deep in the ocean..

there lies a wave for you...

im feeling much better than i was a few days ago, i think music has really helped me through all of this. i played a fantastic radio show last night. it really brought out all my emotions and made me feel better. then even better i think he listened and maybe got weirded out or maybe liked it i dont know. he was online, and he usually listens when he gets home from the bar. i dont know why i care, he hasnt even talked to me since i was home. he replied to one of my status updates, but thats about it. i did happen to play the song that he commented with on my show. im doing my usual thing where i freak out and think the worst thing possible about everything, just because i havent talked to him in a few days, but the reality is if he had feelings for me, he would want to talk to me right? i am just giving him and myself time to process all of the stuff that happened over the past few week, its a lot to deal with really. part of me is scared that if i dont tell him i changed my mind about us then he will move on, then i laugh at myself and go well fuck him then if he bounces that quick, and he actually might. so i need to just trust that things will be how they will be.

greg is another issue im dealing with. im so uninterested in him, but i dont know what to do about it. he texted me last night and i just ignored it. i really ignored it and i feel bad, and i feel like things are left open, and i need to close them. he is not right for me. i need to notice this type of stuff earlier. i need to take things slower and not open up so much so quick, because it always leads to a bad thing. i need to go back to thinking im not going to meet a dude around here. its not happening. especially when i think rickie is my one. but i get scared to say that. it seems impossible in a way. i read yesterday this thing about falling in love with the potential of a person, rather than the person who they are. i did that with matt, and i think i am doing that with rickie. its like they let me see this side of them, and i hold onto that side and want it to exist all the time, but they dont let it out all the time, and they hide those feelings and part of themselves, so i just wait for it to come out again. but then i find myself waiting around for years and then are disappointed when it doesnt. i feel like i know this other side of them, which could be a lie honestly. they could just be talking shit to me and i eat it up. just like an idiot. i need to protect myself better from falling too hard. i need more, i want more. but i also want him. i want to go back to the bubble of waking up and cuddeling and kissing, and just having fun, playing like little cubs, i was so comfortable all of it was comfortable. i miss it.

live through this..