dollars and sense...

I decided to listen to some old music, that a friend of mine sent me on facebook. The Army of the Red Museum. This band was my ex boyfriends band, and I knew he wrote a song for me that I thought was on the cds, so I listened to most of them looking for it, but instead I found another one that I totally recognized but when I listened to the lyrics I quickly realized that it wasn't the song, but it was this other sad song, with lyrics such as "oh how I wish you could be with me today" was this song written after our break up? I don't even remember when we broke up to be honest. Its kind of sad how much I have forgotten about my past. I seriously feel like it was another life, someone else 's life. I lived almost 32 years of life so far and I can barely remember last week. What the fuck have I been doing with all my time? Where has it all gone? Where is my money? What the fuck am I doing? I need to fucking get it together. I need to whip my ass in shape, physically, mentally, and spiritually. This shit needs to end. I cant keep going on every day doing nothing with myself. The past few weeks, I've spent my nights watching tv. I haven't even wanted to. Its no longer as enjoyable as it used to be. I find that I just do it out of habit. Its like I don't even know what to do with myself if I wasn't sitting in front of the television. I know I should have done some art, or even meditated or anything but sit there blank and silent. Watching other people live their lives, while I waste away here alone. Fuck fuck fuck that. I am taking control of my life again. I can't do this shit anymore. Its not cool. I am not cool, and I am not going anywhere living like this. At this speed I will be here forever, alone and lonely and fat and ugly and unhappy. I can't let that happen.

I have some options coming my way to help this process move a lot quicker, but at a high price. If things went wrong, they would go really wrong. I decided I can't do that. I can't take the easy way out. I need to prove to myself that I can live in a budget, and work a job and make money and save and live by my means. I think its my last hurdle. I think thats why I haven't found the place or the job I've been looking for. It hasn't come to me yet, because I am not ready for all that. I haven't paid rent yet for November, if I lived in LA right now, Id be getting evicted. I am lucky enough to live with my dad being my landlord. I am granted the opportunity to learn and go through these hurdles in life in a sacred place that will allow me to fall and comfort me to get up and fight through it. This is my last hurdle, I know it. Money is the key to independence and independence is all I ever strive for, but I've never beaten out money in that fight. I plan to as of now. I have gotten over drugs, alcohol, self disrespect, lack of confidence and everything else in between. Money and controlling it has never entered the race to be beaten, well money I fucking call your ass out. Lets do this shit. Bring your best foot forward its time to rumble. You can coheres me with your allure of fun and excitement, but really all it is is putting me back. I make 10 steps every time I get excited to move, and look at apartments and jobs, but then you come crawling in to fuck it up when I get lonely and upset. I feel the need to go out and play, and eat meals with people to stay connected. Which is great, but it needs to end. I can hang out with people doing free things. No more restaurant meals, and excess for Melissa. Its time to hunker down and save save save for my future future future. It can be good, I do see good things for myself in the future but I need to get it together. (and see what's happening)

But for now I will just leave you with this little ditty..