We are the ever living ghost of what once was..

the hole in my heart is larger than the grand canyon..

last night was by far one of the craziest nights ive had in a long ass time. i am so glad i am able to write about it now, because ive been a mess all day.

so where to begin..well it all started sunday when me and r slept together, it changed a lot of things, but i was kind of okay with it knowing that i would see him again on tuesday (ie last night) so i go there and we leave for the phish show then we went to the show which was fun..we did the whole shakedown street situation which was something ive always wanted to do. just hearing stories of my dad and other friends going to dead shows and traveling around, it was nice to be apart of it and experience it on my own with my own friends and it was everything i had imagined it would be. i was very stoked on it. we eat magic cookies and fungi, then drink a few beers have some food and then go into the show. in the show we have the best seats! we are so close to the stage and in a row of just 4 people, all of it, it was so perfect. so the show starts and i just go into it, i enjoy it and i dance, and i just let go, i let myself be free. but during this i go deep into myself and into my head and something brought it all out. i saw this vision of it all going away, floating off into the crowd, leaving my body and then my heart felt like it was bleeding, like seriously bleeding, ive never felt that feeling before in my life and i was holding my chest so hard, so hard, i felt like maybe i could help the pain, and i look over at him and he has his hands on his chest too, like he somehow knew that just happened, maybe not consciously but he knew somewhere inside him. so after this im just so whacked out of my head, i feel so weird and feel so upset, but i need to just get through it somehow and i do. we all take the train back to his house and sit there and chill for a while..then he goes upstairs and i do too..

we are in his room and its kinda awkward, not all excited like woo hoo we are alone, just weirdish. so i lay down on the floor and relax and he sets up some music, and when he joins me i bring up the other night and we discuss, and he says he doesnt usually do that but he made an exception for the situation, and then we discuss how nothing really changed because of that, everything else is still the same, so why not us just enjoy ourselves and just be together and do what we do..so we do that, and it was awesome, we were so intense and so together for a while, then i fell asleep in his arms, and through out the night he kept hugging and cuddling me and vice versa..i woke up before him and laid there for a while feeling so sad, knowing this was the last time this was going to happen between us. it was over for good. there is nothing more that can come from this, he isnt what i need, and i had to swallow this pill, and it was one of the hardest things ever. so i just laid there and stared and his freckles on his back and listened to him breathe and just tried to soak it all up. he woke up and i wasnt sure how it was going to be but it was incredible. we hugged, kissed a bit, rolled around just were like little bears playing. it was so nice. i kept calling it the bubble, because once we broke out of it, it was done. the first thing he said when he woke up was, i dont want to wake up because it will all be over or something along those lines and i couldnt agree more. we were living in a bubble together for the night, and as much as i loved it it hurts so fucking bad.

so i spent my day being a zombie. i was okay for a while, just zombie like and then i went to the tattoo shop to meet up with jenni and decided to finally get my philadelphia tattoo, and when i was getting that it all was getting harder and harder, then when i was driving home i fucking lost it. like lost it more than i have in so long. screaming literally. screaming crying, and people say that all the time, oh i was screaming crying, but i seriously was screaming i couldnt stop it. it was so involuntary. it just kept coming, i was crying so hard i couldnt breathe. i was so devastated i still am, but i feel a little bit better, i dissed so many people tonight, i couldnt be around anyone. i just couldnt. and im sorry i didnt get to see them all, but i needed to do it. i needed my time and space to try to cover up this wound in my chest.

so the question i keep getting is what now? are you going to not talk to him anymore? what do you do? honestly i dont know. i feel like i cant just be friends with him, but i cant not have him in my life. fuck my head is spinning just talking about this. i have such a love for him, that i dont think will ever be replaced by another human being. but this is all my doing, i am leaving him, i am deciding to move ahead and i decided he wasnt right for me. until he proves otherwise i need to stick to my guns, because i will never let anyone in if i still am waiting for him.

fuck i really let him go didnt i?