nerves nerves, silly nerves..

i woke up with a knot in my stomach, an elephant on my chest. its crazy, i havent been upset or stressed out like this in a while. i am so nervous for my dinner tonight with stan. i dont want to go, i dont want to deal with what im about to deal with at all. i know its so silly because i know what i have to do, i know i have to stand strong and stand up for what i know is right, but its going to be really difficult. its going to be like a date, and i wish it wasnt, i dont have any good news for him, so its kind of strange that we are going to share a meal and talk about stuff when its going to go nowhere. i know he will take it well and not push me, but its going to be awkward indeed. actually i have this feeling that yesterday he finally decided hes done with me too. he sent me a video of bruce springsteens streets of philadelphia and said something along the lines of hope this helps make you think of home. i HATE that song, it freaks me out and reminds me of all the bad things about philly, the drugs, the diseases, the homeless people, the anger, the aggression, the oppression. so i wrote back thank you so much for thinking of me, but this song weirds me out etc etc..he wrote me back sorry not my intention, i wrote him back, i know it was really sweet, etc, etc..but i have a feeling he read that first email back and was mad or upset and over me. i could feel it. he cut me off. which is good, but it sucks that we have to have this dinner together still. there is nothing there, we dont know each other at all and are going to be forced to be in this weird situation together that neither of us want to be in at all. but whatever, its happening and there is nothing i can do about it besides go into with a good head and to be happy and myself and be positive. right?

i guess i feel like part of me doesnt want to get chumped or left to feel weird, but the funny thing is i have the power to feel this way or not. its all about how i take it, and react to it and what i do with it all. it might be fun, we might get to just hang out and laugh and be cool with each other, i never think of that. but it could happen, even though it most likely wont happen. i just think what happened the other day really rocked me and rocked my soul and my heart and everything that its too much to go back. we went too deep into nowhere land. there is no coming back from that conversation, those feelings. i just want it to go away. i want the memory to be wonderful and lovely in my head forever. im scared tonight might ruin that.

for the other dude, john, hes starting to show me a side of himself i wasnt aware of, a side that i actually complained didnt exist but it does. he lives in a small office pretty much right now that doesnt have a kitchen or a bathroom, its just horrible, and i was like eh i cant date a dude like that, no way. but hes been talking about how he wants to get a house in the suburbs and cook dinners and have a life. and hes not meaning california, hes meaning east coast and i can totally see us doing that together. i have this funny feeling things are going to be friendslike until he finds a job and decides to move, then i gotta choose whether or not i want to go with him, i can totally see that happening. i kind of hope it does happen. which just means i need to save up money constantly in case this does happen in any way. if i get a job off, or if i decide to move really quickly i need a nice nest egg. which i had but now its dwindling really rapidly. i am starting to get fucked up money wise again and i didnt even realize it. i am still spending quicker than im making. when am i gonna get it together? it blows my mind that i dont cook a good meal, or exercise every day. it makes no sense to me that this stuff never happens. it does somewhere in my mind, somewhere inside myself i feel like i do that stuff, that i am busy all day doing real shit, but in reality im not at all. i dont do shit.

the new arcade fire rules btw