Ever Changing Moods

So odd that now that the day has gone on, that I am feeling okay about V. He kinda annoyed me all day by texting some outrageous stuff, but I got to tell him what was up a few times, laid down my law and I think thats what i have to do. I need to sit down with him and tell him how i feel. All i can do is be honest and open and hope that he accepts what i say and i hope that it makes me like him more. I really do want to make out with him, I think it could be really intense. or it could be really weird and awkward. Either way i need to speak my truth. i realize when i dont, i kinda freak out. i need to always say how i feel and sometimes i just dont know how to or know what to say or how to make the words right, but i know when i do i feel a million times better and it makes me open up more and not just shut down. i know i totally shut down and become a complete asshole, but i know when im doing it its wrong. i know my annoyances are just because i am not doing what i need to do, and kinda has nothing to do with the other person involved. most things are in me, in us, all. its all how we look at stuff and how we connect and relate.

its also mercury retrograde for a few more days, so i assume this kinda shit isnt going anywhere.

Alone we stand, together we fall apart...

So this morning i woke up to Sofia barking at my roommate, then i rolled over and all of a sudden "How Soon is Now" came blaring out of my phone. So fucking weird. I immediately turned it off, then realized maybe I was supposed to listen to it. Then it made me feel depressed. The next few songs were, Alive and Kicking, Lips like Sugar, Someday and Half A Person and now its Interpols Hands Away. WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously what is the universe trying to tell me right now? This is so weird. I feel like these songs are telling me to give V a chance. But why? Hes not for me. I knew it before I went to hang out with him. I think hes good friend material, not lover material. But hey who knows. I totally freaked out yesterday. I was weird and kinda hated him. But ive felt that way several times before in my life. Thats when I retreat and hide and be bitchy. This time though, maybe I need to stick it out and see why he was brought into my life. I dont fucking know, I know its weird though. I do like him, i do. He made me feel such a certain way when we met, it was magical, and even for the day after. I felt so intense. I just think yesterday was a bad day to hang out. I should have stayed home and felt better and just hung out with him tonight. There are some things that are deal breakers like his dog smell in his house, its gross. He still kinda is living a life of a hardcore kid. But arent i doing the same thing? I somewhere feel like I am grown up and got my shit together, but I dont. I have posters hanging on my walls too. Actually Tyler actually commented on my Smiths poster in my bedroom and said it looks college like. When I was watching that movie The Future I was noticing their apartment and how they were 35 and it seemed like a kids place too. But maybe thats just our generation, and I think it was kinda the point of the film. We never want to grow up, because we dont really have to. The internet has made jobs available for people to stay in their pjs all day and do nothing.

On a side note, I think LA water is bad for my skin. I have been having trouble with my head itching, and i get these pimple like bumps on it, and all over my body. I wonder how I can remedy this.

UGH

so today i went to go hang out with that dude from philly who i thought i would really get along with and eh not so much. I mean we have tons and tons in common and love all the same music, movies and when i walked in he was playing dr mario! one of my favorite games. so all that was dope, but he was just sooooo into me. we totally skipped over the fun part of getting to know each other and figure out if we like each other, i mean i didnt he did. he was trying to hold my hand and lay on my lap and stuff like that. it was just presumptuous and weird. i dont know maybe im old fashioned byt there wasnt enough chemistry for me to be okay with it. we have so much in common, minus me wanting to make out with him. i know i cant do this shit anymore, but i really enjoyed hanging out and talking with him. hes dope. just dont want him to want to be fucking me the whole time.

last night he texted me at like 1am asking me to drive down and sleep over. that should have been a red flag for sure, but i am an idiot and went anyway. There was something telling me to not go today, but i didnt listen to myself. I really should have. I wonder if my mood would have been better tomorrow and it would have been awesome to have him treat me like that. At one point i was telling him this funny story about my friend steve and having sex with this girl hes been waiting to have sex with and her sister rolled in on them. Hes like can we not talk about sex please? i was like umm ok why cant we talk about sex and hes like because your here in front of me and i want it and i just cant talk about it with you. SO FUCKING WEIRD RIGHT? jesus. im in quite a pickle. He wants to hang out tomorrow, but i dont think i do. i need to tell him i just wanna be friends, but how do i go about that? i totally am gonna bum this dude out. i think he thinks he hit the jackpot of ladies, which of course he did but man o man. oh and he just started smoking weed a little while ago and was straight edge for most of his life, so hes like hanging out with a teenager when we get high. totally clueless. he actually told me today. " your gonna have to teach me how to smoke a joint properly" REALLLYYYYY?????

fuck i dunno what to do.

late night chats

so i live with this guy joey. he is fucking hot, hes 25, shaved blonde hair, great body and very deep emotionaly, spiritually and mentally. we have these really amazing talks and in some ways i feel like i am his guru. i help him out with his acting and his girl troubles and we hang out for hours on on. like long long times. this has only happened twice, but both times were so intense and crazy. we have yet to kiss or even talk about it. but we talk about sex a lot, and pretty much everything.

joey is the only person i have really connected with at all since ive been here. he is a friend i made on my own and i have a personal relationship with him. the thing is i am confused. i kinda want to cuddle and kiss him, but i dont want it to make things weird. on top of it im not sure he wants these things with me. he seems to be into really hot chicks who are young and dumb. i dont honestly care either. i think its all good either way, but its weird getting so close to someone who i am attracted to and have it be just friends. these times of learning are very interesting to say the least.

we were up last night till 6 am and i just woke up a bit ago and trying to figure out what to do with my day. there is so much to do in LA and so much to see, i just need to venture out and do shit. its kinda hard to do alone though. i should just jump in the car and drive to malibu or something, but i am scared of the traffic. i dont want to be on an adventure and then be sitting in traffic for 3 hours because of it. i feel like that needs to be planned. i probably should go to griffth park and go for a hike with sofia.

i only have about 3 weeks left here till i have to go back to humboldt. ive been trying to think about how i am going to feel when i get back there. am i gonna hate it so fucking much? am i gonna love it and be conflicted about la? am i gonna want to go back to hang out with tyler and get some good sex? or will i be turned off from him? there is so much to think about. but then again its me, and i always think too much. i need to let it go a bit and just be. let the river flow, as i like to say.

i really want to get tattooed. i feel like times like these are the perfect time to get tatted. ive been thinking about getting "the darkest hour is right before the dawn" but in a different language. the problem is none of the languages look as good as i want them to. or i dont like the words as much. but i have english everywhere, and i want to be a bit more discret too. i was thinking the inside of my upper arm,. i dont know where to go though, and besides if i want to get a sleeve, that will be in the way. but do i want a sleeve? i have gone over this for years and never really fully want to commit to that. which means i should get over it. its weird because i think i want it to show that i am different and i am an individual and am part of the scene that gets nice tatts. but why? that isnt really even me anymore. jimmy walsh is playing some hardcore show tomorrow and invited me to go, and i kinda dont want to. actually i am not going, i instead made plans to hang out with wes at his work. should be an interesting day to say the least. ok time to eat breakfast, its 2pm. jesus.

change thrown into the tollbooth

so ive been in LA for a week now. its kinda cool, kinda weird. everyday i feel differently about it. i feel like i like it here enough but really not so much. the weather is nice there is a lot to do, but what am i going to do? i have spent most of my time in my room hiding out or sleeping. i go out for maybe a bit then i dream of retreating to my room and hoping that nobody is home so that i can be alone. im unsure of my happiness with this move. i know that i couldnt nor can i go back to humboldt. that is out of the question. but can i stay here? im not so sure. i need a purpose still, and these wellness counselor classes seems to be right up my alley. i know i am being too hard on myself about being here, its been a week. i need to stop beating myself up. i am doing great with how i am acting and who i am spending my time with and finding balance, i am proud of myself for that stuff, but overall i dont know if my location was my problem. well i mean it was part of the problem, but overall with my happiness level and career choices im not sure location was it. i still feel directionless and scared and confused and want all these great things in my life, but yet arent doing anything to get them. when will it stop? when will i be happy enough to stop worrying and just spent my time doing something? when it comes to me? how will this happen? i know i need faith, i know i do. i have it. faith that it will all work itself out and i will be ok. i just need to keep the dream alive and well and keep myself on a path of healing, happiness and love. constantly.

speaking of love, tyler has been on my mind a lot lately, but its weird i think of him fondly but when i think of actually seeing him it freaks me out. i dont want anything to do with him like that anymore, or at least i think so. its like my body innately knows hes not right, but hes pretty damn close to right. all these other guys and situations seem okay but none of them are worth it. i dream of cuddling and kissing people ive met here, but in reality i dont want that. its just so weird i am in such a weird place in general. so much change happening at once, and emerging and growing and sadness mixed with happiness its so fucking weird. i cant believe something that ive wanted to bad could be so hard to do when i got it.

fuck i cant imagine living in humboldt again, i really cant. i guess im just having a sad day.