oh man, i dont even know what to do or think anymore to be honest. i feel so weird and confused. sometimes i feel like a girl who just got her heart broken from a dude, like a super bad break up but then i think about it and its actually nothing like that at all. at all. i am actually in some what control, im the one who said lets just hang out and be each others company, but man every time we hang out its more intense and intense. last night was so special, like we were both so present and really in that moment and really felt the vibe and the playfulness of one another. then i wake up and leave and am left with a feeling of emptyness, and a feeling of regret of decision. but how can that be? i have a wonderful time i wake up with him cuddling me, and holding my hand, we lay there together in the morning and just hold hands and be quiet, its so incredible. so special to me, these are the times i will always remember forever, no matter what. its the times when i feel loved and like a lady. i never have liked waking up to being held onto, it usually makes me feel so confined and weird but not with him and it seems like he sleeps well with me in his bed too, i dont know there is so much good and so much bad to this whole thing. its always on his terms, and on his time, and he makes me feel like i have to walk on egg shells sometimes so that i dont freak him out too much, or make him feel uncomfortable, and those are the times when i think to myself, why the fuck do you even bother hanging out with someone who makes you feel this way??whats wrong with you! but my heart comes in and remembers laying chest to chest and just feeling as a single unit. it is something not easily left, but i must do it. i must.
but i will wait until the very last minute.
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