wolf i am...

one day the waters gonna wash it away..

my heart stops when i hear this song, actually it stops every time i hear any song off that album. i am semi disappointed in myself these days, its like im a living a fake life or something. i make decisions, and stick with them, but then fall back into my old pattern again and again..i know the title of this blog isnt the title of the song, but its what i typed in, and even though its backwards, i feel like its significant. i am a wolf sort of, or maybe he is..either way we are both fucked up and wrong. i need to move on, i thought i moved on. but i cant help but get a knot in my stomach while day dreaming us hanging out. i think about the fact that next tuesday at this time, im going to be with him, possibly alone in his bedroom with him, or maybe not at all, but i cant help but think about it and fantasize about the whole scenario. its unfair of me to do to myself and to greg. i needed to move on from him, let him go, he needed to be let go, but who the fuck am i kidding? that kid has my fucking heart and i am so scared that he always will.

today terra asked me a question i havent been asked in a long time.."why not go for it? why not make it work" she then went on to discuss how ever since shes known me, hes been a hot topic with me, thats only been 3 years, this has been so much longer than that. i cant believe it to be honest. almost 5 years of my life have i been loving and dreaming and wishing for someone i cant have. he is so unavailable, and i sort of am as well. i dont want to move back to philly, and he doesnt want a girlfriend or to move to california or anywhere for that matter. how on earth could it work? am i going to break my own heart next week? am i going to be fucked up over this? is anything even going to happen? am i going to finally get closure? if i do am i going to be okay with it all? can i really give up the ghost that is rickie? is it possible? i am scared to find out.

is the water going to wash it away one day?