searching for a home..

so im feeling uber antsy, i just want to do something, i want something new! im so bored of this life, this life of being alone all the time. i know that soon i will have terra and jenna around more often, but in reality they will fill a certain void but not the one i need filled. but ya know maybe it will lead to that, maybe me going out more often will lead me into meeting someone. i realized that if im just sitting around my house alone, im not putting anything out there to meet anyone new. im hiding myself away still and i dont mean to, its kinda all i know anymore. i was gonna put an ad up on craigslist, but when i did that last time it didnt work, i met that dude joe, but he was weird as far as i remember. i think he got mad at me a lot or something. either way it didnt work out in my best interest, so im kinda scared to do it again. and besides i dont know what to even write to describe myself. i dont know what i want, wait thats a lie, i totally know what i want i guess i dont know what to say about it in an ad. i dont want to put it all out there and i dont want to not either. i need the balance, but i havent found it yet, so i decided to just wait until i find the right words.

i feel something coming soon, but i also have been saying that for months now. i guess summer time gets me all excited for possibilities of meeting new people. but i also forgot that around here it is never really summer. i wrote a misconnection today too for this hot boy i saw at the bank. i think he is the same boy i met at the talib kweli show. i hope he reads those things. either way im putting the energy out there, and thats all i can do. try try try

maybe it isnt so long before dawn?

so the past few weeks i have been feeling a little bit less than normal. i have been out of it, bummed, upset, depressed, not getting dressed, barely eating, not really talking to anyone, everyday just felt like i was going through the motions. something was keeping me down pretty bad. but alas, the new moon has come and changed it all like it usually does!! i was out walking the other day and i just couldnt even fathom feeling motivated ever again, the downiness had me so deep in the darkness of despair that i couldnt see the light at the end of the tunnel that was coming! so yesterday i cleaned the fuck outta my house, like crazy. i just went into cleaning mode and cleaned and cleaned and scrubbed the floors so hard and it was hard work, but i did it. i did it not stoned, and with no music. i barely had any thoughts while i was doing it. it was very meditative for me i guess. i guess i just needed to clean. its funny because if you came in my house right now you wouldnt even notice it. its things ive been putting off and never ever do. sometimes the dirt just builds up so much you forget what its even supposed to look like clean. i guess thats a good metaphor for me these days. there is so much loneliness that i forget what love looks like and feels like.

but i woke up this morning and craigslist personal ads flashed in my head, so i went there to look, to just see what was going on on there, if there was anyone interesting about and there was. there was this one post that just felt right in some way, it even had this rad picture of bjork record shopping which is one of my all time fav pics of her! so i decided to write this dude an email. i was just me, i didnt reread it a hundred times to make sure i sounded cool, i was just me. even if it doesnt go anywhere its fun. its good to get myself out there in some way, put that energy out there that im lookin for someone, even if its this one act. but ive been really trying to listen to myself when something pops into my head, ive been following it. i feel like maybe they are the doors that are knocking. things pop up there and are so clear, that if i ignore them id be an idiot. i feel like my intuition has been on too lately like super good.

so i guess now i just sit and wait to see what happens. no fuck that no sitting nor waiting, im going to do my thing and see what happens!! i will email a few times, even send a pic or two, maybe we should chat on aim or something first. it would be nice to meet somewhere, but blind dates are usually not my thing. i just need to make sure i dont act all scared. i need to do what feels right without fear being one of them.


*****update*******
so i talked to this dude a few times over email, then on aim..he kept pushing me to go hang out with him and i kept telling him i didnt want to quite yet, i wanted to get to know him better and he kept pushing for it, and then when i finally was like well i guess we are on different pages, nice to meet you, he was all go on your own pace blah blah blah, so then i was like oh maybe i misunderstood this dude, and decided to keep the conversation going, then he had to be like your missing out on meeting me because im an awesome fun guy and you are missing out, like what the fuck! then i was like yo thats what i mean with pushing, why cant we just get to know each other, you are pretty much a stranger, and his response was well not to myself, like ugh i fucking hate people like that more than anything else in the world. i hate people who just cant go with the flow, they have to be on top or something, i bruised his ego cause i wouldnt go hang out with him after i just sent him an email this morning. jesus. fuck that dude. he doesnt even have a car, because he got in an accident, but i have a feeling it was a while ago. hes a normal fucking loser humboldt dude. full of himself and thinks he is gods gift to women, well obviously not if your posting on craigslist. fuck fuck fuck. i hate that i put myself out there again, why did i send him a picture? now he knows what i look like. gross.

i hate.....

this is a compete post to just fucking freak out.

i hate rude people i hate people who argue in circles, i hate people who always think they are right i hate people who are cheap and use it as a crutch to get what they need i hate people who dont listen i hate people who have circular arguments i hate passive aggressive people i hate working the counter at my job i hate that i have to work at all i hate getting paid peanuts to get stressed out i dont know how people do it all the time i hate when people try to sas you when they are wrong i hate when you cant just fucking punch someone when you want to really really bad i hate when people say they are telling all their friends to not come here anymore, who the fuck cares seriously. if your rude we dont want you to come around anyway fuck you fuck your ugly face and fuck your mom jeans

desperado..why dont you come to your senses?

i cant tell if im going crazy or not from lack of sex. is my mind making me think i need to do certain things so i can eventually get laid again? am i making decisions based on the proper thing? am i really supposed to move to los angeles? is that for real? i dont understand myself these days. i dont know what im supposed to do anymore, but i just feel stuck. the picture i get is me stuck in these clothes that are too tight for me, and im trying to get them off, but they are stuck on me. i took it as a metaphor for where im living and my current situation. but what if im wrong? what if i am actually making the best life for myself here, wait no fucking way. not a change. jesus christ i feel like a fucking skitz freak right now. im arguing with myself on a blog.

when i think of this place, so much good thoughts come, flooded with bad..when i think of living in la, it seems like it will all be good but i think im looking at it with rose colored glasses. im just so desperate to get out of here, im not really thinking of things. crime is one big thing. hollywood aint a good neighborhood..but then i think, well you lived in south philly in not a good neighborhood and you were fine. but right now i live where there is not even a chance of bad shit happening, i live in the middle of nowhere, but then i think im just overly protecting myself by thinking that. i do have a life up here, and i keep saying i dont, but i totally do. it may not be the life, i think i want, but its a life. i have friends, i have routines, i have jobs, i have family. the only thing missing is a boyfriend, and i wonder if i think that if i move i will have that part too, but will i have the rest? i guess i will but not in the same way, but then again nothing is ever the same. things are always different everywhere you go, even if you have the same scenario, there is no way for it to be exactly the same. i guess im scared of that change. what if i cant make it there, what if i dont fit in, what if i make bad decisions again? what if i do fall in love with someone who i shouldnt. i cant go down that road again, no way. but there is something pulling me there so badly and i just dont know if its because im dying for sex and a change, and some real connection to my past self. but my past self is me still. in some way. i feel like im losing the old me too much or something. maybe thats it. maybe im clinging onto this because its a piece of my other life but in this life. but it would be same in many ways, i could never change anyone. i can only change myself, which i totally have, but why do these thoughts still consume me? why do i need to feel like that? am i going through my 30 year old crisis?

but why not just jump in head first? why not give it a shot? i have the means to do so, i mean i will have the means to do so soon enough. i can totally just move without a thought, and im kinda not happy about that. i can leave places and feel like i have nothing holding me back, which is partially true. i dont have kids or a family, i just have me and sofia. but i can leave places and be okay with it always. ive done it so many times, when is it not going to be okay? when am i going to feel like i dont have to keep rambling on? because i totally am a rambler! i leave when i cant deal anymore, and i never let anyone in. im like that song desperado, the worst thing a person can be. when i heard that story about kurt and his friend, and how that song reminds him of her, i really think its me too. ive been out riding fences for too long now. the scariest part is "you better let somebody love you" its true for me. im really her. freedom, well thats just some people talking.

crap. i have deep shit going on still. im glad i smoked weed tonight, i wasnt going to because its monday, but i really felt like i should. i felt like i did my work for the day, and am doing more work tomorrow to further myself, that it was gonna be okay if i did. and this is why. it let my brain open up and let this shit out for this blog. i guess i just needed an outlet that i didnt really know i needed. i have been feeling down lately, but unsure why. thought it was from not smoking, or just coming back from LA but its not. ive been home for a while now, and i feel like i just left yesterday. im not back in my humboldt selt, and not sure i ever really will again.