i just saw that line for a car ad and it really got me thinking. ive been really on that topic lately. what moves me? what am i into? what is my passion in life? well weed is one of them. i love it so much, i love to smoke it, eat it, touch it, smell it, its incredible, but yet one of those things i really need to cut down on. i think it might be clouding me. my palm reader said my ora was weak it still was shining but not as bright as it should be. i really believe that weed plays a large part in this. i never take breaks, i smoke all the time, im high every night, and every night i dont do shit but watch tv. im lame. this is making me have no passion, nothing moving me. i dont give time to think about myself and what i actually want and need to do for myself. its funny because i feel like i really got it locked down on what kind of relationship i want. i know the guy i want, i can kind of see him a little bit. its weird because its more than ive ever felt. i really feel like it is coming to me, i dont know how soon, but i really feel like its just waiting for the right time. the time i stop talking to r and just tell him i dont think shit is gonna be ever. its funny cause i know it and have known it but seem to not tell him. its like i like playing along or something. but it annoys me on the other hand. im trying to let it fade out a bit, but i dont think thats gonna work. g on the other hand is holding my interest for some reason. he keeps coming up in my mind, a lot. its weird because i havent hung out with him in forever. i dont even know what its like to be around him, or anything. what if hes annoying? why am i thinking so much about someone i know so little? is it because im trying to find a replacement for r? is this just another person to keep me busy? is that another thing holding me back? is it easier to live this life online with these dudes because they arent here? i dont know.
sometimes i think its worse i have all this internet love, because its unfulfilling. i hate it. i cant smell them, or feel their energy fully. i want more than anything a love in my life, but im thinking its not coming to me until i got me under order. meaning that once i decide what im gonna do and where im gonna go, ill meet him. and it will maybe not seem to work out, but it will. i dont know. arizona texas maine boston all these places are floating around in my head. they have all been put there by psychic of some sort and i wish i knew why. they are both so close to each other its kind of scarry. i do believe still that it will all work itself out for me. ive been looking at grad schools again, and honestly university of texas is the most appealing to me. but can i live in texas? i cant smoke weed there! haha maybe its a good thing. sofia would be too hot, i keep thinking would i take her with me? why not right? but the idea keeps coming into my head over and over, why would i not take her with me though? shes my family, shes my baby, but maybe not? weird. all these thoughts keep coming in and out of my head and im just trying to take them all with a grain of salt. lock them away and store them for later when they are more relevant. i made a list today though of all the jobs i can think of that i would want. here are some:
dj, podcaster, blogger, nurse, guidance counselor, therapist, music supervisor, girls friday, life coach, teen advocate
i really need to think about me. me me me me me! what do I want? what do I want to do for the next few years? what do I want to spend my energy getting lost in? ive been told i need more schooling/training so i think the best bet would be to start studying for the gres. that would be doing something positive towards something else, and if worse came to worse i could always go back to school for the next 5 years and have that part be over. but i do already know who i would want to write my cover letters and what my mission statement would be and all. maybe school is for me. but next september. so i need to apply by january or something. time to get on the gres.
i need to find what moves me.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
time to move on..
Its time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, it s time to get going
man i really feel like that these days. i feel so ungrounded, i feel so unlike me. i lost myself again, i always lose myself, but the cool thing is i come back quicker and quicker each time. its like i know where i gotta be, but i just dont also do it. i feel like im gonna make a big change soon. i went to the palm reader the other day and she told me that i need to open my blinders because they are holding me back, and that i have all the ideas and plans i need if i just listen to myself. she told me to start meditating, which i feel i do, but maybe just not enough. i need to do that on a more regular basis. i need to do a lot more daily things. i get so wrapped up, i cant ever find the balance with myself. the good thing is that i know what i dont want, which is a start. that lady also told me to make a list of everything i like or dream of, and then go down the list and figure out which works and which doesnt. its a good idea. she said 2010 is my year and that its all gonna come together for me. its funny because shes not the first who told me that, which makes me more stoked! she told me i would be married by 33, and that i need to cut off r, because he is keeping me from finding my soul mate. i havent figured out how to break the news to him yet though. i need to fade out, but i know it wont work. i need to be upfront with him and tell him we have no future. we just dont. hes no good for me, i didnt need the palm reader to tell me that. i knew after i broke up with brian and realized i didnt want r that the next dude i go out with for real is my dude. i was also told i will do more schooling or training or some sort, and she sees me in texas, which is weird. but then i remembered my one teacher went to u of texas, austin and told me about this amazing program they have and how he could help me get into that school, so for shits and giggles i checked it out and he was right, its totally up my alley. maybe my thing is to save up money and go to grad school for 2 years, i would only need rent and bills money. i dont know i feel like i always go back to the idea of school when i feel lost. but maybe its because im meant to go there, and just never feel like its the right time. but maybe the time is now, maybe those blinders are when i think of texas i go ughh no way, but maybe i am meant to go there. i dont know. i dont know what im supposed to do. but i need to do something. i need to put energy out there for my future and for a family of my own. i know i will fall in love and have a wonderful life. i know it.
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, it s time to get going
man i really feel like that these days. i feel so ungrounded, i feel so unlike me. i lost myself again, i always lose myself, but the cool thing is i come back quicker and quicker each time. its like i know where i gotta be, but i just dont also do it. i feel like im gonna make a big change soon. i went to the palm reader the other day and she told me that i need to open my blinders because they are holding me back, and that i have all the ideas and plans i need if i just listen to myself. she told me to start meditating, which i feel i do, but maybe just not enough. i need to do that on a more regular basis. i need to do a lot more daily things. i get so wrapped up, i cant ever find the balance with myself. the good thing is that i know what i dont want, which is a start. that lady also told me to make a list of everything i like or dream of, and then go down the list and figure out which works and which doesnt. its a good idea. she said 2010 is my year and that its all gonna come together for me. its funny because shes not the first who told me that, which makes me more stoked! she told me i would be married by 33, and that i need to cut off r, because he is keeping me from finding my soul mate. i havent figured out how to break the news to him yet though. i need to fade out, but i know it wont work. i need to be upfront with him and tell him we have no future. we just dont. hes no good for me, i didnt need the palm reader to tell me that. i knew after i broke up with brian and realized i didnt want r that the next dude i go out with for real is my dude. i was also told i will do more schooling or training or some sort, and she sees me in texas, which is weird. but then i remembered my one teacher went to u of texas, austin and told me about this amazing program they have and how he could help me get into that school, so for shits and giggles i checked it out and he was right, its totally up my alley. maybe my thing is to save up money and go to grad school for 2 years, i would only need rent and bills money. i dont know i feel like i always go back to the idea of school when i feel lost. but maybe its because im meant to go there, and just never feel like its the right time. but maybe the time is now, maybe those blinders are when i think of texas i go ughh no way, but maybe i am meant to go there. i dont know. i dont know what im supposed to do. but i need to do something. i need to put energy out there for my future and for a family of my own. i know i will fall in love and have a wonderful life. i know it.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The face of the monster in the mirror mocked me
i feel kind of lost these days. i mean its so weird because i feel like i got my shit together in a sense, i got what i wanted and what i needed,but i feel like i lost me in the process..its a good reminder to reconginze that when im with a dude, i lose myself and its something i need to not do. i think thats why i keep getting all these things coming at me, to train me so that when my real dude comes along i will be prepared and ready for an awesome relationship. im really starting to think that r isnt my one. its weird though right? ive spent years thinking about him all the time, and wondering if we will ever be together, and now he talks about the same stuff, but deep down inside me i know hes not it. its a very weird feeling, because even as i type that i feel weird saying it like i dont believe it. but that little voice in my head keeps telling me so. and on top of it i found my old psychic tape and she told me the same thing. she said we will reconnect but he wasnt the one for me. supposedly the right one is from arizona or something weird like that. but i cant even think about that shit right now. i gotta focus on me.
what am i doing with my life? i have no future goals or career ideas at all. i flip flop back and fourth on moving or staying here. one thing i know is true that i need to stick it out for at least 6 more months and make serious loot, maybe even longer. if i can make enough money to have a few months to chill out somewhere or even longer it would be awesome. the funny thing is i think about making money and not wanting to leave, and just vacationing a lot. sofia is my only problem with that, this is the first time since i got her that i feel held back by her. i want to go travel the world and do shit, but i cant because i got a dog and someone else would have to watch her, and that wouldnt be fair. i guess i could take her to philly and my mom would if i really went away for a while. i cant even think about that right now though really. i need to get my shit together. i get so frustrated with this career situation. why cant i just pick something? am i scared? kole said that i need to just take chances and do stuff, otherwise im gonna be in this safe little bubble forever. shes totally right, but what chance is there to take? am i not looking in the right spots? am i not in the right spot? i know shes probably referring to me moving down to la, but i dont know if thats the right place for me. as i was listening to my tape, she mentioned boston having career opportunities for me, i just wish i knew where to even look to have that work out.
its weird i feel so confused about life and love and future, but i also feel so free. i feel like wow i really learned a lot from brian and that short but sweet relationship. it was close to being right. i was imagining a puzzle piece and he was a bit too big to fit, where as rickie fits but has some pieces missing from the sides so it doesnt look quite right, but there is someone out there for me who fits perfectly. i have faith in that now. this whole thing brought me back to life. i was fading fast in a sea of loneliness and thinking i would be alone forever, but once i started having sex again, i came back! people were telling me i looked brighter and healthier, i moved my block from my energy. i feel good. i feel positive and ready to get back to me. get back to the good life.
what am i doing with my life? i have no future goals or career ideas at all. i flip flop back and fourth on moving or staying here. one thing i know is true that i need to stick it out for at least 6 more months and make serious loot, maybe even longer. if i can make enough money to have a few months to chill out somewhere or even longer it would be awesome. the funny thing is i think about making money and not wanting to leave, and just vacationing a lot. sofia is my only problem with that, this is the first time since i got her that i feel held back by her. i want to go travel the world and do shit, but i cant because i got a dog and someone else would have to watch her, and that wouldnt be fair. i guess i could take her to philly and my mom would if i really went away for a while. i cant even think about that right now though really. i need to get my shit together. i get so frustrated with this career situation. why cant i just pick something? am i scared? kole said that i need to just take chances and do stuff, otherwise im gonna be in this safe little bubble forever. shes totally right, but what chance is there to take? am i not looking in the right spots? am i not in the right spot? i know shes probably referring to me moving down to la, but i dont know if thats the right place for me. as i was listening to my tape, she mentioned boston having career opportunities for me, i just wish i knew where to even look to have that work out.
its weird i feel so confused about life and love and future, but i also feel so free. i feel like wow i really learned a lot from brian and that short but sweet relationship. it was close to being right. i was imagining a puzzle piece and he was a bit too big to fit, where as rickie fits but has some pieces missing from the sides so it doesnt look quite right, but there is someone out there for me who fits perfectly. i have faith in that now. this whole thing brought me back to life. i was fading fast in a sea of loneliness and thinking i would be alone forever, but once i started having sex again, i came back! people were telling me i looked brighter and healthier, i moved my block from my energy. i feel good. i feel positive and ready to get back to me. get back to the good life.
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