For the love of you...

So tonight was a big night in my life. I was told and said I Love You to a man. Holy shit!


Tyler and I decided to start dating two days ago. We decided to call each other Boyfriend and Girlfriend. It felt big, but the whole time I had wished we were saying I love you, because I knew both of us felt it. We felt it in July when we were making love but it was too early. i am really glad we waited until this point, because its smarter and safer for me. I took last week off from him and really tried to figure out how i felt, and i came back with that I really like him and he's the best man I have ever had. its weird though sometimes when i say that i feel like a fraud. As much as i feel this relationship, some part of me feels like a fraud and a phony even though its impossible, because i do feel like he is a great match for me.

So we went out to dinner tonight and had a great time then started talking about jealousy and such and i was going off about something and all of a sudden he was like "yo i fucking love you okay? " and it was magical. I know that sounds weird and everything, but it was just right. It was the perfect time to say it. I had been wanting to say it all night long, but didnt know how. And when he said it it was on. I probably told him i loved him a million times after that too. it just felt nice to be saying that to someone who actually felt it back and wasnt just saying it to say it. there is real emotion there and its obvious.

Don't drink me I'm like turpentine...

I woke up this morning feeling really grumpy and i dont know why. i feel sort of depressed in a way, but have absolutely no reason to feel this way. i feel like my life is going pretty good, and headed in a positive way, my future is bright, my plans are gonna be okay. I just feel weird. i woke up knowing my car is dying, which sucks. i could feel it last night. it pretty much told me its on its last leg. time is coming for it to die and leave me. i need to do something about that. it just scares me because i cant afford a new car or a car payment, but i know i will have to figure it out. i wont get approved on my own for a loan, and my parents most likely wont co sign for me. i really need them to cosign for an apartment more than a car. i just need their help, and maybe i can convince them that i can do this, and i just need these two financial things from them. which neither are actually asking for cash or any money at all, just their good name. i guess there is no need to worry about it because it hasnt happened yet, but its on its way.

i also think im starting to realize i have to go back to humboldt in a few days which is totally freaking me out. its crazy how 1 month can change your whole life. last month at this time i was preparing to leave that place and know it was the thing for me to do, i was scared and nervous and ready. i feel the opposite of going back up there. i feel mad, upset, broke, confused and annoyed that i need to go backwards. i know that this is the best thing i could do though. i dont have anywhere to go here and no money to do it so i need to go up there and make money. its time to work my ass off. i have motivation to do this move to LA. i know what is here for me, i know that this is the place for me. i know my future is just starting, and this is just a bump in the road. when i get up there i cant be depressed or lazy, i need to work out and get my shit in shape and work hard and make a shit ton of money. if i can make some good loot, i can get a car and move here and just have to work hard. it will be kinda hard to find a job, but i also havent been looking at all. so i dont really know, but i have met and already know enough people that maybe i can work and make some loot. i think its going to be okay. patience is needed.

oddly enough i am kind of excited to go back to humboldt for certain things. i have been talking to tyler a bit and we are gonna hang out when im there. we will yet again have a small amount of time together and this time i have no misconceptions of what will happen between us. i know that this is just sex and why not enjoy myself for a time where i will be a place i dont really like? i will be working so much anyways, so it will be good to be at least getting laid. when i went to the psychic here she told me i can do what i want with him because it doesnt matter either way, which rules. it made me feel better about it. where as before i felt like maybe i was leading him or even me on. the thing im scared about is the original magic, will it still be there? has the time and space changed us too much? i guess i will see when i hang out with him.

fuck i am not looking forward to driving 12 hours in a few days.