its so funny how quickly i can get upset and go right into depression, its like a warm bath sometimes. its quite scary actually to know how accepted i let it be in my life. i know i have the power to get over it and the brain strength to let it go away, but ill be honest i like it. i like the days when i feel down in the dumps and want to be alone and quiet and weird and take baths, the only thing im missing today is weed, which is actually interesting in itself. i know i want to smoke weed today and its because i feel shitty and want to suppress some feelings im having. one is my friend tibora. i thought she was upset with me a few weeks ago and it was over taking me and i finally decided to write her a nice long email about it and she called me and pretended she didnt get it yet and acted all super normal and nice to me, which made me feel absolutely insane. i was like wow i gotta chill with this shit, so when we hung out the next day i semi brought it up and she acted like no way was she upset with me..but then i see her boyfriend today and we get to talking about some stuff and he tells me she actually was upset with me, its so fucked. i mean she straight up lied to me. i have been trying to think about what to do about it and how to feel and to not take it so personally, like well maybe she didnt want to deal cause it was stupid and she was over it, but its not true, she just doesnt want the conflict, but fuck that! how are you supposed to be friends with someone when you never know when they are upset with you? i know i will take that and run any time she doesnt respond to an email or text, i will over think it and never know, and i will never feel secure enough to know the truth. and all over one lie. lying is so horrible and creates such tension in so many ways. i am going to talk about this with her for sure, but i just need a few days to get over my hurt and think of it as an adult and deal with it responsibly.
the other thing bothering me is this dude from last night. i dont know why i feel so vulnerable or whatever. i know its nothing, i know this is just what it is, but i feel weird. is the blow job? is it the letting myself go? is it the lack of conversation today? why do i take things so personal?? i always think that people are against me and blowing me off, etc. but its silly i need to know people are people doing their things and will get ahold of me when they can and or want to. i dont know why i feel like this dude doesnt want to hang out with me again, of course he does. why do i even care? i let my guard down in so many ways, not mentally but physically and i think thats bothering me on some level. i keep telling myself to take it slow and not let it get sexual but i feel like this is different. this isnt a dude whos gonna marry me by any means, its just a dude. someone to kiss and hold and fuck (hopefully) but when we were laying there last night he wanted us to take our pants off, due to comfortableness and then said im not trying to have sex or anything, we dont really even know each other yet. then i mentioned my period and it felt a lot better. the pressure was off and gone, but then we got so hot and heavy if i didnt have my period we would have fucked for sure. i think thats my problem. i have no self control when it comes to sex. i want it, i want to be in the moment and i want to feel it. whatever i know im over thinking this one too much, hes just a dude who will be out of my life in 2 weeks. ahh fuck it
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