Existential Craziness....

SO I started a new blog called "existential craziness" which came from a conversation with my friend Tibora about my life. She commented that it would be a good band name, I thought a great movie, or book title. Instead I decided to use it for a blog title. That is over at my website, www.melissaculbertson.com and I wanted to write in that tonight, but decided this be a bit more personal. I have decided recently that since I am not working a proper schedule, that its time to start working on myself and my passions. I am going to write and do art, whatever on the daily. Its time to step up to the plate and knock this ball out of the park. The sad part is that I did step up to the plate today and totally failed. I realized that I have no idea what I am doing and questioned all i know about myself and my talents. I have yet again fallen to my negative, degrading side of myself. I have to realize that this is a big step and I need to go through a few rounds before I can be good or even produce anything that anyone will want to read. The main problem is that I have a lot of ideas and stories. I see them all so much, so full, so perfect, but when I sit down to write I am blank. I decided that I have to just do it, and keep doing it over and over again until I am producing quality. I have never been trained, nor had any writing classes. I think it would be helpful to take a summer class for creative writing and learn some skills. Its just about doing now and not sitting around talking about a bunch of bullshit that I am not doing anything about. Shit I am even kind of doing that right now, but yet not. Its all so confusing and weird, thinking about my future and money and happiness. I never really thought I would be truly be happy in my life, and I now know that I can be. I know that I am meant for something great, and its time to choose and do. It has been a statement I have made several times for several years, but its do or die. I am going to perish if I dont start doing something and making a name for myself. All I really have to do is write every single day. Its that simple. But yet so fucking hard to do. What do I write about? How do I speak to? How do I format? What is even interesting to anyone, or even myself? I go about my days, but never really think about it. I am in the moment and the moment passes and I move onto a new moment. Anything really cool, I share a bit but then let it go. Its like I have been trained to think I am uninteresting and uncool. When I have been told several times by other people that is untrue. I need to believe it myself to have anything I produce be great. I need to back it, I need to back myself really. Its about trusting myself and just being me. Today I had a job interview and I honestly didn't care either way if I got the job or not. I was honest, open, communicative, intrigued and most of all ME! I felt so good when I left that interview because I knew I didn't lie, nor diss myself at all. I said what I truly believed and felt. I wasn't comprised what so ever and it felt good. I need to take that with me and continue on my journey. I am now telling myself and you if your reading this that nothing happens over night. I am starting with this week. I can write every day for 7 days. Just like I did with my diet. I just went week by week and before I knew it I was 10 pounds lighter. The same will happen with this. Before I know it I will be more confident in my writing and finding a bunch of cool stuff to write about, because I will be looking and listening. It always goes back to the basics. Always.