just do it

im starting to feel a bit more like myself..the last three days all i did was drink, eat and watch baseball and go to the beach. seriously. it felt good while i was doing it, but i would always feel bad. sofia has bad fleas and i was supposed to get her flea medicine for the past three days and didnt. i was an asshole mom. i totally dissed my kid to go party. i felt like shit about it this morning. i woke up and decided i didnt want to do that today. today i wanted to do what i had to do to get back to me. i went to therapy today for the first time in months. it was nice, but weird at the same time. i told her everything that happend, but it just felt old. like old news, but there is something still holding me back from feeling like me again and i thought going to the therapist would help me find the answers. but alas it didnt. i made another appointment for 2 weeks from now. if anything its just nice to talk about yourself and only yourself for an hour. i tooted my own horn a bit about myself and my newly found goals. i think im gonna take classes here for the next year while i stay here and save money. i was gonna just save money and then go to school, but why not do them both at the same time, or at least take some classes? get this ball rolling a bit. ive been meaning to do it for so long, but it finally made the most sense to me. im gonna be here either way, might as well do something with my time. even if i fail who cares, it doesnt matter to me. i just want to do something i need to pick something and do it. just do it like nike says. its time to do something with myself.

nikole told me today that her and her friend were talking about me moving, and they were discussing how hard it will be for me to adjust to a new setting, and settle in and find friends at a new place, and to take that into consideration on where i move, and to be honest they are right. at first i played it off like i already thought about that, but i didnt. i never stopped to think about the day to day of a new place. which kinda blows because its like im either stuck here, la, or philly area. and none of them sound too appealing to me. i mean i guess they do kind of each in their own ways, but i just dont know. it feels too confining or something. here is just here, ive been unhappyish and single forever, la is too nikole and her life, and too expensive and too easy for me to fall back into party melissa, and philly is pretty much dead and gone to me, but i could just hang out with other groups and make a new place for me there semi easily. like if i lived in media or west chester or something. i could be close but not too close. i dont know man i dont know what i want or where i want, i just know i want.

gimme gimme gimme