i wish i knew what i was really holding back..

i want me back. i want to feel like i felt before i went to philadelphia. i want the confident, healthy, exercising, happy melissa back. shes gone, i know shes not gone for good, but she is gone. she is on some extended vacation that i am so unhappy about. where did i go? why did i check out? i guess i could sit here and list the reasons, but thats the weird thing, i know the reasons, i feel like i have dealt with them, i acknowledged them, talked about them, cried about them, and so what now? what else is there to do?

my body is even taking it out on me, i tried to work out twice since i got home and my body was like taffy. it didnt want to work out, it didnt want to do anything. i wanted to lay there. as soon as my muscles started working, they would shake, shake like a herion addict coming down. shake like they couldnt even deal with the fact they were being strained. so what do they do? they fucking strain on me, take me down to the ground. unable to preform anymore tasks. all i can do is lay around and why why why? why is my body doing this? well i suppose its telling me to chill the fuck out and take the time to sit around the house and figure out whats going on in my life and how to fix it. but ya know what? i dont want to fix it, i fixed it already. time to move on.....ughhhhh on top of this pain im in from my whole body, oh yeah forgot to mention my chiropractor wants me there 3 times this week, because my bones arent aligned, my neck is out of whack and my back is just fucked. and they wont move, so he needs to make them move. how do you think i go about telling my doctor that its not gonna happen until my brain lets it? he would think im fucking nuts. oh yeah while i was torturing my body with exercise this morning, i just started crying. burst out in tears. it was the oddest thing ever. i was one second trying to remember to keep my abs tight and the next thing i know im crying. i had to leave the class, and go sit in the locker room and cry to myself. i didnt even let it all out either. i held it in and it hurt. it always hurts your chest and throat when you need to cry and you hold it back.

i wish i knew what i was really holding back.