the queen is dead boys..

and its so lonely on a limb....

this song is really speaking to me today for some reason. ive been doing a lot of thinking about this whole eric situation and im convinced it came down to him leaving. maybe in a past life he left me or died or something and its really affecting me in this life, so when he left it brought those feelings which in turn made me hate him. i dont hate him, but i do not like him at all. he put this video on facebook and i couldnt even make myself think any of it was cool. i was annoyed and made fun of it out-loud to myself. and as i was talking i knew i was being an asshole and just couldnt stop myself. the same thing happened today with blake, i had to babysit him this morning and i couldnt be more annoyed with him. its been like that forever, i bet we have a deeeeeep history and i need to learn from him. i really try to learn from him a lot like when he does something that annoys me i ask myself why, and it happens all the time and i a lot of the time hes like me. but hes a little kid so its so much purer, like him wanting to do things for himself and doesnt want to listen to me about how you play super mario brothers, and he wants to do it his way, mixes my annoyance of him being too independant it made him controlling, which is exactly my problem in a lot of aspects of my life. i know that life is about the journey and learning from every thing that happens and trying not to do it again, but its so hard sometimes. sometimes i just want to disappear until its all over, till time has passed and i dont have to deal with anything anymore, but the problem is the will never happen. this shit is gonna happen forever. there is always going to be issues, there are always going to be people who are mean, evil, judgmental, murders, rapists, wars, rudeness, everything, it will never stop. i know its all about how i live my life and how i can help people and share love, but its so hard. love is so hard to give sometimes, and its way harder to receive. "its so easy to laugh its so easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle and kind"

"and as i climb into an empty bed...oh well enough said"--that kinda wraps up the last few years of my life. i am a loner, i am scared of intimacy, love and sharing myself. i have so much control over myself and my life that i cant give it up. i cant let go of myself. i think that my main problem with dudes is that i give myself up too quick , i allow myself to fall head over heals and jump in and go with my emotions. i need to not do that ever again. i need to take it slow, go on dates, hang out randomly in the beginning, make it interesting, make him want me and vice versa. all this early jumping always backfires on me, and i waste all this time with people who arent right for me over some connection i felt for a few weeks at some point with them.

my brother billy is currently sitting in a jail cell. what a horrible sentence huh? i mean i had a friend go to jail im not a virgin to this situation, but its just weird when its your little brother. i remember being young and telling him i would take care of him and never let anything bad happen to him. i made this promise to him at one point in my life, and i meant every word. that conversation has always stayed with me and when i think of him, this usually pops up, but i lied. i never kept him away from harm, i dont help him, i dont even talk to him. i dont try at all, and look what happened. i dont blame myself for his life decisions, but i feel like maybe my positivity could have somehow helped him out, but then i think it wouldnt make a difference at all. he is way under my moms thumb, and hes her little boy baby and is too brainwashed by her and her ways to even get it and on top of it all hes kind of slow and mentally retarded. so he cant even really comprehend what i would say to him. my mom wrote me a message on facebook and in it she wrote "i just wonder if it somehow is my fault" and my first thought was fuck yeah it is, your a horrible mother who never showed love, etc etc..then i stopped myself and really thought about it. she is a woman whos son is in jail. she must think she is a complete failure as a mother, and wonder where she went wrong. and how shitty it must feel also to know there is nothing you can do to help him. its just sad. i actually felt bad for her, which i cant say i have felt in like 10 years+ but the coolest part was her even saying it, to have her even question that and actually blame herself is a big step and especially to say it to me of all people. the one who has called her out on being "a bad mom" to her face, its big. i took this opportunity to take the high road, i wrote her something very nice back and pretty much said the past is the past all we have is the future to change things we dont like about ourselves, etc etc..and said that she has abby to show love, caring and compassion and support. (all the things i never got) because i dont need it from her anymore. ive accepted she can not give me what i need and what i needed was needed many many years ago, and i needed to let it go which i did, but i do want her to treat abby better. i was on the phone with her the other day and she was talking to abby like she was an asshole, and i hated it. it made me mad that the cycle was gonna repeat itself and abby was gonna be raised with the same bad vibes as i was. but she has natalie and sarah too, so she has better chances of a better life.

its just sad. i feel bad for my brother. he has adhd, and sitting in a cell is probably the worst thing for him, i know it would pretty much kill me to be in his shoes. but i guess thats why i dont drink and drive anymore, why i dont pop pills anymore, why i dont smash glass all over my sister. he deserves to be where he is no doubt, but you gotta think what else would he really do? where else would he really end up? he failed the military test 3 times and i heard it was easier than the GED. its so sad, hes my little brother.

life is very long when your lonely..