back to the old house..

so im back in california now and wow do i live a double life. its so fucked up how it feels to me all the time. i go away a lot from this place, and i hate it here so much sometimes, and then other times i love it. its like i get so wrapped up in living here, i forget how much i need to move. the push is on though, ive been really talking and wanting to move for a while, but it feels like the last month has really shown me i need to get the fuck outta here. i also really need to pick a job to start looking for, or a company and some sort of job in that company. its time to be more decisive. im so fucking wishy washy all the time and never make decisions, because im always thinking there is something better out there for me. theres not, and if there is i will find it but i need to decide and move on. ive been practicing with this new theory the past few days and its wonderful. i bought a pair of boots, they were awesome i really liked them and i did it. sucks they hurt my feet, but im sure they will stretch out sooner than later. i was all confused about judging this dancing contest, i wanted to, but didnt. so i didnt. i had work today but had the opportunity to say no, so i did. which in retrospect is stupid for my finances, but good for my body. i decided also that its time to stop just working because i want the money, i need to listen to my body and go with that. i have suffered so much through work, it hurts every time and its never gonna make me better. i keep re-injuring myself every time i sit down to work. its time to pick and choose and save save save. i will never leave here if i dont save money. i spend like a motherfucker and just try to live this glamourous lifestyle, but its actually holding me back now. the sparkle is gone, there is no need to be so sparkley here, when if i save and be disciplined i can move and be a lot happier and live a good life somewhere else. New York is where I think I wanna go. i never thought i would want to move there in a million years, but i love it. i loved being in that city so much, it felt so right, so at home. its so where im meant to go. its close enough to philly that i can go home when i want and see my family but yet still be far enough away that i can live my own life. so i just need to pick a job that i can see myself doing. i never put enough energy into one thing to make it work out for me. i was talking to my stepmom last night and she said that i dont put energy into anything because anything i have has backfired on me and hurt me, so why would i bother? if i just put a little bit in at a time i can pull back whenever i want, i never get hurt. but i also never try hard enough. it is time for all of this to change, in every aspect of my life. essentially im a slacker, i give everything a half ass try and give up so easy, those days are over. its just time to be dedicated to me and my future, i will give the energy to myself bettering myself.

some hard times fell upon me while i was in ny, with the whole thing with that dude. it was horrible, i felt like i was at the end of my rope with dudes. like what the fuck, why does this shit keep happening me to? oh because the only energy i put out there is to attract dudes to fuck, or make out with. not dudes to start a life with. and ive had to take the morning after pill seriously like 4 or 5 times in the past year it feels like. that shit is not good. i hate that i had to take that pill again, and never again do i want to. i thought last time i took it it was over, but i was wrong. i did my pimpin, i did my playing, i did my heartbreaking, im done. i want a relationship. but not one that im desperate looking for one, thats silly. one that comes to me in a nice way and i accept it. im not gonna look for a dude. im not gonna put a bunch of weight on one that i meet that i think is the one. its stupid and childish and im almost 32 and i need a real man, a man who will love me and comfort me hang out with me fuck me kiss me hold my hand cuddle with me. i want it all.