marginal over..

sometimes i question myself a little too much. its been over a week since ive been back and thats all, weird right? so fucking weird. ive already gone through so many fucking emotions in this week its bananas. i need to chill out on that kind of shit. i already started to get angry and impatient that i havent really had a chance to talk to r about anything, but dude its been a week. chill. this is what i tell myself over and over again, but i cant help it. i feel so cheated or something when it comes to his time and talking to him. its so retarded. i know if i keep trying to talk to him, i blend into those girls who keep pestering him and texting yadayada so i stopped. i knew he wouldnt respond to my email yesterday, but its all good. i reread it and im glad i wrote it. all i did was say im his friend always and if he needs me im here. thats all i can do. all the other stuff needs to do its own thing when and if its supposed to. im started to get scared thinking maybe im wrong, maybe he isnt the one for me, but then i laugh and go duhh its so obvious, but is it? is he just an addiction? am i addicted to the drama he puts me through? we never even dated, we never went on a date once in the 4 years this has been going on! how could i imagine marrying him? its so odd. but then again its not at all. this all makes sense in some weird twilight zone kinda way. i also go to the whole, well maybe hes over me now that the fantasy came true, and he got to be with me and now hes not brutting over it anymore..which may or may not be true. when i asked him about that post sex he said it was better than his fantasy, but i mean who wouldnt say that? i need to relax and keep writing on here instead of writing him. maybe this is a lesson for me to learn in patience and trust.