i wish he was my boyfriend...

man im loving this Best Coast band, so fucking good..if you havent heard them do it! here is a link to the whole album to stream


anyways im on here to write about my dreams last night they were so vivid and crazy. so the one that is really sticking with me is the one with stan. yes stan. i saw him the other day and he apologized to me about everything that happened and told me that he did really like me and he wished it could have turned out different. i said me too, thanks. etc, etc. so my dream last night was we were trying to date, and he was totally cheating on his wife with me, and we kept going and i felt so uncomfortable about the whole thing, i didnt like being the other woman, or didnt even know if things would work out and if it would be worth it or not. but he really wanted to try so i just went along with it. and in the dream when i was just going along with it but knew it was wrong and kept saying to myself i gotta just be honest and do what i need to do and not worry about how he feels, i need to tell the truth that i dont like this. but i liked being with him, so i really wanted to be with him. its so crazy. i bet we were in a past life together at some point, because our connection is so deep rooted. but it just was such a weirdo dream. very very real. i woke up and went oh my god thats not real, thank god.

my other situation is that i think i really like this guy john i work with, but all day long and night i think about it and as soon as i wake up i go nope. and based on past situations, thats usually my answer. but i havent smoked weed in a few days so its not a difference of being high and sober, im sober all together. that is clue one, and clue two is that i didnt want to go to a restaurant with him that people would see us the other day. i felt scared for some reason, i didnt want to be seen with him. but i have noooo idea why. if anything he would up my status quo, hes more popular than i am in the community and everything. the main problem is that i dont know if im sexual attracted to him. i cant picture us making out or having sex at all. i do feel like he compliments me well in many many ways though. hes a lot like dominic which was good for me, very responsible and practical and on top of his shit and also isnt lazy about anything, and gets shit done. where as im so lazy about doing stuff, unless motivated and put things off forever and forget to pay my bills, etc. we also get along well and have been hanging out for like 6 months and going on semi dates here and there, but i just didnt know they were dates. which they werent they were just us hanging out, but it seems like everyone else kind of sees our connection except me. even yesterday at dinner with my friend greg he said he heard our radio show and how good we sounded together, and i totally agree. we are going to start a podcast soon with music, so i kind of feel like i shouldnt think about it and just see what happens, but hes the type of dude who wont make a move. as my friend justin said, hes probably is just happy to have a hot girl to hang out with but thinks she is out of his league.

we work together and thats bad, our working relationship is so good, if that were to get fucked up id be so upset. its funny its like the movie clueless when she finally realizes she likes josh and acts all weird around him and stuff i feel like that haha. like he was there the whole time but wasnt the obvious choice. eh i dont know i hate thinking so much about it or even talking to people about it. i gotta just go with my gut and hope it all works out the way its supposed to work out. i go to my psychic tomorrow so i will see what she says too.

i miss jenni.