upcoming challenges of mc

so i decided that today i was going to start everything, do it all. i do this all the time and it never works out. i have such high hopes for myself and i have these big plans and expectations on me, and then i fail and get bummed out and depressed. i decided that i am not going to do that anymore. i am going to take one day at a time, do what i can that day and thats it. if i work towards my goal everyday than i am doing something. i used to think i was supposed to find a job soon and move to new york before the new year, but now i am giving myself some more time. i need to save money, i need to pay some bills off and clean this house up, get it together, throw the piles of shit away. so much stuff to do, and i need to get prepared mentally and emotionally. this shit is gonna be hard to do. no matter how much i want to move and get out of here, no matter how bad i hate it, i need to take time and do it right. when i moved here from philly we decided in august to move, and picked november 1st to do it. we gave ourselves 2-3 months, and thats what i am going to do too. i am going to tell myself i am moving in march with or without a job. march is when i am out of here. the east coast is a lot nicer, winter is pretty much over, but not really and spring will quickly be coming. meanwhile humboldt will be raining still and miserable. i think march works because ill be home for xmas in 6 weeks then it will only be like 8 more weeks till march, i think i can do it. scratch that, i know i can do it. it gives me serious time to save up and have a nice cushion for moving. i dont want to move somewhere and be broke as fuck when i get there. its already going to be hard enough moving to new york where everything is so fucking expensive. march also allows more time to spend with my family here and friends and really enjoy them and also to maybe find opportunities with people or places. if i am putting my energy out that i am moving, and looking for jobs then they will come to me at some point. patience is my practice now. which i am really not good at at all, i always want things now! i think its because i am so phase oriented that if things take too long than i get over them and move onto the next thing. i need to stay focused and motivated and that will be a challenge for sure. 4 months is a long time, but not even really. a lot can happen in 4 months, but as long as i keep my eye on the prize of moving out of here i will be ok. i will move from humboldt and join the rest of society. i need to stop being so negative about how this place makes me feel dead. its true, but its not helping at all. i need to also not talk to people about moving and make it more like i want to look for new oppurtunites or something like that. if i keep up on my blog, and art and just keep doing what i like to do, i will be ok. the lazy, stoner part is the hardest to get rid of. i feel like i am stuck in this weird vortex where everyday there is another reason to stay home and smoke weed and do nothing. i am done with all that shit. i want to be busy and productive! i know i know, i am the only one in control of that, and i am making an effort to be that person. changing yourself is not an easy task, but its one ive taken on for over 6 years now and its quite a fucking feat.