leave the horror here..

sooooooo after i wrote that blog last night i went to sleep, i slept for like 2 hours and kept dreaming of that dude over and over again and i woke up and i knew i needed to call him. i was kind of putting it off here and there, but my guts were screaming at me to do it, so i did. all that i had in my mind was to go over there right then and there and to go make out or something, i dont know how i switched so quickly, but i just knew it would be amazing. so we chat and make dinner plans for next week, blah blah and then he invites me down to go there. i say yes, jump in the car and go to his house.

as soon as i get out of the car hes outside waiting for me and we just start making out immediately, like the second we see each other i dont even think we said hello! it was everything i usually dream of, i have dreamt of something like that happening to me for years!! so we go inside and its on! we make out he goes down on me, which was fucking amazing, then we have sex and thats that. we spend the next 7 hours laying naked with each other holding each other, kissing, making love, talking, laughing, all of it. it was so special and incredible. we looked into each others eyes, held each other it was like two people in love in deep deep love. so amazing. we have this way about us that i cant describe, but we are open and honest and communicative and can express how we feel without any inhibitions. he does have two teenage boys and an ex-wife, but has been divorced for 6 years and its been way over and they are cool with each other. the funny thing is i dont even care at all. there are parts of me that can see us together for the long haul and then not. but i decided to keep this to me and not really share with people..

ok so that post was written yesterday (7/28) and i just never had a chance to finish it or post it..so im back to write more, but oddly enough they are quite opposite than the post above, that these two things should be two different posts, but fuck it here it goes..

ok so i went over there yesterday and we started to make out more and more, and then stopped again and we talked about how this was going too fast and how we should take it slowly and just get to know each other better before we add the sex thing to it and stuff, so that was great. it was an open honest conversation, very adult, very real, very good. i was siked. we then hung out the rest of the night and made food, ate, talked, kissed, talked more, looked at pictures, told stories, the whole thing. it was great. i had so much fun, laughing, feelings, all of it was incredible. it was magical and special and so important. he would say some of the nicest things ive ever heard someone say to me. and i believed him, and i took it all in and let my body and mind feel these things. then we go to sleep, have a wonderful evening in the bedroom, sex here and there, which i thought was a bad idea because of our conversation earlier, and had mentioned it to him but he said he was just going with the flow, so i just went along with it too just to be in it, and it didnt really work out so well, he would get hard for a minute or two and we would start to have sex and then he would get soft, and then say sorry but i never cared, i just wanted to hang out too, so i tried to stress that and whatever, it all got lost in the mental and physical bliss we were in the whole past two days. he said some of the most amazing things to me, that i cant eve believe my ears heard. he told me that he could see all the bright energy coming off my face and it looked like he was looking up at the stars, the constellations i got so overwhelmed and cried a bit. it was so intense, so emotional, so everything for only knowing each other for 2 days, but it all just seemed so right..until the morning..

so we go to sleep and sofia was sleeping with us, and she snores a lot so he woke up a few times from her snoring and then finally asked me to put her out of the room cause he couldnt deal with her snoring waking him up, so i did i put her on the couch and went back to sleep. he woke up a lot and moved around a lot i could tell he was having a rough night sleep, but i had only slept 2 hours the night before and was so fucking tired and knew i had to work, so i just tried to sleep. we woke up and had this blissed out morning sex that was cool, but yet turned disastrous. he kept having me on top of him like right on top, and it didnt feel the best for me, but every time i would lean up to get better footing per se is when i noticed he would lose his mojo, and it made me feel like shit so i would stop being into too, but it all simultaneous so it was hard to tell who stopped first. anyway this lead to a discussion because he was upset that i wouldnt rub his nipples. he told me he liked that being done, which is fine, but its whatever and its weirdish and i guess i didnt rub them the proper way and he said thats how he gets off and was upset that i wasnt giving him what he needed, he said i just rubbed them hard and it didnt feel good, but he never told me, so then the can of worms opened up and i wont go into too many details but basically he was just really sensitive and it seemed like he was just picking on everything, and getting so upset over everything and then it didnt matter what i said it was just hurtful to him. and the energy in the room was so bad, like he threw his walls up so quickly and just kinda shut down, but yet was crying. he kept crying so much and it was so emotional and so hard to deal with. it felt like an elephant was sitting on top of my chest and my heart was breaking all at the same time. i had just met this person but had gone so deep emotionally it was tragic this was happening, but i somehow knew it would at some point. i guess i just didnt think it would happen this quickly or something, but it did. we seriously just hugged each other for like an hour, i kept thinking it was because we both knew this was going nowhere and that this was it. we were done.

so i left there very upset and shaken up, but kind of felt good too at the same time. i didnt do anything wrong, i spoke my mind, i spoke truth, i listened, i tried to help him see the big picture, i tried to communicate and work through this whole situation..(the sad part was we did get over it, and started talking about what we like during sex and i mentioned my little strangle addiction i have now, and in passing mentioned how i found it with another dude and he fucking lost it, and said he hated that i said that to him while holding his hand, and it was wrong, etc etc) so yeah i tried my hardest, and it wasnt good enough, but its ok. i feel ok about it and realize that it cant go anywhere and we must have had some karma to work out or something. its funny cause i kept calling him david in my head, he must have been david in our other life together. but i do feel sad about it all, i really liked what we had, it was special and awesome and fulfilling and grown up and mature and sexy and hot and passionate and fun. he is an amazing person and i wish i could be with him i really do. i was ready to be a stepmom for him, the connection we had and how i felt was 100 times crazier than rickie, which is saying a lot. especially only after two days. we are supposed to get together next week, but his birthday is monday and i dont want to do this on his birthday, so im assuming tuesday. i dont know what im going to say yet, im not sure how i feel about it all yet. part of me wants us to make up and fall in love and be happy and part of me thinks we wont be able to work out so i should cut my losses now before my heart gets way too involved and this type of shit happens all the time. i dont need a nervous nelly anxious wreck who cant let things go. but i do feel a love for him. this is really long so im gonna stop now. that was my last two days.
xo