forgiveness

what a concept huh? ive been thinking a lot about it today. the whole idea of forgiveness and really just letting things go off you. how do you do it? i was at the river and had these ideas of just forgiving my mom, my dad, matt, rickie, eric, everyone who ever hurt me at all. i laid there and envisioned it all going off me. and i do feel lighter, i feel like i let some of it off, but how do i go about life now? do i just love them all unconditionally? i want to write my mom a letter and tell her i forgive her. i want things to be ok. i mean ill never spend christmas there or nothing, but it would be nice to not carry this shit anymore. that is all her karma not mine. i would have to go on other lives dealing with her again and again until i end it and deal with it, and forgive her for everything she has ever done to me. part of me feels like i dont need to even tell her, to just feel it ends it. ive been told weve spend many lives together and always were in battle, and she always was the mean one, the one who got over on me, but this life i feel like she tried to do that, but i overcame her. i see her for who she is, and she doesnt even know how fucked up she is, so i cant tell her, thats her own debit she will pay in many many more lives until she gets it. i cant let her and her karma fuck me up anymore. i need to feel love and give love and have respect for myself and go on and just be happy. same for my dad, ive carried around that he left me and that he left me in a horrible home with no love and abuse, etc. but what does it matter? what does he have to do to make me get over it? hes done so much for me over the past 10 years and i hold onto stuff that dont matter anymore. it is old news, it happened so long ago and so much other stuff has happened, but ive held onto and i didnt even really notice that i have been until today. i make myself feel like im not part of the family, i make myself be the outsider. its all in me, and its all my fault that ive let myself feel this. only i can control what i think and feel and do and ive choose to stop it all. i want to be free, i want to be happy and share with people. i want to feel loved and give love. it is all about love.

i really am changing, i feel it inside. i want these things to change and i am changing everyday. each day i think of new ideas or theories about life that help me grow as a person and as a spirit. i am helping myself reach a higher level of understanding. the one thing that keeps coming up for me is that i might die soon. i dont really believe it, but the idea keeps coming into my head. like what i figure allt his out and that was my purpose for this life, and then i go. its funny cause as scary as it is, its not at the same time. i do believe i will see all my loved ones again and again for many lives to come, and if not in human form than in soul form. its all ok. but then i think im meant to live a long life and die an old lady who lived life to the fullest filled with love and family. i still dotn know if i want to have children, but maybe. i want to be in love with someone who loves me the same. it will happen, i know it.

ps i dont have my cellphone right now, i spilled water on it, and i dont have money to pay the deductible for my insurance so its gonna be a couple days. hit me up on fb or my house. xo