anyway this lead to a discussion because he was upset that i wouldnt rub his nipples. he told me he liked that being done, which is fine, but its whatever and its weirdish and i guess i didnt rub them the proper way and he said thats how he gets off and was upset that i wasnt giving him what he needed, he said i just rubbed them hard and it didnt feel good, but he never told me, so then the can of worms opened up and i wont go into too many details but basically he was just really sensitive and it seemed like he was just picking on everything, and getting so upset over everything and then it didnt matter what i said it was just hurtful to him. and the energy in the room was so bad, like he threw his walls up so quickly and just kinda shut down, but yet was crying. he kept crying so much and it was so emotional and so hard to deal with. it felt like an elephant was sitting on top of my chest and my heart was breaking all at the same time. i had just met this person but had gone so deep emotionally it was tragic this was happening, but i somehow knew it would at some point. i guess i just didnt think it would happen this quickly or something, but it did. we seriously just hugged each other for like an hour, i kept thinking it was because we both knew this was going nowhere and that this was it. we were done.

so i left there very upset and shaken up, but kind of felt good too at the same time. i didnt do anything wrong, i spoke my mind, i spoke truth, i listened, i tried to help him see the big picture, i tried to communicate and work through this whole situation..(the sad part was we did get over it, and started talking about what we like during sex and i mentioned my little strangle addiction i have now, and in passing mentioned how i found it with another dude and he fucking lost it, and said he hated that i said that to him while holding his hand, and it was wrong, etc etc) so yeah i tried my hardest, and it wasnt good enough, but its ok. i feel ok about it and realize that it cant go anywhere and we must have had some karma to work out or something. its funny cause i kept calling him david in my head, he must have been david in our other life together. but i do feel sad about it all, i really liked what we had, it was special and awesome and fulfilling and grown up and mature and sexy and hot and passionate and fun. he is an amazing person and i wish i could be with him i really do. i was ready to be a stepmom for him, the connection we had and how i felt was 100 times crazier than rickie, which is saying a lot. especially only after two days. we are supposed to get together next week, but his birthday is monday and i dont want to do this on his birthday, so im assuming tuesday. i dont know what im going to say yet, im not sure how i feel about it all yet. part of me wants us to make up and fall in love and be happy and part of me thinks we wont be able to work out so i should cut my losses now before my heart gets way too involved and this type of shit happens all the time. i dont need a nervous nelly anxious wreck who cant let things go. but i do feel a love for him. this is really long so im gonna stop now. that was my last two days.
xo

green river..

so today i went to work, we got done super early which i knew was gonna happen, so i brought my stuff to go to the river, it was gonna be amazing! so we got done and out of there by 1, which was perfect river timing, so i put my suit on and hop in the car and head to the river. im sitting there for a while, and then this dude comes down with his bike and his bike outfit, etc. i say hi politely and keep on with my business. he then asks if i want to smoke weed with him, i say sure without even thinking twice and go over and smoke with him. i can tell he is diggin on me, but its whatever im semi used to it, and i continue on and he then starts brushing by me little by little and im feeling eh about it, but hes kind of hot and super built and nice and full head of hair, etc

so we start hanging out and hes close to me, touching me etc, we decide to go swimming in the river, which was freezing!! so we just sat there for a bit, but i felt into it, i was vibing this guy, i just wasnt so into the touchy touch part..but kind of went along for the ride, since i never do stuff like that, i never really go for it, i never live by the spur of the moment, im always thinking too much about everything before i do it. so i sat there and let him rub on me, he started to rub my feet and i became a freak, im a weirdo around dudes in general, but i was super weird. so we talked and i let him rub my legs and feet and we got along nice flirted, talked, flirted, blah blah..then i just started feeling eh about the whole thing and just knew i couldnt really be with this dude, he is turning 49 and has two kids who are 16 and 12, and an exwife who lives around the corner from him. just too much for me, i knew i didnt want that kind of life, so i knew this was semi pointless, then i was done. he asked me to have dinner with him tonight and i didnt want to. so i said no then he started to rub my shoulders and i just turned off like fucking just turned off. i was like i gotta go and he was all umm ok, jumped up and then walked away and it was super weird. i said i was sorry for the whole thing and that i dont know what happened but my body just stopped me and i had to honor myself and leave. i said sorry again and again and then he gave me his number, but it was one of those things where i needed out immediately, i was done and over it it was time to leave now! so i left and that was that. i feel super weird about the whole thing i come home and my angel card today was "love" which i laughed at this morning, like how could i have love today? another weird thing is that sofia just stayed away from us, she just stood in the same place and stared at us for about an hour. standing. it was eerie weird and freaked me out. im not gonna lie and say that didnt affect how i thought. it was just weird. it was too much too fast all over me. i felt constricted and everything, but im sooo fucking intrigued by this dude especially since his name is stan, which is odd from my dreams lately and what happened with the other stan too. just strange all together. i am writing this going, umm this happened to me today, this happened about 2 hours ago, this really just occurred. it felt so fake and movie like, but it was real.

i think my body freaked out because i didnt honor myself right off the bat. i didnt say hey i know we are vibing each other but lets save that for later when we know each other. i didnt use my voice, i let things happen and i didnt like it. it happens to me al the time, i never say what i need until i lose it. so this was a lesson on saying what i need and dont need. i feel kind of sick from it all honestly. still hasnt sunk in yet on what actually happened to me there, did i like him? did i not? confusion is all around me.

life. death. life. death. life. death. and so on...

about el dying. at first i thought it was good that he wont be suffering or having to deal with his psychiatric problems any longer, and thats totally right, but he will be missed. its really made me think about the years ive known him and how hes always been a part of my life since the day i met him. no matter what phase of my life i was in or where i lived, he always called me and wrote me and thought of me. so many of his messages were deleted before i could even listen to them, due to the mania, but it was always so nice when he would call out of nowhere and just be happy and actually interested in my life. I am really happy that my last conversation with him was so amazing. he had called me and i didnt answer at first, but then i listened to his message and he seemed normal, so i decided to call him back and we had such a good talk. he was so happy and excited about his life and really seemed genuinely happy. i always knew that conversation was something special, but i never really knew why except just connecting with an old friend, but i guess this is why. because it was the last time i would talk to him on this plane of existence. i am glad he didnt suffer for too long. i feel really upset for his family, and wish i was home to give them hugs. hes such a part of my life too, he always would say, culbertson, ive known you for so long, since you were a young teenager and i would go yup el pretty cool huh? and he would go yup. i will miss him for sure. but i know that he is in a better place and can feel happy and no pain any longer. he is safe and sound on a higher plane. rest in peace elliott. xo

i wish he was my boyfriend...

man im loving this Best Coast band, so fucking good..if you havent heard them do it! here is a link to the whole album to stream


anyways im on here to write about my dreams last night they were so vivid and crazy. so the one that is really sticking with me is the one with stan. yes stan. i saw him the other day and he apologized to me about everything that happened and told me that he did really like me and he wished it could have turned out different. i said me too, thanks. etc, etc. so my dream last night was we were trying to date, and he was totally cheating on his wife with me, and we kept going and i felt so uncomfortable about the whole thing, i didnt like being the other woman, or didnt even know if things would work out and if it would be worth it or not. but he really wanted to try so i just went along with it. and in the dream when i was just going along with it but knew it was wrong and kept saying to myself i gotta just be honest and do what i need to do and not worry about how he feels, i need to tell the truth that i dont like this. but i liked being with him, so i really wanted to be with him. its so crazy. i bet we were in a past life together at some point, because our connection is so deep rooted. but it just was such a weirdo dream. very very real. i woke up and went oh my god thats not real, thank god.

my other situation is that i think i really like this guy john i work with, but all day long and night i think about it and as soon as i wake up i go nope. and based on past situations, thats usually my answer. but i havent smoked weed in a few days so its not a difference of being high and sober, im sober all together. that is clue one, and clue two is that i didnt want to go to a restaurant with him that people would see us the other day. i felt scared for some reason, i didnt want to be seen with him. but i have noooo idea why. if anything he would up my status quo, hes more popular than i am in the community and everything. the main problem is that i dont know if im sexual attracted to him. i cant picture us making out or having sex at all. i do feel like he compliments me well in many many ways though. hes a lot like dominic which was good for me, very responsible and practical and on top of his shit and also isnt lazy about anything, and gets shit done. where as im so lazy about doing stuff, unless motivated and put things off forever and forget to pay my bills, etc. we also get along well and have been hanging out for like 6 months and going on semi dates here and there, but i just didnt know they were dates. which they werent they were just us hanging out, but it seems like everyone else kind of sees our connection except me. even yesterday at dinner with my friend greg he said he heard our radio show and how good we sounded together, and i totally agree. we are going to start a podcast soon with music, so i kind of feel like i shouldnt think about it and just see what happens, but hes the type of dude who wont make a move. as my friend justin said, hes probably is just happy to have a hot girl to hang out with but thinks she is out of his league.

we work together and thats bad, our working relationship is so good, if that were to get fucked up id be so upset. its funny its like the movie clueless when she finally realizes she likes josh and acts all weird around him and stuff i feel like that haha. like he was there the whole time but wasnt the obvious choice. eh i dont know i hate thinking so much about it or even talking to people about it. i gotta just go with my gut and hope it all works out the way its supposed to work out. i go to my psychic tomorrow so i will see what she says too.

i miss jenni.

my love is a life taker..

ahh life.

every time i go out it gets better and better. the more and more i become comfortable with myself, the more fun i have. the less i worry about other people or anything around me. its taking less and less time for me to get to that point these days. tonight i went to see this band "weeple" a weezer cover band and i felt weird at first like the spotlight was on me while i was singing and dancing, i couldnt let myself relax. then i just did, i let it all go and i enjoyed myself so much. i didnt know what i was in for with this band, i figured it was pretty much just like "sleezer" at home, but wasnt sure if this band was gonna play some of the newer stuff or not, but i got so lucky and they only played songs off the blue album, oh and lady gaga's bad romance. weird combo right? but man say it aint so, the sweater song and surf wax america was some of the funnest times ive had in a long ass time. it was just nice to be surrounded by weezer fans all singing and fist pumping at the same time in unison nerding the fuck out. i loved it. the funniest part was that my stepmom kristina and her friend maya from bend oregon were with me and neither really like weezer and or heard of them that much, so that was amazing. i just fucking rocked out while they chilled and watched the band. i felt stupid at first, but i got over it. they were staying for me and it was ok, cause thats what you do. and if they wanted to leave they would tell me, so i just partied. i love this no drinking thing too, i get to really enjoy things more when im only high and not all wasted and pukey feeling.

i had a funny situation happen the other day which i may or may not have blogged about. my friend at work jm, we always have this thing with each other, where there is something there, but its never talked about and we just kind of go along with it and be friends. the past few times ive hung out with him ive thought hmm maybe i like him more like a dude than a friend and other times i dont. i realized tonight he sees me usually when im sober which is incredible, not too many people get that. im usually pretty high at some point in the day with people im with, but with him im never high. i actually feel uncomfortable around him high and would rather be all there. i dont know if any of this stuff makes any sense at all, or means anything, but its just is what it is. so yeah. he told me tonight two things where i feel like i kind of dissed him. one was he told me he would go to this show if i was, and then when we were at the show and the horrible band were on, he said "im not here for the music" but he could have been there for our mutual friend andy but then i think maybe it was for me, who knows. i feel bad though cause i didnt really hang out with him too much at all. i did when i first got there and i was super high , but i had to leave when some dude kinda pushed by me, and i felt him get all protective and kind of eye the guy down. i didnt like it, which is odd cause i always think there is a part of me that wants a dude to be able to protect me and stand up for me, but i never really want them to do it, especially over being at a show and a dude pushing by me. i dont know why i felt so weird but i did, and i bounced and didnt really see him again for the rest of the night. i think im over thinking it and i need to get over it all really. cause none of it really matters anyways. it happened, its over. ok im going to sleep. goodnight.

as they took his soul, they stole his pride..

i just watched the double rainbow video and i understand how america thinks its funny, it is, but it is also touching. that dude wether on mushrooms or not saw an amazing, mystical natural occurrence. its intense. there are things about the universe and earth that are just so overwhelmingly beautiful and breath taking and its hard to understand how you are lucky enough to get to witness such a beauty. he kept saying over "what does this mean" and i really got it when he said that. he was out there camping, in a very spiritual place, on shrooms and saw this. to him it meant something. and people are fucking laughing at him??? it makes me so upset that our world is like this. people cant be spiritual, open minded, or metaphysical without sounding like a crazy person. i know this because i used to make fun of people for that kind of stuff. oh my god your talking about energies and past lives and psychics and chakras?? i think that these people, most people dont understand or are open enough to understand so they make fun of it. its too hard of a concept to grasp, or they are so wrapped up in their lives to stop and pay attention to whats really going on. we are all here for a reason, a purpose. we choose to come to this life, and we choose every step of the way how to live it. if you are having a seemingly horrible life, change it. do something about it. dont sit around and let it keep getting worse. take action! we all, including myself, have been through hard times when you just cant change it, you have to sit around and wallow in it for a while, but eventually you can get out of it. time heals. i

ive been finding myself feeling uncomfortable around a lot of people these days. people who i feel like i cant be myself around and its weird. i want to be comfortable and myself around them, but i just cant, and i dont get it. i guess im feeling misunderstood or going through an intense period of awakening and its just hard to relate. al the little stuff, doesnt matter. none of it. none of it all together matters. someone is being a dick, fuck em. this confusion or that confusion, talk about it. its just weird life is so simple, but we complicate it over and over and over by words and thoughts and actions. everything has a bottom line, look there and deal with it from that level and it wil be ok. dont let things get out of hand, if you fucked up and know it tell the person. apologize as soon as you realize and let it go. this is advice im giving myself and other people. i find myself focusing on little interactions that have occurred and i hold onto it for so long, it takes over my brain for a while and i literally have to fight it off. i have to sit down with myself and tell myself to let it go, it doesnt matter what happened you dealt with it in whatever way you did and it happened. move on. the more we hold onto things, the more it festers and the more it fucks with us. somehow, subconsciously its there and next time we are in a similar situation we will be weird and act weird and have it be because of that little thing we held onto which we shouldnt have. its silly. moving on really cleans the slate for new experiences to be real and lets us be present.

"nobody ever seems to remember; life is a game we play"-oasis

forgiveness

what a concept huh? ive been thinking a lot about it today. the whole idea of forgiveness and really just letting things go off you. how do you do it? i was at the river and had these ideas of just forgiving my mom, my dad, matt, rickie, eric, everyone who ever hurt me at all. i laid there and envisioned it all going off me. and i do feel lighter, i feel like i let some of it off, but how do i go about life now? do i just love them all unconditionally? i want to write my mom a letter and tell her i forgive her. i want things to be ok. i mean ill never spend christmas there or nothing, but it would be nice to not carry this shit anymore. that is all her karma not mine. i would have to go on other lives dealing with her again and again until i end it and deal with it, and forgive her for everything she has ever done to me. part of me feels like i dont need to even tell her, to just feel it ends it. ive been told weve spend many lives together and always were in battle, and she always was the mean one, the one who got over on me, but this life i feel like she tried to do that, but i overcame her. i see her for who she is, and she doesnt even know how fucked up she is, so i cant tell her, thats her own debit she will pay in many many more lives until she gets it. i cant let her and her karma fuck me up anymore. i need to feel love and give love and have respect for myself and go on and just be happy. same for my dad, ive carried around that he left me and that he left me in a horrible home with no love and abuse, etc. but what does it matter? what does he have to do to make me get over it? hes done so much for me over the past 10 years and i hold onto stuff that dont matter anymore. it is old news, it happened so long ago and so much other stuff has happened, but ive held onto and i didnt even really notice that i have been until today. i make myself feel like im not part of the family, i make myself be the outsider. its all in me, and its all my fault that ive let myself feel this. only i can control what i think and feel and do and ive choose to stop it all. i want to be free, i want to be happy and share with people. i want to feel loved and give love. it is all about love.

i really am changing, i feel it inside. i want these things to change and i am changing everyday. each day i think of new ideas or theories about life that help me grow as a person and as a spirit. i am helping myself reach a higher level of understanding. the one thing that keeps coming up for me is that i might die soon. i dont really believe it, but the idea keeps coming into my head. like what i figure allt his out and that was my purpose for this life, and then i go. its funny cause as scary as it is, its not at the same time. i do believe i will see all my loved ones again and again for many lives to come, and if not in human form than in soul form. its all ok. but then i think im meant to live a long life and die an old lady who lived life to the fullest filled with love and family. i still dotn know if i want to have children, but maybe. i want to be in love with someone who loves me the same. it will happen, i know it.

ps i dont have my cellphone right now, i spilled water on it, and i dont have money to pay the deductible for my insurance so its gonna be a couple days. hit me up on fb or my house. xo

the queen is dead boys..

and its so lonely on a limb....

this song is really speaking to me today for some reason. ive been doing a lot of thinking about this whole eric situation and im convinced it came down to him leaving. maybe in a past life he left me or died or something and its really affecting me in this life, so when he left it brought those feelings which in turn made me hate him. i dont hate him, but i do not like him at all. he put this video on facebook and i couldnt even make myself think any of it was cool. i was annoyed and made fun of it out-loud to myself. and as i was talking i knew i was being an asshole and just couldnt stop myself. the same thing happened today with blake, i had to babysit him this morning and i couldnt be more annoyed with him. its been like that forever, i bet we have a deeeeeep history and i need to learn from him. i really try to learn from him a lot like when he does something that annoys me i ask myself why, and it happens all the time and i a lot of the time hes like me. but hes a little kid so its so much purer, like him wanting to do things for himself and doesnt want to listen to me about how you play super mario brothers, and he wants to do it his way, mixes my annoyance of him being too independant it made him controlling, which is exactly my problem in a lot of aspects of my life. i know that life is about the journey and learning from every thing that happens and trying not to do it again, but its so hard sometimes. sometimes i just want to disappear until its all over, till time has passed and i dont have to deal with anything anymore, but the problem is the will never happen. this shit is gonna happen forever. there is always going to be issues, there are always going to be people who are mean, evil, judgmental, murders, rapists, wars, rudeness, everything, it will never stop. i know its all about how i live my life and how i can help people and share love, but its so hard. love is so hard to give sometimes, and its way harder to receive. "its so easy to laugh its so easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle and kind"

"and as i climb into an empty bed...oh well enough said"--that kinda wraps up the last few years of my life. i am a loner, i am scared of intimacy, love and sharing myself. i have so much control over myself and my life that i cant give it up. i cant let go of myself. i think that my main problem with dudes is that i give myself up too quick , i allow myself to fall head over heals and jump in and go with my emotions. i need to not do that ever again. i need to take it slow, go on dates, hang out randomly in the beginning, make it interesting, make him want me and vice versa. all this early jumping always backfires on me, and i waste all this time with people who arent right for me over some connection i felt for a few weeks at some point with them.

my brother billy is currently sitting in a jail cell. what a horrible sentence huh? i mean i had a friend go to jail im not a virgin to this situation, but its just weird when its your little brother. i remember being young and telling him i would take care of him and never let anything bad happen to him. i made this promise to him at one point in my life, and i meant every word. that conversation has always stayed with me and when i think of him, this usually pops up, but i lied. i never kept him away from harm, i dont help him, i dont even talk to him. i dont try at all, and look what happened. i dont blame myself for his life decisions, but i feel like maybe my positivity could have somehow helped him out, but then i think it wouldnt make a difference at all. he is way under my moms thumb, and hes her little boy baby and is too brainwashed by her and her ways to even get it and on top of it all hes kind of slow and mentally retarded. so he cant even really comprehend what i would say to him. my mom wrote me a message on facebook and in it she wrote "i just wonder if it somehow is my fault" and my first thought was fuck yeah it is, your a horrible mother who never showed love, etc etc..then i stopped myself and really thought about it. she is a woman whos son is in jail. she must think she is a complete failure as a mother, and wonder where she went wrong. and how shitty it must feel also to know there is nothing you can do to help him. its just sad. i actually felt bad for her, which i cant say i have felt in like 10 years+ but the coolest part was her even saying it, to have her even question that and actually blame herself is a big step and especially to say it to me of all people. the one who has called her out on being "a bad mom" to her face, its big. i took this opportunity to take the high road, i wrote her something very nice back and pretty much said the past is the past all we have is the future to change things we dont like about ourselves, etc etc..and said that she has abby to show love, caring and compassion and support. (all the things i never got) because i dont need it from her anymore. ive accepted she can not give me what i need and what i needed was needed many many years ago, and i needed to let it go which i did, but i do want her to treat abby better. i was on the phone with her the other day and she was talking to abby like she was an asshole, and i hated it. it made me mad that the cycle was gonna repeat itself and abby was gonna be raised with the same bad vibes as i was. but she has natalie and sarah too, so she has better chances of a better life.

its just sad. i feel bad for my brother. he has adhd, and sitting in a cell is probably the worst thing for him, i know it would pretty much kill me to be in his shoes. but i guess thats why i dont drink and drive anymore, why i dont pop pills anymore, why i dont smash glass all over my sister. he deserves to be where he is no doubt, but you gotta think what else would he really do? where else would he really end up? he failed the military test 3 times and i heard it was easier than the GED. its so sad, hes my little brother.

life is very long when your lonely..