its looking like a limb torn off...

today has been terrible so far, i cant seem to stop crying. im so emotional, leaving philly was so hard for me. luckily i ate a ganja cookie and slept the whole trip across the country, but when i woke up it was gone for maybe 5 minutes, then hit me again. i seriously feel like someone died, like rickie died. like im never gonna have a chance again or something, which i dont get at all. our goodbye wasnt that bad at all. he said some really nice things to me and even shed a few tears, it was nice to see that he actually cares about me and has emotions for me. its weird i never really believe him, or believe that he really likes me enough, so im always on guard and it makes me wonder how much i have missed out on because of it. im so glad we got to spend so much time together though, it really was nice and what i needed. what we both needed, we had been building that up for over 3 years, and im glad it went so well.

i decided the only thing i can do now is manifest my way out of this situation. not in a bad way, but just really concentrate on moving, and having things work with him. i really believe hes my guy. he makes me feel like no one else. this has been going on for years, on and off, but we always come back to each other, always. i think about him every day and vice versa, or so i was told. i do fully believe that if its supposed to work out it will no matter what happens in between. i do have to believe that, otherwise i think ill go nuts. i think that there is a connection between us that is very special, and apparently has been going on for many many lives, so one of these times we have to work out right? i just honestly cant see me with anyone else. like in a few years when he finds himself more and is accomplished, he will be the most perfect person for me. but i do need to remember that right now, hes not. and i cant force it. i must just go on with my life, and go with the flow, because thats all i can do..funny how positive i can be typing, but yet crying while typing it. fuck you band of horses.

no one's gonna love you more than i do...