Moving on..

so tonight is fucking crazy. i was sitting at my kitchen table with my friend megan having a lovely dinner, then i get a text from nikole that says "wanna move here march 1st? hetty and andy are moving" now andy and hetty are her two friends who live in this sublet place from her other friend who's on tour and they were considering moving into this other place, and i would be able to move in there with no credit check, no down payment, nothing just pay march's rent which is 800 bucks. 100 dollars cheaper than i pay now. so looks like im moving in 2 weeks to la. something ive been talking about and wanting to do for almost a year now and here it is. its upon me. the universe heard me and listened and is giving me the chance for change and a new life. but if its all ive wanted why the fuck am i so scared? im freaking the fuck out. i feel so overwhelmed and excited and anxious and about to freak out all at the same time. its just so sudden, but ive always known it would be like that. i have been saying it forever, "when i move its gonna be quick, like 2 weeks to do it or something like that" its an amazing opportunity that i dont think will come again and its time to take it. its a cute cottage house with a parking space like 6 blocks from nikole and george. i couldnt ask for anything else in the world. its really happening. its really happening. jesus. I AM FUCKING FREAKING OUT!

are you still keeping time...

in the back of your mind?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i seriously have watched 2 discs of greys today alone. i have laid in my bed on my laptop and watched season 3 of greys anatomy. what the fuck is wrong with me? i already saw these episodes but they are keeping me locked in and depressed and fuck. i am so fucking depressed. i looked at my calender to see what i was doing last year at this time, and it was the same exact thing. i wonder if my birthday brings all this up for me. like if every year that passes and i dont change my life if when my birthday comes around i just freak out and hate everything. i dont even hate stuff i just dont know what to do anymore. i constantly try and try to change certain things in my life and it never seems to work. what am i doing wrong? am i not doing the right thing or am i just getting caught up in life and forgetting. i am in this karma class and we are learning over and over again that the universe keeps bringing us back to the same point and doing the same thing over and over and over until we do something about it and switch it up. thats why the same problems constantly nag us. this depression is weird though cause i dont know what it is. is it the weed? duh of course i need to stop smoking so much weed, and i cant seem to find the balance in that. i remember last year when i stopped drinking so heavily and stopped smoking for a while it really made a difference in my life. i am feeling the pull to do that again. i know that i need to quit full time, but thats so daunting of a task. i love weed and i love smoking it, but just not every day. ugh i actually am bored of hearing myself talk about this topic. i say the same shit over and over again and i fucking hate it. i know i am in control, its all up to me to change these things. i also know i maybe super emotional right now due to pms.fuck this.

help me in my weakness..

cause im falling out of grace....


i feel so weird now after my weird sexual experience. that dude never texted me back all day and when he finally did at like 11 it was 2 words. what the fuck. my friend told me she thinks its because i left him at 4am and it hurt his ego, which helps me a little but not really. i dont see why i care so much really. i know that was gonna go nowhere, but i guess i feel some sort of rejection and it makes me nuts. why do i always put so much on people and myself? i wish i could just be chill and see things for what they really are. he went out with me to fuck me and that was it. all the shit in between was just him playing along with the game of it all. i wish i was in this game with him. the funny thing is i thought i was in some ways. i went along with all the craziness and just go with it, i didnt realize i was gonna get some weird attachment. but how can you not when it comes to sex? you share your body and your vulnerability with someone and then never see them again, its weird. anyway i should really learn from these situations because they pop up all the time and its the same every single time. i get horny, wanna bang someone, so i go out and do that and then feel empty and extreme loneliness. i usually feel 10 times lonelier than i did before i went out to find the dude. this has been going on for years and i would like it to stop, i guess im the only one to do so. maybe that will be my resolution for 32, to stop randomly fucking people and wait to do that even if i really want to. ive been told to do that for over 7 years now, its time for this cycle to end and for me to make the changes that i need. nobody else can help me now, its all about my will power and my will to change these situations i find myself in. i will never find the right guy if i keep fucking the wrong ones.

i am making a lot of changes in my 32nd year. i really want to stop smoking so much weed and stop laying on the couch and watching television. i do believe these things are due to my lack of work and challenges. i dont have to do anything weekly except go to work at the radio on thursdays. it makes me lazy and not do shit. the last few days i havent even really left the house, i sit on the couch and watch tv, smoke weed and take naps. i literally hate it. but i continue to do it anyways. what is happening to me? who am i? ugh. i am the only one who can change any of this. i guess its time to do so.


hey now baby, im beginning to see the light...

shadows..crawling..over...everything...

i had the craziest night last night and i cant decide how i feel about it. there is a part of me that doesnt care, and the other part of me does. why do i ever care too much about sex? why do i feel like i need to not do it? i want to fuck sometimes and i find myself to be a very sexual person but when im in the situation i feel myself not wanting it the way i dream of it, or whatever. i dont know if its because all these people are one night stands or people i just met and there is no connection. but i have been so fucking horny lately its been since november since ive had sex which isnt really that long, but i was going kinda nutso lately for it, and my friend hooked me up with his friend.

so i went on this blind date that i got set up on. i wasnt really sure if i should do it or not, but i decided to just go with it. its time to do things different i my motto for 2011. i always do things the same way and i dont want to anymore. i want to try something new and see if i get any new results. so anyways we decided to go bowling thinking it would be a good ice breaker and indeed it was. so i pick him up and automatically im like ehh no thanks, but then i realized he was really cute and had a nice body. so we go bowling and half way through he kisses me and then it was kind of on from there. we bowled and met these people around us. we decided to go outside and had an intense make out session, it was so fucking hot. so i was ready and wanting to fuck for sure. so the night continues and we run into a few of his friends. one of them happens to be this hot ass girl, who is totally flirting with me and keeps talking about taking me home and everything. i thought she was joking, but it was fun, then we went to the bathroom and made out. it was hot. i kind of wanted to go home with her instead, but i didnt, i went home with adam.

we get to his house and take off our clothes immediately and then im not into it anymore. it was rough and it hurt and i wasnt feeling it at all, i actually started to cry a little bit. it felt like i was being raped in some weird way, and didnt know how to stop it. which happens to me a lot actually, i usually feel not into it once its happening and just kind of wait for it to be over. so i stopped him and kinda just laid there and said i felt dizzy. we then were laying all sweet and he was being so nice to me and we started kissing all slow and it was awesome so then we ended up having super nice sex for a long ass time he took forever to cum, which i later found out he took a vicotin which explained a lot. supposedly my friend who hooked us up, said hey my friend needs to get laid, take the pill so you can last longer. it made me feel weird, but whatever. i dont see a future with this dude at all. hes 27 and smokes and does drugs. 3 of my no nos.

anyway the issue at hand here is how weird i get with sex and how i semi have panic attacks in these situations. i kinda feel like i shoudl go to therapy for it. there is some underlying issue i have with sex. i dont recall being abused ever, but maybe i was at some point either in this life or another one, and its carrying over. i need to deal with this. i always blew it off and decided it would all be okay when i get a boyfriend. but how the fuck am i ever gonna get a boyfriend? its not magically gonna happen where i feel extra comfortable and all this shit is gonna go away its not. i need to deal with it somehow.

also is it weird that i wanna hang out with that dude again? even when i know its not going anywhere? isnt that what dating is?

fuck.