It felt like love...

So I decided yesterday to take back control of my life. I felt like i was spinning out of control for the past few weeks, and finally the wheel stopped and i could get a grip again. I honestly cant even beleive this tyler thing is even still an issue. I wanted to break up with him 2 weeks ago, and I was sticking around because I was scared to lose the sex. I was being selfish and really just wanting to bang. I know he is not the guy for me, I have known it for a long time now and its just time to break it off. So yesterday we were texting back and fourth about the fight we got in on Thursday night. I was being very honest and telling him how its not working for me. He didnt seem to think I was being serious, because after I wrote the final chop, he wrote back that hes on the road and lets sleep on it. Its like yo dude I just broke up with you. This is going to be a lot harder than i thought, but I am sticking to my guns here. The sex isnt even good anymore anyways. Its hard for me to get into because I dont like him. I just dont like him anymore. I really really tried to, but I couldnt make myself do it. And besides I never should have to try to like someone. Either you do or you dont. The thing we had was not a relationship at all, it was bullshit. It was based on sex and it wasnt fun otherwise.

The other thing I took control of was my living situation. This place sucks. Plain and simple. I told my landlady I am moving out on the 21st and sadly I am moving into my parents house. i really dont want to do that, but I have to. Its my last straw honestly. I wont have internet or cable or anything that i want or need. I will also be back up on the hill, which I dont wanna do either. But its free. I need to save any money I would be spending on rent on moving. Living there will save me 750 dollars towards moving, and possibly rent for a place in LA. Its very apparent I am meant to be there. I dabbled with the idea that I didnt have to go there, but its not true. I need to be there. I need to go work some job, and deal with it. I am going to apply at the airport first thing when I get there. I am also gonna apply at temp jobs, just because. I will need to make money asap and its gonna be hard working so many hours for no money, but it will be steady and stable and its what I need. This whole saving money thing is new to me, and not spending my money when i go do whatever I want to do. Its gonna be good for me to have to start saying no to things that cost money and start saying yes to work. Tomorrow i am going to work with my friend fuzz at this new place and hopefully its good and hopefully they like the work I do. I realized I am a bad trimmer if there is bad weed. i need to be more aware though, and make sure I keep doing a good job. Constant quality check tomorrow. I might not make that much money, but I will give myself a good reputation, which i dont have in some circles. I know a lot of people that I work with trim together at other places, but I have never been invited, which makes me think someone said I wasnt good at it. Otherwise I am sure they would ask me to come along. Everyone enjoys my company, but nobody invites me. Even Emma was asked to work a job with J&N and that hurt to hear, and I know they felt awkward about it, as they should. It shouldnt be a secret whats up. People need to tell me these things. I have been told many times by many different people how to fix my work, and I never do. I need to get on that, because I need to learn how to suck it up and do a better job. This is my money and I cant afford to lose it. The good news is I work at least once every week for the next three weeks. Fuck though I only really work 7 more times before Jan 15th. which is my projected move date. What am I gonna do? How is this gonna work out? I just really hope that these jobs are really good and none of them are bad turn outs. I need to make the optimum amount of money from each one. I just have to keep the faith and know its gonna be okay.

Can this really be the end?

I am thinking Tyler and I are on the verge of a break up. Today was day two of cleansing and not smoking or drinking and barely eating any food at all. It didnt go over so well honestly. I felt like shit all day long and almost passed out trying to pack up some stuff around the house. I was in a shitty mood and didnt really feel so good, and he kept sending me sext messages and it grossed me out. like seriously grossed me out. I read one and went ewww. now thats no good. i decided to be a bitch and write him a message back asking him to please stop sending those to me. i knew i kinda lost my mind when i reread that later. i was embarrassed by my words and i should have just left it and not responded. i dont really know how to do that. i also realized that when i date someone i dont look at them as humans. i dont think they have emotions and i get all into myself and how i feel but i never realize how they feel. i am so fucking selfish in a relationship, and i didnt really realize it until tonight. i think i do get it once they leave but its like i make them leave by treating them like they are nothing. i am so overly concerned with myself and keeping myself happy that i never give myself fully. i never really care about them. i focus on me and how they treat or talk to me, and never how i do to them. its like some part of me thinks its okay since i communicate so nicely and make time for them, but thats not what a relationship is. its give and take and i think i just take. maybe because with matt i gave so much and same with rickie that they kinda fucked me up to the point where i dont have it to give. or maybe nobody has been worth it yet. but can i keep saying that for the rest of my life? dont get me wrong there is a large part of me that knows tyler is not meant to be in my future, but my teacher for future relationships, and possibly why i dont give in. but how can i learn while keeping myself back? ya know its true with the dog situation too, i hate his dog, but maybe he hates my dog. maybe he just hides it better. maybe sofia is super fucking annoying to him too, with how she sleeps with us or snores or lays on top of him. maybe he takes it in stride better than i do. i am a mess. holy shit. some part of me thinks that i am great and everything i do is okay and great too because i am so intune with myself, but i do disregard other people and think nobody can be like me or that nobody gets me. but i dont let them.

i got a lot of learning to do.

I AM MINE!

I am falling with no one to catch me....

I am feeling crazy lately. Life is kinda sucking in many ways, but oddly enough i know this isnt going to last and that i will be okay. i know it will work out, i know it will be okay, i know i know i know. but fuck man. fuck. this waiting and wondering is crazy. i have to be out of my house, my nest, my special place in the woods on the 24th, which is less than 20 days away and i havent done shit, literally shit to pack. i cant. i try to want to do it and i cant do it. i look at the stuff and just look at it and lay there. today i literally did nothing. not a thing. i laid on the couch and watched tv. i took a nap and watched more tv. i caught up on some shows, but mostly just watched baseball. i couldnt do anything else. the only good thing is i kinda fasted today which ruled. i only ate fruits and veggies until dinner time which i ate a piece of salmon and a bit of brown rice. i am kinda starving now, but its okay. i need to cleanse and lose some weight. im gonna do it tomorrow too. if i can lose 3-5 pounds i would be happy. it would be a start. its weird how i feel skinnier already. thats how it works for me. i need to see some sort of change and it makes me work harder. if i dont see anything i give up.

tyler and i had a really bad argument last night. I honestly dont even know how it happened, but i felt it coming. it all started when he suggested to pick me up, i had a bad feeling about it especially since we were planning on sleeping at his house. i dont like that feeling of being stuck. never had never will. Next time i will not let something like that happen. anyways so we go to dinner and hes had a busy day and i can tell his energy is weird but i figured he would chill out a bit once we got to dinner. which he kinda did, but there was this weirdness still. so we have dinner and are chatting about nonsense and i mentioned that wedding i went to and how i ran into my friend bryan who is also one of my bosses and how we got to chatting and hung out for a while and it was cool. it was cool because we never really had a chance to actually hang out and it was fun. then there was silence and i had moved on from there, and i asked him what he was thinking about cause he looked weird. he then said "i am thinking about how jealous i am of that story you just told me" i responded by, oh really? come on dont you feel secure with me? and thats when the shit hit the fan. he lost it about how i am moving and how could we be secure about anything and got this terrible tone in his voice and this look in his eye that made me sick. this has happened twice before but this time i wasnt fucking taking it. i straight up told him to not talk to me that like that and i dont deserve any of this shit due to his fucking insecurity. i was really proud of myself for standing up for myself, which oddly enough ive never done with dudes. it was empowering and great and i will not take any dudes shit again.

Ok so then we kinda figure that whole thing out about the voice and tone and he accepts that he was wrong and even starts to cry a bit. i hugged him and moved on. then i was thinking about it and realized if he is upset about me hanging out with my boss then what is he gonna do when im in LA? so i bring it up and it starts a whole other war. he kept asking me why i even told him that, etc etc. it was nasty and i was fucking pissed. he was kinda drunk and it sucked. we eventually made up kinda of. i didnt know what else to do but let it go until i had more time to think. we go to bed kiss a little and then pass out. the middle of the night we wake up and have sex, he fucking cums inside me and it automatically put me in a bad mood. its one thing to do that when im on my period, but fuck man fuck. i still think i am okay, but its scary and stupid. so i have a terrible sleep, i HATE his dog so fucking much. Makes the worst noises ive ever heard. so i wake up and hes trying to cuddle and i just go, umm can i go home? we get in the car and i dont say a peep. he drops me off and i give him a peck on the lips and tell him good luck on his drive and go in my house. as i shut the door i said im done. im fucking done.

As the day has gone on though i dont feel done. its so weird how fucking mad i was and how i hated him so much and somehow still want to see him. i dont know why. i know this shit isnt going to last at all. but i am still here for a few weeks and it would be nice to have someone help me move and have sex with. right? or am i an asshole? god i wish i knew. either way i know we will be done sooner than later. hes not the one for me at all.

For the love of you...

So tonight was a big night in my life. I was told and said I Love You to a man. Holy shit!


Tyler and I decided to start dating two days ago. We decided to call each other Boyfriend and Girlfriend. It felt big, but the whole time I had wished we were saying I love you, because I knew both of us felt it. We felt it in July when we were making love but it was too early. i am really glad we waited until this point, because its smarter and safer for me. I took last week off from him and really tried to figure out how i felt, and i came back with that I really like him and he's the best man I have ever had. its weird though sometimes when i say that i feel like a fraud. As much as i feel this relationship, some part of me feels like a fraud and a phony even though its impossible, because i do feel like he is a great match for me.

So we went out to dinner tonight and had a great time then started talking about jealousy and such and i was going off about something and all of a sudden he was like "yo i fucking love you okay? " and it was magical. I know that sounds weird and everything, but it was just right. It was the perfect time to say it. I had been wanting to say it all night long, but didnt know how. And when he said it it was on. I probably told him i loved him a million times after that too. it just felt nice to be saying that to someone who actually felt it back and wasnt just saying it to say it. there is real emotion there and its obvious.

Don't drink me I'm like turpentine...

I woke up this morning feeling really grumpy and i dont know why. i feel sort of depressed in a way, but have absolutely no reason to feel this way. i feel like my life is going pretty good, and headed in a positive way, my future is bright, my plans are gonna be okay. I just feel weird. i woke up knowing my car is dying, which sucks. i could feel it last night. it pretty much told me its on its last leg. time is coming for it to die and leave me. i need to do something about that. it just scares me because i cant afford a new car or a car payment, but i know i will have to figure it out. i wont get approved on my own for a loan, and my parents most likely wont co sign for me. i really need them to cosign for an apartment more than a car. i just need their help, and maybe i can convince them that i can do this, and i just need these two financial things from them. which neither are actually asking for cash or any money at all, just their good name. i guess there is no need to worry about it because it hasnt happened yet, but its on its way.

i also think im starting to realize i have to go back to humboldt in a few days which is totally freaking me out. its crazy how 1 month can change your whole life. last month at this time i was preparing to leave that place and know it was the thing for me to do, i was scared and nervous and ready. i feel the opposite of going back up there. i feel mad, upset, broke, confused and annoyed that i need to go backwards. i know that this is the best thing i could do though. i dont have anywhere to go here and no money to do it so i need to go up there and make money. its time to work my ass off. i have motivation to do this move to LA. i know what is here for me, i know that this is the place for me. i know my future is just starting, and this is just a bump in the road. when i get up there i cant be depressed or lazy, i need to work out and get my shit in shape and work hard and make a shit ton of money. if i can make some good loot, i can get a car and move here and just have to work hard. it will be kinda hard to find a job, but i also havent been looking at all. so i dont really know, but i have met and already know enough people that maybe i can work and make some loot. i think its going to be okay. patience is needed.

oddly enough i am kind of excited to go back to humboldt for certain things. i have been talking to tyler a bit and we are gonna hang out when im there. we will yet again have a small amount of time together and this time i have no misconceptions of what will happen between us. i know that this is just sex and why not enjoy myself for a time where i will be a place i dont really like? i will be working so much anyways, so it will be good to be at least getting laid. when i went to the psychic here she told me i can do what i want with him because it doesnt matter either way, which rules. it made me feel better about it. where as before i felt like maybe i was leading him or even me on. the thing im scared about is the original magic, will it still be there? has the time and space changed us too much? i guess i will see when i hang out with him.

fuck i am not looking forward to driving 12 hours in a few days.

Ever Changing Moods

So odd that now that the day has gone on, that I am feeling okay about V. He kinda annoyed me all day by texting some outrageous stuff, but I got to tell him what was up a few times, laid down my law and I think thats what i have to do. I need to sit down with him and tell him how i feel. All i can do is be honest and open and hope that he accepts what i say and i hope that it makes me like him more. I really do want to make out with him, I think it could be really intense. or it could be really weird and awkward. Either way i need to speak my truth. i realize when i dont, i kinda freak out. i need to always say how i feel and sometimes i just dont know how to or know what to say or how to make the words right, but i know when i do i feel a million times better and it makes me open up more and not just shut down. i know i totally shut down and become a complete asshole, but i know when im doing it its wrong. i know my annoyances are just because i am not doing what i need to do, and kinda has nothing to do with the other person involved. most things are in me, in us, all. its all how we look at stuff and how we connect and relate.

its also mercury retrograde for a few more days, so i assume this kinda shit isnt going anywhere.

Alone we stand, together we fall apart...

So this morning i woke up to Sofia barking at my roommate, then i rolled over and all of a sudden "How Soon is Now" came blaring out of my phone. So fucking weird. I immediately turned it off, then realized maybe I was supposed to listen to it. Then it made me feel depressed. The next few songs were, Alive and Kicking, Lips like Sugar, Someday and Half A Person and now its Interpols Hands Away. WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously what is the universe trying to tell me right now? This is so weird. I feel like these songs are telling me to give V a chance. But why? Hes not for me. I knew it before I went to hang out with him. I think hes good friend material, not lover material. But hey who knows. I totally freaked out yesterday. I was weird and kinda hated him. But ive felt that way several times before in my life. Thats when I retreat and hide and be bitchy. This time though, maybe I need to stick it out and see why he was brought into my life. I dont fucking know, I know its weird though. I do like him, i do. He made me feel such a certain way when we met, it was magical, and even for the day after. I felt so intense. I just think yesterday was a bad day to hang out. I should have stayed home and felt better and just hung out with him tonight. There are some things that are deal breakers like his dog smell in his house, its gross. He still kinda is living a life of a hardcore kid. But arent i doing the same thing? I somewhere feel like I am grown up and got my shit together, but I dont. I have posters hanging on my walls too. Actually Tyler actually commented on my Smiths poster in my bedroom and said it looks college like. When I was watching that movie The Future I was noticing their apartment and how they were 35 and it seemed like a kids place too. But maybe thats just our generation, and I think it was kinda the point of the film. We never want to grow up, because we dont really have to. The internet has made jobs available for people to stay in their pjs all day and do nothing.

On a side note, I think LA water is bad for my skin. I have been having trouble with my head itching, and i get these pimple like bumps on it, and all over my body. I wonder how I can remedy this.

UGH

so today i went to go hang out with that dude from philly who i thought i would really get along with and eh not so much. I mean we have tons and tons in common and love all the same music, movies and when i walked in he was playing dr mario! one of my favorite games. so all that was dope, but he was just sooooo into me. we totally skipped over the fun part of getting to know each other and figure out if we like each other, i mean i didnt he did. he was trying to hold my hand and lay on my lap and stuff like that. it was just presumptuous and weird. i dont know maybe im old fashioned byt there wasnt enough chemistry for me to be okay with it. we have so much in common, minus me wanting to make out with him. i know i cant do this shit anymore, but i really enjoyed hanging out and talking with him. hes dope. just dont want him to want to be fucking me the whole time.

last night he texted me at like 1am asking me to drive down and sleep over. that should have been a red flag for sure, but i am an idiot and went anyway. There was something telling me to not go today, but i didnt listen to myself. I really should have. I wonder if my mood would have been better tomorrow and it would have been awesome to have him treat me like that. At one point i was telling him this funny story about my friend steve and having sex with this girl hes been waiting to have sex with and her sister rolled in on them. Hes like can we not talk about sex please? i was like umm ok why cant we talk about sex and hes like because your here in front of me and i want it and i just cant talk about it with you. SO FUCKING WEIRD RIGHT? jesus. im in quite a pickle. He wants to hang out tomorrow, but i dont think i do. i need to tell him i just wanna be friends, but how do i go about that? i totally am gonna bum this dude out. i think he thinks he hit the jackpot of ladies, which of course he did but man o man. oh and he just started smoking weed a little while ago and was straight edge for most of his life, so hes like hanging out with a teenager when we get high. totally clueless. he actually told me today. " your gonna have to teach me how to smoke a joint properly" REALLLYYYYY?????

fuck i dunno what to do.

late night chats

so i live with this guy joey. he is fucking hot, hes 25, shaved blonde hair, great body and very deep emotionaly, spiritually and mentally. we have these really amazing talks and in some ways i feel like i am his guru. i help him out with his acting and his girl troubles and we hang out for hours on on. like long long times. this has only happened twice, but both times were so intense and crazy. we have yet to kiss or even talk about it. but we talk about sex a lot, and pretty much everything.

joey is the only person i have really connected with at all since ive been here. he is a friend i made on my own and i have a personal relationship with him. the thing is i am confused. i kinda want to cuddle and kiss him, but i dont want it to make things weird. on top of it im not sure he wants these things with me. he seems to be into really hot chicks who are young and dumb. i dont honestly care either. i think its all good either way, but its weird getting so close to someone who i am attracted to and have it be just friends. these times of learning are very interesting to say the least.

we were up last night till 6 am and i just woke up a bit ago and trying to figure out what to do with my day. there is so much to do in LA and so much to see, i just need to venture out and do shit. its kinda hard to do alone though. i should just jump in the car and drive to malibu or something, but i am scared of the traffic. i dont want to be on an adventure and then be sitting in traffic for 3 hours because of it. i feel like that needs to be planned. i probably should go to griffth park and go for a hike with sofia.

i only have about 3 weeks left here till i have to go back to humboldt. ive been trying to think about how i am going to feel when i get back there. am i gonna hate it so fucking much? am i gonna love it and be conflicted about la? am i gonna want to go back to hang out with tyler and get some good sex? or will i be turned off from him? there is so much to think about. but then again its me, and i always think too much. i need to let it go a bit and just be. let the river flow, as i like to say.

i really want to get tattooed. i feel like times like these are the perfect time to get tatted. ive been thinking about getting "the darkest hour is right before the dawn" but in a different language. the problem is none of the languages look as good as i want them to. or i dont like the words as much. but i have english everywhere, and i want to be a bit more discret too. i was thinking the inside of my upper arm,. i dont know where to go though, and besides if i want to get a sleeve, that will be in the way. but do i want a sleeve? i have gone over this for years and never really fully want to commit to that. which means i should get over it. its weird because i think i want it to show that i am different and i am an individual and am part of the scene that gets nice tatts. but why? that isnt really even me anymore. jimmy walsh is playing some hardcore show tomorrow and invited me to go, and i kinda dont want to. actually i am not going, i instead made plans to hang out with wes at his work. should be an interesting day to say the least. ok time to eat breakfast, its 2pm. jesus.

change thrown into the tollbooth

so ive been in LA for a week now. its kinda cool, kinda weird. everyday i feel differently about it. i feel like i like it here enough but really not so much. the weather is nice there is a lot to do, but what am i going to do? i have spent most of my time in my room hiding out or sleeping. i go out for maybe a bit then i dream of retreating to my room and hoping that nobody is home so that i can be alone. im unsure of my happiness with this move. i know that i couldnt nor can i go back to humboldt. that is out of the question. but can i stay here? im not so sure. i need a purpose still, and these wellness counselor classes seems to be right up my alley. i know i am being too hard on myself about being here, its been a week. i need to stop beating myself up. i am doing great with how i am acting and who i am spending my time with and finding balance, i am proud of myself for that stuff, but overall i dont know if my location was my problem. well i mean it was part of the problem, but overall with my happiness level and career choices im not sure location was it. i still feel directionless and scared and confused and want all these great things in my life, but yet arent doing anything to get them. when will it stop? when will i be happy enough to stop worrying and just spent my time doing something? when it comes to me? how will this happen? i know i need faith, i know i do. i have it. faith that it will all work itself out and i will be ok. i just need to keep the dream alive and well and keep myself on a path of healing, happiness and love. constantly.

speaking of love, tyler has been on my mind a lot lately, but its weird i think of him fondly but when i think of actually seeing him it freaks me out. i dont want anything to do with him like that anymore, or at least i think so. its like my body innately knows hes not right, but hes pretty damn close to right. all these other guys and situations seem okay but none of them are worth it. i dream of cuddling and kissing people ive met here, but in reality i dont want that. its just so weird i am in such a weird place in general. so much change happening at once, and emerging and growing and sadness mixed with happiness its so fucking weird. i cant believe something that ive wanted to bad could be so hard to do when i got it.

fuck i cant imagine living in humboldt again, i really cant. i guess im just having a sad day.

daddy issues...

So there is this huge disaster going on, this huge earthquake happened in Japan and we are dealing with the after effects here in Northern California. I am only an hour away from Crescent City which is where the damage is really happening. Ive been up all night and slept for a few hours woke up to a few emergency calls from my little brothers school, letting us know it is closed. I call over to my dads house to make sure they know and to just check in with them all. So I called again to check in and my dad is like oh this is nothing, which is just stupid because ive been listening to the radio and keeping myself informed and its not okay. Hes so typical and clueless its just fucking stupid. He then proceeds to ask me to watch my little brother so that he can go to work. I just got done telling him that the major roads are closed and that the first waves arent the worst ones, and he decided to argue with me. Now the most annoying part is that all this shit going on with my head and my headaches and face pain, he knows of and never even called to check on me or ask how I was feeling. I told my stepmom that I might have to have surgery and he didnt even call me. Then today when he asked me to watch Blake, I said that my headaches are pretty bad and I am going through my own shit and he acted all mad at me. He needs to get a grip. I think its time for me to have a serious talk with him. All these years I have been trying to find what to say and how to say it to him, and it kind of came to me the other day that he doesnt treat me like his kid, he treats me like a good family friend. There is no doubt that neither of us know what that means, but it does mean to have compassion for me, and to do what he can for me, emotionally and mentally and he never does. When I had a fever he didnt want to bring me anything and made Kris do it on her way to work. He just is so selfish and expects things to be done for him but not for anyone else. I dont feel any love or support from him, and my stepmom always says that its just how he is, and how he grew up but i think its bullshit and an excuse, everyone can change and grow and I dont think its fair that he gets away with it. I have always had this problem with him and I wish I could make it go away. It just makes me not want to even talk to him. He called me a minute ago and told me that the babysitter is coming up and that he is going to work. Like who the fuck makes a teenager come to work during a disaster? its bananas. im just annoyed and need to say something to him at some point.

no title...

Last night I had another intense dream. I was visiting matt gallagher and his family and all of them were there, we were hanging out and chatting, but its weird because it was at nikoles childhood home. strange right? so mr g was sitting on the couch and mrs g was cleaning and cooking or something. i came in and was hanging out with them and then matt came in and i think mikey was there too, hard to say. but he was like stay here, and then i looked outside and there was a car that was really dark and i saw someone inside and they started shooting at us and all these people were outside, i dont know who they are but everyone came running in the house screaming and i was laying on the floor right by the window watching bullets fly past and then they shut the door to the house and the door was a special door that didnt let bullets in and we were all safe, but it was really scary. then matt was gonna go outside and i kept arguing with him about it but knew i wouldnt win so i decided to leave and gave him a kiss on the head and left. in the dream i knew he may get shot anyway, but there was nothing i could do about it. so fucking weird.

I found this online and it kind of makes sense---To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun, suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation.

i went to the doctor yesterday about my headaches and they finally listened to me, but by doing this they freaked me the fuck out. after we discussed all my issues they came up with 3 things they think i can have. 1-cluster headaches, which i really dont think i have this is more nerve issues. 2-trigeminal neuralgia which is a serious disorder that i have some of the symptoms of and some i dont. 3-temporal arteritis which is a very very serious problem in which i would have to go on steroids and possibly have brain surgery. i honesty think i dont have any of these, i think i have a nerve disorder that is being pushed by something else. like a pinched nerve. i think these doctors are going to try to give me a whole bunch of medicine to try to fix me, but it will be wrong. i just need a fucking cat scan of my brain and it will show everything. thats what i think. i am really against all these medicine options and i honestly dont think i need them. so far today hasnt been bad but last night when i was going to sleep i had an episode of my face killing me really really bad. so there is no doubt something has to happen.

its only castles burning..

i am starting to worry about my headaches. researching on the net doesnt help me either, but i cant help it. i never know when its right to call the doctor again. i went to see her 2 weeks ago and my shit has gotten worse a lot worse. my headache actually woke me up in the middle of the night and just hurts so bad, that im scared now. im actually scared that there is something serious going on inside my brain. there is a part of me that thinks this neck situation is the cause and having seen this new chiro yesterday could have caused it to be worse, but it could also be something else. its like when do you trust yourself or when do you think your over reacting? its so hard. i am also wondering if watching too much greys is making me nutso. they constantly have some sort of brain tumor or crazy head thing on there so dr shepherd has something to do every episode, but still these things do happen and i am worried about myself. i have always had this fear of brain tumors or aneurysm and i try not to think about it because i dont want to bring it on myself or anything like that, ya know manifest it. i just dont want my vision to get fucked up or have any perminiate damage because i didnt make a simple call. so i called. i am waiting for the doctor to return my call and see what she says. but she pretty much blew me off last time and blamed all my troubles on my allergies, which i dont believe is true. i think its a lot worse than silly allergies. and that made me so mad that this is the health care in america they just see you and assume things and tell you to leave. i felt like i got overlooked and not the best care that i could have. hopefully me calling and saying whats up will wake her up and make her look deeper in my case and actually order some tests or something to help me, to actually see what im dealing with here. i do hope its nothing. i hope this goes away asap.

nowhere

I have been suffering so much over the past few weeks from my face, neck and headache. I finding myself in a severe depression, yesterday and the day before I didnt get out of m pjs most of the day. I am sleeping in the middle of the day, not really wanting to do much at all. I woke up this morning and felt horrible, knowing I didnt want to go anywhere or see anyone or do anything. I am in so much pain and I am scared on top of the move situation being out of my control. I am not really in control of my life right now and I dont know how to get it back. I could just give up on this LA thing, and keep living my life here, but it still is out there, it still exists. I hate this so much. I hate waiting on someone else, its very unfair Its also unfair for the people who want to move into my place too, everyone is hanging on because of me. I feel the pressure, I feel like part of a really bad train.

I had this dream last night that is confusing a bit so I want to write it out and maybe it will help me out. ok so i had a dream i was driving up my road which was all rocky and i blew out 3 of my tires. i was at a house, that kinda looked like my grandparents mountain house, but was my house. i didnt have triple a, but i thought it would be cheaper if i joined real quick then called, but my dad made me just call. so i called and asked people to come out. then i went outside and random people came to my house and were having a party all around me and i kept yelling at them to leave or fix my car and nobody would listen to me. they kept saying yeah yeah well fix it later. there was a girl there who kept placating me and was doing the dishes and i took over and told her to stop doing the dishes and fix my tires! i then coughed up this huge black rock looking thing from my throat/chest and it was gross, and i tried to cover it up and make it go down the drain. everyone at my house was partying and nobody seemed to care about the 3 blown tires on the side of the road, i asked if it was in the way and everyone was like no, its fine. but nobody would fix my car and i was getting so mad and frustrated because nobody was listening to me and trent reznor was there and he told me to listen to this cover of neil youngs "everybody knows this is nowhere" and i got mad because i said it was one of my favs and the cover sucked, but really it was the real song.

when i woke up this morning i decided to look up blown tires in dreams and it said that if you dream about that you feel your life is going nowhere. well hello. everybody knows this is nowhere.

What's my name...

I dont know. I feel like I am semi spiraling out again about my life. I have no goal, no purpose, no nothing. I mean I guess trying to move i a goal, but I am not even putting 100 percent into that. I yet again am letting life pass me by and doing nothing about it. I get so jealous of all these people actually doing something with their lives. The worst part is that I know I could be doing something too, but I constantly make excuses. Like well i cant do it here in Humboldt, there is nothing to do. This place doesn't have what I need, etc etc. But it does. I can create a DJ night for myself here and probably have it turn out semi ok. I was on a great path, until Nikole hit me up and told me I could move to LA, which just put a wrench in everything and kinda stopped my progress, i shouldnt have let that happen. I should have been like ok cool and kept doing me, until something actually happened, but instead here we are 3 weeks later and I am in inertia. I am aware that I have the power to fix this, I guess I just dont ever do it, or have the will power to do it. I decided that on the new moon, which was Friday that I would take my break, my month long break away from drinking and smoking weed, among other things. Last night I went out and i wasnt drinking at all, until later I got a whiskey and i didnt even want it, I just wanted to fit in kind of. It sucked, I wished i didnt do that. I just dont have the drive for anything these days. I seriously lay around the house in my robe and watch tv for hours on end. I didnt even smoke weed or eat weed or nothing yesterday and I watched 4 hours worth of Greys, and honestly it was on my agenda for today too. What can I do? How do I stop this insanity? the real answer is to just do it. but do what? what can i possibly do that will fulfil me? i feel like i was in such a good place recently, right before Kole called with that moving nonsense. I had a goal, to move to Arcata and find a job, it was all i thought about and talked about, it was all i wanted, until that fateful phone call. then BAM! nothing is happening. I may not even be moving there, and I wont know until i know. Its unfair and horrible. People tell me I should pack up and clean the house in preparation, but then I will be living amongst boxes and shit and I dont want that. My book shelf is packed up and sitting in the corner and I already hate it. I almost unpacked it the other day.

Overall i am still craving change, I need it and want it. I am living this weird life and I am ultimately not happy in it. I go through periods where i do stuff or hang out with people and feel okay about it, but when all is said and done, i am lonely and depressed. I hope this cleanse I am doing not only helps me lose those extra 5 pounds i put on, but also helps clear my mind and help me figure out what to do next.

Moving on..

so tonight is fucking crazy. i was sitting at my kitchen table with my friend megan having a lovely dinner, then i get a text from nikole that says "wanna move here march 1st? hetty and andy are moving" now andy and hetty are her two friends who live in this sublet place from her other friend who's on tour and they were considering moving into this other place, and i would be able to move in there with no credit check, no down payment, nothing just pay march's rent which is 800 bucks. 100 dollars cheaper than i pay now. so looks like im moving in 2 weeks to la. something ive been talking about and wanting to do for almost a year now and here it is. its upon me. the universe heard me and listened and is giving me the chance for change and a new life. but if its all ive wanted why the fuck am i so scared? im freaking the fuck out. i feel so overwhelmed and excited and anxious and about to freak out all at the same time. its just so sudden, but ive always known it would be like that. i have been saying it forever, "when i move its gonna be quick, like 2 weeks to do it or something like that" its an amazing opportunity that i dont think will come again and its time to take it. its a cute cottage house with a parking space like 6 blocks from nikole and george. i couldnt ask for anything else in the world. its really happening. its really happening. jesus. I AM FUCKING FREAKING OUT!

are you still keeping time...

in the back of your mind?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i seriously have watched 2 discs of greys today alone. i have laid in my bed on my laptop and watched season 3 of greys anatomy. what the fuck is wrong with me? i already saw these episodes but they are keeping me locked in and depressed and fuck. i am so fucking depressed. i looked at my calender to see what i was doing last year at this time, and it was the same exact thing. i wonder if my birthday brings all this up for me. like if every year that passes and i dont change my life if when my birthday comes around i just freak out and hate everything. i dont even hate stuff i just dont know what to do anymore. i constantly try and try to change certain things in my life and it never seems to work. what am i doing wrong? am i not doing the right thing or am i just getting caught up in life and forgetting. i am in this karma class and we are learning over and over again that the universe keeps bringing us back to the same point and doing the same thing over and over and over until we do something about it and switch it up. thats why the same problems constantly nag us. this depression is weird though cause i dont know what it is. is it the weed? duh of course i need to stop smoking so much weed, and i cant seem to find the balance in that. i remember last year when i stopped drinking so heavily and stopped smoking for a while it really made a difference in my life. i am feeling the pull to do that again. i know that i need to quit full time, but thats so daunting of a task. i love weed and i love smoking it, but just not every day. ugh i actually am bored of hearing myself talk about this topic. i say the same shit over and over again and i fucking hate it. i know i am in control, its all up to me to change these things. i also know i maybe super emotional right now due to pms.fuck this.

help me in my weakness..

cause im falling out of grace....


i feel so weird now after my weird sexual experience. that dude never texted me back all day and when he finally did at like 11 it was 2 words. what the fuck. my friend told me she thinks its because i left him at 4am and it hurt his ego, which helps me a little but not really. i dont see why i care so much really. i know that was gonna go nowhere, but i guess i feel some sort of rejection and it makes me nuts. why do i always put so much on people and myself? i wish i could just be chill and see things for what they really are. he went out with me to fuck me and that was it. all the shit in between was just him playing along with the game of it all. i wish i was in this game with him. the funny thing is i thought i was in some ways. i went along with all the craziness and just go with it, i didnt realize i was gonna get some weird attachment. but how can you not when it comes to sex? you share your body and your vulnerability with someone and then never see them again, its weird. anyway i should really learn from these situations because they pop up all the time and its the same every single time. i get horny, wanna bang someone, so i go out and do that and then feel empty and extreme loneliness. i usually feel 10 times lonelier than i did before i went out to find the dude. this has been going on for years and i would like it to stop, i guess im the only one to do so. maybe that will be my resolution for 32, to stop randomly fucking people and wait to do that even if i really want to. ive been told to do that for over 7 years now, its time for this cycle to end and for me to make the changes that i need. nobody else can help me now, its all about my will power and my will to change these situations i find myself in. i will never find the right guy if i keep fucking the wrong ones.

i am making a lot of changes in my 32nd year. i really want to stop smoking so much weed and stop laying on the couch and watching television. i do believe these things are due to my lack of work and challenges. i dont have to do anything weekly except go to work at the radio on thursdays. it makes me lazy and not do shit. the last few days i havent even really left the house, i sit on the couch and watch tv, smoke weed and take naps. i literally hate it. but i continue to do it anyways. what is happening to me? who am i? ugh. i am the only one who can change any of this. i guess its time to do so.


hey now baby, im beginning to see the light...

shadows..crawling..over...everything...

i had the craziest night last night and i cant decide how i feel about it. there is a part of me that doesnt care, and the other part of me does. why do i ever care too much about sex? why do i feel like i need to not do it? i want to fuck sometimes and i find myself to be a very sexual person but when im in the situation i feel myself not wanting it the way i dream of it, or whatever. i dont know if its because all these people are one night stands or people i just met and there is no connection. but i have been so fucking horny lately its been since november since ive had sex which isnt really that long, but i was going kinda nutso lately for it, and my friend hooked me up with his friend.

so i went on this blind date that i got set up on. i wasnt really sure if i should do it or not, but i decided to just go with it. its time to do things different i my motto for 2011. i always do things the same way and i dont want to anymore. i want to try something new and see if i get any new results. so anyways we decided to go bowling thinking it would be a good ice breaker and indeed it was. so i pick him up and automatically im like ehh no thanks, but then i realized he was really cute and had a nice body. so we go bowling and half way through he kisses me and then it was kind of on from there. we bowled and met these people around us. we decided to go outside and had an intense make out session, it was so fucking hot. so i was ready and wanting to fuck for sure. so the night continues and we run into a few of his friends. one of them happens to be this hot ass girl, who is totally flirting with me and keeps talking about taking me home and everything. i thought she was joking, but it was fun, then we went to the bathroom and made out. it was hot. i kind of wanted to go home with her instead, but i didnt, i went home with adam.

we get to his house and take off our clothes immediately and then im not into it anymore. it was rough and it hurt and i wasnt feeling it at all, i actually started to cry a little bit. it felt like i was being raped in some weird way, and didnt know how to stop it. which happens to me a lot actually, i usually feel not into it once its happening and just kind of wait for it to be over. so i stopped him and kinda just laid there and said i felt dizzy. we then were laying all sweet and he was being so nice to me and we started kissing all slow and it was awesome so then we ended up having super nice sex for a long ass time he took forever to cum, which i later found out he took a vicotin which explained a lot. supposedly my friend who hooked us up, said hey my friend needs to get laid, take the pill so you can last longer. it made me feel weird, but whatever. i dont see a future with this dude at all. hes 27 and smokes and does drugs. 3 of my no nos.

anyway the issue at hand here is how weird i get with sex and how i semi have panic attacks in these situations. i kinda feel like i shoudl go to therapy for it. there is some underlying issue i have with sex. i dont recall being abused ever, but maybe i was at some point either in this life or another one, and its carrying over. i need to deal with this. i always blew it off and decided it would all be okay when i get a boyfriend. but how the fuck am i ever gonna get a boyfriend? its not magically gonna happen where i feel extra comfortable and all this shit is gonna go away its not. i need to deal with it somehow.

also is it weird that i wanna hang out with that dude again? even when i know its not going anywhere? isnt that what dating is?

fuck.