wheres the fucking money lebowski

so i just had the most fucked up night ive had in a long time. ive been feeling kind of weird about everything with me and greg and have known for a while that we were way too ahead of ourselves, and tonight that really came to a head. it all started when he asked me to go to his house at 5 for dinner, and i just didnt want to. i straight up was not interested. i was so confused by this because this morning i woke up at like 4am and couldnt stop thinking about seeing him and hanging out and just being with him, but when it came up i freaked. i wanted nothing to do with it at all, and kind of tried my hardest to put it off. i was convincing myself that it was because im broke. but it wasnt that at all.

so he comes over and we are chillin and start making out a bit then decide to go to my room, and "lay down" so we do and the whole time im nervous because i know he wants to have sex with me, so i tell him i dont want to..then we start talking and i decide to tell him about my weird issues with sex and how ive always found myself to be an object and all that bullshit and he freaked the motherfucking out soooo fucking hard. it was nuts. i couldnt believe my eyes, sweet chill dude went fucking nutso in like 2.3 seconds. he started going off and about how hes not doing this and girls always put this shit on him and how they dont want to have sex all the time and he just doesnt want it. i was so fucking confused at this point. all i was doing was telling him about me and he freaked. i thought he was going to leave and never talk to me again, but then he sat down and we talked about it for a while, i told him everything i felt about it and everything ive been through through out the years, and he was listening and understanding, and things got cool again kind of. then we talked about how maybe all this time i didnt really like sex and just made myself believe that i am way sexual and all this shit, and it hit me so hard, like its so true. i only have enjoyed some sex not all of it and not all the time. i always thought i was this other girl, this sexy girl who loves sex and porn, but in reality i just like masturbating. because its just me, there is no pressure to please anyone else, its all alone. so that was wild then i was like where do we go from here, and hes like i dont know..so i decide to suggest maybe just hanging out and maybe not have sex for a while, and then he fucking lost it again, it was crazy..one minute i was laying on his chest talking and the next minute hes got his jacket on and is fucking losing it. so at this point im like woah fuck this shit, if i cant talk to you then we got nothing, peace yo. he starts going off about how hes so much better off being single and how when hes single nothing can hurt him and dating sucks and all this shit, which really confused me and i was like yo how can you say that when two days ago you were telling me you loved me? how does that make any sense?? so then we talked a lot more about everything and finally i made him realize that we were going too fast and weve only hung out like 5 times and he already said he loves me, when i dont even really know him. and he got it, he finally got it we were on the same page finally. (oh and the fucking craziest part is that we were on weed cookies, and they just decided to kick in during this conversation)so then we just watched its always sunny in philadelphia, but i wanted him to leave and he said he didnt want to leave, so right now im hoping that he will either fall asleep or feel well enough to leave. i dont know how to ask him to leave without it causing another huge fight. so all i came up with is i gotta go write, and left him in the living room watching big lebowski. its ten of 2 and i need to wake up early but cant imagine trying to sleep in the same bed with him. i understand we both kinda freaked but he freaked hard. i tried to tell him how angry he got etc and it started another little weird thing, so i feel like i cant talk now, and that is no fucking good. i need some time, some space. i need to work this shit out. and i need to be in my own house alone, and not feeling trapped. oh and the other crazy part is the electric went out for the first half of this whole night too, talk about fuckedddd up.

i hate whats going on right now. i am even unsure if i can hang out with him and take it slow. i dont know if i want to be with someone like this who freaks, but then i think well these are his issues and he doesnt know how to say them properly and its coming out like this. i feel like hes totally right for me, in so many ways except this one way of us not understanding each other, and its so fucking weird because i did our birth charts and that was the one thing it said too. it said it will never last because of it. it may be right. but on the other hand i think maybe i have to go through this and so does he, we need to say why we are who we are in relationships and maybe we need to work it out together and it will make us stronger. either way i need my space tonight and dont know how to get it. i have nothing else to type, but i dont want to go back in there!

hahah im such an asshole.

***update***
so after i wrote this blog, i went to brush my teeth and had the worst feeling in my stomach. i was so anxious and fucked up and freaked out that i told myself i need to just ask him to leave, because i really couldnt even imagine having to deal with that kind of anxiety any longer, so i went into the living room, asked him how he felt and he said fine, then i was like i feel like shit and would you mind maybe...and then he went yeah i was gonna go anyways. so it actually was a lot easier than i thought it would be. im sure i was putting off the vibes pretty clearly. the second he left i felt like a weight had been lifted off of me, it was amazing. i was so proud of myself that i did what i had to do, i was bummed it took me so long, but either way i stood up for myself and my emotions. the whole night i did actually. i honestly dont know how we are going to bounce back from this. i think i need some serious time to myself, and its good im going to philly so soon, because it will get me away and give us both the space we need to work this out. if there is anything left to salvage, but i dont see this thing being over yet. we like each other too much, and we did decide to just give it a chance, so i guess thats what we will do, but i think we should only hang out like once before i leave. i think it needs to be one of those things where we hang out outside of our houses and just hang out. go on dates, kiss, but no sex unless it just happens naturally, but otherwise everything was too forced and we werent ready for it all. we went from 0-60 in no time and it just be like that.

oh and heres my horoscope for today..wildness
Friday, Nov 13th, 2009 -- You don't like being told that you cannot do something because you truly need your independence. You also have an additional emotional charge because of the similarity between the obstacles you now face and ones that you previously couldn't overcome. Although you have had to be flexible in the past, today it might make more sense to push through your own insecurities. If your ideas are worthwhile, they are also worth defending