im moving past the feeling..

what a night! i feel on fire i feel so good its amazing. so amazing. its crazy how good you feel when you do what you need to do and dont compromise yourself or your beliefs and you stick to your guns. i was so worried about how my feelings might change when im there with him and being around him, but i saw him totally different. things were different for sure, he even looked different. i said earlier today to nikki that i thought hanging out tonight might ruin the beauty i saw in the small 2 day stint, but i knew that we needed closure in some way and talking about it would do that. but i was right, it did ruin something. it was still a little forced in a way. i went to his house afterwards and i shouldnt have, but i felt like he needed it and there needed to be more clarity. he kissed me when we got to his house and i kissed back and felt absolutely nothing at all. nothing! can you believe how much i changed?? its bananas he could say my name or even just talk about nothing and it would make my heart stop and vagina tingle. tonight--nothing! it makes sense though to me, he broke my heart and i healed it and there is no room for him anymore. i pretty much got to say that to him tonight too which was really good. we were laying on the couch and he kept talking about going with the flow and his feelings and how hes not gonna date anyone till hes over me, and everything, but i got to say its weird being in your house, last time i was here my heart really hurt, it really was broken. at that moment i realized that it was the truth, and that what happened had abruptly broken my heart. as far as i knew we were going well and dating and having sex and laying naked at 7am and i was all blissed out, until he freaked and it hurt me a lot. thats why my ribs popped out and hurt so much, but i got to heal them very quickly. another weird thing is that i had this small rash on the outside of my lips down there wink wink and it was itchy and i thought maybe it was hurt from the river rocks or something, then i was convinced maybe i had poison oak there either way it fucking hurt super bad and nothing made it feel better. as i went to the bathroom tonight at his house, i realized it didnt hurt anymore, it had magically disappeared its funny cause i cant seem to find the connection with him and that, but i guess it was somewhere deep inside. maybe because most of our problems came from sex or something, who knows. either way its over, dead and gone and i feel great.

another thing that had happened while i was there was i was laying on his chest listening to his heart beat and all i could do was think about john. i had wished john was laying there underneath me and breathing on my forehead, and rubbing my arm. i wanted it to be john. i could never imagine something like this before, but i could tonight. as i sat there i kept thinking about how i wanted to leave to call john and hear his voice and flirt with him on the phone like i did last night. he keeps showing me sides of himself that i needed to see to feel more attracted to him. but who knows tomorrow i could walk into work and feel nothing, or try to hide those feelings away, who knows. there is no rush, if its meant to be it will no matter how many doubts i have or worries. but i feel like we are on the right path. we make sense. we are good compliments to one another, we are opposite yet not. its good.

i fucking feel so good! so free! so happy! im loving life! i never thought i could really feel this good, that this good existed in real life, but it does. you too can feel happy!!!!