being taken off guard..

so tonight i was looking at my facebook, and i saw like 7 messages about people posting on a pic of me, but i go there and there is nothing, it was so weird, it was from r and his bro. i was so confused, wondering if iwas blocked by one of them or something, so i write r and ask him the scoop, and he went off!! he was like his bros exgirl wrote all this shit about me on there, calling me a bitch and stuff and saying im sleeping with a, and r told me he said that im not a bitch, and one of his best friends, and ive known a longer than she has, and im in with the family and friends, and she has no place talking about me like that and he was sayin to me, nobody calls culbertson a bitch, fuck that, he deleted his own brother off fb and is super mad, it was crazy. i was so confused and baffled, i couldnt believe r was talking about me in such a beautiful light. i never expected that, for him to be defending my honor so much, it was surprising! it made me feel good, and i was trying to talk him down from being so ready to write his bro off, but apparently this was the straw that broke the camels back, but the funnest part is i called it as soon as he posted that pic up on fb...i immediately texted him and was like yo ant gf is gonna go nuts over that pic you put up and he never wrote me back, and then today he was like the crazy part is you called it, you knew this would happen..its just so funny, for a minute i thought i would be pulled back in, and i kinda did..i tried to be the good friend, who was trying to calm him down and talk serious,but then after he didnt respond, i was out, and over it.

onto lighter things, tonight was the first night i talked to b on the phone!! i was kinda nervous about it, but i felt ready. im over the typing, texting and blackberry messenger, i didnt want to read or wait, i wanted to just talk, but im kind of scared its gonna happen all the time now, and i dont know if im ready for that sort of commitment. but yet i am. this dude treats me so well, he gets me more than anyone else i ever have met does. he is patient, and wants to talk to me, he thinks about me and tells me so. he is courting me proper, and its nice. except for the fact that we are 3000 miles away from each other and havent been around one another, its pretty proper. im just going with the flow, and not really talking about it with people. its kind of just mine, and i enjoy it. i mean not really, since im blogging about it, but im not gonna go into detail, i like what we share, and i like that it ours and ours alone. we are so similar its bananas..he has defiantly changed my life. i told him today that he has made me a better person, and he has. he has opened my eyes and my heart and helped me see my issues. even if we are only friends, we will be forever. i hope at least. who knows where this is going, and i dont care. i am just living it.

the new beach house is amazing. listen to it.

fist pumpin jersey shore style..

i went out tonight for my friend greggos birthday, he had a limo come to his house and pick people up and take them 20 miles north to the indian casino, and it took a few trips, but i got lucky and got a ride from someone else, so i didnt have to be in the coke limo, yes they had mad drugs in there..but anyway went to casino, gambled, ate, chilled..went to the bars, they sucked, so my friend eric ws going to this dance party and i didnt know what i was getting myself into, thought it might be reggae or some shit, but dude it was it was drum and bass and like jungle and what they call hardcore like techno style and i had such an experience. i was standing there then all of a sudden my whole body was moving with this crazy ass music, and i just went with it. i have never felt like that before and felt energy like that. they whole room was moving around and their bodies were going every which way possible, and so was mine. i couldnt help it. it just was rocking hardcore. at one point i felt like i was moshing to dance music, so intense and such a release, im so glad i got introduced to that type of music. it was pretty much a rave, i guess. i was only high and a bit drunk, and it was awesome. im so siked i did that. i really felt like a pathway with the music and me. like it was just flowing through me and i was loving every minute of it.

i did feel like jersey shore though haha

only in dreams..

i am really going through a strange period right now, i feel like an island, but i feel like someone is living on my island, and we talk through coconuts, but never see each other, but knowing each other are there is enough for right now. i am totally involved in an internet dating situation, and its so funny. i talk to this person every single day for like 2 hours,and if we arnet online we are sending texts every now and again, and i think about him all day, and he makes his status updates for me, and i feel myself doing the same thing for him. he told me that talking to me is the highlight of his day, and if he talks to me, he is in such a good mood. and i feel the same. but i dont really let on that i do. i realized i do that pretty often with dudes, i take all their compliments, and i never give them back, unless its right after they say it to me. its like im scared to actually say it out loud, because it would mean im committing or possibly leading them on at some point.and i say that because some part of me feels like it will never work out anyways, so why lead them on? why let them know i like them just in case i dont at some point? and in this situation its scarry because even thought ive known him for like 18 years, i havent seen or talked to him since i was like 22. he hears me on the radio, so he can get a vibe of me, but i have no idea. not one. i want to talk to him on the phone, but i feel like it might be too early still. i kind of like how its only online, we get to know each other very deeply without having to deal with all the pressure that comes along with dating, like kissing and going on dates, or staying in. its like we are going to get to know each other for real and then see if there is anything physical. i hope there is. i really dig this dude. its funny because like 2 weeks ago i was writing about r all the time, and how he is my soul mate and i cant imagine myself with anyone else, but this dude and i have so much more in common, and hes nice and hes not scared to say he likes me, or any of it. he wants to treat me well, and wants to talk to me everyday and thinks about me. thats what i think i deserve. im just going to go with it, and see what happens. he is coming to visit me in april and we are going to go see spoon and deerhunter in san fran and then a baseball game the next day and then beach house. its gonna be fun, but its gonna be short. 2 days thats it. im not even nervous, im more anxious and excited about hanging out with him. i can see me falling for him and us sleeping together and just being lovey and cute and having a perfect time together.

ahh dreams..

one sweet dream..

came true..today..

its so weird how much better i feel today. its been over 2 weeks of living this weird life, of feeling better, but yet still being all kinds of fucked up. feeling destructive, wanting to do drugs (but didnt), buying cigarettes (but couldnt smoke them so i gave them away), wearing the same outfit every day for a week straight, for two weeks in a row, and not washing or brushing my hair, and actually going out in public. like i did these things, i actually went out with out touching my hair from sleeping, and it was greasy and dirty and i smelled a little bit. i got showers, but only at the gym, where i pretty much just rinse off after the steam room. i was in a weird place, but today i feel totally out of it. well i guess it started last night when i got a shower, washed my hair, shaved, and got dressed up. it was nice to be done up and feel alive again. i guess thats what it is, feeling alive.

i realized i have a few dudes, who i am semi interested in and they seem semi interested in me as well. its fun to have crushes, it keeps my mind off the real shit with r. i kind of am in a spot where i realized i was wasting my time, and he obviously wasnt feeling me, so i had to move on for now. but hes still there in the back of my mind. i havent been stalking him as much, and it will be a week tomorrow for me talking, texting, iming, statusing, all of those things. ive stayed clear of him. he did write on my status update last night, and it didnt even make any sense. but i know him so well that i know he meant something by it, and i just cant crack that puzzle. im trying not to care. making these other connections are really teaching me things about myself and things i want. i love learning. especially about myself and my needs and wants. its so empowering.

i started yoga classes on tuesday and today i went back. its tuesday and thursday from noon-1pm. perfect time! i decided im going to go every week as much as i can. my new gym schedule is monday 10-12, and tues, thurs 12-1. if i do that and keep being conscious of what im eating and drinking, i should be all good by may for teresas wedding. i want to look really fucking good for it. its always good to have a goal in mind. but the yoga class is so dope, ive always wanted to start yoga pratice, and be a yogi. it feels good to be at the point where im ready to start those practices. i always knew it would come someday, and someday is now. its a spiritual time for me these days. i really feel like im digging deep, and wanting to be at one and at peace with my body and mind. i want to always know whats going on with me, and take care of me and really really care about myself. i started drinking tea everyday, its turning into a good habit. i come home and put the water on, and have my tea. once a day tea is a great start, i want to drink it more often than once a day though. i think its healthy and a good way to stay hydrated. i also have my kombucha which i drink 4 oz of it every morning when i wake up, i hear its a good detoxifier it seems to be going well. i guess im just proud of myself. its weird going through such a dark period and feeling so weird and out of place was a starting ground for all these good changes.

for the new moon, i wish that i stay motivated and on top of my goals. gym, work and eating healthy.

i dont know its so but its true..

man what a crazy fucking day i had yesterday! i woke up late and just chilled, talked to my old friend bobby for like 2 hours, made a nice breakfast, watched some tv then took a shower and was getting ready to go watch the eagles game, when bam! a fucking huge earthquake happened!! 6.5 on the richter scale, which is apparently pretty big! the whole house was shaking and moving and i looked outside and the polls were swaying back and fourth and things were falling all over the place and i was just standing in the doorway holding on, hoping that it would stop soon. its so weird when your in an earthquake, they only last for a few seconds but it feels like forever when your in it. its like time stops and your just stuck on this ride, hoping it all ends sooner than later. the power went out immediately which didnt help the craziness! luckily my dad has a generator and i went over there and watched the eagles lose so fucking horribly.

i went out with the girls and decided to get drunk and i wanted to make out with someone so bad. i just feel so annoyed from the whole r situation. he doesnt give a fuck about me. he makes it quite clear, and i feel like a fucking idiot for sending him those birthday things and putting so much time into him, when he really doesnt care. but its good that i know this now, because i will no longer look like an idiot. he didnt even ask me if i was ok in the earthquake, i had people i dont even know ask me..it just shines so bright, rings so loud, that i need to do my thing and say fuck him. im trying to stay present in my daily life and do my things and take care of me and just be happy. but i hate that when i go out and drink i get crazy, this is a common theme of my life. i talk about it all the time, and i am good most of the time, but then i do have night that makes me feel like shit. i need to get over it or just stop doing it completely.

theres a million ways to get it...choose one

its been a long time coming..

but i know change gonna come...yes it will.

im feeling much better these days. i feel like im back in control of myself and my thoughts and my impulses. i was such a mess before, it was hard to see anything clearly. the only real thoughts i still carry with me are moving back to philly and how to do that. its funny its like i live in this weird universe, where im just waiting for the change to happen. i feel it coming so much but just dont know how or when its gonna happen, so everyday i just try to go through my day and keep watching the days move on. my body is really hurting and its scaring me. my neck literally gets adjusted and by the next morning its out again, and its worse than its ever been. it was staying in for at least 4 to 5 days last time, i dont know what changed. and now my shoulder is all kinds of fucked up and hurts to even move above my head. i dont know how to help that either. its been over 2 months that its hurt. that isnt good. might be time to go to the doctor and get it fixed for reals. i know i have to stop doing that work, its just hurting me more than helping, but i need the money so bad. i need the money to live and also to move. im so proud of myself i told myself this year that i am saving at least 10 percent of every money i make, and last night i was doing my bills and ran out of money to pay them all, so i was like oh well i guess i just cant save this yet, but then i was like nope, this money doesnt exsist. it never was here, so you cant use it. it was awesome to be saving and knowing i was really keeping up with what i told myself i was doing. its been cool to stay strong and not do the things i told myself not to do! next is my eating habits and snacking. those times have to end. i have less than 5 months to get into good shape for teresas wedding, and i feel like i can do it. i feel like i can look so good when i go home next, and feel so good. i bet a lot about me will be different when i go there in may.

so yesterday i had a talk with this woman, whos older than me shes probably like 50 or more and she was asking me about why i was crying when i got back from philly (she saw me in ph when i lost it) and i informed her or my situation with r and she was like i totally understand, and then asked if i thought he was my soul mate and i said yes for sure, and she then proceeded to tell me that we usually dont end up with our soul mates. which just made me so sad, she said its the person you will think about forever and it will always hurt like a knife in the heart but it will usually doesnt work out. she then told me that she has taken polls from woman over the years and asked if they had a chance to never do it and not have to feel the pain would they take it back and never know that person and every woman said nope, they would take the pain right over again, and i feel the same way. i wouldnt change it for the world, no matter how hard it is. it kinda freaked me out though, because sometimes i feel like there is no way we could work out, we dont even talk. i mean we text kind of, but havent talked in so long. i am hoping that me sending him this birthday gift will open the lines of communication, but i also thought that about my xmas present. so who knows. who knows how it will happen, but im hoping it does soon. i saw tickets to go home from lax for 240 bucks round trip, i want to go home for the eagles winning the superbowl, but who knows if that is goign to happen, but was thinking of just going home anyways just for 2 days. why not right? why not spend 6 hours to go home for a few days and see my family and friends. ie jenni and r then i thought about it and would he even want to hang out with me?

so many thoughts
so very lonely.