where is my mind?

i just spend the last 2 days in a crazy world and i kind of feel like i cant even really type. yesterday morning i woke up early and me and my dad drove to berkeley to go see Phish play at the greek, which is one of my favorite venues in america! so i was siked. the drive was whatever, it kind of went quickly, honestly quicker than most 5 hour rides..then we got there and the hotel was packed with hippies, trustafarians, jock looking dudes and chicks and just straight up phish heads, i dont know how else to explain them haha. so our room happens to be next to my dads friends room who had the party room which was cool to just be connected and close to people we knew and were gonna be hanging out with. this is the guy who got us the tickets too, so it all worked out. there was so much energy in the air, people were buzzing all around making plans about seats, and waiting in lines, and everything. so we decide to get showers and get ready to go out for the night, because we heard people were waiting in line since 9am to get in and get good seats, i thought it was bananas, but hey if these people wanted to do it, i say go for it. so anyway then we went got dinner, went to amoeba! i got 50 dollars worth of records and wen back to the hotel, we took a quick nap then it was time for the show. i decided it would be a good idea to eat a weed cookie to get ready for the night. i usually only eat a half and for some reason i decided to eat a whole cookie. i thought oh well fuck it, im going to this show i might as well just party down, its gonna be a long ass night. so i feel good about my choice then get to the show and hang out and immediately am offered L, i turned it down and then a part of me really wanted to do it, so when i was offered a quarter piece i took it, i thought oh well maybe it will just be a little bit of a buzz or something mixed with the cookie. then i decided to freak out about the fact that i ate a whole cookie and just took this other thing. i thought the combo seemed stupid and that it was gonna make me into a hot mess before the show even started. which did semi happen, i thought i was gonna die!! i had waves and my heart was racing and i was like great here we go, another bad show where i gotta freak out and deal with it alone for hours. so i tried to chill out a bit, took deep breathes and thought good thoughts..then the music started..

once the music started i was just on. no more worries, nothing i was just in it. the first couple songs it took me a little to get fully into it, but i finally let go and had fun. i had a permanent smile glued to my face. the music just flowed through me, i just went along for the ride and it was awesome. i just really felt free, like i didnt even notice anyone around me at all, i was just there, very present very in the moment and enjoyed the music. time felt so weird, sometimes it felt like hours were passing in minutes, it was kinda cool to just "be" . i danced and danced and started to feel over it, because i was getting tired, as i should have after 4 hours of dancing!! but it was cool, when it ended it was nice. then i was still tripping but for some reason i thought it would wear off by then, people kinda made fun of me cause of it, like sorry sister that isnt going away for a while. so then we walked back to the hotel which was so fun! it was like i was gliding down the street! i kept saying hello to people and just really enjoyed moving around, then got back to the hotel and went to the room and chilled out and listened to music with the people i was with. it was pretty chill, but i kept feeling like i was crawling out of my skin and my muscles kept tightening up randomly i hated that part. my stomach also hurt pretty bad, but i just kept breathing and tried to chill out as much as possible. i did try to take a trip downstairs to the bar area, but it really felt like i was in fear and loathing in las vegas, it was bananas!! finally me and my dad tried to go to sleep, so i thought music would be a good idea, but it was bad actually, it kept me up, once i turned it off, i fell asleep.

the bummer was that we had to wake up at 7am and drive 5 hours to get home to go to my brothers 5th birthday party at a bowling alley. it was crazy. luckily my dad is a seasoned vet and drove the whole way, i just smoked weed and spaced out, it was nice. the party part sucked thought, i didnt really feel like dealing with people at all, but i totally had to. i worked through it though so it was cool. i came home last night and just chilled out, i didnt feel like doing much, i was so tired and a tad bit grumpy. its nice to not have to think or talk sometimes. i watched mad men and true blood, and honestly i dont really remember either of them really, and kind of dont care. there is a big part of me that wants to never watch tv again, it kinda demotivates me. i will want to do art or clean, but then i think about sitting down and spacing out to the television and its more enticing to just blah out and not have to worry about anything else, let other people talk for me and entertain me.

i just feel weird today. i woke up and saw pictures from my first boyfriend's brothers wedding and for some reason it made me feel so fucking weird. i dunno if it was the fact that i saw all these family members i havent seen in like 10 years or if it was because i saw him with his gf looking super happy, or if it just reminded me that im alone. which is odd because i actually like being alone, i crave it and love it. but i guess it wouldnt be so bad to have someone sometimes. i guess thats what i want, someone sometimes. so that i can live my life the way i want and have someone to share with sometimes too. think ill ever find this magical person who is cool with sharing me with myself? i sure hope so.