i'm coming out...

i want the world to know..i got to let it show!!

this song just popped up on my itunes and i couldnt agree with it more right now. i had such a down trodden day and felt really upset and depressed and lonely, but not anymore. i was feeling so down that i just wanted to smoke weed and have fun and not give a fuck, but the universe wanted more from me. i made plans to go to this dudes house and get high and chill out, thought there might be a chance of make out, even though i didnt really want to, i figured there was always the chance. so i get ready and i leave, i get to the bottom of my hill and realize i left this plastic container that my comforter was in was directly in front of the heater, like right there, like could burn my house down. so i drove back up the hill moved it and drove back down. this should have been the point where i decided to stay in, but i went against myself and went anyways. when i was driving i felt like i should just cancel, but i felt weird so i figured i would just go and see what happened. so as i was driving down his street, i saw a fucking SKUNK! can you even believe it? i havent seen or heard of them since the last time with that dude casey!! so nuts. so that kind of set the tone for me. i got there and his house was just a mess, it was a dudes houe who hasnt had a girlfriend in a long time. which is fine, i wasnt really going there thinking he was gonna be my boyfriend, i was lonely, but i was just like umm yeah nope. so i was there and ready to smoke weed, but he happened to only have the one strain i refuse to smoke! oddly enough right? trainwreck makes me feel like im having a panic attack all the time and it doesnt go away for a while, so i was like nope. im not breaking my cycle early for this shit. and besides his bong and everything was dirty and ew i just wasnt into it. so i didnt end up smoking! another day down, 3 more to go. i can do this. i thought about how i would feel and i think i would be okay with it, depending on the situation, but not that. even if he had good weed, i dont think i would have. i want it to be special. i might just do it on sunday night which would be my 4th week, a month. not 30 days, but a month, they are pretty much equal. i want to smoke alone and just enjoy myself. its kind of like my virginity or something, i know it seems silly, but i really started to look at it like that tonight. im not just giving it up to anyone and anytime. fuck that. its for me. sunday it is.

another thing i realized was that i want a dude who doesnt drink a lot. i want a dude whos not super into drinking, but does every now and again and doesnt smoke too much either. i need someone who has found a good balance between it all. i dont want a dude who cant say they havent taken a week from drinking in forever. its too much excess, its too much control over them and their brain and their thinking. i need a clear headed dude. tonight while driving home i was blessed with the thoughts that this person does exist for me and its all gonna be ok, and its all gonna be apparent. i know this all the time, but i never believe it for longer than a day or so. i start to get lonely or upset and i dont believe myself, but its gonna be so easy and i am going to know right off the bat when it comes to me. kind of like dan platt, i really judged him, but hes right when you know, you know. trust in that and you will be fine. i know my man is out there, i know he is. i fully and utterly believe it. when we finally get together, we are going to have such a wonderful life together. so filled with love and happiness. i know it is there for me. it will come to me. as i was thinking these thoughts and how this dude was just another lesson to learn, bob marleys coming in from the cold came on the ipod and it couldnt have been better timing. it made so much sense and felt so good to hear.

when one door is closed, another is open.