green river..

so today i went to work, we got done super early which i knew was gonna happen, so i brought my stuff to go to the river, it was gonna be amazing! so we got done and out of there by 1, which was perfect river timing, so i put my suit on and hop in the car and head to the river. im sitting there for a while, and then this dude comes down with his bike and his bike outfit, etc. i say hi politely and keep on with my business. he then asks if i want to smoke weed with him, i say sure without even thinking twice and go over and smoke with him. i can tell he is diggin on me, but its whatever im semi used to it, and i continue on and he then starts brushing by me little by little and im feeling eh about it, but hes kind of hot and super built and nice and full head of hair, etc

so we start hanging out and hes close to me, touching me etc, we decide to go swimming in the river, which was freezing!! so we just sat there for a bit, but i felt into it, i was vibing this guy, i just wasnt so into the touchy touch part..but kind of went along for the ride, since i never do stuff like that, i never really go for it, i never live by the spur of the moment, im always thinking too much about everything before i do it. so i sat there and let him rub on me, he started to rub my feet and i became a freak, im a weirdo around dudes in general, but i was super weird. so we talked and i let him rub my legs and feet and we got along nice flirted, talked, flirted, blah blah..then i just started feeling eh about the whole thing and just knew i couldnt really be with this dude, he is turning 49 and has two kids who are 16 and 12, and an exwife who lives around the corner from him. just too much for me, i knew i didnt want that kind of life, so i knew this was semi pointless, then i was done. he asked me to have dinner with him tonight and i didnt want to. so i said no then he started to rub my shoulders and i just turned off like fucking just turned off. i was like i gotta go and he was all umm ok, jumped up and then walked away and it was super weird. i said i was sorry for the whole thing and that i dont know what happened but my body just stopped me and i had to honor myself and leave. i said sorry again and again and then he gave me his number, but it was one of those things where i needed out immediately, i was done and over it it was time to leave now! so i left and that was that. i feel super weird about the whole thing i come home and my angel card today was "love" which i laughed at this morning, like how could i have love today? another weird thing is that sofia just stayed away from us, she just stood in the same place and stared at us for about an hour. standing. it was eerie weird and freaked me out. im not gonna lie and say that didnt affect how i thought. it was just weird. it was too much too fast all over me. i felt constricted and everything, but im sooo fucking intrigued by this dude especially since his name is stan, which is odd from my dreams lately and what happened with the other stan too. just strange all together. i am writing this going, umm this happened to me today, this happened about 2 hours ago, this really just occurred. it felt so fake and movie like, but it was real.

i think my body freaked out because i didnt honor myself right off the bat. i didnt say hey i know we are vibing each other but lets save that for later when we know each other. i didnt use my voice, i let things happen and i didnt like it. it happens to me al the time, i never say what i need until i lose it. so this was a lesson on saying what i need and dont need. i feel kind of sick from it all honestly. still hasnt sunk in yet on what actually happened to me there, did i like him? did i not? confusion is all around me.